Relapses and Slips in Porn and Sex Addiction

It is accepted among those of us who work with porn and sex addiction that there will be relapses or “slips” at some point in the first year or so of recovery.  Internet pornography in particular is notoriously hard to quit.

Sex addiction is  clever and devious.  It wants to find a way to come out and play.  So even when the addict is totally abstinent from his or her “bottom line” behaviors (behaviors that the addict has identified as the ones that need to be out of bounds) the addict may engage in other watered down kinds of behavior to get a “hit.”  For example, the addict who wants to quit internet pornography may find himself watching movies that have a significant amount of sexual content or looking at YouTube or Facebook videos that are suggestive or outright sexual.

But in early recovery addicts are likely to repeat even their bottom line sexually addictive behavior at some point.  So when is this something to be concerned about? When should it be called a slip and when should it be seen as an out-and-out relapse?

When is it just a slip?

What is counted as a slip is doing the addictive behavior (e.g. going to a strip club, watching porn, engaging in cybersex, having a sexual hook-up with a stranger, or getting together with an old affair partner).  It is not doing the things that lead up to the bottom line behavior but it is actually doing something that is what you have decided not to do any more.  (Slips will usually count as sexual acting out and will mean changing your sobriety date.)  What I believe makes it a “slip” rather than a relapse is:

  • You perform the sexually addictive behavior without planning to.  You did not enter the situation consciously intending to do the behavior.  It “just happened” and you may feel a certain shock at finding yourself in the situation.
  • You do the behavior only once.  You realize immediately what you have done and you get out of the situation before you do it again.  You turn off the computer, you hang up the phone, you get rid of the person’s contact information etc.
  • You talk about it with someone like a sponsor, counselor or recovery partner and you describe it in your regular 12-step meeting right away.  You do not attempt to hide it or minimize it.
  • You figure out what you need to learn from the slip. This means that you use the slip to gain a better understanding of the circumstances that can lead up to you slipping.  Do you have to plan your day or evening more carefully? Should you be more aware of slippery situations like business trips?  You will need to anticipate known stressors or other things that constitute your “relapse scenario” as it is called.
  • You may change your recovery plan in response to the slip.  You might decide to put additional behaviors, people or activities, such as browsing singles ads, into your list of bottom line behaviors so that you see them as relevant to your staying abstinent.   You may also consider whether other addictions such as alcohol or drug use have played a role in your slip and consider addressing them more strenuously.  And you may want to consult with a doctor if appropriate when you believe you may have psychological issues or need medication to stay emotionally stable enough.

Avoiding Relapse

If you respond to the incident of sexual acting out in the way described above you will have gone a long way to avoiding a full on relapse in which you continue the acting out behavior.  Often people have a slip and decide that it is a relapse.  They therefore feel “What the heck! I’ve already blown it; I might as well go all the way.”  This is using the slip as an excuse to keep acting out.  But the fact is a slip does not mean that you have blown your program.  It is an opportunity to make your program better and to learn about yourself.  If you use it.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why Sex Addicts Blame Their Partners

For most sex addicts, blaming a spouse or partner for a pattern of sexual acting out behavior is a predictable part of the denial process .  Even when they are devoted in many ways to their spouse and family, addicts may still feel that their behavior is caused by something in their situation.

Like all denial mechanisms, this is partly a matter of wanting to avoid feelings of shame about the behavior, as well as wanting to explain it away.  This “shame dumping” as it is sometimes called can be conscious or unconscious, overt or covert.  It is like saying “I’m really a good guy; I only do what I do because of such-and such.”

Your own problems and addictions are usually hard to spot and/or admit to.  But it is always easier to see what’s wrong with someone else or what’s wrong with your life.

Feeling abandoned by a partner with the birth of a child

It is very common for an underlying sex addiction in men to really begin to take hold following the birth of a child.  The problems with the addict’s intimacy avoidance, their addiction proneness, or their lack of emotional maturity were most likely there before.  Often they were masked by the newness of the relationship.

The birth of a child takes the mother away to some extent and puts the emphasis on someone other than the addict.  The addict may flee the new demands and seek to escape into acting out.  In this case the addict may feel unconsciously that they have been rejected or abandoned by his wife and thus feel justified in acting out behaviors like going to strip clubs, prostitutes or sexual massage parlors.

Self sacrifice and overwork

Self sacrifice and devotion to their partner may paradoxically be a setup for the addict to begin to feel like indulging the urge for a separate secret life of acting out.  Many sex addicts are prone to work too hard and try to be the hero for their spouse or partner.

Later they come to resent it and feel that they are owed something.  Instead of being able to practice the intimacy skills of stating their needs with their spouse and letting go of being the hero, they take refuge in a very self indulgent secret life which they feel they deserve.  You will sometimes hear addicts in recovery say “I had to shoot my white horse.”

Sexual dissatisfaction

Sex addicts often feel that their sexual acting out whether in porn use, serial affairs, or any other sexual behavior is a direct reaction to something that is missing in their marriage.  They may say that the problem is that they “want more sex than my wife” and their reasoning is that if that is the case then they are justified in going outside the marriage or relationship to get sex.  After all it’s his/her fault.  If their partner were meeting their needs then they wouldn’t have to seek sex elsewhere.   But in reality it’s apples and oranges.  What the addict wants is an addictive high, a dopamine rush that is the result of a secret sexual behavior.  This is not just a case of needing more sex.  And it is certainly not the partner’s fault.

Lack of investment in the relationship

Most sex addicts who have partners and who are active in their addictive behaviors are lacking in the ability to be fully invested in their relationship.  Even if they love their partner very much, they have chosen a relationship and a way of relating to a partner that sets the stage for the compartmentalization and deception that go along with sex addiction.  They often feel that they didn’t really want to get married or commit to the partner in the first place.

All too often sex addicts have no idea what a good devoted primary relationship should look like and they are unable to bond effectively.  They expect little of the relationship and of their partner and so are free to put their eggs in several baskets.  They may think consciously that their partner is just too busy with work or that their partner will be likely to betray them anyway.  But it is not their partner who can’t make the bond happen it is them.  Their addiction (and intimacy dysfunction) is not an effect, it’s a cause.