It’s OK to Have Bad Sex: The Sex Addict’s Difficult Adjustment

Sex addicts tend to be perfectionists.  And this is especially true in their attitude toward sex.  They are known for their all-or-nothing thinking, the tendency to view the world in terms of extremes.  In their sex life with a partner, sex addicts in recovery tend to carry with them an extreme and basically intolerant set of expectations. Just as an aside, there have been a slew of blogs and research survey findings that suggest that we are all having our sexual expectations distorted by the increasing pornification of our culture.  Some in the “feminist porn” movement and elsewhere have attempted to fight the idealized images and expectations shown in mainstream porn and in the “ambient porn” of movies, games, magazines and TV.  See also my journal article the findings of the APA task force on the sexualization of girls in our society.

The over importance of sex and orgasm

Sex addicts have as a core belief that sex is their most important need.  Thus sex addicts place an undue emphasis on sexual arousal and gratification.    Even before the advent of internet porn, sex addicts have always tended to be in a hurry to get to the sex act and to achieve the perfect orgasm.  If this didn’t happen all was lost. Having permission to have “bad sex”, i.e. sex that doesn’t match some perfect ideal, is a way to counteract the desperate need that sex addicts feel.  It can help relieve the pressure and can allow for times when the partners feel less energetic, more sensual etc.  It takes the focus off of “getting my needs met” and places it more on just having a sexual, physical experience with someone you are close to.

Fantasy standards of desirability

Because sex addicts are used to engaging in sex that is excessively loaded with fantasy content, (sex with strangers, cybersex, escorts, strip clubs, and of course pornography) they usually have perfectionistic (fantasy ridden) ideas about how women’s and men’s bodies should look.  This then results in the feeling that any sex with someone who doesn’t measure up to a fantasy standard of beauty or prowess is no good.  Hence the saying that to an addict “sex with a real woman is just bad porn.”

Unrealistic expectations about sexual behavior

Sex in the context of a relationship may seem boring to a sex addict.  In a real situation the addict has to deal with all kinds of awkward, messy and most importantly unpredictable elements.  These will almost certainly burst the addict’s fantasy bubble. In addition, sex addicts are used to fantasy scenarios that may involve all kinds of erotic behavior that their partner may not wish to engage in. We are asking the recovering sex or porn addict to adjust to what they may see as “plain vanilla” sex.

Paradoxically, sex in real life may also be more unpredictable and less boring.  Sex addicts are used to controlling the sexual experience from beginning to end.  In sex addiction, the addict has a preferred scenario or arousal template. This can evolve and escalate into more extreme behaviors, but the addict knows what he or she is going to get.  Real, relational sex is not so predictable.  This means things may end up unusually exciting and passionate or they may end up less so.

Expectations of hyper-arousal and porn induced ED

In addictive sexual acting out, the addict seeks a very extreme form of arousal and often seeks to prolong it.  This level of extreme or hyper-arousal is unlikely to exist in any everyday situation.  Furthermore there is beginning to be evidence that porn addiction in particular can lead men to experience erectile dysfunction when they attempt to have sex with a real person.  This porn induced ED, as it is called, is reversible when the addict abstains from porn use for a period of time.

The use of ED drugs like Viagra is becoming increasingly prevalent, even among younger men and men who don’t need it.  Addicts in particular may have exaggerated ideas about what they need to be able to do to “perform” sexually and may be very anxious in trying to have healthy sex with a partner.  It is normal for men to have a physical response to what is going on around them and sexual “performance” can vary for any number of reasons.  It is unfair, inaccurate and inhumane to see these fluctuations as a sign of something wrong or bad.  In recovery there is often a period of insecurity about sex but this is not a signal to panic and reach for ED drugs.

Sex can be a good thing no matter how it turns out

Sex addicts are so zeroed in on sex as central to life that they don’t realize that it is only one aspect, not the be-all and end-all.  Sex addicts find it hard to fathom the idea that, for many people, sex is great but has its proper place among many other great things in life.  In relationships sex is no doubt very important but it is a source of bonding as well as excitement and gratification.  The behavior of the partners and the level of arousal will exist in a broader spectrum or array of experience.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

6 Ways Recovering Alcoholics Deny Sex and Intimacy Issues

Many recovering alcoholics and drug addicts have problems with sex and intimacy.  Even though they have been in 12-step recovery, they may still have intimacy issues.

They may have great difficulty following through with relationships and instead go for repeated seductions in which they use the feeling of falling in love as a substitute high.  Other recovering chemical dependency people become sexually compulsive with online hook-ups or internet pornography as their new drug of choice.  Still others have intense, high drama relationships in which they seek to control the other person out of fear.  As they often say, “I don’t have relationships, I take prisoners.”

Denial mechanisms

Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts may use denial mechanisms to avoid seeing their problems with intimacy and sexuality.  When we talk about being “in denial” what we mean is that the addict is using one or more habitual ways of thinking about a situation which serve to eliminate the need to take the situation seriously or to do anything about it.

 

Minimizing

This is the tendency to see anything to do with sex and relationships as relatively minor and harmless.  The alcoholic/addict may argue that behaviors like compulsive porn use, preoccupation with online hook-ups, or frequent visits to prostitutes are not nearly as risky or life threatening as chemical dependency.  Also they may rely on the argument that sexual acting out is entirely legal and that it is victimless.

Rationalization

Sex addiction can creep into the recovering addict’s life because it is a drug that can substitute for the previous addiction.  The addict may “rationalize” this use of sex as a drug on the basis that it makes sense to rely on sex because it is a way to stay away from another addiction.  They may argue that “love” is a good thing and that being hooked on sexual behaviors “keeps me out of trouble.”

Compartmentalizing

Recovering alcoholics and addicts can appear to be leading a normal life.  As practicing alcoholics and drug addicts, their daily functioning was probably much more compromised in a much more obvious way than that of the practicing sex addict.  Sex addicts can keep their sexual behavior compartmentalized and hidden.  Out of sight out of mind.  Thus the addict can convince himself and everyone else that there is nothing wrong.  There may be not obvious consequences and there may be no one in the addict’s life who ever calls him on his behavior.

Projection

Recovering addicts often take a superior and derisive attitude toward sex addicts.  This grandiosity is a part of a narcissistic defense system that many addicts have and that covers up a sense of inferiority.  It can also take the form of machismo and sexism in which recovering alcoholics or addicts may engage in seductive and sexually predatory behavior toward people in their recovery groups.  This is sometimes referred to as “13th stepping.”  It is a need to feed the ego and to feel better by seeing other people as worse off.  Thus recovering alcoholics and addicts may even take the attitude that sex addiction recovery is a kind of joke.

Undoing

Recovering addicts and alcoholics often attribute their sexually compulsive behavior to something other than sex addiction.  They very commonly are aware that they behave in a sexually inappropriate manner prior to chemical dependency recovery and they attribute that to the fact that they were high on drugs or alcohol.  Drugs and alcohol allowed them to overcome their inhibitions and behave in overtly excessive ways sexually.

What they fail to see is that the sexually compulsive behavior is a drug in its own right and has the same roots and their chemical dependency.  They may also attribute their sexually addictive behavior to another psychological problem such as bipolar disorder.  In any case, these are ways of saying that a pattern of sexually addictive behavior doesn’t exist because it is really just a byproduct of something else.

Intellectualizing

This can take various forms in which the alcoholic uses semi-logical argument as to why they cannot or need not do anything about a problem.  One form is to take a victim role, i.e. to feel helpless and hopeless about changing how they relate to intimacy and relationships.  They argue that they have already worked a program and that there is nothing more they can do.  In other words this is as good as it gets.

Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts often have little or no experience with healthy intimate relationships.  Their primary relationship has been with a chemical and they are most often avoidant of true intimacy.

It is important for those of us in the sex addiction field to help educate chemical dependency professionals and people in the recovery community about the next phase in sobriety and about the importance of gaining relationship skills and becoming “intimacy-abled.”

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource