Intimacy Disability and the Loneliness of Sex Addicts

Addicts are profoundly lonely. They may be active and sociable; they may have friends. But in terms of the deeper emotional connection to a partner, they tend to keep themselves on a starvation diet. The loneliness of course is self-imposed. Addicts are not addicts because they are making up for the fact that they don’t happen to have a lover. Their addiction and their emotional isolation are both related to a deep fear of intimacy. It has always been striking to me that they should suffer so much in their alienation.

Childhood issues

I find that most often sex addicts are not aware of how fearful they are about intimate relationships.  They have most likely come from families in which they received inadequate or inappropriate forms of connection with adults. Without realizing it, they have adopted a way of behaving based on fear and the avoidance of intimate connection.

I have heard many addicts tell me that as a child they felt ignored discounted, abandoned or invisible. This is their model of close relating; it is one of intense pain and stress. And this can be true despite the fact that their family life and childhood appeared outwardly “normal“.

Intimacy avoidance and sexual acting out

Many sex addicts are using their addictive acting out behavior as a substitute for an intimate connection. Their addictive behavior provides an illusion of some kind of connection, reinforced by sexual gratification in a situation that is safe. Sexual acting out is emotionally safe because it requires nothing from the addict on an emotional level.

For the typical sex addict, this way of finding gratification without intimacy is not a matter of wanting to be selfish and controlling, although that is how it ends up looking. But rather it is a way of finding an escape from negative emotions and achieving some gratification without having to experience intense discomfort and fear. Sometimes it is due to sexual inhibition and shame. Other times it is the fear of letting their guard down and feeling that they will inevitably be hurt. Or it involves feeling so unworthy and unlovable that they cannot feel free to be who they are. Usually it is a combination of the above.

Intimacy avoidance in relationships

The intimacy avoidance that goes along with sex addiction shows up in relationships in a number of ways.

  • Avoiding sex

Sexual connecting in the context of an intimate relationship can be too difficult for an addict to do comfortably. Even if they are very attracted to their partner or would-be partner, they may try to create emotional distance. For example, they may be emotionally absent during sex or lost in fantasy, they may want to drink alcohol as a way to be less present during sex, or they may avoid sex altogether.

  • Avoiding physical intimacy

Sex addicts often come from families in which there was an absence of physical touching and affection. Thus they may feel that hugging, cuddling, etc. are awkward and uncomfortable. Some addicts were smothered by physical touching in an inappropriate way and they too may avoid physical affection due to feeling vulnerable.

  • Not being able to express their needs

Many sex addicts isolate themselves emotionally by avoiding letting the other person in on what they feel, need or want. This is a fear of being unworthy or of being rejected or hurt.

  • Being self conscious around people or in social situations

Often addicts substitute a role or facade for actually showing up emotionally. They may play a role, eg teacher, guru, performer, etc. with people instead of just being able to be who they are and take their chances.

  • Withdrawing into work or another addiction

Some addicts escape the demands of intimacy by becoming swallowed up in work or exercise or other hobbies that take them away from their partner and other potentially intimate contacts.

  • Fleeing intimate connection

Many addicts can enter a relationship but leave before it becomes too intimate. They may think this is a fear of commitment, or not the “right person”, when in reality they feel inadequate to the demands of a relationship and/or fear being abandoned by anyone they are close to.

Intimacy avoidance and loneliness

The same addict who is doing everything to avoid intimacy will often feel desperately needy and lonely. Sometimes the addict is aware of a longing for connection; other times the addict lives without intimate relating but doesn’t quite know what is missing or why they push people away. Isolation and loneliness can then become the excuse and the occasion for sexual acting out such as online sex, sexual massage parlors, prostitutes, etc. It is only in recovery that the addict can recognize his or her own lack of intimacy ability and begin to practice new behaviors to overcome their fears of being known and connected.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

5 Signs you are Involved with a Narcissist

Basically you can’t get close to a narcissist.  A relationship with a narcissist will be a problem, and the more narcissistic they are the more it becomes impossible.

Sex addicts and addicts generally are often described as narcissistic, but many non-addicts are narcissists as well.  Trying to have a relationship with a true narcissist can be an extremely tortuous and confusing experience.

The continuum of narcissism

Many psychological disorders are now being talked about as existing on a “spectrum”, that is they are not like other diseases where either you have them or you don’t.  With spectrum disorders the set of symptoms can range from very mild to very severe.

As I have discussed previously, narcissists at the mild end may be labeled as having narcissistic personality traits such as self centeredness and vanity; those labeled as having narcissistic personality disorder will be mostly oblivious of the needs of others and will focus on maintaining a false and grandiose sense of a self.  At the outer most extreme the narcissist becomes akin to a sociopath, feeling so over-entitled and so lacking in conscience or empathy that they are opportunists and even criminals.

Many sex addicts and other kinds of addicts have what is called a narcissistic defense system, that is they have a façade of self importance which merely covers a deep seated lack of self worth.

What to expect with a narcissist

Narcissists are cut off from others by their underlying insecurity but they nevertheless can become expert at manipulating people in order to draw them in.  They can be habitually seductive as a way of finding validation and power in relating to people generally.  They are fundamentally impossible to connect with in the following ways.

  • The narcissist needs you to be focused on him.

He or she may initially show  great interest and appreciation for you.  This is gratifying but is skin deep.  It is done to get you to focus on them.  They may give lavish praise and compare you favorably to others; in this way they manipulate you into trying to keep their good opinion thus becoming more and more focused on what they think about you (and everything else.)  And you become unconsciously afraid to displease the narcissist or incur his disapproval.

  • The narcissist needs to see anyone they are close to as special.

The idea here is that the narcissist needs to feel he is wonderful and that he wouldn’t be seen associating with anyone who wasn’t wonderful too.  He sees you as a reflection of his own specialness.  This does not really say anything about how he really feels about you, what is important to the narcissist is how you make him look to others and to himself.

  • The narcissist will be controlling and demanding.

You may feel constantly thrown off from what you were doing or thinking about because the narcissist will come at you with their needs and wants.  Narcissists will have their own agenda most of the time.  They will use their judgmental attitude, their scrutiny of you and their strong opinions to enforce that agenda.

If you have already become involved you may be sacrificing yourself in a million little ways and even feeling that your life has been taken over.  This is a far cry from a real relationship in which the partners’ lives together involve mutual decision making and genuine listening.

  • Narcissists will be volatile when they are challenged.

Since their façade of superiority is just a façade, the narcissist will be cut to the quick if they feel criticized in any way.  Their first line of defense will be to discount and devalue whatever or whoever has pricked their bubble.  But they will be deeply affected and may harbor rage or resentments.  This makes it impossible to express your true feelings or needs and to have them be heard.

  • Narcissists will bail out when you stop feeding their narcissism.

You may be unable to shake the feeling that the relationship is tenuous because it is.  It is possible to puncture a narcissist’s false self very easily.  And since your worth to him or her lies in your ability to reinforce their self image, you can become a hindrance if and when you stop mirroring their perfection.

Someone who has milder narcissistic traits is probably using their grandiosity as a defense, as is the case with most sex addicts in treatment.  In recovery they can gain a stronger sense of self worth and let go of the narcissistic defense system.  With treatment, these people may be more able to connect to their insecurities and you may find that they both want and have a genuine capacity for a healthy relationship.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Ogling Other Women Can be a Real Problem for Partners of Sex Addicts

Many wives and partners of sex addicts complain of their partner ogling other women.  A man who can’t help staring at other women may be just a rude guy or his ogling may be part of a pattern of sexually compulsive behavior.  If you are the partner of such a man you will know that it is crazy making.  There are a million ways for a man to brush aside your concern and make you feel that you are overreacting.  It is “gaslighting” on steroids.

I have worked with many sex addicts and their partners for whom ogling is a serious problem. By that I mean often the sex addict will be unable to stop looking at attractive women and will be using the images of sexy women he sees in passing as a way to be swept away, to feed a fantasy life, and to avoid the person he is with.

I saw one sex addict who admitted that he ogled in this way; that he looked at women “from the neck down”.  He was happily married yet he saw himself as being sexually compulsive in this one area.  He claimed he would do anything to stop because it hurt his wife so much.  When he couldn’t stop looking at another woman in a restaurant on his honeymoon it was a wake up call for his wife (and him).

The three second rule

Sex addicts in recovery are told to follow the three second rule, meaning that although you can’t help glancing at or noticing someone, you can give yourself three seconds to stop looking.  At that point you can hopefully manage to redirect your thoughts away from sexual objectification and into seeing the person as a person (a student, someone’s daughter, etc.) and to wish them well.

One of the partners of sex addicts who wrote to me  challenged this idea.  Her partner is a recovering sex addict who ogles women.  She wrote:

“His comment to me about three seconds was that he rarely if ever looks that long because he wants to avoid discovery. He is very subtle about his looking, yet he is able to get a potent hit, even though his eyes only “flick” briefly onto a woman’s body. So basically, someone could look for under three seconds and get a potent sexual hit. In other words, it’s really not about the amount of time. It’s about the intent, the hunting, the feeding, the drinking in, the filling up.”

She describes also:

“…a different person I know who captures image impressions of women’s bodies and files them away mentally for later fantasy use. These also could be just very brief glimpses of someone’s cleavage or of someone in an every day position that is sexually titillating to the viewer.”

This woman’s partner is not unusual.  Many sex addicts complain that they are helpless because there are just so many sexy women around and they can’t help looking at them.  And yet ogling can feed an addiction by adding to what some sex addicts call their “data base” of sexual imagery that they can call up at a later time to use for masturbation or even during sex.  It can feed what is essentially a stash of mental pornography even if they have been successful in giving up an actual pornography addiction.

One thing is for sure; if a man has already identified himself as having problematic, compulsive sexual behavior then his ogling is probably one of his array of sexually addictive behaviors.

What ogling does

Remembering images and having fantasies is not at all pathological in itself.  And to some extent the level objectification of women that is involved in ogling is an everyday occurrence in our culture.

But as I noted elsewhere, the American Psychological Association talked about ogling as one step along a scale:

“with sexualized evaluation (e.g. looking at someone in a sexual way) at the less extreme end, and sexual exploitation, such as trafficking or abuse, at the more extreme end.”

Sexual objectification of women (and men) is rampant in our culture and it is probably getting worse.  As a form of objectification, ogling may or may not be a dangerous trend, but can seriously interfere with a person’s ability to relate in an intimate relationship.

Ogling as a form of sexualizing and objectifying people is so common among sex addicts as to be almost universal.  And it can also provide a direct trigger to relapse in an addict who gets swept into fantasy.

For some sex addicts looking at women in a sexual way is part of their addictive ritual.  They feel deprived of sex, even rejected by the women they look at and this paves the way for them to escape into their other sexually addictive behaviors such as internet porn.

Is ogling voyeuristic?

As I discussed in a prior post it may not be possible for most of us to tune out sexy women.  But sexual looking and sexual evaluation of strangers can be seen as unwanted and invasive in itself, quite apart form its impact on partners of sex addicts.  Some women may want to be looked at, but some may feel slimed or even violated by it.  And since the ogler has not way of knowing it’s best to assume that there is something uninvited and even potentially voyeuristic about it.

Predatory Flirting and Intriguing as Sex Addiction Symptoms

When I first heard the term “predatory flirting” in connection with  sex addiction symptoms I was taken aback. Predatory sounds like something criminal, but flirting seemed so normal and harmless. But the term describes a symptom, a behavior, which is characteristic of certain sex addicts.

Who engages in predatory flirting?

One type of sex addict, dubbed the Seduction Role addict by Patrick Carnes, is particularly likely to engage in a lot of flirting.  The seduction addict gets his “fix” by getting women interested in him sexually or romantically.  The seduction is everything.  One seduction sex addict told me that the real high was the first kiss.  After that he would begin to lose interest and start looking for the next conquest.

The related concept in describing sex addiction symptoms is “intriguing.”  Like flirting, intriguing is a way to create a feeling of private, personal intensity.  It is a way of establishing through some subtle means such as coded comments, private jokes or pointed eye contact, that you and the other person share a connection that no one else is a part of.

Other sex addicts whose preferred behavior is serial affairs have flirting and intriguing as sex addiction symptoms.  They may use flirtation as a way to line up their sexual supply.  They follow through with the sexual liaison but can only take things so far.  A real relationship is frightening and overwhelming.  The addict will find a way to end things and move on to the next affair.  Many serial seducers are married and are investing most of their sexuality in their secret life.

Sex addicts who are addicted to romantic seduction and affairs are driven by the need to constantly re-establish their attractiveness to the opposite sex.  They are as insecure as most other kinds of sex addicts and often feel that their sexual attractiveness is all they have to offer.  They fear that if they do not hook people sexually then there will be no reason for people to be around them.

What does predatory flirting look like?

Normal flirting is a casual and tentative way of initiating contact that may become romantic.  It is the first step in a possible courtship and lets someone know that we are potentially interested.  It involves saying things that are more personal, intense, suggestive or flattering than we would say to just anyone and then if there is a response, following up with real attempts to get to know the person better.

Smoke and mirrors

When it is predatory, flirting is intense but not sincere.  It is designed to capture the person’s interest and attraction but it is not backed up by any genuine interest.  Rather it is just a habitual way that the addict approaches anyone in a broad category of target people.  It is almost automatic, a default position which represents the addict’s safest way of relating.

Wholesale sexualizing

If you know the seduction sex addict well and you observe them flirting, you will see that they are rather indiscriminate in who they flirt with.  They want to captivate everyone, from the waitress to their mother-in-law.  Also, they will begin flirting right away with someone who is attractive looking even if they don’t know them and will never see them again.

Deniability

Another feature of the seduction addict’s predatory flirting is that it is eminently deniable.  It is throwing out a lure while and the same time pretending that there is no such thing going on.  It is suggestive of something but it is hard to pin down, and this vagueness is frequently a part of predatory flirting.

One type of predatory flirting involves being over-attentive or caring toward a woman.  This suggests that the addict has a real interest in her and also that he is a caring and generally good guy.  This may be a consciously seductive scheme or not.  But often the woman will get interested in this “nice” guy and approach him back only to be told that she has misinterpreted the situation.

Intensity without intention

The predatory flirter will throw out seemingly suggestive comments designed to create a feeling of connection with not other intention than to get the woman’s attention on him. I observed a seduction addict I know run into a woman whom he had seen once before somewhere.  She remarked that it was a coincidence to which he responded: “There are no coincidences.”  It is the initial stage of the empty seduction, the attempt to create a feeling of intensity without intention.

Why is this process predatory?

The addict’s lack of intention or ability to follow through in establishing a relationship with his target women are not just sex addiction symptoms in the abstract.  What the behavior means is that he is being exploitive and insincere.  He is using his ability to hook the woman into thinking he is interested in her when in fact he is using her to get an addictive hit, to make himself feel attractive.

This kind of seductiveness and compulsive flirting is a distortion of what flirting is really for.  It is a symptom of a problem that underlies most sex addiction: deep insecurity and the fear of intimacy.   Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

6 Ways Recovering Alcoholics Deny Sex and Intimacy Issues

Many recovering alcoholics and drug addicts have problems with sex and intimacy.  Even though they have been in 12-step recovery, they may still have intimacy issues.

They may have great difficulty following through with relationships and instead go for repeated seductions in which they use the feeling of falling in love as a substitute high.  Other recovering chemical dependency people become sexually compulsive with online hook-ups or internet pornography as their new drug of choice.  Still others have intense, high drama relationships in which they seek to control the other person out of fear.  As they often say, “I don’t have relationships, I take prisoners.”

Denial mechanisms

Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts may use denial mechanisms to avoid seeing their problems with intimacy and sexuality.  When we talk about being “in denial” what we mean is that the addict is using one or more habitual ways of thinking about a situation which serve to eliminate the need to take the situation seriously or to do anything about it.

 

Minimizing

This is the tendency to see anything to do with sex and relationships as relatively minor and harmless.  The alcoholic/addict may argue that behaviors like compulsive porn use, preoccupation with online hook-ups, or frequent visits to prostitutes are not nearly as risky or life threatening as chemical dependency.  Also they may rely on the argument that sexual acting out is entirely legal and that it is victimless.

Rationalization

Sex addiction can creep into the recovering addict’s life because it is a drug that can substitute for the previous addiction.  The addict may “rationalize” this use of sex as a drug on the basis that it makes sense to rely on sex because it is a way to stay away from another addiction.  They may argue that “love” is a good thing and that being hooked on sexual behaviors “keeps me out of trouble.”

Compartmentalizing

Recovering alcoholics and addicts can appear to be leading a normal life.  As practicing alcoholics and drug addicts, their daily functioning was probably much more compromised in a much more obvious way than that of the practicing sex addict.  Sex addicts can keep their sexual behavior compartmentalized and hidden.  Out of sight out of mind.  Thus the addict can convince himself and everyone else that there is nothing wrong.  There may be not obvious consequences and there may be no one in the addict’s life who ever calls him on his behavior.

Projection

Recovering addicts often take a superior and derisive attitude toward sex addicts.  This grandiosity is a part of a narcissistic defense system that many addicts have and that covers up a sense of inferiority.  It can also take the form of machismo and sexism in which recovering alcoholics or addicts may engage in seductive and sexually predatory behavior toward people in their recovery groups.  This is sometimes referred to as “13th stepping.”  It is a need to feed the ego and to feel better by seeing other people as worse off.  Thus recovering alcoholics and addicts may even take the attitude that sex addiction recovery is a kind of joke.

Undoing

Recovering addicts and alcoholics often attribute their sexually compulsive behavior to something other than sex addiction.  They very commonly are aware that they behave in a sexually inappropriate manner prior to chemical dependency recovery and they attribute that to the fact that they were high on drugs or alcohol.  Drugs and alcohol allowed them to overcome their inhibitions and behave in overtly excessive ways sexually.

What they fail to see is that the sexually compulsive behavior is a drug in its own right and has the same roots and their chemical dependency.  They may also attribute their sexually addictive behavior to another psychological problem such as bipolar disorder.  In any case, these are ways of saying that a pattern of sexually addictive behavior doesn’t exist because it is really just a byproduct of something else.

Intellectualizing

This can take various forms in which the alcoholic uses semi-logical argument as to why they cannot or need not do anything about a problem.  One form is to take a victim role, i.e. to feel helpless and hopeless about changing how they relate to intimacy and relationships.  They argue that they have already worked a program and that there is nothing more they can do.  In other words this is as good as it gets.

Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts often have little or no experience with healthy intimate relationships.  Their primary relationship has been with a chemical and they are most often avoidant of true intimacy.

It is important for those of us in the sex addiction field to help educate chemical dependency professionals and people in the recovery community about the next phase in sobriety and about the importance of gaining relationship skills and becoming “intimacy-abled.”

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

New Treatment Models for Teen Porn Addiction

The enormous global proliferation of online pornography has made a vast array of sexually explicit material available to a large teen audience on laptops, tablets and smart phones. And if smart accessories catch on, you will soon be able to wear your pornography.

Online pornography accounts for such an overwhelming proportion of internet traffic that a new search engine has been created specifically for adult content. It was designed by two former Google employees and searches only for pre-screened adult content that is free of illicit or malevolent intent. It is also designed to protect the user from cookies and other forms of identity tracking. The site was launched on September 15th and according to the founders has “taken off like a rocket.”

Internet porn has long been seen as more readily accessible than riskier and more costly habits like prostitutes, massage parlors or anonymous hook-ups. This in turn makes it more easily available to youth, with the typical first exposure being in the pre-teen years.

Effects of porn on teens and young adults

A study published this summer in the by the UK’s Institute for Public Policy Research surveyed 500 18-year-olds about the impact of porn on their lives. Most of the respondents reported that accessing pornography was common throughout their school years, began in their early teens and had a damaging effect on their sexual and relationship lives.

Dr. Anthony Jack, a researcher and neuroscience professor at Case Western Reserve University stated that recent studies show “…widespread rates of sexual dysfunction… such that approximately 50% of late adolescents of both sexes report sexual dysfunction of clinical severity”.  (See “Your Brain on Porn” by Gary Wilson)

Another study published this month by researchers in the US found that among a sample of over 900 emerging adults in college more frequent porn viewing was correlated with a greater number of sexual hook-ups and one night stands.

Other recent studies of the brain activity of chronic porn users have begun to show detrimental effects such as:

• Less gray matter and reduced reward center activity while viewing sexually explicit imagery, i.e. desensitization.

• A weakening of nerve connections between the reward centers and the higher brain centers thus increasing impulsiveness and impairing decision making.

• Porn induced erectile dysfunction

As one of the researchers put it, “…regular consumption of pornography more or less wears out your reward system.” And clinicians here and abroad are seeing many more young adults and teens who can achieve erection and ejaculation with porn but not with a real person.

Treating the young porn addict: three models

The current crop of very young addicts have some special characteristics. The pre-teen brain is not fully mature and their emerging sexuality programs them to react powerfully to sexual stimuli. Getting hooked on porn at an early age can be damaging in at least three different ways. These in turn require interventions very different from the years of addiction treatment and relapse prevention that are appropriate for most adult addicts.

I. The drug-driven model

Jeff’s addiction appears to have come about through the habit-forming nature of porn itself in the absence of any other obvious psychopathology.

At first I thought Jeff was just like any other sex addict client, only younger. He had been watching porn on his computer since he was 13, and at age 18 he realized he had begun to fixate on child porn. Fortunately this scared him enough that he came clean to his parents who put him in a 6 week residential program for sex addiction.

After the residential program Jeff saw me for therapy for about a year. He also attended weekly Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. He was an attractive, sophisticated kid with a sunny disposition, but at 20 he was still a virgin who had never dated a girl. While he was seeing me he began dating a very appropriate same-age young woman and eventually began a robust sexual relationship with her. Although that relationship ended he never returned to porn use that I know of. I am as certain as I can be that he had no residual attraction to children.

What is striking is that although Jeff went along with the usual program of sex addiction recovery, what seems to have worked for him was just getting away from porn! With abstinence, it seems his young brain rebalanced and in a period of months he was able to resume normal sexual development. He became more outgoing and began college with the ambition to become a filmmaker. Jeff needed a structure that would allow him to stay away from porn along with some outside support to get his life back on a normal track.

II. The trauma model

Brad discovered internet porn at 12 and became instantly hooked. He reports that his use escalated very rapidly as did his sexual tastes. He was binging on porn very heavily every day. While still in his teens he says that he quit, primarily out of exhaustion. His sexual interest diminished to zero and as of his mid 20’s he reported that his libido seemed to be permanently gone. He attributes this result to a kind of virtual sexual trauma.

There is some research that would support the idea that very early exposure to sexually explicit material can have effects on the developing psyche similar to actual sexual assault. The young mind is not ready to deal with the shock, adrenaline and stress of the hyper-arousal caused by porn. It thus constitutes a violation which can leave lasting sexual scars. Brad correctly sought out treatment with a specialist in sexual trauma rather than sex addiction.

III. The hybrid model

Ken is a happily married man in his late 20’s. He entered treatment for an addiction to porn and masturbation dating from childhood. He had no other sexually addictive behaviors but he had significant early trauma. His father died of a cocaine overdose when Ken was a toddler. Ken became the “man of the house” at age 3 and soon after had a serious illness requiring months of hospitalization. He had an unhealthy relationship with his narcissistic, demanding mother. Also as a child he witnessed his teenage sisters being molested by an older cousin.

After about 8 months of abstinence from porn and with the support of group therapy Ken has shifted gears. His relationship with his wife whom he adores is going well and he is comfortable with a new-found intimacy with her. In fact Ken no longer presents as an addict; he does however have issues that he knows he needs to work on. In particular he knows he has never fully understood or worked through his early childhood experiences and he is working his way out of his enmeshed relationship with his mother. He is appropriately seeking help for these problems and appears to be at zero risk of relapse into porn addiction.

So the good news is that the youthful porn addict’s brain can recover and resume a more normal developmental trajectory. And given that their only addictive behavior is internet porn and that their total time of usage relatively short, they do not have to overcome addiction as a pervasive and deeply entrenched coping style. They can get cured and stay cured. The bad news is that there is as yet so little awareness of the risks to children and teens on the part of the medical profession, the academic community, schools and the public at large. As with so many public health issues, prevention and education are sorely needed.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Online Relationships: Real or Fantasy?

When I “e-meet” someone, that is connect online, I often have strong and immediate feelings that I like them or that I don’t, even though I have never seen them or talked to them in person.  It is not a stretch to see that this feeling of connection can be experienced by many people as an intimate and even sexual attraction.  (I have dealt with the topic of connecting sexually through cybersex vs. real sex in another post.)

The reality basis of online connecting and “she sounded cute on the phone”

Part of the sense of immediately knowing someone from very little actual information has to do with the fact that we as humans may be using our gift for “rapid cognition” as it is described by Malcolm Gladwell in his book  Blink: the Power of Thinking Without Thinking.

Gladwell also uses the term “thin slicing” to describe the phenomenon by which we can sometimes evaluate situations and make decisions almost instantaneously, with a seemingly miniscule amount of information and without actual logical reasoning.

This is a scientific description of what I think of in some situations as “intuition”.  I am reminded of my surprise when first hearing men say things like “she sounded cute on the phone.”  “She sounded cute?”  How does somebody sound cute looking?

Regardless of what we call it, it does seem that we can get a powerful and sometimes fairly accurate idea of what someone is like with limited actual input and without the aid of analytic thought. And this is especially true as people scan for sexual cues.  But surely there is much more that we don’t know that may be crucially important in determining whether they could be a close friend or lover.

However, in connecting online we have come into contact with someone with whom closeness and even intimacy could be a real possibility as opposed to the millions of people we wouldn’t even want to know.  We have used our intuition and our computer tools to give us better odds than we would ever have otherwise.  And of course this is the numbers game that online dating and friendship sites depend on.

The fact that we can connect in real ways online has become a pervasive and important part of life.

The fantasy element in online relating and the bridal veil

As a sex addiction therapist I deal with many people who have fantasy relationships online including sexual chat, hook-ups, cybersex experiences, and finding prostitutes.

Obviously for sex addicts online relationships can be part of a pattern of intimacy avoidance and usually involve splitting off part of the addict’s life that deals with sex, often at the expense of real intimacy with a partner.

But the fantasy element of online relating can enhance the illusion of intimacy for addict and non addict alike.

I think of the experience of online intimacy as having a “value added” element. What we add is our imagination of reality in order to complete the online picture which is always incomplete.  These value added elements appeal to our all-too-human needs.  Here are a few.

  • Intimacy without accountability.  In online relationships we don’t owe each other anything and we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to do.  We can just enjoy each other and then walk away from the computer.
  • Perpetual romance.  In an online romance we can idealize the other person and since the fantasy is never contaminated by reality we never have to let go of our ideal.  This allows us to avoid real intimacy and puts in its place a “story” we can concoct about the essence of the relationship—one that fits out best fantasies.
  • Idealizing our self image.  In online relating we can curate and embellish our own image. People can and often do deceive others and indulge in a fantasy of being better looking, more successful, smarter, younger or whatever helps alleviate their insecurities.
  • The excitement of the unknown.  The element of mystery, surprise and sometimes danger involved in the online encounter is powerful fuel which can propel us further into the “relationship” and the excitement can be an end in itself.

Why do some brides still wear veils covering their faces until after they are officially married?  This archaic gesture conveys not only the idea that the bride is pure and untouched, but also serves to prolong until the last possible moment, the fantasy of what physical and sexual intimacy will be like.  In this way veils are a precursor of the mystery and fantasy involved in online encounters.

As with so many things the online relationship can be great or it can become a problem, a substitute for off line relating and even an obsession.  We are still learning how to navigate this new world.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

“I’m So Sorry”: Do Sex Addicts Really Mean it?

Celebrity sex addicts from high profile politicians to iconic sports stars whose secret behavior is exposed are quick to apologize.

We see them on television, often with their betrayed spouse beside them, saying how sorry they are and apologizing to their fans, constituents, partners and the world at large for betraying their trust and violating their own values. But can they really be sorry right away?

One’s first and maybe cynical impression is that they are not so much sorry about what they did as they are sorry that their life has been turned upside down. And indeed, in sex addiction treatment, it is not unusual for the addict to initially experience a flood of emotion and remorse just from realizing the full meaning and enormous impact of their behavior. A colleague of mine refers to this outpouring as “narcissistic tears.” They have come face to face with their own human flaw.

Sex Addiction Treatment Stresses Remorse

The accepted protocols for treating sex addiction as well as the 12-step programs stress the need for the addict to come out of the self-centered universe of addiction and begin to see the damage done to others as well as to him/herself. But it is understood that although the initial crisis period results in a flood of shame, the basic change needed for what is known as genuine “victim empathy” to emerge requires years.

As a trainee I observed my supervisor interviewing a new sex addiction client. The client said “But I’m really a good man.” I was surprised when my supervisor responded “No you’re not.” This kind of confrontation is sometimes important in helping to shake loose the addict’s narcissistic false self image.

What is involved in real remorse?

In some instances we can be truly sorry right away. If a bus lurches and you step on someone’s foot you immediately say “I’m sorry”. And in this instance you really are sorry, because you had no ability to control your hurtful behavior. You have immediate empathy and concern for the person even if they are inwardly – or outwardly – cursing you for being such a clod.

The betrayal of other people (and oneself) that accompanies the ongoing sexual acting out of an addict is a different kind of hurt. Losing your balance on a moving bus and stepping on someone’s foot has, as least for most people, no particular connection with their sense of who they are. It is an involuntary act that says nothing about us, hence it is easy to accept that we have (involuntarily) hurt someone.

But if you as an addict have been habitually finding selfish ways to secretly meet your own needs at the expense of other people then “I’m sorry I hurt you” doesn’t seem to cut it.

In the immediate aftermath of the disclosure of a sex addict’s secret life it is clear to everyone, except maybe the addict, that he or she is still the same person. There cannot be an instantaneous transformation. Every bit of fear, conflict, low self worth, and lack of integrity is still there.

Real remorse and victim empathy can only happen when the addict has done enough self exploration and acquired enough self awareness to function in an entirely different way. Major basic change of this kind involves;

• A shift from impression management to honesty and transparency

• A shift from a habit of avoiding, controlling and placating others to a genuine ability to express feelings, needs and vulnerabilities

• A shift from grandiosity and self-centeredness to an ability to really listen to another and to be comfortable being influenced by a partner

• A shift from a compartmentalized life to an ability to share all the parts of oneself with another person

In other words, the addict becomes integrated, stronger, more centered and more available to bond. For those who know the person well, these changes are often very obvious. We feel the addict to be more sincere, more serious and more grounded. And perhaps the most obvious way that this new found integrity is expressed is in the addict’s commitment to recovery for its own sake. The addict is not longer going to meetings and therapy to please someone else or burnish his/her image. Recovery will have become unmistakably important in and of itself.

Implications for partners of sex addicts

The initial feelings accompanying disclosure may be an important motivator in getting the addict to commit to his/her own recovery going forward, including the wish to make it right with the partner.

But although the addict feels some immediate relief in knowing that he has come clean and that help is on the way, the partner who chooses to stick around will often have a much harder time recovering. A large part of the reason for this is that the process of bringing about deeper inner change sometimes seems glacially slow.

The literature on sex addicts and partners reports that on average it takes a year to begin to rebuild trust. Often it seems to take longer than that.  I believe this is not only because the addict needs to “behave” for long enough to establish credibility, and not only because the addict must walk the walk of making amends. It is also because the partner can tell whether and to what extent basic inner changes are taking place. And in the long run this is essential to the credibility of the addict’s expressions of empathy and remorse.

This article originally appeared on Recovery Brands:  http://www.recovery.org/pro/articles/im-so-sorry-when-do-sex-addicts-really-mean-it/

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Losing a Partner Complicates Sex Addiction Recovery

A sizable number of couples stay together through the upheaval of sex addiction. According to my educated estimate about half of all sex addicts in sex addiction recovery are working with a partner to try to repair the relationship.

By the same token many sex addicts end up losing their partner following the disclosure of sex addiction and the ensuing crisis. I have found that there are complications for recovery in both situations.

If the sex addict’s partner chooses to stay in the relationship, then the sex addict has certain advantages. The presence of a partner (and possibly children) very often provides a strong motivation for the addict to follow through with treatment and recovery. No matter what the addictive behavior, internet porn, prostitutes, hook-ups, etc. the married sex addict has a lot to lose by failing to get “sober”.  Also the presence of a partner adds a level of accountability. If the addict is truly engaged in recovery, then he or she will be committed to transparency and honesty with a partner and in general. Agreeing to tell all can help to give the addict a reason to be more conscientious about avoiding situations that might lead to relapse.

But what happens when the addict comes clean to a partner, becomes sincerely engaged in recovery and then the partner or spouse leaves? I would like to share my observations as to the impact of divorce on sex addiction recovery; both the negative impact and to whatever extent, the positive impact as well .

Negative impact of break-ups

  • Apart from the loss of motivation and accountability that was connected to the relationship, separation and divorce add serious emotional stresses to the situation. The end of any relationship, even a bad one, is experienced as a loss. This means that even for a person who was not struggling with addiction and recovery, there would be grief and deep feelings of abandonment.
  • As I have discussed elsewhere,  sex addicts tend to be highly co-dependent themselves even though they have lead a secret life outside their relationship. They are insecure and tend to base their self worth on the perceptions of others. The rejection of a break-up only reinforces their feeling of unworthiness which in turn can derail any new found sense of strength in recovery.
  • The turmoil surrounding a separation or divorce can become a serious distraction from the addict’s recovery routine. The mechanics of leaving familiar surroundings, finding a place to live, arranging to see their children if there are any, and dealing with the legal process of impending divorce proceedings can sap the addict’s energy and resources.
  • Addicts in a break-up will be experiencing a great deal of emotional pain and distress. Their typical way of dealing with negative emotions in the past was through escape into their addictive behavior. Thus the added emotional distress of shame and rejection increases the motivation to reach for their “drug”.
  • Most sex addicts have a problem dealing with boredom and loneliness without wanting to act out sexually. Isolation is not helpful to sex addiction recovery and the fact of suddenly being on their own can be a big risk factor, especially if break up has left them feeling less motivated to engage with supportive people.
  • The addict can become obsessed with the partner who has rejected them, thus leading them into destructive fantasies and delusional thinking. They may fantasize that they can win the partner back, or they may ruminate and become angry and resentful. They may also become obsessed with finding a new partner immediately in order to bolster their damaged sense of self and restore parity with the person they have lost. All of this obsessing and emotion pulls the addict away from reality and from the need to address their own recovery and growth.

Is there any upside to break-ups?

Obviously there may be advantages for the spouses and partners who feel that moving on is in their own best interests. But what about the addict? I believe that after the immediate crisis of the break-up and its impact on sex addiction recovery have subsided, the addict will be in a better position to assess the intimacy problems that almost certainly characterized the relationship. I contend that practicing addicts are drawn to partners and styles of relating that do not demand. In that sense, I think the practicing addict promoted a sort of dysfunctional situation both because it was somehow familiar and because it provided a situation that at once allowed and was an excuse for sexual acting out.

In sex addiction recovery, the divorced or separated addict has a chance to recover from the addiction and to learn a new kind of relating built on intimacy and trust.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

It’s OK to Have Bad Sex: The Sex Addict’s Difficult Adjustment

Sex addicts tend to be perfectionists.  And this is especially true in their attitude toward sex.  They are known for their all-or-nothing thinking, the tendency to view the world in terms of extremes.  In their sex life with a partner, sex addicts in recovery tend to carry with them an extreme and basically intolerant set of expectations. Just as an aside, there have been a slew of blogs and research survey findings that suggest that we are all having our sexual expectations distorted by the increasing pornification of our culture.  Some in the “feminist porn” movement and elsewhere have attempted to fight the idealized images and expectations shown in mainstream porn and in the “ambient porn” of movies, games, magazines and TV.  See also my journal article the findings of the APA task force on the sexualization of girls in our society.

The over importance of sex and orgasm

Sex addicts have as a core belief that sex is their most important need.  Thus sex addicts place an undue emphasis on sexual arousal and gratification.    Even before the advent of internet porn, sex addicts have always tended to be in a hurry to get to the sex act and to achieve the perfect orgasm.  If this didn’t happen all was lost. Having permission to have “bad sex”, i.e. sex that doesn’t match some perfect ideal, is a way to counteract the desperate need that sex addicts feel.  It can help relieve the pressure and can allow for times when the partners feel less energetic, more sensual etc.  It takes the focus off of “getting my needs met” and places it more on just having a sexual, physical experience with someone you are close to.

Fantasy standards of desirability

Because sex addicts are used to engaging in sex that is excessively loaded with fantasy content, (sex with strangers, cybersex, escorts, strip clubs, and of course pornography) they usually have perfectionistic (fantasy ridden) ideas about how women’s and men’s bodies should look.  This then results in the feeling that any sex with someone who doesn’t measure up to a fantasy standard of beauty or prowess is no good.  Hence the saying that to an addict “sex with a real woman is just bad porn.”

Unrealistic expectations about sexual behavior

Sex in the context of a relationship may seem boring to a sex addict.  In a real situation the addict has to deal with all kinds of awkward, messy and most importantly unpredictable elements.  These will almost certainly burst the addict’s fantasy bubble. In addition, sex addicts are used to fantasy scenarios that may involve all kinds of erotic behavior that their partner may not wish to engage in. We are asking the recovering sex or porn addict to adjust to what they may see as “plain vanilla” sex.

Paradoxically, sex in real life may also be more unpredictable and less boring.  Sex addicts are used to controlling the sexual experience from beginning to end.  In sex addiction, the addict has a preferred scenario or arousal template. This can evolve and escalate into more extreme behaviors, but the addict knows what he or she is going to get.  Real, relational sex is not so predictable.  This means things may end up unusually exciting and passionate or they may end up less so.

Expectations of hyper-arousal and porn induced ED

In addictive sexual acting out, the addict seeks a very extreme form of arousal and often seeks to prolong it.  This level of extreme or hyper-arousal is unlikely to exist in any everyday situation.  Furthermore there is beginning to be evidence that porn addiction in particular can lead men to experience erectile dysfunction when they attempt to have sex with a real person.  This porn induced ED, as it is called, is reversible when the addict abstains from porn use for a period of time.

The use of ED drugs like Viagra is becoming increasingly prevalent, even among younger men and men who don’t need it.  Addicts in particular may have exaggerated ideas about what they need to be able to do to “perform” sexually and may be very anxious in trying to have healthy sex with a partner.  It is normal for men to have a physical response to what is going on around them and sexual “performance” can vary for any number of reasons.  It is unfair, inaccurate and inhumane to see these fluctuations as a sign of something wrong or bad.  In recovery there is often a period of insecurity about sex but this is not a signal to panic and reach for ED drugs.

Sex can be a good thing no matter how it turns out

Sex addicts are so zeroed in on sex as central to life that they don’t realize that it is only one aspect, not the be-all and end-all.  Sex addicts find it hard to fathom the idea that, for many people, sex is great but has its proper place among many other great things in life.  In relationships sex is no doubt very important but it is a source of bonding as well as excitement and gratification.  The behavior of the partners and the level of arousal will exist in a broader spectrum or array of experience.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource