There is no reason to think that sex addiction is inherently gay vs. straight. Here are the available estimates to date. Rob Weiss who writes on sex addiction and gay sex addicts reports that 10% of gay men are sex addicts. Studies and estimates of the number of straight sex addicts in the U.S. are in the range of 6 to 9%, so a conservative estimate would be about 7%.
Given the available recent data, around 3.5% of the U.S. population are gay. So it seems that of the approximately 250 million adults in the U.S. around 16.9 million are straight sex addicts and around 875,000 are gay sex addicts. (The latter number may be a little off as it assumes lesbians are sex addicts in the same proportion as gay men which may not be the case.)
This set of numbers seems to show that there are an awful lot of straight people in the U.S. who are sex addicts and a relatively smaller number of gay sex addicts. But proportionally speaking, sex addiction is an equal opportunity affliction.
Although there is no reason to think that sex addiction in and of itself does anything to change a person’s sexual orientation there is occasionally some spill over. On the basis of my own experience with both straight and gay sex addicts I have concluded that there are some reasons why straight addicts, at some point in their addiction, can have experiences with gay sex and possibly the other way around as well.
Sex addiction is progressive
Untreated sex addicts tend to act out more frequently and to seek out new and more exciting sexual activities. As with all addictions it takes more of the drug or a stronger drug to keep the high going. Sex addicts who started out with internet porn and strip clubs may progress to sexual massage parlors and prostitutes. Sometimes the addict will escalate into risky or illicit behaviors like boundary violations with adults or children or voyeurism.
In the search for a new and different high, I have seen many sex addicts who have had experiences with same sex partners. This is not to say that they are covertly gay, but in this case it is only that they are looking for the next edgy thing.
Denial can dissolve normal restrains
Sex addiction depends on a sort of delusional state in which boundaries around what is unacceptable behavior become weaker. Denial allows addicts to let go their inner compass. And denial too is progressive and spreads to other areas of life. Secrecy and lack of integrity become the norm. As the denial and addiction take over the addict more and more ignores the consequences of his behavior regardless of whether he is gay or straight. He may exploit others or allow himself to be in situations which for him are abnormal. In other words he may lose the sense of control over his life and be less able to self activate.
Porn as the great accelerator
Internet pornography is so varied and intense it its content that it can present the addict with new and highly charged stimuli which trigger a forgotten experience or trauma from childhood. If the scenario involves gay sex and if the addict acts on it then it can look like a gay-straight issue when in fact it is unconscious imprinting that does not relate to the addicts underlying sexual orientation.
Recovery and sorting out sexual orientation
In the first year or two of recovery, sex addicts are sorting out who they are. As they let go of their old way of living and understand the experiences that led to their addiction, they will sort out their sexual orientation, possibly in a new way.
The addict who has been repeating childhood trauma with same sex partners may find that in recovery his more integrated and conscious sexual desires fall in a different direction. I have seen a gay sex addict come to the realization that he may actually be bisexual and so on.
Sometimes the acting out behavior does represent a true underlying orientation and the person acts it out in secret due to shame. But first the person needs to be evaluated for and possibly treated for sex addiction and their true orientation can become clear. See also my prior post Can a Straight Man be Addicted to Gay Sex?
32 Comments
Dear Dr. Hatch,
I discovered two years ago that my husband was a porn addict and a sex addict. It has destroyed our marriage and lives even though he has gone to counseling g and has done everything to try to make up for his transgressions. The problem is that, while I can learn to forgive, I can’t seem to learn to trust. He admitted to having sex with men , whom he met through Craigslist, but insists he is not homosexual…or even bi-sexual. We have been through three therapists, the last one being a sex-addiction specialist. He asserts that he was never molested at any point by a man. I think if I could believe that he is straight, I might be able to learn to trust . But I can’t understand how porn addiction alone could lead to same sex behavior, without some other co-existing pathology. After two years, he Iva’s now backed out of therapy, insisting that he understands what he was doing, and why he was doing it. He says that he has purged his mind from the poison that led him to sexually act out…that being porn. Can I ever learn to trust , and am I a fool if I do. How do I know if he is lying about his sexuality???
Heartbroken, I have discovered the same 6 months ago. Of 42 anonymous encounters that he has “remembered”, 38 of them were with men, most of which he found through Craigslist. I have read a lot of material for spouses/partners of sex addicts, and it says that being with others who have gone through the same thing can be healing. It is hard to find other women or even much information on our husbands who act out with same sex behaviors. My husband also insists that he is straight. The staggering statistics on his behaviors leads me to believe otherwise. I feel stuck where I am. I just don’t know what to believe. Wish we could talk.
Doubtful,
I have heard that it helps to talk to others, and the psychologist we were seeing reccomended support groups, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go to one. The statistics are staggering and painful. My mind just clan not process how someone who claims to love you and that you are their entire life could place it all in such jeopardy, never mind the fact that they put our health at such risk. My husband places the entire origin of his behavior to pornography, but I am too intelligent to accept such an excuse. I think the diagnosis of “sex addiction” is a convenient scape goat for closeted repressed men who are too selfish to do the right thing and set the women in their lives free. Every single action they take is to feed their narcissistic selfish desires, and they will swear on their children to cover their lies. I have lost all hope and I am lost. I don’t know where my life goes from here and I’m afraid. I would love to talk to you. Maybe one of us can set up an email account that we wouldn’t mind posting here, just so that we can email phone numbers. I will set one up now, and post here for you to send me your number, or if you feel more comfortable you can post an email and I will send you my number.
Hello Doubtful,
If you would like you can email me your number and a good time to talk. My email is LostSoulinNJ@gmail.com. If you would prefer, you can give me an email address, and I can email you my number.
Hello, and I did email you this morning. I hope you receive it, If not, I will check back here. Looking forward to talking.
Heartbroken, your story is very similar to mine. My husband worked in another state and was gone two weeks at a time for the last four years. Recently I found out that he had been living a secret life and it involved not only women but men. I try to understand and make sense of the things he did and sometimes I think I understand the addiction and sometimes I just don’t. He says that he has no desire to be with men and that he never thought of men before all this happened. How does that happen? I’m struggling myself with what I want to do. Part of me wants out because I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I know way more than I should about the things that happened. I found and email chat account with two years or chat sessions that went back and forth, Almost 5,000 of them. I know way to many details and its so hard to forget. He did some pretty crazy things with both men and women. My husband also says that he has had no trauma in his life so I am left wondering where this addiction comes from then where he acts out at 48 years old. Maybe one day it will make sense to me but right now it doesn’t. We are both seeing sex therapist and its only been two months since I found out. Its a hard thing to go through because I have told no one what he has done. My family and friends just think it was an affair but my reality is that it is so much worse. I can sympathize with you. Good luck!!!
Heartbroken, your story is very similar to mine. My husband worked in another state and was gone two weeks at a time for the last four years. Recently I found out that he had been living a secret life and it involved not only women but men. I try to understand and make sense of the things he did and sometimes I think I understand the addiction and sometimes I just don’t. He says that he has no desire to be with men and that he never thought of men before all this happened. How does that happen? I’m struggling myself with what I want to do. Part of me wants out because I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I know way more than I should about the things that happened. I found and email chat account with two years or chat sessions that went back and forth, Almost 5,000 of them. I know way to many details and its so hard to forget. He did some pretty crazy things with both men and women. My husband also says that he has had no trauma in his life so I am left wondering where this addiction comes from then where he acts out at 48 years old. Maybe one day it will make sense to me but right now it doesn’t. We are both seeing sex therapist and its only been two months since I found out. Its a hard thing to go through because I have told no one what he has done. My family and friends just think it was an affair but my reality is that it is so much worse. I can sympathize with you. Good luck!!!
Hi…. I know you wrote this a long time ago, but as someone just starting on this path, I’m desperate to know how this turned out for you. I know it’s selfish to ask. I guess I just need to know if there’s a light at the end of this tunnel or not.
Thisshouldcomewithamanual@hotmail.com
Jane
I’m in the same boat!! Would love to hear someone’s insights.
I am in the same boat As the posts are…I am so confused please reach out to me!!!
Hi I’m also dealing with this. It is more common than we think. I’m so heartbroken. I found a support group. And I plan on going to s.anon. my husband claims to be straight, but how can he be? He has been cheating with men and women. I don’t know if a can stay with him. He is in 12 step program for drug addiction too. I’m so lost…
Jody- is your support group online or local to You? I’m desperate to find something, anything.
Thisshouldcomewithamanual@hotmail.com
To the women who might read this: your significant others are not necessarily lying when they claim they are straight. It happened to me: I had raunchy sex with a man as the corolary of a cybersex and coke adicction. I had no romantic feelings for this guy, but I choose to give myself to him because it was the easy choice. He didn’t respect me at all and only wanted to do me. Afterwards, he told what we did to many common friends… a heavy blow to my social life and sexual identity. I think we addicts choose the worst option as a way to punish ourselves (low self steem is obvious). I know I’m straight because that’s my natural instict when I’m in social situations. The keyword here is clandestinity, which equals arousal. And also frustration (in my case I was frustrated because I couldn’t have a healthy relationship with any girl).There’s always pain underlying this situations. So be compassive. Of course this doesn’t mean you have to stick with an addicted man: that’s your call. I’m alright now, but you know what they say: once an addict, always an addict, meaning I have to be strong and vigilant.
Thanks for reaching out with this.
Linda
How are you now are you healed ? I was sexually abused by my.male cousin I think on 4 occasions. Also another occasion I was on my cousin computer and saw gay porn on there I did this for a couple of times I think I was 8 or 9 cant remember. Fast forward my teens I was overweight low self esteem and didnt lose my virginity till I was 24 and that was to a female hooker on the street. Wasnt really enjoyable because she smelled so I had a hard time keeping it erect till she started to jerk me off. Felt so gross after. I tried on 3 occasions to have sex with girls I found on tinder or at a house party. No trouble getting it up but the scenarios didnt work out. Either the girl was too tight that it was frustrating to get it in or we were both drunk. After I tried hooking up with a milf it went great at first but my erection started to go down probably because it was hot af in that room and i prob didnt drjnk much water but i was horny for her. Anyway when i lost it it was a blow to my confidence and my self esteem. I was still looking at porn but i viewed porn so much that i was jerking g off to everkinds straight lesbian gay incest hentai even some beastilaity. On okcupid some guy offered to give me a bj at first I said no but I was smoking so much weed during that time and watching gay porn that I thought I wanted to try. For someone who hadn’t had a positive sexual experience it felt good when I ejaculated but I had guilty and disgusted feeling with my self. But I found myself in more same sex situation I had sex with 4 guys but it was hard for me to cum I had to be fi ished off with a blowjob except one time when I was edging before I met this one guy and while he sucked me off for awhile he hopped on me and within a few strokes I came but again felt disgusted that I had sex and guilty for some reason even tho I wasnt seeing anybody. After that I didnt want to have sex with guys anymore but i still wanted blowjobs so i continued to engage in that behaviour 4 or 5 times till i said enough was enough because i felt like it wasnt right anymore and i was just over it. I met my ex gf on tinder and we had a great time just cuddling and kissing in my car where I def had some good erections. However I think that last sexual encounter with that women scared me and I didnt have confidence in myself and plus she was a virgin so I didnt want to f up her first time. I took viagra and it worked like a charm but my confidence didnt improve and after that I started experiencing ed and that fucked with my head for 6 months. Everytime we tried for sex i would get hard but lose it when it came time or it wouldnt get hard at all. I was really depressed barely ate anything and didnt drink water. That didnt help. 6 months this went on and she stuck with me. Till one day we had sex and that was amazing. After that we started to have sex at my house at random times not all the time but it was great I still had some ed but not as much. Unfortunately I went back on porn again and smoking weed regularly. That’s when I went to escort webpage to seek out new rush and over the course of 3 years with my gf i have cheated on her with 20 escorts all female mostly sex and sometime blowjobs. I felt the shame because I cheated on my gf who I loved and care about so much but I kept on doing it because I never experienced great sex with other women before. Although i was heartbroken when my gf broke up with me (she didnt know about the escorts but knew I had same sex experience before) I realized it was for the best I didnt want to hurt her anymore. During those times with the escorts I notice it was getting harder for me to feel horny for her and I would feel the same anxious and stress feeling i had during the first 6 months. Eventually we drifted apart. My counselor advise me not to watch porn smoke weed or do anything that would trigger it. I’m trying so hard but its difficult I get triggered when I see a beautiful women and feel like I need to masturbate to porn all over again. I’m tired if this and just want to be normal does it get better?
I have found you! No other site or book has reflected exactly what I am dealing with. Thank you for your posts!
We are both in therapy. I hope my post helps someone – I hope someone can help me. How long is it going to take for him to figure himself out? Life is short and I would like to get on with mine, with or with out him. I do not want to leave him while he is struggling with this.
If I stay, I need to stay for the right reason. Not to take care of him because he can not support himself, not because we can’t sell this damn house. I have to stay because of love and genuine and lasting reconciliation. I do not know what that looks like. Can anyone help me with that?
He says he is bi, but strongly prefers women and will do anything to keep me and recommit to our marriage. He read that he has to answer my questions honestly if he is ever to rebuild trust. What I write below is the result of many conversations. In these interchanges I was sometimes emotional and angry, other times analytical, trying to understand. So many lies have been unraveled in this process, I am not sure what is lie or truth, how much of the story is untold.
He had had two encounters with men several years before his serious acting out, which started in 2010, Our daughter was very young at the time and, as the at-home parent, childcare probably interfered with opportunities. His self esteem bottomed out after he lost his job during the recession. He has not made a living wage in nearly 5 years and I have been the primary earner for most of our marriage.
He started acting out (or so he claims) after his dad died. His dad died about a month after I took a job in another state, living away from home. I am away 2 nights a week. I had to do this or we would have lost our home. His dad did not abuse him, but was a distant, judgmental, belittling person. My sisters in laws and his grandmother made this clear to me, saying my husband was blind to that man’s flaws.
My husband said he was feeling mortal after his dad died and wanted more sexual experience since I was his first. He said he spent hours watching porn, chatting, some cybersex, and mastrubating. He also enganged in unprotected ananoymous sex. A week before Christmas I learned about a threesome he had with a married couple. Then I learned about the anonymous encounters with men, north of 40 men gave him fellatio over 4 years. I learned this moments before his sister came by to check on us after we skipped the family holiday. Boy did she walk in on a mess! She was incredibly supportive.
My husband felt men and married people were less of a threat to our marriage. WHAT?! He wanted both the woman and the man in the threesome encounter. He also said that local women rarely responded to him online, those that did were not attractive (i.e., very fat…heissuchajerk). Eventually he sheepishly admitted that if he had a local female prospect, he would have pursued that, claiming it was really just a matter of opportunity.
I know i probably sound like a ballbuster and you may think my being the wage earner drove him to this. Someone has to pay the bills. This is way more complicated than that. I never wanted this.
Thanks
P
Oh my I’m going through a similar situation as yours my husband said same thing when I busted his secretive email account with emails setting meets up when I confronted him about them then the shock really hit me when I found ones where he was claiming to be bisexual & what he liked to do with men I was so sickened I never imagined him liking guys in that sense it just goes on & on he told me that when the local women didn’t respond or it was actually fake auto responses from the women is when he started being curious with the men being they were real so it turned into opertunity I told him out of anger that I always felt he was an opertunist I feel so lost the pain is immense I’ve spent 13 years with this man he raised my 4 children & now we have 3 grandchildren that he adores as if they were his real blood I also paid $7000 to have my tubes reversed to have a baby with him in 2013 worst ever is I found this crap out right after miscarring our 2nd baby ‘m so shocked confused heartbroken so many emotions I feel so alone & have no one to talk to about this its so embarrassing Poisoned its been awhile since you posted but if you see my reply maybe you would like to talk maybe we can help each other to move on in this process that we never signed up for ugh it would just be great to have someone to relate to you can email me busgurl494evr@gmail.com K
I’m shaking reading your post. It sounds like I wrote it. This is very very new and fresh for me and I’m completely blindsided and completely lost. I just typed and deleted my story four times- it’s so awful I don’t think I can post it, even anonymously. Have you found any sort of groups or forums to talk to others going through this? I am really struggling with a therapist that seems equally flabbergasted and family/ friends who don’t respect me for not filing for divorce yet. I’m also really struggling to not take it all so personally- is there something wrong with me, I always suspected it was too good to be true, he was always too good for me I should have seen this coming, those sorts of things.
Any help anyone can offer, even just to talk, would be so, so amazing. Everyone here is in my thoughts- best, J.
Thisshouldcomewithamanual@hotmail.com
My journey I’ll call it (nightmare) started a year ago when my husband of 15 years lost his Father. He died suddenly of a massive heartattack. Things have completely unraveled since then. Since I believe my husband is a sex addict the sex didn’t necessarily decrease it was that he stopped even trying to please me. After losing my mind, begging for intimacy or just answers to why things seemed to be changing, I discovered porn on his phone. It destroyed me, then it destroyed our sex life completely. Imagine a strong, healthy 40 year old manly man that doesn’t and can’t get a morning erection. Sometimes not during the day or night. His porn addiction had taken over. He was not the man I married or lived with for 15 years. Fast forward 6 months and it seems to have progressed to gay porn and other questionable behavior he continued to deny. I’m so heartbroken, devastated, confused, and alone on this road. I’d love to email you if you ever need an understanding ear to listen or just to know we are not alone in this unfathomable situation. Lots of love and positive thoughts ❤️
Hi there, a few months ago I discovered my husband of 10 years had a profile on Adult Friend Finder. He set his profile as bi and had numerous messages with couples and men. He admitted to meeting w three women over a period of almost three years multiple times that were part of couples and met one man but just for coffee. He says he is not gay or attracted to men. After we married out sex life came to a stop with only occasional intimacy maybe a few times a year. I always initiated . He says he has difficult being close to people and while starting counselling it feels I will never know the truth. He is falling all over himself to be more affectionate and have sexy w me. We have two lovely little girls. I dont want to be married to a man that prefers men….
I’ve been searching for anyone in the same situation for a really long time. The comments above gave me chills. Does anyone who commented above still read these? Would love to talk.
Hi there it’s me coco I just signed my separation agreement w my husband today. More information came out and e continued to lie he said he is not an addict that he is bi then his reason was liking extreme sex then he was molested one summer and now his reason is being repeatedly raped for years. He is a gay man in denial. I am very sad for my family and I hope he can live an authentic life at some point.
Hello, I’ve been going through hell after finding my husbands collection we have been married 8 yrs and have 3 children. I’m fully broken he at first said he was gay for weeks told me a story but now I say I can’t be with him he’s changed and said he’s not gay and it was just the addiction!! Someone please help I’m in limbo!!
I want him gone but I don’t want that for my children
You can message me Colleen at ojc73@hotmail.com. Ok?!?
My experience sounds a like your stories. Last year I learned by husband was addicted to poronoghy and involved with a man and paying his bills. I am devastated, hurt, angry, confused, and heartbroken. In therapy he admitted being molestated as a child and thats what is driving this addiction. After 17 years of marriage he decides to tell me this. I had a deep suspicions about his sexuality with no concrete proof and of course he lied about his same sex attractions. I’m in therapy but I need a support group to help me through this. Thank you for sharing your stories, God bless us all!
After 30 years of marriage, I discovered my husband’s sex addiction. He was spending a lot of time in areas known for gay cruising. But he was also frequenting massage pallors and craigslist ads for women. I was shocked and the fear is overwhelming. After many months of trickle disclosures he admitted to one occasion of an aborted oral sex massage encounter with a “transsexual”. A little hard to believe. He swears he is telling the truth but has failed two polygraph tests. We have been in therapy with a CSAT and he is committed to his 12 step program. I also need a support group, is anyone in the San Diego area?
I’m not in your area, but in a similar situation in that my husband is a sex addict and has been active with both men and women. If you’d like to talk via email let me know.
Thisshouldcomewithamanual@hotmail.com
Hello Jane, I just found your reply to my post and I would love to communicate via email. Do you feel comfortable posting an email address I can contact you at? Thanks, Lin
Hello Jane! I do not monitor very often and missed your post, yes I would like to email! Do you have an email account you wouldn’t mind posting? Thanks, Lin
After 4 years of dealing with a sex addict, I am totally at a loss for words. He never leaves me and tells me he loves me, but then disappears for a night/weekend. Whenever I looked through his phone, he was hooking up with prostitutes, women, transwomen, anonymous craigslist encounters with men, transwomen, cross dressers, and couples. To top it all off, he then proceeded to have an affair with an actual woman, which apparently he intended to replace me with, or in his mind, she was just a friend he had sex with that he said, “I love you” and “Your so pretty” repeatedly. The thing that completely mind boggled and devastated me was his inability to perform regularly with me, his entire lack of desire for sex with me, and then his rare and occasional great sex, which was offered up on special occasions. I separated from him, and now he is spending time getting to know me but I do not have sex with him, despite occasional hand job, and he does not try to initiate, and I don’t want to initiate because I don’t trust him and I don’t want to have sex with someone with no desire to please me. I’m trying so hard to extricate myself from him, but we are soul mates in every other aspect.
Dear Fed up, i am so sorry for your pain as this is so devastating. My story is in the comments and if you want someone to chat with, let me know, sometimes just sharing what we have each learned about this horrible addiction helps, Lin