I’ll go out on a limb and say that a married man who visits prostitutes repeatedly is probably not the happiest kid in the sandbox. Although the wives of such men may feel the behavior reflects on their desirability, my experience tells me that such a pattern of behavior doesn’t have anything to do with the wife’s attractiveness. It says something about the man who, most often loves and feels committed to his partner.
Paying for sex on a regular basis is not the norm, even for single men. And it can be a sexually addictive behavior, in which case it has to do with the man’s emotional problems including his problems dealing with relationships.
Who are these men who pay for sex?
An article published earlier this year called What Kind of Men go to Prostitutes? reviewed some of the recent research and survey data on men who visit prostitutes. The studies indicate that between 1 and 3 percent of men in the U.S. have gone to a prostitute in any given year and about 14 % of men have paid for sex at some point in their lives.
The studies also indicate that men who hire prostitutes are only slightly more likely to be single than married. And furthermore they do not appear to differ much from the general population of men. The men’s reasons for having hired prostitutes were seen as predictable: wanting more sex, being unhappily married, being insecure about dating, wanting the excitement of risk, and wanting power and control.
An outcome study of men who attended a “John School”, a criminal diversion program for men who are arrested for paying for sex, reported that:
“Johns report a variety of reasons for why they purchase sex including the feeling that buying sex is an addiction. Interviews with “Johns” revealed that 83 percent of participants identified buying sex as an addiction (my italics) (Durchslag & Goswami, 2008). Additionally, research suggests that men who participate in the commercial sex industry often view women as commodities and feel a sense of entitlement to sex. Interviews revealed that men who did not have a regular sexual partner also legitimized purchasing sex (Monto, 2000).”
The Johns as a group also consisted of married and single men. Were all the married men paying for sex because they were unhappily married? This is unlikely, because Johns as a group are characterized as unhappier than other men. And besides, if they have problems with sexual behavior this could account for their unhappy marriage as much as the other way around.
Unfortunately there is not enough known about the demographics of the John population or the prevalence of psychological problems. These are still very much being debated.
Paying for sex and sex addiction
I feel on firmer ground talking about the kinds of relationship dynamics that are commonly seen in men who show up for sex addiction treatment where paying for sex is one of their compulsive behaviors.
As with sex addicts in general, men who visit prostitutes most often have other sexually addictive behaviors. These can include compulsive porn use, cybersex, strip clubs, and sometimes offending behaviors like exhibitionism and others. Going to prostitutes is thus part of an pattern of sexually addictive acting out behaviors.
The fantasy element in sexually addictive behavior
Whatever the specific behavior, sexual acting out is always largely a fantasy. It takes place outside of the person’s “real life” and it functions as a drug. While engaging in the sexually addictive behavior, the addict escapes whatever is painful and achieves a totally gratifying experience on his own terms. This implies that the man has issues that he cannot resolve, or issues he would rather escape than allow his adult self to face head-on.
The avoidance of intimacy in sexually addictive behavior
Paying for sex is exactly the same as any other sexually compulsive behavior in that it is part of a pattern of intimacy avoidance. What is the addict escaping from when he is avoiding intimacy with a partner? It is not that the prostitute has so much more to offer than the spouse.
The sex addict experiences intimate bonds as frightening and overwhelming. Being with a prostitute is safe, limited and controlled interaction. The addict can relax and feel safe from the dangers of getting hurt, abandoned, rejected or feeling inadequate. The sex addict feels unlovable and insecure and meets his needs for sexual abandon in a contrived, compartmentalized way.
Sex addicts feel bad about their addictive behavior afterward but they continue to do it. If a man who is not an addict visits a prostitute he may feel many things but he will not be driven to repeat the experience.
Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource
36 Comments
Your post is very accurate. I recognize myself. I’m a John who finally got “on the wagon” and stopped this compulsive behavior and I know why I did it, though for long I did not. It is indeed a drug, an addiction. And the reason I did it is the same one that I have watched drive other men around me to other drugs: stress, stress, stress and more stress. Life is stressful for most people and more so for men than for many women. I am a successful professional in a highly demanding job with long hours, pressure, deadlines, an asshole boss (a woman, but she’s as big an asshole as any male boss, forget any “women are more nurturing” crap), demanding clients, a wife who has a whole raft of issues, not just her, but her family too and I have to financially support not only her, but many of relatives too. And I do it because I’m not a coward, I do not shirk work or financial responsibility or turn my back on my family or those in need. I love my wife and I would literally, willingly take a bullet and lose my life to saver hers. I live under permanent, high stress. I do not complain about it, because 1. I’m a man and complaining is not my job and 2. I don’t think it’s personal, every guy I know has tons of stress too for much the same reasons.
I seem normal to people who meet me, in fact I seem to totally have my shit together and I’m highly respected in my work. So, why am I one of that 14% who paid for it? Here’s the answer, because sex is the escape from this pressure cooker that is the normal work life of most men, especially accomplished ones. Every man I know who has amounted to anything whom I have ever met in my work life (this number is in the thousands) has a vice to self-medicate for all the stress and shit they carry on their shoulders. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Here’s the menu: alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, cocaine, marijuana, sex, porn, and a whole list of hard drugs for the ones who’re most extreme. Guess what? I’ve never done ANY illegal drugs EVER, but lots of my colleagues have – even had a boss for a while who was a major coke-head (advice, get the hell out of there, as I did, if you have a junkie boss because there is NO reasoning with a junkie), so no cocaine, marijuana, etc. I don’t smoke or consume any nicotine. I’m not a boozer, drink very little – 2 beers in the same week is a bender for me. I have a thing for coffee – so I do caffeine. When you just flew 18 hours to get to China and you have to perform the next day in negotiation meetings with tough businessmen on their home turf and you’re jetlagged and exhausted – see if you don’t abuse caffeine!!
So, when I get sex or porn, I get an escape, I step off the battlefield for an hour into serenity, calm, bliss and pleasure. And after that, I put on my mental armor and my game face and turn back to a tough, competitive world that doesn’t give a shit about me and where many people would love to see me fail and I go right on being a man and living up to my responsibilities, supporting the people who depend on me, delivering what’s expected of me.
So, why don’t I just get all that from my wife? Well I used to, for many years. But, guess what? My stress went up and my dose I was getting of what I need to deal with it went down. I’m a middle-aged guy and my wife’s been having sex with me for 23 years. Can you really expect her to want it all that often still? Come on, that’s not the real world. I’m a manly man, I’d love to have sex with her at least 3 times a week. Once is enough for her. I got tired of asking over and over again and realized once a week is about as good as it gets and when I travel that might drop to once in 3 weeks. Not enough – if it’s not this, I’ll be boozing or doing drugs. Actually at one point I realized my alcohol consumption was rising, yup – too little sex, fixed that and the boozing stopped.
So, I go to hookers and it’s my drug, my “cocaine”, that keeps me from falling apart. And they are way cheaper than my wife and the sex is often way better (not always, sometimes its terrible). My wife and her family costs me about $6000-7000 a month to support. She has a great life, teaches a bit, low pressure. She sleeps with me about 4 times a month. That’s about $1500 a time. And it’s a single-shot deal. When I travel overseas, plenty of places where a beautiful woman would spend the night with me for $250-300, multiple orgasms. Either way I’m paying for it and frankly owning is a lot more stressful and costly than renting. Not to mention monotonous. Oh, but your wife loves you, you say. Yes, sort of. I wonder how much she would if I cam home saying that’s it I’m not doing this any more, not going to bring in the money and support everyone. Knowing what I know now, I’d probably have stayed single. If I had to get married, I would still have picked the same woman to marry. I really don’t think there’s someone better out there I would be happier with.
People reading this will judge me. Go ahead, but I’ll analyze your life and see what your drug is – I haven’t found one person yet who doesn’t have one. Mine is sex and a lot of the others seem even more destructive.
It’s not meant to be pretty, but it is the truth.
Oh, I got on the wagon through sheer damn willpower. But, there’s always another drug – so I do more porn instead of actually sex with hookers. It’s marginally less harmful.
Great post Mike. My men’s group are reading “Man Enough: Fathers, Sons and the Search for Masculinity” by Frank Pittman MD. It might interest you. Let me know if you’d be interested in using your comment as a guest post on my PsychCentral.com blog column. Thanks for noticing my website. Be well, Linda
Linda@montecitonet.com
Why don’t you go home and tell your wife what you’ve been doing instead of trying to justify your behaviors online to make yourself feel better. Have you ever stopped to think about how much this would hurt her.
My world came crashing down a month ago when I found out that my husband was living the same lie you are. I can tell you this… we have sex almost everyday and I have opened myself up to anything could ever want or need in the bedroom. I’ve never turned him down. So explain to me why he’s seeing escorts.
We were what I thought was a happy couple. We rarely disagree about anything. I never imagined he would ever do anything like this.
I will tell you like I told him. No woman is having sex for money because she wants to. Most of these women have things that have lead them to this lifestyle. If you don’t believe me just ask them. The escorts I’ve talked to that’s he’s seen have all said things that lead me to believe that they are doing this type of work because “it’s the only thing they are good at” or because they were “sexually abused as a child”.
Linda can you please contact me I have a few questions for you if you don’t mind helping me.
Mebsweetncrazy2@gmail.com
I’m most certainly not going to go home and tell my wife. That would be an irrational act. I might be a nasty piece of work, but I’m not a stupid one. Yes, I’ve given thought to the hurt it would cause. That’s another reason I won’t tell her. Any guilt I feel is mine and I suck it up and I’ll take it with me to my grave. There’s a chance I’m a borderline high-functioning sociopath, but analytically I know the pain it would cause and that’s one reason why I finally stopped. Now I have to stay on the wagon.
You ask why your husband went to a prostitute/s – of course I don’t know your husband’s particular reason, only he does, but I’ll give you this piece of insight as someone who did this: it’s almost certainly due to his own internal issues and old, deep traumas and probably nothing to do with you, especially given your description of your sex life together.
Here’s another thing you will likely find weird. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He probably does, deeply. And feels self-loathing that his love for you doesn’t stop him doing this. Men compartmentalize more. Sex and love can exist in different compartments. I’ve had sex with many women, but only been in love with 3 in a lifetime and only 1 very deeply – my wife. Different compartments, plus something screwed up in my wiring. I’ve never been interested in a love-driven “affair” on the side. There are men who do that (lots, and plenty of women too) but they never go to a prostitute. Which one is worse? Debatable to the end of time.
Why do some of us have these appetites? This is less harmful to society than a serial killer’s appetite to kill, but fundamentally there is a hunger that a certain act satisfies, same as the hunger for food that eating satisfies. It’s unacceptable to society, but that is what drives the commitment of the act – a hunger, an appetite.
And people are complex – don’t think that because your husband did this bad thing that the good that you have always seen in him went away. It’s still there, it’s not fake, it just that both exist within the same person.
I’ve done this and other bad things, but many years ago I was for 4 years a medical worker in a civil war tending civilian casualties – hundreds of people are alive today because I saved them when they were severely injured, at great personal risk. I did something good. I’ve also done plenty that’s bad. Most people have once they rack up enough years. People are complex and good and bad is mixed in all, just to different degrees.
I’m sorry for your pain. Just know that you’re probably not the reason your husband did this. He’s got damage you can’t see and he’s not evil and he probably loves you as much as he said. The psychiatrists are right. It’s not due to you.
Hello Mike,
Thank you very much for your insight.
I am a 40 year old woman, happily married for 8 years and together for 15 (sorry for my english, not native language) who has just discovered her husband goes regularly to escorts.
I have asked him to explain it to me, so i can understand, and i believe him when he says he loves me deeply and this behavior has nothing to do with me or with our couple.
I though it was a one time thing, but he has explained he has been doing this for as long as 20 years (before we knew each other) regularly.
My husband is a great person, will do anything for me, or anyone else, has a very stressful job, had a difficult childhood.
I’m not trying to excuse him but i try to understand, in the hope that our couple can survive and adapt to this situation.
That’s why i thank you for sharing your experience, i believe stress can make us seek a way to decompress, one way or another. I also have a feeling for him payed sex is “safer”, he won’t get hurt, etc.
I rather prefer him going to escorts than telling me he has an affair, if you see what i mean.
Ok, so now i come to the part where i seek advice, he says he will try his best to stop, i want to believe him and give him a chance but is it really possible without external help when it’s been going on for so long?
And am i asking for too much ?
I would prefer to say we have an amazing sex life, but as the stress in his job went up, our sexual life went down, on his side, his sexual drive with me disapeared. I try and try but he always says no. To a point where i have started to feel like his sister more than his wife.
I don’t want to sound cliché, but we are in 2016, we women have to open our eyes ( ironically, i was living in fairyland until now, thinking men are faithful, bla, bla, bla), our life is otherwise perfect, we understand each other, have the same views, really, nothing to be unhappy about, but i would like to “have my husband back” you know?
I also have made him understand that i have needs too, and no intention to start something on the side.
Is it possible, when you have been having this behavior regularly for the last two decades to stop?
Is it possible for him to be attracted to me again? I know perfectly well that a 20 year old escort doesn’t look like a 40 year old woman and there’s just so much i can do about it.
Thanks in advance for your feed back.
Maria
Hi Maria,
My opinion is he is not likely to be able to quit withou getting specialized help (see http://www.sexhelp.com) and he is not going to follow through with treatment unless you force him to by letting him know you will leave if he does not. And you have to mean what you say. In my professional experience, the spouse has the power.
Linda Hatch
Maria,
Have you asked yourself why/how he has no sexual appetite for you at all but he does for prostitutes? Women dont need to open their eyes to anything. Men need to learn to keep their junk in their pants and their filthy eyes off woman on the internet.
I feel your heartache and pain. I am in the same boat. 😟
@melissa
Yeesh, with an attitude like that I’m wondering if it’s you that has the issues. It sounds like you are projecting, and if you are like this with your husband… I’m not surprised. People make mistakes and they’re not perfect. As Mike said above, people are complex and you cannot fault someone for being who they are.
Im an escort. Dont mind that guy. He already admitted to being a sociopath. And that’s exactly what men are. They profess to be good, to love. Who knows maybe they believe their own lies. But deep down they are selfish sex addicted sociopaths of different degrees. I came from an abusive family, have ptsd. I began escorting as a way to avoid sitting at home on disability. Nowadays i do it for the fun easy money. Im proud of my above average looks and my ability to manipulate these assholes. In the end money is the only thing theyre good for. Use them. Make them believe whatever you want. Make them go crazy over you and suck their bank accounts dry. They deserve it. Men see women as sex portals. They aren’t loyal. They don’t love. They manipulate and play victim. Maleness is a disease.
God bless you. My husband uses women like you. You deserve every penny.
I am sorry. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You deserve better for yourself but I understand your position.
These sociopaths are the worst to deal with. But then again it’s never them with the problem always you, someone else, me, them anyone. And then there’s their stress level. Let’s call a spade a spade they have testosterone and like to f— women, control every aspect of the call and walk away from the damage back to their lives.
I’m sorry my husband is doing this to you.
Putadelujo thank you for weighing in. I am just figuring this out on the wife side. Its been my personal nightmare forever because of what it implies of the treatment of women. I am tortured by the idea that women are forced into to prostitution.
I told my husband – “asshole – no one is a prostitute because they choose to be – they are in a bad situation or trafficked or on drugs.. you taking advantage of them is immoral (at best) and is a form of violence against women. I think he is a sociopath.
Do you agree? My husband was SHOCKED when I told him and almost had a heart attack. They are led to believe, through the onboard of porn, that its perfectly acceptable that they have secret sex, and it makes them a man.
Me too! I am also an escort and i was forced into it very young. I dont feel there is much else I can offer the world. 99 percent of my clients are married. Just the way the world works. Id rather be the escort than the wife any day.
Why buy the pig when all you gets a little sausage!
I feel you man. I was married 10 years before I saw an eacort. It was stress. 3 things happened; my business was about to fold from an accountant embezzaling, father in the late stages of dimentia, and my brother on the streets on meth after being clean for 15 years. I couldn’t take it.
You struck the nail on the head, or strummed the right chord, or whatever. I could leave my wife and ruin my kids life and I myself might be a bit happier. But I choose my wife and children to have a better life, while mine may be a bit less happier. Or I am just rationalizing it my own way.
Everyday, many ,many times we make decisions. And by the way a decision is a choice I make on purpose –it’s not an accidental happening. From what to wear to what to eat. We sometimes barely even give a thought to what we are doing as a lot of what we do is a repeat of the previous day. And if I decide I want to to eat 10 donuts for breakfast that is my choice–it affects no one but me. BUT . The minute I make a decision that is going to affect someone else I stop. And THINK!!! You know use my brain. And if I am making a decision that will have a negative affect on someone else—especially if I “love” this person. I STOP MYSELF. I have no right–and nor does anyone–to deliberately participate in any type of activity that affects someone else’s life. If you want to continue with your decision and take action on your thoughts then you must end the relationship with the person you are going to betray. If you don’t that makes you a lying, cheating, backstabbing, hypocrite. You are a person who has no problem being intentionally mean to others. And you do not ever deserve to ever be in any type of relationship with anyone– even your own children because you don’t have any moral fortitude.
So, this reply is for Mike or for everyone. I appreciate the statement of your saying that you might be a high functioning sociopath. I married young. I was hot. Attracted the wrong type I guess. He was controlling when we dated. But in my own dysfunctioning emotionality, I wanted that feeling of safety.
In reading the article, too, it was helpful for me to consider how men who hire prostitutes probably think of women as commodities.
My husband and I had a hard relationship. He just never wanted to emotionally open himself to me.
We came from different backgrounds. My parents were very loving. His were not.
Before I was violently raped in 2006, I was coquettesh enough for him to draw him out. A little bit. We had kids on accident and he was a great father. Very emotionally expressive with the kids at least.
As a traditionalist, that was enough for me. To carry on my cinderella story and be a good christian woman and live the life I thought was slated for me, that was good enough for me. Even though I could never really break through his shell.
I would be jealous because he could open up with guys. He had a fantasy football hobby/addiction, and lived all his emotional expression through that, with his friends who he was engaged in with that.
Women were sort of second class to him, I would feel like I was not worthy of his time. At least that’s how his nonverbal cues of refusing to acknowledge my presence in the household made me feel. For him the power went both ways, if he never gave it to me, he was in charge. He was also in charge, so he thought, that Icould never hurt his deepest most safest self by never offering me a window into that world.
I got raped right before the market crash. Our esteem as a respectable family fell apart all simultaneously. He lost his position as a high level accountant….. struggled to keep jobs as a financial recruiter…..
It was hard for me to get over the rape, especially since he was home at the time I was kidnapped and he did not come out fast enough to save me. Maybe he had hired a hit on me or something. It was during football season, after all. That guy tortured several ladies in the same night. I always wondered if someone had ordered a hit on me but save the man admitting it, it’s unprovable.
The other thing that screwed me up from the rape is that my husband, in his controllingness, did not let us move out of the neighborhood where the sensational, had even been on the evening news act occurred. I was the new neighborhood whore. The next August I got to walk my child into kindergarten and present my neighborhood whore self to the neighborhood school.
I fought to keep my coquetteish with him, which was our only connection, mostly, by convincing myself I was still beautiful by seeking jobs teaching zumba.
Over the years I stopped doing that and became a staunch feminist. Even taking kung fu. I became very confrontative with him about our life choices. Why did he still need to be in charge.
I took him to marital counseling over Fanduel and Draftkings. the counselor said she could not make him change if he was unwilling.
I was just tired of working so hard at my regular job, my family, everything, to still be receiving the cold shoulder from him.
I filed for divorce. Iwanted to see if he would finally consider changing if he thought he would lose his family. Nope. And then my children freaked out.
I came from a loving home, remember, and the instinctual pull for me to relive that experience is strong. I will not hurt my children like this I said.
I dropped the divorce against him but continued to quip about how I really felt about his football habits on facebook.
Those quips were funny to me. Funny to a powerless woman like myself, who gave 16 years of her life to this man who can’t give back. Like the people here who cheat say that they needed a release and couldn’t help it, so did I.
My husband, incapable of being anything but his damaged self regardless, was hurt by my facebook quips.
At least so I think right now. He began cheating on me suppposedly some time around then.
BUt maybe he’s been cheating on me all along. I always told him the way he shut me out and let all the tv in was like cheating on me.
Maybe he hired the guy to come rough me up in December 2006 and the sheer terror in his voice on hte police tape is him realizing that person was out of control, could have killed me and he be charged for murder.
I don’t really know what my husband wanted with me now or ever.
He admitted to me today that the women he cheated with have big boobs.
I figure he married a small breasted woman like myself in hopes that he could be in charge of me and to decrease the likelihood of others messing with his property.
I can’t believe I’ve let myself be his joke for all these years. Blind to the reality while I struggled to eek out my childhood dream of a traditional family.
It’s very comforting, Mike, to hear you admit you might be a sociopath because for 16 years my husband knew he was hurting me by never opening up to me and knowing that wasn’t enough for him to change.
I am the fool here, for having married him young, attracting him at church with my short skirts and never giving thought to why would I want a guy at church who would go after the one girl wearing the short skirts.
I was too young to even reflect on that. And I let him father my children. And he picked up my children in his vehicle where the prostitutes had sat.
And everything else. 16 years me just trying to get him to open up.
I married a damaged man and mistakenly thought my engagingness could draw him out.
What a mistake.
I am I woman who supports a family of six – including a parasite of an ex-husband. I make $200k on average per year and he only – just recently- makes $60k. So the courts treated me like the man and now I’m paying him spousal support & child support. My only “drug” is work, because I have to support everybody. You “high powered” men who claim you need sex as an “escape” are pathetic. I support everyone because I have to. The fear of failure is all the motivation or “vices” I need. Grow up.
Superb response and a fantastic expression of logic and opinion!
Hey mike I’d love to pick your brain, if your interested email me. No judgements here you sound just like my husband except he doesn’t know that I know and have for years. Maybe you could give me a better understanding. Thanks my email is shanwowwow@gmail.com
My husband, who I have been with for 10 years (we have 2 kids), was just arrested for soliciting an undercover officer posing as a prostitute online. He has told me he has been using prostitutes for the last 2 years, since he quit drinking. I believe he just replaced his vice of drinking with sex. He quit drinking after an OWI conviction and at that time I requested he stop using alcohol.
I plan on staying with my husband, I love him and I know he loves me and we have a good relationship.
He says he’s going to stop using prostitutes, but I worry he’ll struggle and find another vice to meet his needs.
I wish there was a way for me to help him, it hurts me to see him use maladaptive coping skills, because I truly want him to be happy with his life.
My husband of 10 years, with two children, was arrested for soliciting an undercover officer a few days ago. My husband sounds very much like you.
We’ve been talking this through as a couple since he was released from jail and he admits he was never planning to tell me for fear of divorce and losing the kids. He has been soliciting prostitutes from an online site for 2 years. He started using sex as a vice after giving up drinking due to a driving under the influence arrest.
I’m not leaving him. I love him and I know he loves me and we have a good relationship. I worry because he says he’s going to stop having sex with prostitutes, but I fear he’ll adopt another vice to meet his needs.
What is working for your stress relief now that your on the wagon?
Fuck, Mike that was a painful read for me, as I just found out my beautiful, smart, sexy husband has been frequenting hookers. We’ve been married a little over over two years. It’s our second marriage. I think this activity has been going on for many years, with his previous marriage, too. Your statements definitely sum up what I think has been going on here. He says he’s going to stop this but, frankly, this stress you speak of isn’t going to get any better. He has many vices; porn; alcohol, which seems resonable to me; temper tantrums; chewing tobacco (why a college engineer graduate chews is beyond me) pot, not bad for a recreational weekend; prescription drugs (that’s my vice, I get that), caffeine, I get that too, and apparently an old hidden favorite; young prostitutes. This new vice of his I am l arming of, may make my vice increase, a lot. Just saying. For the record we try to have sex every night. I enjoy him very, very much. Unfortunately, with this new information regarding his newest (to me) vice, I have absolutely no desire to even kiss him. Kissing him was a favorite activity of mine. I find him absolutely irresistible. But not right now. I am sick to my stomach. I have no appetite. I have constant diarrhea. I feel his delicious, soft skin and I think and wonder what woman has complimented him on this too? I see his naked body and realize this little treasure I once had is tainted and dirty.
Mind you, I am not being outright mean to him. I am speaking to him. Yes, I threw many things at him. Took down all our pictures of us together as I feel this relationship is a complete sham. But I am still pleasant and nice to him. I’d actually really, really like to make love to him and do special things that I really enjoyed doing for him. But I look at that beautiful cock and realize where it’s been and it repulses me.
I hope your wife NEVER finds out about what you’ve been doing to passify your stress level. You sound like a really nice person and by the sounds of it you have a wonderful life. My husband has the same life. A life full of privilege, wealth, golf clubs, good looks, fast car, loving wive, dinner on the table every night, on plates that came out of a hot oven and linen napkins; travel; vacations and kids that love him. Unlike you, he was having sex at least 5 times a week with much oral sex. He, like you, I’m sure, also has a very beautiful, sophisticated, smart, in-shape wife, who he loves to have on his arm and dote on socially and treats like a princess. Unfortunately, he has stress too, like you. A high powered job; bills; retirement thoughts at some point; bp issues; childhood drama; household duties; a pain in the ass job; loss of control over employees he has to rein in; lack of exercise; a wife who talks his ear off; ex-wife stressors; alimony; stocks that didn’t go right; traffic laws and numerous stressors I can’t even imagine or want to imagine like the wrong alternator being put on his high performance, expensive sports car. But these stressors are not going to go away, in fact many of them will get worse and new stressors will come.
I may have my own coping mechanisms, as you said we all do, but I am not narcissistic enough to foolishly think I, the little blonde wife, am going to keep him from his secret women. So what is your recommendation? More caffeine for me? More Norco? More soma? More Xanax? Perhaps more wine? A little more sativa (pot)? Some shopping? I have a lot of stress. Perhaps, there is a good firm cock out there for me, so I too can wind down a bit? Is this what you would recommend? Would you like to visualize your wife in her best corset sucking a 30 year old, toned, muscle ripped man from the gym? What about her stilettoed, stocking legs spread fingering her clit? Maybe him licking that wet box of your wive’s? After all she has stress. I have stress.
When you and my husband have the stressor of cancer, dementia or god forbid, a life altering injury, who is going to be there? Who is going to be there holding your depends diaper in the end? Where will that washed up little girl, yes, she’s someone’s precious daughter (you are renting another human being) be? Guess what? You, my husband, all the others out there, nobody cares about her in the end. She’s a slab of meat. I can’t be angry or hurt by her. She’s a student, a single mom, a drug addict and in those foreign countries, you both have frequented, she a product of human sex trafficking.
So what do we all do Mike? What are we all to do about all these stressors? I wish you had the magic answer.
PS I seriously commend you for your honesty and self reflection to stop this. And I respect that you truly do love your wife. You’ve renewed a fraction of my hope in mankind.
150% on point with every word written.Just wow!!! I am impressed beyond words this coming from a wife of an everything addict ..will be sharing this with him .I commend you for standing tall fearless and point blank ..wish you all the best in ur recovery efforts .it’s a bitch
Dude, have you ever heard of mediation and yoga for stress? Seriously? You seek out prostitutes for stress management? This is a load of crap. You are part of a huge problem-worldwide sex trade where children are exploited to help relieve your stress? Wow, the lengths men will go to for justification of their sick behavior that is literally ruining the lives of others.
Thank you Linda for posting this article. Reading this has helped me to better understand my husband, who struggles with addiction, sex with prostitutes being his most recent vice.
He has been in therapy for alcohol abuse previously and has been sober for about 3 years. He began using prostitutes about 2 years ago. I only learned of his sex addiction after he was arrested for soliciting. We plan on attending marriage counseling, but I question if it would be more helpful to seek individual counseling since his use of prostitutes is not related to our relationship?
Most of the Real Good old fashioned women Certainly Did put these women today to Real Shame. That is for sure.
Most old “real good old fashion woman” as you put it had the same problems we do today. They just kept it a secrect. Or knew and didn’t confront their husbands because they got what they needed out of their relationships. Affairs, cheating and prostitution have existed as long as the monogamous relationship have. Our female predecessors put self preservation and a comfortable life for their family over their own happiness. I would bet that the commenter Mike’s wife probably knows something is going on, but made the conscious decision not to probe. After all ignorance is bliss. If she isn’t aware, she’s not paying attention and that’s a problem all by it’s self.
As a women with a husband involved in the hobby I can tell you that the men are not the only ones who live double lives. We keep our secrect out of love for our partner. Prostitution is so taboo along with swinging and other alternative relationship models. When done responsibly with free willed consenting adults, it’s really no worse then liking to drink. My husband and I have a unique situation in that we discuss his exploits, not in gritty detail, but I am fully aware of every session down to who the provider is and when and where it’s taking place. The only way we’d have a problem is if the honesty is breached. Trusting me with this information is a huge deal. With today’s technology it would be extremely easy to ruin someone’s entire life when they have this kind of hobby. I’m not nieve, I know it’s more compulsion then hobby. I can’t help but sympathize with that. He is broken somewhere down deep and I hope he mends. Until then, I stand by him. You don’t just leave the people you love because they are imperfect. People in glass houses and all that. I might be enabling him…but from what I can see he’s happy and won’t change until he wants to. It’s the same with any kind of addiction. All I can say is we both get what we need from the relationship. I am genuinely loved and supported. The moment I feel I’m getting less than, we re-evaluate our situation. We all have vices, I know I do.
You started out with an intelligent response and then continued into admitting youre just another doormat stepford wife. Most women are so emotionally weak, emotionally dependant and downright stupid. Im not. That’s why i became an escort years ago and prefer a life of independence and big money and not being an idiot with her head in the sand. Addiction? That’s just an excuse. And even IF it was an addiction, which its not, its still not good to stay and it makes YOU a CODEPENDANT. a codependant is an enabler with low self-esteem. You’re not alone. Most women are just as pathetic as you. and no, if a man is willing to lose you over some strange pussy he dooes NOT love you. Wake up princess. Life isn’t a fairy tale.
Thanks for that. Two months from getting married after a 20-year committed relationship I find out my significant other has a thing for Korean prostitutes. Head still reeling but he is out the door and though I love him dearly I will have to learn to do without it. That’s not the life for me. He says he will quit he will cut it off rather than visiting another one but you cannot trust a betraying deceitful liar. At least I can’t. Sociopath? I call that self-absorption and narcissism. It’s a choice.
What do you do if you find out your father frequents escorts? I just found out today. I haven’t told anyone and my mother has no idea. I know it will make me sick to my stomach if I’m in the same room as her every day withholding this information. I’d appreciate some advice.
Whatever you do, don’t fall into the BS that “the truth” is always required. I lied to my father on his death bed that we wouldn’t sell his house. We had to. Sure I should have made his last minutes on Earth an absolute agony for him just so I could feel better.
People who live by absolutes that “the truth” must be told, rules can never be broken, that marriages (there are many kinds) need “love” (again, several kinds, not just hollywood) live in a world of pain.
Be honest. Tell your fat, unattractive friend with acne that a ripped hunk will ignore all the bimbos and sweep her off her feet as he touches her soul with his eyes. It will never happen. She will probably end up with a fat acne’d guy like her. Do it. Don’t let her enjoy a few years of blissful delusion.
You are disgusted because you live in a perfect fairy world where all the things your father did for you, the sacrifices he made, the ongoing devotion to your mother are swept aside because he sticks his dick in a different vagina for 10 minutes, knowing that it has all the emotional complexity of eating a hamburger.
Sure tell your mother and destroy her life for the sake of honesty. You’ll feel great for 10 seconds as you are unburdened and then watch the horror as your mother’s world implodes.
Sure, have the expectation that you “can’t live a lie”. WTF does that even mean? It’s just absolutist garbage in a world that RUNS on relativities. He’s no saint. But he’s no monster either. If he was you would have known well before now.
Plus you have no idea what is really going on. Mom may know or not care or just chooses to not know. And guess what? It seems to be working perfectly well it seems.
No doubt you will be able to live with the end of your parent’s marriage and the ongoing pain involved, the separate houses and impact on relatives (I mean really, why not TELL THE WORLD and write a letter to the paper). I mean, the truth can’t hurt you right?
Please tell me when you find a perfect world and a perfect marriage.
If you dug under the lid, ALL of them are imperfect in many ways. It’s just that we don’t bother to ask, maybe because we are afraid of what we’d find.
What sanctimonious rubbish. We have all been suckered into the hollywood fantasy of couples staring into each other’s eyes and generating endless orgasms despite bodies that look ready for mummification. I know, the feminists have convinced us that sex is all in the mind, anyone who seeks anything outside the sacred bond of marriage is a pervert and that women, NEVER, play any kind of game inside or outside marriages, With the the rise of DNA testing we know that levels of female infidelity are shocking, But these women aren’t deviants like johns of course. Nor is the gold digging trophy wife a deviant when she pushes out a kid to guarantee the divorce payout. Men may pay hookers but women only need some lubrication and pretend moans and it’s a pay check for life. Look people, just grow up. Life is practical and historically was just a struggle to survive. We have set up generations of men and women who won’t accept anything but a hollywood perfection that generally lasts 2 years while the sex is interesting. Most cultures don’t pretend to have 2 people living in each other’s face for 50 years and expecting the honeymoon to last forever. At best the family is a survival unit and the ultimate is where you can actually JUST GET ALONG as friends with some trust on finance. And as for this sex addiction thing- what a lot of rubbish. As soon as you step into the 1% it must be an addiction. I wonder if athletes or dedicated scientists have an addiction? Do people who set world records in any domain? Jeez. People differ and so long as people can maintain the functionality of their lives in a practical sense- what is the problem? The guy who fucked the hooker was the “perfect man” 5 minutes ago but now you “really know what he is like”. How? This junk about sex trade exploitation has little to do with the reality of commercial sex. Millions of women are perfectly comfortable with prostitution in all its forms- from blow jobs for friends who help with the grocery bills to promiscuous groupies who marry rock and sport stars to professional trophy wives. Plenty of marriages have “love” evaporate when the paycheck disappears. Is that not whoring?
What a simplistic, feminist driven guilt trip.
Hooker user here. I’d like to say a few things.
1. I love my girl a lot. We’ve been together for 8 years.
2. I need some loving. Sex is fun and I like it, a lot.
3. My girlfriend is a clusterfuck of issues. Given her traumatic childhood sexual past, it can make sex with her an exhausting minefield. It’s hard to relax and just enjoy the sex if you’re constantly making sure your partner isn’t having a crippling PTSD attack, or starts a flashback partway through that results in a broken nose for you, again.
4. Escorts will do the things she can’t, and I don’t mean she’s prudish; she’s fat and clumsy. I always have to be on top, always have to be in charge, etc… I look like a strong hardcore guy, but I actually really just want a beautiful woman to make love to me. I want a blowjob that doesn’t involve teeth and jaw pain. I want to be ridden until I pass out. I want to be taken care of by my partner for once. I want to get my brains fucked out without having to worry about needing to be there to bring my LTR out of a massive panic attack. I want to be able to enjoy the after sex without having to constantly look out for my partner’s emotional state.
5. I’m not completely monogamous — the thought of just one partner for the rest of my life makes me wish i’d taken a bullet back in Ukraine.
6. I have issues of my own. I used to drink, regularly and heavily, but not to excess — quit at her urging. I have several PTSD symptoms. I’m possibly just a bit Aspergers. And I work long hours in customer service despite not being a people person. I can never relax. At work, I have to be mister smiley mc nicenice. At home, I have to take care of things. In bed, I have to always be looking out for her. I’m perpetually stressed yet bored. I hate this life — I fought in Donbass and that was the happiest I’ve ever been; here, everything is so safe, boring, predictable, and pointless. There, I could actually be myself and have like-minded company. Here, I have to be a smiley, spineless hipster faggot or else people start complaining to the boss that I’m scary and mean. I’m constantly under pressure and constantly feel like killing damn near everyone, and it is not a good thing that I racked up a small body count in Ukraine.
7. Sex is nowhere near frequent enough at home — twice a month; she can’t take any more than that and I know it would really be a terrible idea to even ask for more, because the stupid girl doesn’t know the difference between a request and a demand, so she’d probably give it to me but feel violated the whole time. I let her initiate because whether or not it’s okay changes by the second, sometimes literally.
8. Escorts are attractive. I’m not blind; I like sexy women. I could never have most of the girls whose time I buy, As a teenager, I never even had a single date — I grew up short and ugly, with girls decidedly not liking me. Ever since then, I’ve felt always slightly unworthy and unloveable, as if I’m less of man because all I could ever get on my own was the world’s neediest land whale. I’m a visual person; I can’t just decide to be attracted to a personality or whatever, as much as I hate that.
9. Sex with hookers is fun. I feel pleasure. I feel relief. i feel happy. I feel like a man. I finally get some kind of gratification of my own after nothing but nonstop burdens and demands from everyone and everything else. With them, I can come alive in ways I can’t with anyone else, especially my girl. Something finally is about me and I just bask in it.For but a single hour, I can actually acknowledge that i have needs that can’t just be dealt with by crushing them under mountains of denial.
10. Safe emotional intimacy. I can snuggle, chat, and confess with my escorts. I don’t have to worry about pissing them off or scandalizing them or boring them or being a boor. Before, during, and after the act, they can hold me. Some of them will even kiss me. I can fondle and caress them without triggering multihour freakouts. I can vent with them. I can even be frisky with them. They are the only chance I get to be myself and enjoy anything.
11. My time with them rejuvenates me. Every time I swear if I have to squeeze my soul for another drop of kindness that I’m going to ram my old fighting knife through somebody’s eyeball, I visit an escort and it all becomes so much better. Doing this is what makes me happy enough to cope with everything else.
I hope this explains some things, though I fully expect to be lambasted and that you won’t understand.
Hey Aleks, no pitchforks or torches here. I’m deeply grateful for the candid and brutal honesty offered here. I’ve been in a relationship for the past year with a monger or hobbyist and I had a myriad of issues relating to the blow to my self esteem. It eventually culminated in him breaking off the relationship on New Years Eve and telling me he needs space to figure things out. He went out a couple of nights before New years and says he woke up in a strangers house with coke laid out on the table (I checked his story out and yes, he did wake up in a strangers house. I was positive it was a girl who’s been pursuing him but I was wrong) and that he needed to get his life together, this was his wake up call, I guess. The thing is, that isn’t a new occurrence so I’m guessing something else much more distressing happened…..he woke up in bed with the man or multiple people, who knows. All I know is that after months of adjusting to an open relationship (My idea) and the doubts and pain, he fucking dumped me. I’m crushed but so glad I found this page because as soon as he flew out of town (he works in CA), he immediately started the shopping process for a hooker and I was devastated. While he was home, he would only have sex with me if he was drunk or high and I cannot compete with these women. I’m a MILF at 44 and my beau’s have always been younger because of it (he’s 36, my last husband was 27) lol, but I have no plastic surgery enhancements and it’s not a priority right now. These women he’s hiring are 22 to 28 years old and flawless. I took it very personally and internalized it but reading some of your post, I embrace that maybe it has nothing to do with me. Thank you for that. I hope you find peace and I’m sorry you had to suffer what you have.
For chrissakes leave your girlfriend already you miserable ….. You’re unhappy and you don’t have to be and she’s probably leading an unbearable life with you too. Do yourself a favor and break up already. You call her land whale. All that emotional trauma she has and she’s got to worry about her boyfriend calling her names. You sound abusive so just be a big boy and leave her alone you whiny bitch. There’s no reason why you have to stay with her.
You are what is wrong with the world. A selfish idiot that only cares about his dick. Try yoga and meditation to take your focus off your disgusting genitals for once. Ick. No one “needs” sex everyday. No one even “needs” sex once a month. It’s all in your dumb head. You are an addict seek help, you are harming other people.