I am returning to this topic because it is one that comes up repeatedly in sex addiction counseling. Masturbation to pornographic images or fantasies is not necessarily an unhealthy thing on its own. But for sex addicts the uncontrollable acting out of particular sexual fantasies and the act of masturbating while having specific sexual fantasies are very similar processes.
If the addict’s preferred acting out behavior is visiting prostitutes, going to sexual massage parlors, anonymous sexual hook-ups, cyber sex, porn, serial seduction or more likely some combination of behaviors, the fantasies that accompany masturbation will likely mirror those activities.
Sex addicts have what therapists call an “arousal template,” the sexual scenario that they find most exciting. To the addict it is far more thrilling than any other sexual activity; it should really be called the hyper-arousal template. It may be any one of a myriad of sexual experiences, remembered or imagined, but that scenario is what they return to when they masturbate.
If not an exact repeat of the behavior, the masturbation fantasy will likely contain the essential elements of the arousal template, such as dominance, submission, multiple partners, the feeling of being intensely desired, or any of an array of specific sexual acts or fetishes.
Risks of masturbation during recovery
A great many sex addiction therapists believe that in the initial phase of recovery when the addict is trying to abstain from compulsive sexual behavior, that sexual activity should be avoided entirely, including masturbation. Even if masturbation is not part of the addict’s acting out scenario per se, it will most likely bring up fantasies of that activity which in turn could trigger the addict to relapse into the full-on behavior.
A sex addict who compulsively seeks sexual encounters with people he or she recruits from online sources such as personal ads may masturbate while thinking of these hook-up experiences. But this can bring up urges for more, which in turn may lead to the addict “taking a quick look” at the online ads or photos, and then to actual acting out.
When sex addicts use masturbation to “relieve the tension” in order to (theoretically) avoid their preferred sexually compulsive behavior, they may be perpetuating their problem.
In sex addiction counseling we often discourage using masturbation in this way. If it is a watered down version of the behavior the addict is trying to quit, it has the potential to simply prolong the process of withdrawal. The addict is trying to “kick” the habit of a compulsive sexual behavior, one that is secret, alienated and often surrounded with shame. And reliving that behavior in masturbation fantasies is like methadone maintenance for opiate addiction. It is not the same as getting sober.
Adding masturbation back into the program
When in the recovery of the sex addict, or in the process of sex addiction counseling, is it appropriate to allow for masturbation? Using masturbation in recovery depends on:
- The addict’s ability to masturbate without addictive fantasies. This is difficult for most sex addicts as they often find it hard to get aroused or to climax with different fantasies or no fantasies at all.
- The addict’s ability to masturbate to orgasm and avoid “edging.” Edging is the process of repeatedly bringing oneself to the edge of orgasm, pulling back and starting again as a way to prolong arousal.
- The addict’s ability to plan to masturbate rather than doing it when a sexual urge arises. The spur of the moment decision to masturbate may be due to urges or triggers that the addict should pay attention to and deal with in other ways than simply reacting sexually.
How masturbation can be useful in sex addiction counseling
Masturbation can be like a sexual laboratory. Here are some of the ways in which the addict can use masturbation to explore and learn about himself or herself.
- Psychological factors surrounding the act of masturbation. Arousal and orgasm may bring up ideas, voices from the past that have played a role in shaping the addict’s sexuality.
- Emotions or even “body memories” can crop up when masturbation is done without going off into the trance of addictive fantasies. These emotions and memories may relate to past traumatic experiences that the addict has never worked through.
- Some people in sex addiction counseling can experiment with changing their fantasies while masturbating. They can use masturbation to “stretch the envelope” i.e. to go to fantasies and images that are more in the healthy range for them, like thinking about the person they love. For some this will be a return to a more normal time in their life.
Some people have become free of sex addiction through years hard work in their sex addiction counseling program and have begun a new way of living. For these recovered addicts, masturbation is often neither compelling or triggering. It can then take its place as a normal kind of sexual activity.
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11 Comments
I believe my compulsive masturbation began when I was 12 or 13. It was my way of “feeling good” in a very, stressful, rigid authoritarian and dysfunctional household. It was the one thing I could “give” myself that I could depend on to help relieve the stress and “feel good” inside. A way of relieving the pain. Little did I know the pain and loss and problems it would create in my psyche both emotionally and relationally. It became my go-to medicator for unexpressed anger, anxiety etc. I think it also misdirected me in understanding the purpose and goals of heterosexual relationships. I lived in fantasies and avoided the pain of rejection rather than actually exploring real relationships and noticing what happens when I do. I did not have any modeling of how to date or court. As I have now been celibate with my wife for over 2 years and work with my own abstinence of masturbation. I recognize this empty void I sense inside. I’m grateful for this time of celibacy because it has allowed me to see aspects of my emotional world that I believe masturbation attempted to fill in an unhealthy way. When I can sit still enough to see that void the emptiness is very disconcerting. I don’t believe masturbation is health for me now in my recovery for the reasons you explained in your article.
Linda,
I’m so glad you’re willing to talk about this topic. So many guys have questions about this and I believe that many therapists, groups, and sponsors, are unwilling to take a solid stance so as not to encroach on an individual’s right to define his/her definition of healthy sexuality. I feel the definition of healthy sexuality has spun wildly out of control so that it now reads that anything that doesn’t conflict with an individual’s values or is agreed upon by two people in or out of a relationship is deemed healthy sexuality. For example: Some believe that watching porn together as a couple can be healthy and add some excitement into the relationship. The reality is there is no argument that can justify pornography as healthy in any context. The refusal to draw a line in the sand creates chaos for addicts who desperately need and most of the time crave real boundaries in their lives. Masturbation is the equivalent to measuring out a thimble of booze for the alcoholic. It stops the shakes but does nothing for the real problem.
These are the problems I see with masturbation for addicts. First, I believe that most addicts/men simply don’t have the facts. There is a belief that masturbation or the concept of “release” is a medical necessity for men. A well-known book series promotes the “72 hour” rule. This is simply not true. I’ve never heard of any documented medical case where a man’s testicles exploded or injury occurred from not ejaculating.
Second, many addicts refuse to put masturbation in their inner circle because they belief it is either unrealistic or can be used to prevent them from engaging in their bottom line behaviors. Either way it promotes the core belief that sex is my greatest need. In addition, I find it to be disempowering for the addict.
Third, orgasm is possibly the most powerful reinforcer on the planet. I believe it is also designed to bond us to our partner. So the questions I have are: What thought/process is being reinforced? And who/what am I bonding with? I have heard some addicts relate that they do not fantasize while masturbating or that the fantasies primarily revolve around their partner. I’m relatively confident that these men are the exception if they are indeed being honest with themselves and others.
Last, I find it very difficult to accept how anyone who continues to use masturbation as a means to control could accept a program of recovery that requires them to surrender.
Jeff, I found your commentary thoughtful and I’m interested in Dr Hatch’s answers.
Masturbation combined with sexual fantasy while in a relationship is a “distancing” act… right? How can that be good for either partner?
Mister T: When you’re a sex addict you’re anyway at a great distance to your partner. Masturbating (in an appropriate way – as explained in the article) can be a way to find back to your partner. It’s important to set up a plan on how to reduce the quantity and intensity of masturbation. When a porn addict masturbates ten times a day it is great progress if he reduces it to five times a day and ultimately to once a day or once a week. This takes time, though. You can’t expect somebody to give it up completely from one day to another. This would provoke cravings and relapse.
Frank… I’ve always been a teetotaler, but grew up in a family with an alcoholic who “cured” himself. I understand it’s difficult, but it doesn’t matter if you masturbate 10 times a day “in your addiction” or once a day… you’re still an addict. He and I can tell you the two most momentous drinks he ever took were his first… and his last. He did not “find his way back” to sobriety by continuing to drink. I promise you… one day you will discover it is the same with masturbation addiction.
Jeff- you hit the nail on the head!!! As a man who has been sexually addicted since age 13 (I am now in my 60s) I can tell you from my experience that masturbation has no place in my recovery. Your point about orgasm with partner being a form of bonding is absolutely true. I further believe that human sexuality has a HUGE spiritual component to it that can never be realized when one has solo sex. Thanks for your posting!
I myself was a chronic mastruabtor with my first wife watching porn and leading into erotic chat and trying to have casual hookups.
During Divorce with my first wife I met my now second wife and for 6 Months everything was fine, no masturbation, no searches for Casual sex etc, I brought up the idea of couple swap swinging and also threesome with another woman. My wife with her own traumas let this go on for almost a year telling herself that she was ok with it when she wasn’t. Now we have seen someone about this sort of situation and Therapy is a first shot, I however do not wish to go to Therapy. I have been fighting my urges for the last three days+ now and doing rather well.
Any one have some Idea’s ? Thoughts ?
Go to therapy, three days is nothing….Why would you not want to go to therapy?
Thank you
I am absolutely amazed at that any therapist would say that masturbation in any shape, form, or fashion is good and/or healthy. Case in point – 99% of addicts will say NO masturbation is the answer. What’s wrong with these doctors that can’t listen to their clients. These therapists need to rethink their own beliefs when almost every addict who is crying for help and saying that they believe that masturbation is a NOT good thing, and the doctor says sure it is, you can handle it. It puts them right back into their addiction. Gotta wonder if that isn’t just a way to ‘keep’ a client.
Orgasm is way the brain ‘bonds’ with a partner. Masturbation is orgasm is SELF-SEX. If you masturbate, you bond with yourself. Now, how healthy is that????