Many wives and partners of sex addicts complain of their partner ogling other women.  A man who can’t help staring at other women may be just a rude guy or his ogling may be part of a pattern of sexually compulsive behavior.  If you are the partner of such a man you will know that it is crazy making.  There are a million ways for a man to brush aside your concern and make you feel that you are overreacting.  It is “gaslighting” on steroids.

I have worked with many sex addicts and their partners for whom ogling is a serious problem. By that I mean often the sex addict will be unable to stop looking at attractive women and will be using the images of sexy women he sees in passing as a way to be swept away, to feed a fantasy life, and to avoid the person he is with.

I saw one sex addict who admitted that he ogled in this way; that he looked at women “from the neck down”.  He was happily married yet he saw himself as being sexually compulsive in this one area.  He claimed he would do anything to stop because it hurt his wife so much.  When he couldn’t stop looking at another woman in a restaurant on his honeymoon it was a wake up call for his wife (and him).

The three second rule

Sex addicts in recovery are told to follow the three second rule, meaning that although you can’t help glancing at or noticing someone, you can give yourself three seconds to stop looking.  At that point you can hopefully manage to redirect your thoughts away from sexual objectification and into seeing the person as a person (a student, someone’s daughter, etc.) and to wish them well.

One of the partners of sex addicts who wrote to me  challenged this idea.  Her partner is a recovering sex addict who ogles women.  She wrote:

“His comment to me about three seconds was that he rarely if ever looks that long because he wants to avoid discovery. He is very subtle about his looking, yet he is able to get a potent hit, even though his eyes only “flick” briefly onto a woman’s body. So basically, someone could look for under three seconds and get a potent sexual hit. In other words, it’s really not about the amount of time. It’s about the intent, the hunting, the feeding, the drinking in, the filling up.”

She describes also:

“…a different person I know who captures image impressions of women’s bodies and files them away mentally for later fantasy use. These also could be just very brief glimpses of someone’s cleavage or of someone in an every day position that is sexually titillating to the viewer.”

This woman’s partner is not unusual.  Many sex addicts complain that they are helpless because there are just so many sexy women around and they can’t help looking at them.  And yet ogling can feed an addiction by adding to what some sex addicts call their “data base” of sexual imagery that they can call up at a later time to use for masturbation or even during sex.  It can feed what is essentially a stash of mental pornography even if they have been successful in giving up an actual pornography addiction.

One thing is for sure; if a man has already identified himself as having problematic, compulsive sexual behavior then his ogling is probably one of his array of sexually addictive behaviors.

What ogling does

Remembering images and having fantasies is not at all pathological in itself.  And to some extent the level objectification of women that is involved in ogling is an everyday occurrence in our culture.

But as I noted elsewhere, the American Psychological Association talked about ogling as one step along a scale:

with sexualized evaluation (e.g. looking at someone in a sexual way) at the less extreme end, and sexual exploitation, such as trafficking or abuse, at the more extreme end.”

Sexual objectification of women (and men) is rampant in our culture and it is probably getting worse.  As a form of objectification, ogling may or may not be a dangerous trend, but can seriously interfere with a person’s ability to relate in an intimate relationship.

Ogling as a form of sexualizing and objectifying people is so common among sex addicts as to be almost universal.  And it can also provide a direct trigger to relapse in an addict who gets swept into fantasy.

For some sex addicts looking at women in a sexual way is part of their addictive ritual.  They feel deprived of sex, even rejected by the women they look at and this paves the way for them to escape into their other sexually addictive behaviors such as internet porn.

Is ogling voyeuristic?

As I discussed in a prior post it may not be possible for most of us to tune out sexy women.  But sexual looking and sexual evaluation of strangers can be seen as unwanted and invasive in itself, quite apart form its impact on partners of sex addicts.  Some women may want to be looked at, but some may feel slimed or even violated by it.  And since the ogler has not way of knowing it’s best to assume that there is something uninvited and even potentially voyeuristic about it.

Recommended Posts

107 Comments

  1. My husband is a porn addict who also likes to ‘scan’ for women and use the images later when he masturbates. The three-second rule is totally worthless. Imagine the cumulative data and stimulation he can collect if he sees an attractive female every 10 minutes all day long. He has gas-lighted me for the entire time we’ve been married. All his attempts at “recovery” have been to get with an SAA group and spend a couple hours trading sob stories and reassuring each other that at least they aren’t actually raping people. A sex-addicted man is broken in a basic and fundamental manner that can’t be cured. I would suggest that any woman involved with a man who is so afraid of intimacy and so narcissistic should leave ASAP. There is no light at the end of the tunnel with these men. Buried too deeply and incorporated too powerfully for them to stop.

    • Thank you for sharing your opinion.

    • I grew up with parents who love the beach and it’s become unbearable for me to go anywhere with my father, who blatantly oogles women in front of my mother and I. I first became aware and grossed out by it as a teen, I’m well into adulthood and the only thing that has changed is that he is quieter about it. He doesn’t seem to care much if I find out though. Recently I’ve expressed some upset to them at certain behaviors, mostly big loud tempers when they don’t get their way, and the response was pretty creepy. Dad stood up and pushed mom into the background of our conversations, mom became quiet for months, and she stopped making plans with just me and her. I miss my mom so much but my dad can be a real asshole. She is completely committed to making it work no matter what. I don’t want to see them at all but have been staying in contact via email. Dad definitely has gaslighted me in the past into thinking I’m crazy and he seemingly has no interest in changing himself, just being the big dominant leader of the house. And getting his way most of the time. Pretty sure now he has convince my mom and brother that I’m the asshole for not wanting to hang out, though I swear all I’ve done for the past 15 years is work on myself and my issues. (Realizing my answer as I type this…take care of my own needs first.)

    • I feel the same way, unfortunately. I am dealing with a relatively “new” relationship with someone whom I went to middle school with. We reconnected in March after all these years, and one thing led to another. I am typically a zero tolerant kind of female, however I’ve found myself making expecting for my boyfriend, solely due to our history/background. We have had several altercations relating to other females in which included possible feelings for an ex, womanizing, dating sites, pornography, etc. I’ve caught him checking out other females before and confronted him for it. He promised to never do it again, yet I caught him making this mistake earlier today. This is why I found myself researching and reading in regards to “sex addicted partners and relationships”. After all, he made it known from the beginning that he was a sex addict and informed me in a way that made it seem like he was proud to tell me. I’ve never caught any physical evidence proving that he is unfaithful but reoccurring issues such as this becomes threatening towards the potential in our relationship.
      I know that im already a paranoid and emotionally damaged girl, which set’s me up for failure in every relationship because inability to regain self control and monitor the way perceive things.
      But this relationship has caused me to question myself, as a person. I don’t know what to do because he proposes his love to me daily, preaching his desire to marry me. BUT, I’ve learned from just observing, he’s a man of “talk” and not his words. How do I not know if his intention is influenced by the fear of being alone or passing time? I’m confused, and it’s hurting me.

      • Hi Amber,

        I think that you’re correct to be concerned. Regardless of what he’s telling you or how he treats you, if he’s ogling other women and masturbating to their mental or physical images, then he isn’t demonstrating any respect for you, for the women he’s fantasizing about, and for women in general. I used to be like him, making every excuse in the book (women’s clothing, my sex drive, my wife’s sex drive, etc.). If he doesn’t admit when pressed that what he’s doing is wrong and that it needs to change then I’m afraid nothing will change with regards to your relationship and you will forever witness this disrespect. You deserve better! Don’t let him or anyone convince you that what he’s doing is normal or justifiable in any way. There’s a big difference between briefly looking at and admiring a woman’s beauty or fashion versus disrespectfully ogling/fantasizing and subsequently masturbating to a women (doesn’t matter if she’s in a magazine, online, or while out on the town). You need to demand that he goes to sex addiction therapy and if he refuses then that means he doesn’t care enough to gain a better a better appreciation and respect for you and women in general, he isn’t willing to do what’s absolutely necessary to achieve a healthy relationship with you, and he obviously doesn’t care about your happiness.

        I wish you the best.

        Regards,
        Alan

        • Thank you.
          Since my last post, thing’s seemed to have improved until recently. There has been a disconnection between us and a lot of “private” browsing from his phone. He continues to argue his intent to marry me but I don’t feel that it’s genuine. I’m not even sure he is intentially trying to mislead me. Im starting to conclude that there are some narcasstic qualities in him that are fueling the issues in our relationship. I know that I care about him and I know that I love him but I don’t feel so attached as I once did. I can sense it from him as well, sometimes. There are days where he projects this overly stimulated feeling of love and happiness. Then there are days where he’s demanding, argumentative, questioning and arrogant. I’m not sure how to handle this considering he’s someone I’ve known since middleschool. Any advice? I feel the need to support him but in retrospect, I’m hurting myself.

          • Hello Amber. I’m sorry to hear of your continued struggle with this. My advice is simple. Accept that this is his problem, not yours. Accept that you can offer him help, but that he has to take the next step thereafter. Accept that he has to acknowledge that he has a sex addiction and seek help and that you’re within your right to break away from this relationship if he isn’t willing to do so. You are correct to question his marriage intentions, your trust in him has been shaken and rightfully so since he isn’t even willing to demonstrate respect for you and even other women for that matter. You need to make it very clear to him that if he isn’t willing to give up inappropriate browsing and masturbation without excuses then you will be forced to revaluate your relationship with him. At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself whether you want to keep living a life of disrespect and deception. I think you deserve better. With that said, I also do understand that it’s an addiction, I’ve been through it and still struggle with it. Without the help of my wife, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today. She is both my motivational source and my strict accountability check.

        • Hello,
          I would like to share my very recent story with you all…
          I met this sweet and awesome guy 1 year and 4 months ago, and we had the best relationship I have ever had in my entire life… which makes everything way more difficult. About a year ago I noticed he started at other women in front of me. It was not a simple look, like “man can’t help it” type of look, no, it was hertbroken. It hurt me so bad that I told him that was a deal breaker for me and something needed to be done or we would eventually break up. He never denied, always admitted and felt ashame and sorry for what he did. Everytime, the same thing. But at the same time never really did something to fix it. I told him to go to a psycologist or talk to someone… he always promised, but never really did anything. Then, about 2 weeks ago, things got darker and uglier. We were living together since January (but I still kept my place, and would keep until he started actually doing something about the staring). Then, on a Sunday morning, we were both laying in bed, he woke up a bit before me, and was checking his phone. I woke up, he saw and immediately dropped his phone when I came to him. He never does that. Then we hugged and I wanted to check the time and try to reach his phone. He didn’t let me, and jumped towards his phone, unlocked it and close two tabs on Chrome immediately, on my face! I asked him to re-open it. He tried to scape but confessed: he was looking to buy spy cams. I asked for what, and he said: to put in a locker room! My boyfriend, ladys and gentlemen, was looking for prices of spy cams that he wanted to put in a locker room! I stormed out, left, and came back later to talk to him. I asked him hundreds of questions, and he confessed that about 3 years ago he went to a clothes store and tried to film a girl in a fitting room… He said it did not work, he was too nervous and the video was dark… who cares? He did it, he tried it! And he said: but there was no harm, nothing happened, it didn’t work… he does not seem to even consider the woman and her privacy, and how much he is violating her. He also did not realize how serious this is. If he actually put a camera somewhere and get caught, he goes to jail, is filled as sexual deviant and will never gonna be able to get a job again! He promised to me that he does not have any camera, never had, and says he was just looking for it, but would never really do it… well… a bit hard to believe on anything right now.
          I told him that he needs to start treatment immediatelly, before this gets even bigger.
          I told him I was going to tell his parents. Of course he didn’t want to, but he saw that he had no option and we went together. I told them everything. His stepmom said she recognized the starting. She saw him doing it before, and she said that his dad does exactly the same! He admited it, and said it was always like that. My ex-boyfriend will start treatment with a sexologist and I will start psycological treatment next week. We broke up, but we met and talked about it a lot. I want to make sure he starts the treatment and stick to it. I will give some support for now, but my priority is to take care of myself. I see that now he started to understand how big his problem really is. He says he really wants to fight and treat this, he doesn’t want to have this shit in his future. He says he will get better and fight for us. Not sure that will ever happen and that I will ever want it. I really hope the treatment will help him, and that he will fight to get better and to understand himself. It is obvious that this is only the result of much deeper problems and issues from his past. He and his family are really good at pushing feelings away, and not dealing with anything.
          I am extremely heartbroken now, he destroyed my life, my plans, my future with him. It’s being really hard to keep up. But I am trying.
          I don’t hate him, but I don’t think I will ever be able to feel the same for him again, trust him again, be with him and not fear what is he doing behind my back, which kind of things he might be considering doing, and still, the staring… would that ever stop?
          If you relate to any part of my problem, note that I do not want to tell you what to do, at all. It is your relationship, you are the only one that can judge it. The only thing I would like to ask you to do is: listen to that voice inside of your head, the one that comes from the heart. This voice already knows and is already telling you what you want/should do.
          A friend of mine told me that about 6 months ago I told him: my relationship is doomed (because of the staring). Man with this kind of behaviour will have a hard time admitting it, then even harder time acting on it and looking for help. They will try to keep you, and make you believe that they will do something and change… maybe they can, but it is a process they have to go through themselves, they need lots of therapy and they need to be open and honest. Still, I don’t even know if this is treatable, if they can help themselves… is it worth it to live a life with someone like this?

  2. In C.J.’s comment above, if you replace husband with wife; he with she; his with her; man with woman: and men with women… what remains describes my addict wife to a “T”.

    I also agree with her comment to leave your sex addict ASAP. After 25 years; my wife’s infidelities; objectification; chronic masturbation; hundreds of romance novels; mental pornography; sabotaging of a dozen or so qualified therapists and recovery groups; her “gas lighting” without end; and tens of thousands of dollars for ineffective therapy, it has been a road that she had best traveled alone. My moment of awakening finally came when I accepted the fact that nothing in her life was ever going to be more important to her than her addictions.

    • I’m starting to hate my bf. He thinks in an idiot . Came home with a hardon and said that is was.for me. Does he think im a moron ?I detest this man now. He was addicted to porn and oogling and jerking off getting hard watching TV shows. Nothing even sexual on tv . He’s a pig . The shit on his computer he should be in jail. He looks at every age . No age discrimination Here. He’s a pervert. Then he tries to make me look crazy . I’ve lost hair over this liar … he would jerk off 2 times a day .I hate going anywhere with him , we aren’t. Going to a Xmas party . He’s obsessed with when squatting even grocery shopping. I fucking hate him.

      .

      • Are you sure your talking about my husband cause he sounds the exact same, except he honks, whistles and acts like he is smacking her ass with his hand gesters. He also has called women on Craigslist for massages, and visited a few but claims he never went in. Really, I hate this mother fucker.

        • Hello. Recently I read about people with histrionic personality disorder who are often also sex addicts, which perfectly fits the profile of a person with “honking, whistilinh and acting like he is smacking her ass”, in o ther words, sexually inappropriate behaviour. Please check the histrionic personality disorder and compare it with your husband.

    • Thank you for your post and all the posts here. It’s a comfort and relief to hear about other’s experiences and read Dr. Hatch’s literature. I come to this page when I can’t sleep. I left my husband of 8 years, 5 months ago. His behaviour is well represented here already and at the end of the day he chose this behaviour over his family, home and business, devastating is an understatement. I’m being careful to take care of myself and realize the years of effort, tears and standing by him waiting for him to get counselling will never be returned. I’m getting help in therapy still and realizing my part in my codependency. I also have a brother who is a severe alcoholic and has mental health issues and we went through an abusive childhood so I’m reading some al-anon concepts. I was finally able to detach from him and stop enabling. I was in counselling for years for my childhood and my point is that I’m taking ownership of the fact that I wanted love, intimacy and marriage above everything and stayed in a terribly unhealthy relationship for years too long because of my desire for this “ideal”. I’m now learning what a healthy relationship can be and look like, to assess my patterns to not repeat and set my boundaries so I don’t fall “obsessively head over heels” for the same type of person. I need to change and walk down a different road. Even though leaving my marriage is excruciatingly painful it is far less painful than living with his destructive behaviour and the craziness of trying to rationalize it. I no longer have chest pain, I’m losing weight, taking care of myself and connecting with my friends and community, getting clear on my life and goals. I’m having better sex (alone) than I have in 7 years. I’m trying to be a better companion for myself and focusing on my design and sculpture. I would like to be a whole, happy, healing healthy person rather than someone who thinks that the “dream of love and marriage” will make me happy and save the day. If I want a different life then I need to start thinking differently and that is my next task. I realized in the week after the house sold and I was well and truly alone that I had profound regret for some of my actions in the marriage, I was not the person I wanted to be, angry, etc. you know the rest. Regret in a good way, I see that I can take a step back and give myself and others space. Thanks for everyone’s courage who have posted here. I’m 43 and my former spouse is 37. There was good in him and our marriage, I didn’t want my marriage to end, I wanted the behaviour to end. At the fundamental core he had a deep disrespect for me in matters of marriage and our business as well as other women. He has stated that he has little love, compassion and feeling for me or others and that he didn’t want to look at it or change. After leaving I can finally believe him.

      • My husband sounds like yours. He treats me with disrespect more often than not. He even scolds me as if I’m a child. Obviously I am not an equal in this marriage. I’m glad you found the strength to move on and wish you all best in your new life. I wish I could do that. Maybe I will one day.

        Just like your husband my husband is a good person and has many good qualities. However, I can’t seem to move on from his ogling problem. He loves looking at young girls but denies it. I first became aware of this problem when we were out for a nice dinner when a young waitress walked past us and he took his eyes off of me to scan her body. I let that go. But when she walked past the other way, he took the opportunity to scan the other side of her body. I disengaged and remained silent during the remainder of the meal. He mentioned that all of a sudden I was acting different. I pointed out in the car on our way home what he did and how disrespectful that was. He claimed that he notices movement out of the corner of his eye and has to look. What a crock of BS that is. I can assure you that if a large woman, an old granny or a guy walked past, he wouldn’t scan their bodies. I let that go and forgot about it until about two months later when we were leaving a show home through the garage. I was ahead of him when two attractive 15 yr old girls were approaching me. I turned around to see if my husband would be checking them out and sure enough, his eyes were popping out of his head and his mouth open as he watched them walk past him. The look on his face told me how hot and desireable he found them. Yeah, that look. By the way, my husband was 50 yrs old at the time. How creepy is that! Right after that, we went to a pub for supper. At the end of the meal, hubbie picked up the bill, paying for it at the table with the card machine. As the waitress took the card and entered the information in the machine, I saw him scan her body. Later that night as we were just laying down to go to sleep, I mentioned what I saw. He yelled out, “Oh, so you think I’m a pedophile!” He claimed he was just waiting for them to get out of the way. And his excuse at the restaurant was that I couldn’t have possibly seen him do this because of where I was sitting. So he must not have done this. I sure did see this and have since seen more of this behaviour. On top of this, we quit having sex due to the fact I felt no better than a roommate and not feeling desired. He also started belittling my body for several months. Keep in mind here that he is well over 100 pounds overweight and I was maybe 25 pounds overweight. But he had no problem letting me know that Taylor Swift is f’n hot. She is the same age as our oldest daughter. Again, creepy.

        I should mention too that when I bring this issue up to talk about, he deflects by telling me I am mentally ill like my mother was (she was a paranoid schizophrenic) and uses statements against me that I’ve told him in confidence. This hurts me immensely. I question why I tell him things because I know he’ll throw it in my face later. He does this all the time. I’ve realized, albeit too late, that my husband has no boundaries, except not to stick his dick in someone else. Otherwise, he’s been playing on the sidelines, thinking everything else is acceptable – looking at porn, going to strippers and lying about it, flirting with pretty young blonde girls. In fact his 2 closest friends are someone who cheated on his wife and someone who got fired from his job because he got caught looking at porn at work – on a secretary’s computer.

        One day I just happened to “accidentally” creep through his FB posts and noticed he was friends with a 20 yr old waitress. When I asked him about this, he said she sent the request. He often went to the restaurant at lunch (by himself) where she works. She always gave him free fries. (Like he needs them.) Several months later I looked through his FB feed and saw that he liked a photo of her laying on her bed in just a tshirt. I took a screenshot of this and texted it to him at work. He knew I was not happy. When he got home from work, he claimed he didn’t know he liked it and then told me what a bad mother I am to our girls. Really…what does that have to do with the picture he liked? And then he yelled at me that there is nothing wrong with watching cheerleaders! How are cheerleaders and this related? We were at an away football game end of November when I noticed he was quite aroused watching the cheerleaders dance. I tried distracting him and he got annoyed with me. The next morning he comes back to bed-after his morning ritual in the bathroom-with the largest hard on I’ve seen him have in years – and he wanted a BJ. Clearly I’m not the one who gave him the hard on. Anyways back to the FB pic, he happened to like it when we were at this football game.

        Anyways, I bought this book called Every Man’s Battle – Winning the War on Sexual Temptation. I gave it to him on our 32nd wedding anniversary. He wasn’t pleased but I made him read it. Then I read it. It has very religious overtones to it but it gives examples of the things men do and how to fix it. He says he applies the techniques suggested such as bouncing the eyes and thinking of his beautiful wife when around attractive women. He also said that the book was irrelevant to him because he doesn’t do the things the men in the book do. Again, really? Does he think I was born yesterday? Why apply the techniques if you don’t have this problem??? Can someone please explain this to me – is there something I’m missing here? When I ask him if he ogles young girls, he says he’s not aware that he does this. He won’t say he’s done this. This is where my problem comes in. When someone has an addiction problem and can’t admit that he has that problem, the problem continues. However, if there is an admission there is a problem, then there is a better chance of fixing the problem. His denial of ogling just eats away at me. I also found out in October about a $60,000 debt he racked up gambling when I again “accidentally” went through his credit card statements. I checked out his statements to see where he spends his money. When I found two $300 withdrawals in one day at the pizza place near our house, it prompted me to look at the other statements. I found in one month he withdrew $2,500 for gambling. He would often gamble after work before coming home or in between out-of-office meetings during the day. This had been going on for 3 years. We went to marriage counselling this past summer about his ogling and he never brought this up because he wanted to fix it by himself.

        He certainly has a gambling addiction, admitted to it, and is dealing with it. He cut up most of his credit cards and takes lunch to work. He watches his spending now. Having said that, we don’t go out very often anywhere except to get groceries. We use to enjoy going to nice restaurants but I’m not comfortable going anywhere with him where there are young girls. We don’t go to many places in public because I get knots in my stomach when he’s with me. I feel I can’t trust him and don’t want to give him something visually to enjoy when he’s with me. I have since spoken to a few counsellors about this and the female counsellors feel I lack self esteem and it’s my problem, not his. The one male counsellor I dealt with understood what I was going through, thought my husband has been abusive and disrespectful. The marriage counsellor we saw wanted me to forget the past and move forward. But the past hasn’t been dealt with, in my mind.

        I can’t leave my husband because my job is in jeopardy so I have to co-sign for a loan to pay off the gambling debt. I’d like to leave him but I’m stuck. I could do so much better or all men like this? I try to find reasons why I should stay, other than the financial one, but the reasons to leave are so very obvious. I question whether I love him any more.

        I’m glad I found this site to unload. It helps to see others are dealing with this too. I agree with others that this is mentally exhausting.

        • I’m 50 and he’s 53. He’s my boyfriend and they sound exactly alike. I feel I am just his full in until he runs into that young girl that he can manipulate alot deeper. We are being used and abused. It just makes me sick mostly because I love him. I’m so sick of being depressed every day. I don’t think they’re capable of living. I don’t know what I am to him. When he does something totally embarrassing, i fight back with both barrells, yet he has a wonderful side. And the saddest part is i was.married to another for 20 years, only he slept with them. My 4 adult children are really messed up. Geeze, why am I attracted to them? It’s just sick. I can’t take it any more, but I love him. My excuse is he treats me better then any man has. I’m pretty screwed up in the head. Get out while you can. I’m financially stuck.

        • This is EXACTLY THE SAME THING I AM GOING THROUGH. O MY Goodness…

          • Could he ad a narcissist also?

        • After reading countless accounts of others’ experiences with their husband/boyfriend and how the sex stopped and the body criticism escalated, specifically how my pubic hair was suddenly an issue after 28 years of marriage, I have come to the conclusion that my husband is addicted to porn but he denies this, of course. Now all this makes sense as I put all the pieces together. We are currently seeing a psychologist and he too wants to sweep this issue under the rug. How will that solve anything?

          • Thalia, one year after leaving my ogling, sex addicted spouse he is still not in therapy or making any of the promised changes I stuck around so long for. He was in the bar days after we broke up and has been partying ever since. Of course there are the women. I have moved away to move on and he has ghosted me the whole year. Point being if a person wants to change then it is all action, not words, deviousness and unkept promises. People either do or don’t, this is the gift that I have learned. His behaviour became very nasty after the break up as the narcissistic “rouse” was over. This was also a gift as I am moving on, otherwise I might have stayed and still be living “in” his world and “that” life and frankly it wasn’t much of a life and a world centred around an addict is small, stifling and smothered. No maturity, growth or love and when’s the last time you were authentically appreciated? My ex is very dramatic, chaotic and is involving himself with lot’s of young women in a small community. For heavens sakes I’m 44, who needs that malarkey! Your, our lives were/ are forever about them and what they are and aren’t doing. I much prefer the peace, living my life again than ever stand for that again. I hope things pan out for you.

          • I identify with you 100%

          • He wants you to be smooth down there like the young ladies he’s seeing in the porn he’s looking at. My recommendation is to absolutely not remove your pubic hair because it will reinforce his behavior and get him used to desiring you only when shaved/waxed. I offer my advice as a young man who struggles with this myself. Not all of us men want to act like this, some of us are not aware of the damage we’re causing society and gender equality and opt for the easy way out. I’m proud to say that I’m currently out of the denial phase I was in and I now acknowledge that what I was doing for most of my young life was rude and disrespectful to women irregardless of whether I had a significant other at the time or not. I have now stopped using the same old lame excuses, like “oh, she’s dressed sexy, what did she expect” or “I’m a man, I can’t help myself” or “I’m single right now, so I’m not hurting anyone”. I now realize that I’m the one with problem and that I need to change while I’m still young before it becomes too engrained in my psyche. The problem is it’s hard to change because my mind has gotten used to automatically objectifying women. I found a good therapist and she said she is willing to help me deal with the ogling, objectification, and masturbation. I just need the courage to take that next step and go see her. Wish me luck.

          • Justin, my husband is in denial. We went to an addictions counsellor yesterday and the psychologist could see right through him, but, of course, couldn’t say outright that he lied about his ogling and use of pornography. My husband is very concerned about his image and does not want that tarnished. He says he is a man of integrity, and a professional. How can I trust and believe someone whose actions don’t match his words. I admit he is behaving somewhat better (when I am around) but is still not quite there. My wish is that when we are out and about, that those young girls don’t matter to him, much like a 60 year old woman doesn’t matter and garner his attention. I’m not sure that is possible. He is a tough nut to crack. When I call him out about his ogling, he now threatens me with “I’m going to leave you wherever we are and you can find your own way home!”. I feel intense hate towards him when he gets like that. Leaving him sounds like a very good idea.

            My question to you, Justin, is how did you get out of the denial phase?

          • Hello Thalia, It’s hard to describe how I finally got out of denial. Deep down I knew that what I was doing was disrespectful to women, but I kept making excuses. The excuses I would make is that “women dressed sexy”, “I’m single, so I’m not hurting anyone”, “I need a sexual release, that’s all”, “all men do it, even married ones”. One day it all just became so apparent that I was living a lie. I always prided myself on treating women with respect, yet here I was staring them down with the intent of objectification and masturbating to their thoughts and images. I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. You mentioned that you would like your husband to see young women as he would a 60 year old. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m oblivious to young women when I’m in public, but what I will say is that I no longer stare rudely at them or masturbate to their thoughts later on, which further reinforces the sexual objectification. I’ve been following the comments made by David on this page where he says to very briefly admire a woman’s beauty and fashion without crossing the line into disrespectful sexual thoughts, to remind yourself that she’s someone’s sister, daughter, etc, to imagine her and everyone around being able to read your thoughts or witness your subsequent masturbation. I really like this approach because it shifts my focus away from potential sexual thoughts and more towards her fashion, hair, makeup, etc, (honestly, things I never paid attention to before because o was too busy objectifying) and it forces me to see her as a human being and not some masturbation tool. If the woman I see looks to be in her teens or early 20’s, then I also remind myself of that constantly and about how creepy it is for a man in their mid 30’s to have impure thoughts. It really comes down to feeling shame for what you’re doing. I now completely accept that a woman has the right to wear whatever she wants and that I’m the one with the problem, I’m the one that needs to stop making excuses and treat women with the respect they deserve. I now feel so much more better about myself.

          • Oops, I mean to say Alan, not David, apologies.

        • Wow! Spot on! It IS a problem….should he stay or should he go. I posted my issue back in May of 2016 on this site & was a big surprised to see this problem exists in so many couples. My fiancé and I are NOT young kids & I have never ever encountered this problem with any other man from my past. For at least 2 yrs or more, I was told I was imagining things or I was crazy, etc. I told him he needs professional help so he finally agreed to counseling which we went to for about 6 months. The counselor thought HE was not being forthcoming enough (i.e, in denial), so she recommended one in one counseling for just him….he’s been to 2 sessions. Meanwhile, I’m the one who doesn’t want to go anywhere with him because I end up aggravated/stressed out/embarrassed. And I’m also losing out on doing fun things!! He goes to the grocery store with me & even that becomes stressful as I see his eyes wandering to check out women & young girls….it’s effing creepy as you stated!! He relies on me almost 100% financially as he is in disability. I can certainly afford to manage just fine in my own but it’s a tough thing to put him out. I definitely care for him a great deal but I’m not even interested in having sex with him anymore. Where do we go from here? I wish I knew!!

  3. Yes, I have been reading countless stories to see if I can find any relevance to my dilemma. My partner is sexually oogling very young women, all beautiful, which I find no problem with, as I tend to stare at beautiful women myself but he rubs his crotch when doing so, albeit subtly. One particular morning he went out to get coffee and came home with a hard-on and I know it was not for me, as when I went to approach him, he went into the shower. This particular serving girl was exquisite and about 20… Whenever I frequent the coffee shop with him, if she is serving, there is an awkward silence, he stares elsewhere and she is blushing profusely. He is a very handsome 58-year-old, and he knows it. I believe this has been a lifetime of such habit. We have been together 3 years and am told that I am a very attractive woman for my age, which is 55, I know I look much younger, particularly with my shape… But all this attention he is giving to other women has left me feeling unattractive and now I don’t want to have sex with him…..actually I believe I should leave him. I brought up the subject several times, as every time I go out into the public I meet up with his potentials and I find it insulting… he vehemently denies anything I say and tries to make me feel that I am insecure and not thinking right…………….. It is mentally exhausting…

  4. Eileen, I feel for you with empathy. My husband and I are of similar age, educated, well presented and have been together for 3 years. I have always been aware that my man ogles beautiful young women, sometimes following their movement and sometimes it’s just a stolen glance. This behaviour is of course denied by my husband except that he admits looking at a beautiful (and they’re always young) woman is akin to admiring a fabulous car. Of course he says this is my imagination. This would be acceptable we’re it not for the fact that he is rarely able to maintain his erection for vaginal intercourse…. Any other means of ejeculation works for him. He denies that he has porn induced erectile dysfunction though I discovered he had been a paid member of an on line porn site which specialises in ‘innocent’ teens. This I discovered just after we married despite previously being by him that he doesn’t like porn. I told him I would seek professional advice as this is a major stressor in my life- he says I don’t need to seek help………but he won’t !!! It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting…despite that I do believe we love and adore each other.

    • Jane to you find avoiding going into public places with him?

    • I have been going through the same .. Im in a 6 yr relationship my boyfriend has all the porn stars on his snapchat facebook and even on Instagram.. he is not into me these days he want to stay away .. and most importantly he loves to flirt with girls around nrv leaves his phone down . I’m doing through hell I don’t know what to do

      • I. Going thru hell with you 😖

  5. I have been with my husband 5 years. Married 1, together for 4. He has always stared at women. From our first date when he stared at every single woman walking by the window of the restaurant, to the next date when he started out the window at another women and said he was looking at the snow. The many, MANY trips to the bathroom to adjust his looks and pout his lips once he saw and “object” he fancied. I remember having my baby and he was cruising the halls and staring at the nurses. Anything he could do to avoid any kind of intimacy with me.
    He fawns over our son and ignores me. I’m the maid, I”m the bookkeeper, I’m the mommy to everyone, I’m not his wife in the biblical sense. He won’t let me be.

    We went out to a fun place with our son and while I chased my son around the place, he chose to look at every woman in there. We have been out to restaurants with mirrors on the wall and he will see a woman, go up to her and stare at her-I will see him doing this in the mirror reflection and he will lie about it.

    He says I’m insecure and paranoid. Really? He’s been doing this every time we’ve ever gone anywhere.

    The day we married, we went to a restaurant, he scanned the ass of the hostess who walked by our table. He did this many times. But always puts it on me like I”m the bad guy.

    So, I have decided to leave him. I’m miserable with him and his indifference towards me. I deserve better. I KNOW I deserve better than to live with a self-centered sex addict who can’t control his impulses.

    And I won’t have my son mirror his behavior.

    • Good for you to have the guts to leave and not put up with this behavior! It will never change. Trust me. I was married to a man for 32 years that never did this. So I had no idea what I was getting into when I met my new husband. Now I too have faced this for the last 9 years now and married for almost 3 years to a sex addict. Yes, the day after we married he stared down a young girl at a museum we were visiting in St. Augustine, Fl. 3 times she passed us. It was like out of one of those true confession stories that you read. I wasn’t even talking to him the day after we got married. Of course he did it slyly as he usually does and thinks he fools me. I’m intelligent (at least I use to be before I ended up here), I know but of course he too denies it over and over and if I say something it ends up being a huge fight and he always says no he doesn’t and I’m crazy. He of course always denies it. He thinks he’s fooling me. So now I keep silent and my insides stays in knots. Everyone tells him I’m so beautiful but I sure don’t feel beautiful anymore. He only stares at young girls. A man can pass by him, an older woman can pass by him and never a glance from him. I make every excuse not to go out with him. He wants to go to a restaurant I say no, go to the beach….that is a definite no, go to the grocery store I say I will go myself, go for a ride somewhere or to a museum I say no. I try to get out of anywhere there will be people. It hurts me too much. It was by shear accident that I met a nurse he worked with for 6 years and we got to talking and I found out that my husband was hitting on her the November before we got married in February and continued to until she left to work somewhere else about a year ago. He’s a real live Don Juan. I confronted him about her and he says he doesn’t know the woman and doesn’t remember working with her. Really? For 6 years and this woman would lie why?

      • yes i am starting to think its not so much them (ogling) men thats the issue but us. our self value as women in thinking we can leave and find another man. i know i am in this position thinking it would get better asking him to change to stop etc but now i am thinking its me that needs to change and that means putting ultimatum and leaving when its broken. living like this is like wanting to fly with a broken wing. we want something but every time we get that couple high we are hurt by our partners actions. i am getting the courage to leave after my counselling session. my partner has decided to get counselling for this but i have decided that if this does not improve as we are engaged i will leave!

        • I have been struggling with my fiance of 6 months almost from the beginning which is a year and a half. He is the perfect man for me in everyway. I really do believe he loves me but all of the descriptions above are him. I’m so happy to have found this site. I am loosing many nights sleep and don’t know which way to go. I realized recently why he was doing it was to store away the images for later use. He too says I’m gealous but that is not the case. We went to the beach twice recently and he has to cover his hard on with a towel or his arm and thinks I dont know why. I dont want to live without him in my life. But ultimately I don’t think I can live with this. It is hurting me deeply. So confused. He is a very handsome young looking 56 year old and I am also at 54. Im too old to cope with this and have felt so alone in it. Thanks to everyone and I wish all the best

          • I am seeing many in their 50s with this problem-which really is the problem for their women-WAKE and leave
            because the suffering and debilitating effects are absorbed by the innocent-until innocent means collaborator for staying

      • I identify with you completely in every way, especially about the beach etc.

  6. Wow.. it helps to know other wives struggle with this as so many people around us want to blow it off as me just being jealous and having the real problem. It’s crazy making.

    • This is the comment I left from the one before before yours…just so you know you are not alone…it is driving me crazy too! Good for you to have the guts to leave and not put up with this behavior!

  7. has anyone tried counselling for this? we are going to see a psychologist for my fiancé issue. or maybe this will be a waste of time?

      • Hi Linda thank you for your reply. im in australia but will def look at sex addition therapist let me know if you know any good ones around there!

        i think the 3 second rule is no good – men to have a quick look. its kind of like telling an alcoholic to only have a sip of alcohol a day it won’t work. it needs to be none at all. so then they can say “i been free from ogling for one year then two and then they get used to it” i would suggest.

        what techniques have you found effective Linda? do you believe this stems from men objectifying a woman as a thing ” nice boobs legs” and not seeing the woman as a person? or something else? and what techniques have you found to be effective in your practice in dealing with ogling man? do you think this can be stopped completely or only partially? or none at all?

  8. This is a great site. Yesterday I finally realized that my partner of 8 years has a very real issue with staring or ogling at younger women. This morning I told him that we, both of us, have a problem and it needs to be resolved. The problem is that he gets scared when we talk about these types of problems and he will certainly not engage in therapy. The postings do help me to re-affirm what I have been seeing and feeling for years now.

    • I’ve been with my husband for 25 years . I’ve never considered his sly glances or ogling as a sex addiction , he was a virgin when we met . I have wondered is he fulfilling sexual desirable thoughts , or is feeling a want to experience sex elsewhere ,indication of my own insecurities ,I am ageing not so slim not as attractive certainly don’t get men looking like I once did . Insecure or not young or mature I find it disrespectful it knocks your confidence as a woman and in your marriage when you don’t have your partners full attention .

  9. I don’t look at women because I feel rejected by them. I am just overwhelmed by their beauty and sexiness.

    • Jim- Then all you need is a partner who is good with you being overwhelmed by other women’s beauty and sexiness. Seriously.

      • There needs to be a distinction here between casually looking at women and a pathological sex addiction! My god girls! Wake up! Men look at other women! It’s normal! And you need to deal with our own insecurities of you have a problem with it! Yes, it’s true, looking at teenage girls is not healthy…but also you need to do your inner healing! Don’t be so insecure just cuz he checks out someone else! Men are visual!

        • Married or committed partners should never NEVER ogle someone else to the point of disrespecting themselves, their partner and the person they are ogling. This statement ‘ men are visual’ is the absolute poorest excuse in the book. Ask a man how he likes it if his wife ogles other men to the point of her own husband’s exclusion, treating him as if he is not present. If they are honest and truly love their wife, they’ll tell you it hurts…no matter how many times the wife says she loves her husband…she’s just ‘looking’. There is nothing wrong with casual observation of ones beauty…we all do that. But repetitive ogling and full body observation is disgusting. Any female who respects herself is disgusted by it.

          • I agree. It got to the point where I would have an anxiety attack if we had a function to go to. The last function we went to, we were sitting at a round table with 8 people. This cute blond and her husband were to my husbands left. I was talking to the couple to my right. After an hour or so, I looked to my left and my husbands chair was behind me, his tie was off, he had unbuttoned his shirt and he and this cute blond were laughing and flirting and her husband was smiling and laughing finding this a turn on I guess. I gave her the look of death and I told my husband to pull his frkn chair next to me and join the table. My anger and temper hit the roof. As usual, I was a crazed lunatic once we got to the car. Man, living apart now and looking back, that situation was so sad for both of us. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.

    • I’m the person who left the first response to this article. I left my porn-addicted priest husband in October 2014. With the help of a great therapist, I finally realized and accepted that all I could look forward to was emotional abuse, relational abandonment and the destruction of self. Being alone was certainly no worse than that. My ex told me he didn’t understand why I was leaving him. Living together as less than roommates was convenient and comfortable for him. Of course a narcissist would think that. I didn’t tell him why. After a decade of fighting over his addiction, what else needed to be said? He knows even if he pretends he doesn’t. I am 100% sure that it was the right thing for me to do. I admit that I hope it all comes crashing down on him someday and that his facade is ripped away so that others know him for what he is . I suppose that’s the hurt and anger I felt for so long talking. Whether that happens or not, it’s best for me to continue addressing my own life and leave him to the Universe. He will continue to be his own victim. I want to become my own heroine. The last thing I will say here is addressed to those of you thinking about tying yourself to someone who demonstrates the attitudes and behaviors Dr. Hatch discusses so eloquently. Don’t think that this person is perfect for you in every other way. Don’t fool yourself into believing that you will be enough and once you’re married it will stop. Don’t sacrifice your self-esteem, your personhood, to keep such an individual in your life. Don’t downplay it as a minor problem that can be dealt with in therapy. DON’T marry him or her. If you do, you will wish you hadn’t.

    • I used to use excuse after excuse like this to rationalize in my mind what I knew deep down was wrong. This is called blaming the victim.

  10. I’m sorry but I don’t believe women’s insecurities are the problem. We are talking grown women here not some 20 year old with a complex. My fiance has a bad ogling problem. It is a glance then another then another then staring. We just came back from vacation where there were hundreds of college age kids running around in skimpy outfits. My “fiance”could not keep his head straight! He’s 53 and I’m 47. If it wasn’t staring down the 16 year olds ass in a thong at the beach it was the young girl dresses conservatively sitting next to me at the restaurant. Fine you want to look..take a look but don’t keep on looking and don’t STARE it’s just ride plain and simple. I’m sure that the fact that he has told me that I should have “work” done on my ass, get bigger boobs and lips injections doesn’t help!!!
    After this last trip he’s on his own. He can kiss my not so perfect ass goodbye.

    • I’m a married man in my early thirties and I too struggled with this in the past. I want all you ladies to know that there is hope, but only if the man really wants to change. The three second rule is something I live by now and really helps, but only if you use it to get your mind back to where it should be, as this post suggests. There’s a huge difference between briefly glancing at and admiring a woman’s beauty or clothing and rudely starting at and sexually objectifying her in your mind, which is very disrespectful. I used to stare at women and think only of them as visual sexual stimuli, images to be used later during masturbation sessions. Now whenever I see a beautiful or scantily clad woman, I’ll glance briefly and keep my thoughts clean. I remind myself that she is a human being (a student, doctor, lawyer, someone’s sister, etc) and that sexually objectifying her is both disrespectful to her and to my wife, they would both disapprove of it. I genuinely keep any thoughts after briefly seeing her focused on a respectful admiration of her makeup, hair, clothing style, shoes, much like a woman would do if she saw her. I do not allow myself to masturbate later to her mental image, as I keep imagining her and my wife watching me with a disgusted look on their faces, as I know without a doubt they would. This was recently put to test when we went on vacation with my wife and young girls in thong bikinis were the norm. I was nervous at first, but I applied the same rules as I would if the girls were wearing a dress, using the three second rule and limiting my thoughts to a respectful admiration of the patterns, etc. of their bikinis, their muscle one or skin tan/color, again, trying as hard as I can to think like a woman would if she saw them and reminding myself that she’s a human being who deserves the utmost respect regardless of what she is or isn’t wearing. Guess what, it worked. Not that I wasn’t turned on, but forcing myself to see these ladies as though my thoughts of them were publicly visible to them and everyone around me allowed me to treat them and subsequently my wife and women in general with the respect they deserve. I just keep reminding myself that a woman has the right to wear whatever she wants, it’s up to me as a man to not cross the line over brief, subtle, and respectful admiration, and to never think (objectify/fantasize) or do anything (stare, masturbate later) that she or my wife would disapprove of. I hope this helps some men and women dealing with this.

      • Thank you for being so personal.

      • Thank you Alan for sharing your very empowering story.
        Linda

      • I’m so glad I found this website. I feel so incredibly inspired by Alan’s post. To read about another man’s struggle with this and how he overcame it is wonderful and makes me that much more committed to changing my ways. I now have finally come to accept and support the fact that a woman has the right to wear whatever she wants and that it is my responsibility to control myself and behave respectfully under any circumstance. Marina’s husband is proof that a man with this problem will engage in this behavior regardless of her age or dress. My goal is to reach that state that Alan found, where I can glance briefly at woman, even if she’s wearing as little as a thong bikini on the beach, and respectfully admire her in my thoughts and subsequent actions. I really like the idea of the three second rule/reminding yourself that she’s someone’s sister, teacher, etc. I’m going to try use the other tactics he’s describe as well to prevent the objectification and masturbation, as I have a girlfriend now and we have sex almost every weekend, so there’s really no excuse for it. I really do want to be a better man than that.

  11. I have been married to a man who is addicted to porn, he scans the internet for naked women daily, he falls over women when we are out, he will actually lose his place in line if there is a cute blond behind him. I have been a raging lunatic for 7 years. And then always apologizing for my crazy behavior and his behavior never gets addressed. He had an affair 6 months ago. I know live in our Florida condo and am very peaceful. We are separated, he still pays all the bills so I have not made an effort to get a divorce but am taking the time and realizing that I can never go back to that life. Those were the most crazy 7 years of my life and he refused to admit he had a problem.. I’m letting that man pay the bills and I am taking time to get my head and my self worth back.

    • I congratulate you and thank you for the comment. Wishing you happiness from now on.
      Linda

  12. My fiance & I both look and seem very younger than our 60 yrs of age. We have been together for 3 years. It was fairly early when I started noticing him stare at women, young or old, as well as teenage girls. To say it creeps me out is putting it mildly. I finally confronted him about it & got the typical response: I’m imagining it…I’m crazy, etc. I told him it is a dealbreaker for me & things got much better….well, on the surface it appeared as such. He just got better at his ogling. We both recently retired & moved to a new state & this looking issue is worse than it ever was. At least I finally got him to admit that he does it, though he says he doesn’t know why. I gave him some “why” examples from what I’ve read up on this & he said he’s not looking at them in a sexual way at all. I call BS on that!
    So, he got a part time job at a sandwich truck & has been staring to his heart’s content. Since I drive him to & from, I sit in the lot waiting & have seen him looking at women. A few days ago, I was nearby his place & came out to talk to him & heard him joking & flirting with a 20 yr old. He actually couldn’t see me standing there off to the side because he was so focused on this young girl. Then he said this to his next customer: “look at that….wow, today I realized I’m an old man”. I made sure I was in his field of vision & said “really”. I left and later at home, he denied, denied, denied & finally admitted he made a mistake. I told him he needs professional help & he said he would talk to a counselor….that hasn’t happened yet tho. I feel less worthy when he does this….it actually breaks my heart. One of my girlfriends told me “well, all men do this & don’t forget that he comes home to you & goes to bed with you”. Somehow, I find NO comfort in that. It is a respect & betrayal issue here. I won’t even change clothes in front of him these past 3 days & have alternated with seething anger to just breaking down crying. I can’t believe everything we’ve built for ourselves is about to go out the window because I will NOT spend my golden years feeling uncomfortable every single time we go A N Y where! Just feeling very sad. I don’t find this harmless or typical male behavior….I have NEVER encountered this problem with any other man in my entire life. I am a confident, very attractive woman but am sick of seeing my self-esteem tank when these issues arise. I could or would never compete with a cute little 20 year old & definitely shouldn’t have to! I found this site by searching to see what others had to say about it or to find some advice & can’t believe how many women are dealing with this issue.

    • Call him out on it and be very serious about leaving him.

  13. I am dating a man in his fifties he had a porn addiction and a ogling problem.. He denies it but it is out of control , he had gotten a little better but meaning his doesn’t keep looking at them until they are out of site note it is a glance and then the checking of the whole body out. It doesn’t matter what age what she looks like he is going to check her out.. He will scope the whole room looking for females. Stores, parking lots, gas stations as we drive by…TV … He works at a high school and always checking those girls out… I Always feel like crap when I see him do this….. I am tired of talking to him about this and tired of feeling like this.. I asked him to go to counseling but he hasn’t went yet…. Do I keep trying it give up… I love him but it is destroying me.

    • Get help for YOU….learn about sex addiction and TRAUMA and it’s results in YOU.

      • i am in the same situation, we went to more than 4 different people for counceling, nothing changes, instead it got worse. we got divorced then cause he said we was worried to loose more money if we stay more years together.,we are still staying together though.
        I have learnt a lot from this , people change only if they choose to, it is getting worse and I am happy I am stronger everyday, finally I will call it a day. I am sorting myself out for rainy days.
        LET US BE STRONG LADIES THESE MEN ARE NOT WORTH IT FOR ANYONE AND THEY WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED NO MATTER WHO THEY HAVE. MAYBE ROBOTS WITHOUT FEELINGS WILL DO FOR THEM.

        VIVA LA LADIES

  14. My fiance & I are both late 50’s, both look & act years younger than our age & have been together 3 years. It was probably after the first year together when I became aware of his ogling, flirting & making eye contact with women….wherever we go…grocery store, library, concert….he seems to scope out the area for women, particularly young women. I started bringing it to his attention. He denied profusely, said I was crazy, imagining things. I would let a lot of it go, partially because I had shared all this with my best friend who said “well, it’s YOU he wants, and YOU he comes home to and all men do it anyway”. Sorry, but not only do I not believe that, but I find it most unacceptable
    I did some research & found it is a HUGE problem in many relationships. And I was definitely feeling similar feelings when it occurred. I’m a confident, very attractive, self-sufficient women, so I definitely do not blame myself for the insecurity in this area, but when he does that behaviour, I feel a little bit less me & wonder if he imagines sex with these younger women with perfect young bodies (i could & would never compete with these women). I confronted him about how it makes me feel when he does this &, as always, I felt like he was never going to own up to it.
    Very recently, I showed up at his part time job, at a sandwich truck, to surprise & chat with him. As I was walking almost into his field of vision, I heard him laughing, joking & flirting with a girl of about 20. As she walked away, his eyes never left her body (and he said goodbye to her & spoke her name!!). Then he said to his co-worker “damn, look at that. Today I realize I’m an old man”. Ugh, just the thought of hearing him speak that way makes me a bit nauseous! I immediately made sure he saw me & said “really?” and then left. Later that evening, it was big discussion time & many conversations & tears, he finally admitted that he’s been doing that his whole life & never meant to hurt me by doing so. He said he doen’t think of the women sexually & just looks (I certainly don’t believe that). He finally admitted he would go to counseling though that hasn’t happened yet. This will definitely be a dealbreaker for me because I refuse to be disrespected & made to feel bad about myself, but we’ll see what goes on with counseling.

    • Update on my former post. We finally started counseling 2 weeks ago & first visit went well enough though it was just laying out the problems. 2nd visit not the case. The counselor asked me what I think I need to do to forgive & move forward from this. I did nothing wrong yet I somehow feel as tho I’m being punished!! Both my man & I were crying at various points this visit & I just can’t shake the feeling of emptiness that’s taken over me. He finally admitted, after much denial, that he DOES look at women sexually though still doesn’t know why. Shouldn’t THAT be the focus of the counseling rather than me seeing my way past it??? Am I just plain crazy? Perhaps.

      • Linda; you are right. You need to see a CSAT therapist who has the right training. You can find one on http://www.sexhelp.com. Blaming the partner should never be part of it!

      • I wish mine would go to therapy… But that’s not happen….I either got to put up with it and be miserable be alone and be miserable….I the best of luck

  15. I have just recently realized my fiancé has the same ogling problem as described. He will scan wherever we are, settling on whichever eye candy he detects. We met at a gym, and unfortunately he takes many group exercise classes and they are all women. Fit, young, half dressed women. I’ve always wondered about men who take these classes and feel they are just there to ogle and later supply fantasy material. He is very social and talks to everyone at the gym and for sure the pretty girls. I have talked him about it and he denies it of course. I don’t think for a second he would cheat on me (prostate removed so can’t get an erection, although there are other forms of cheating). It makes me feel nervous and anxious to even be around him in public anymore. Whenever I see him do this (and its many times a day), it makes me feel about an inch tall and is destroying my ego. He great I every other way but reading these comments really validates my feelings. I am started therapy next week to work through this..is it my insecurities or is he an insensitive cad? I am 67 and he is 72. Crazy huh?

    • I am so grateful to read all your posts. Everyone on this page. I just made a decision to leave my boyfriend of 3 months. I noticed him ogling and standing way too-close-for-comfort to young girls in crowded elevators and when boarding public vehicles. I live in Hong Kong. It got so bad that I could not go out with him. With his baseball cap on, he’d be eyeing young girls (mostly thighs and bottoms), especially when he’s driving. I’ve even had bad thoughts and hope he gets in an accident because he cannot pay attention to his driving. I know, I dislike myself immensely for these thoughts and feelings. He’s 67, I’m 60. (He looks 55 , I look 45 and we both work out). It’s not easy to leave him as we are so compatible in many other ways. We end up in his apartment all the time, as it’s impossible for him not to twist his head , zone out when he sees young meat. He says he knows this and he has tried to stop but somehow I believe that this addiction is too powerful now and he just can’t help it. I feel very sad as apart from this, we could have such a good life together. Being 60 and over, I’d had thought that we could spend our twilight years together. Oh, and he is sent pictures and videos of nude girls daily by his ‘friends’. It’s like he didn’t get enough when he was young and now he’s compensating for lost time. As to sex, he’s pretty flaccid most of the time and can’t keep it up much. After watching porn, he’s more able…but again , loses it after a while. So, yes, I think watching porn excites him more and knowing that doesn’t help my feelings of disgust and insecurity.

      Thank you for listening and for sharing. We need support on this very real and I would imagine, ‘new’ problem as girls have never dressed so skimpily and looked so good til these past 10 years, imho.

      • Please watch the TED talk called “your brain on porn”

        • My heart goes out to you

  16. I notice here, as is normal, women are discussing what men are thinking. The question on my mind is, ‘why don’t men discuss this. Why don’t we speak for ourselves?’ I hope this question doesn’t go away. I don’t think I can answer it, but I believe that women have a part in this dynamic and men do. For myself, I don’t feel safe talking about this with pretty much anyone. I struggle with where my eyes go in public. But my previous (and perhaps future) partner and I hadn’t developed enough trust to talk about it. Is that on me? Sort of. So I’m working on it.

    • At least you admit to having a problem and are trying to work in it…. I can even mention to my boyfriend here denies her had a problem and gets all mad if I mention it… Keep working on it…

    • The problem continues because there are no consequences.

      Many women are brought up with this ‘boys will be boys’ mentality and are told that they are insecure, have low self-esteem or even arrogance.

      What these women (and men in some cases) need are personal boundaries. Ogling etc is disrespectful and if people do it the wives/girlfriends/partners should take action and not put up with it.

      Yes these men will deny it or get angry but if the women simply walk away or take some other action, the message comes across that this behaviour is not acceptable. Not from anyone.

      It’s not a reflex, addiction or anything else. It is a habit and should be seen as such.

      • It is so unfortunate. Men have been conditioned that their behavior is not that bad, short of penetration. Women don’t want to lose the relationship and most do believe “Boys will be Boys.” When a woman lays down consequences these days the man will think she is crazy and go find someone that will put up with it. My husband used to gaslight me when I knew something was up and gas light me into believe I was jealous. No I see he just got tired of the pretty brunette he married very quickly and was ready to feed his ego with anyone that would flirt or look back at him. He also fulfilled his ego needs by watching these pre adult sex slaves have sex on film. All the women in the world would have to get on board and say “NO MORE.” Sex Addicts only respect their wives boundaries until they feel safe again and the cycle starts all over until they get caught or push the wife too far. It gets very complicated when children, family, finances and careers are intermingled. The only way to draw boundaries is to decide to be alone because I have met few men that respect their wives boundaries about porn, flirtation and staring.

  17. I have read through these replies by so many women. It is so sad, especially with the couples in their late 60’s and 70’s. I have been married to a very kind, loving, wonderful father sex/porn addict for years. He has worked on it on and off. I have know my husband for 35 years, married to him for 29. I was naive. I was beautiful and so was he when we came together. I had known him as a friend for years and knew of some of his dalliances, but until we got engaged and and had full disclosure I had no idea of what he was like. I was so in love I couldn’t run, those endorphins kept me there. He was wonderful with my 3 year old son and he treated me like the most beautiful, special, intelligent human being on the planet. I was swept away. He admitted to sleeping with his best friends wife, years before and inappropriate relationships with attractive female cousins (as a mid 20’s adult). He said, he had always been in love with me and couldn’t believe he had a chance. I never dreamed of marrying him and thought we would just have a fling. The sex was very hot! My unavailability and failure to commit made me sexier to him. He wrote poetry of the universe bringing him the “One and only.” Switching from best friends to lovers was incredibly hot! He kept asking me to marry him, I told him if he could be faithful and still be in love in 3 years I would marry him. I had a child from a prior relationship and saw the need to be less casual about our relationship. He did everything right and we had a romantic little wedding with all of our romantic songs. A rainy honeymoon, where we didn’t leave the room. Strangely great sex and me studying for an Accounting exam. ONE month into our relationship I made an overture late at night. He turned me down. I went to sleep and woke up and he was not in bed. I walked into the bathroom and he was sitting there masturbating to my swimsuit catalog. I was deeply hurt. The chase was over, he caught me and was no longer interested. I almost left him. He begged me not too and has a remarkable way of making it up to me and making me feel loved over time (Even though I feel like a rejected piece of shit at the time). I continued school, got promoted at work, took care of my son and was always trying to be fit and sexually available for this jack ass. Little did I know this was going to be a cycle over and over in our lives. I got an STD at year 2, he blamed my ex husband because it was one that can be dormant. I finished my work out and ask the chump while watching bikini babes on TV if he appreciated the fact I keep fit and attractive. He stated “It was the law of diminishing returns.” Why didn’t I leave then? I feel most men are flawed in this respect. It isn’t right, it is WRONG!!! However, I love him and didn’t want to be alone raising a child. He is a good Father of (my son now 33 and our daughter now 25). We had wonderful family times!. I will only mention two specific most hurtful times even though the list goes on and on. Flirting with waitresses and over tipping them or following an attractive women into the grocery store and finding an excuse to go to the isle where she is shopping, all in my presence and with my knowledge. The two most hurtful events I have never gotten over are: 1) I could sense our distance and wanted to feel closer 4 years into marriage, we scheduled a date night. We went to a popular restaurant and had to wait in the bar. I went to the ladies room and came back and he was sitting at the bar with two women that bought him a drink. The women saw us come and staged the drama. I gulped it down for my pride (or lack of) and waited for a table. At the table I was furious and felt so sad our night out was usurped by two offshore, lonely wives, playing games and my husbands ego was so huge it barely fit at our table. 2) I have to travel a few weeks for meetings out of town with my job. I always hoped the absence would make him miss me, it only made him celebrate with porn and God knows what else. One night our 9 year old daughter called me crying, I was a four hour flight away. She said “Dad went out to walk the dog and never came back.” She called him on his cell, he wouldn’t answer. I called him multiple times and he didn’t answer. I got that little noise letting me know he was talking to someone else. I continued to call, he continued to ignore. My daughter called and said, “Dad is down on the corner on the phone laughing and talking with someone. I surmised from this that he was having a conversation that he could not have with my daughter around and that person on the phone was a flirt that he couldn’t lose momentum with, he wanted to close the deal and meet up while I was out of town. My calls half way across the country were not important. I roomed with a coworker at the hotel and didn’t want to let her know what was happening. I left for my evening meeting, we didn’t get a chance to talk. I had a sleepless night thinking our marriage was over and the he was cheating. I was most furious because he left our child behind. I had a migraine the next day after taking test and listening to speakers. I couldn’t talk the next night. The plans were to have he and our daughter join us in SF. They showed up on Friday. I couldn’t have this fight in front of our daughter, we had a small apartment on Nob Hill and she could hear everything. Another occasion where I stuffed it down. Now here we are almost 30 years of marriage. I realize I have 30 stories just like the one above, but he made up to me so well and gaslighted me into believing he wasn’t misbehaving. I believe he loves me and the family. I know there are a number of women that would have taken him, if he had left me. I stuffed it and was too busy to acknowledge how bad it was while my son was going through his first rehab and wanted to make sure our boy crazy daughter made it through high school and into college without getting pregnant. Now here we are alone, I have no distractions. We are traveling, having wonder adventures and I still see glimpses of him flirting with women. Going out on a sailboat with a group for 9 hours and talking only to a young woman in a bikini that keeps announcing how she prefers older men. I want better for ME, I don’t want to stuff it down any longer. I don’t want to move to high rises where there are young pretty women. I know he will time his comings and goings to when attractions come and go. How many women has he led to believe that he is available sexually for affairs? Has he had affairs. I do love him coming home to me at night, having a wonderful dinner, discussing art, politics, travel and watching our favorite television shows. I know I could never find anyone else that I have this much to talk about with. I just can’t put up with his EGO serving, Narcissistic porn.women addiction. Sexually, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him

    • All of this was triggered now two weeks ago, with him making some drunk confessions about leaving our daughter alone to go buy porn. The story kept changing as far as times and activities. The middle of the night trip to buy porn, with our child at home incensed me!!!! What the hell!!!

      • Hi, I am 38 and my husband of 21 years is 39. I have always looked much younger and have always been told how beautiful I was. People would ask my husband how he got me and he always seemed happy to hear this. 1 year into our marriage I heard he was cheating with a younger, very un attractive girl. Of course he denied and the girl was lying and I believed. 8 years into our marriage, and right after the birth of our 3rd child, I started hearing he was cheating again , again with a trashy, un attractive girl and the girl was talking about it and about how stupid I was. he denied and said that the girl wanted him and she was making up rumors because he didn’t want her. Wanting to believe I again stayed with him because he begged and cried and denied. 2 years later, he left his computer email up and I found he was talking to girls on Craigslist. He begged and pleaded and stupid me I stayed. A few years later I was at work and started receiving calls, voicemail left by, yet again another trashy in attractive girl, stating filthy things and that she was seeing my husband. My husband denied and told me to call the police on her, so I did. The harrasment eventually stopped. Stupid me, he again manipulated me and I stayed. 2 months ago, our 15 year old daughter, was looming thru his computer and found, videos of unsuspecting women, which he was recording in parking lots, grocery store, everywhere. I confronted him and he at first tried to deny but then fessed up. He said he didn’t know why he did it. Ive finally had it and told him I want a divorce. He keeps coming around, while I’m at work and doing things around the house thinking he will again get me back. He’s been calling my parents, and saying he doesnt want to lose me and telling our child he wants me back. on one hand I want to keep my husband but on the other I know he will never change. I’m tired of being lied to and made to feel less than and don’t want to go any longer being lied to. I am so hurt and emotionally drained.

  18. Sorry, i am adding to my previous post. Hi, I am 38 and my husband of 21 years is 39. I have always looked much younger and have always been told how beautiful I was. People would ask my husband how he got me and he always seemed happy to hear this. 1 year into our marriage I heard he was cheating with a younger, very un attractive girl. Of course he denied and the girl was lying and I believed. 8 years into our marriage, and right after the birth of our 3rd child, I started hearing he was cheating again , again with a trashy, un attractive girl and the girl was talking about it and about how stupid I was. he denied and said that the girl wanted him and she was making up rumors because he didn’t want her. Wanting to believe I again stayed with him because he begged and cried and denied. 2 years later, he left his computer email up and I found he was talking to girls on Craigslist. He begged and pleaded and stupid me I stayed. A few years later I was at work and started receiving calls, voicemail left by, yet again another trashy in attractive girl, stating filthy things and that she was seeing my husband. My husband denied and told me to call the police on her, so I did. The harrasment eventually stopped. Stupid me, he again manipulated me and I stayed. 2 months ago, our 15 year old daughter, was looming thru his computer and found, videos of unsuspecting women, which he was recording in parking lots, grocery store, everywhere. I confronted him and he at first tried to deny but then fessed up. He said he didn’t know why he did it. Ive finally had it and told him I want a divorce. He keeps coming around, while I’m at work and doing things around the house thinking he will again get me back. He’s been calling my parents, and saying he doesnt want to lose me and telling our child he wants me back. on one hand I want to keep my husband but on the other I know he will never change. I’m tired of being lied to and made to feel less than and don’t want to go any longer being lied to. I am so hurt and emotionally drained. Onyol of all this he is aa myter who wants everyone outside of wants everyone else to rely on him and think he’s some kind of Savior. Maybe because his parents and whole family have always expected it and he can’t say no to anyone but our kids and I. Also our kids can’t stand him because he’s never shown them real fatherly compassion and love, except when he’s around others.

    Reply

    • Just wanted to say good luck to all those women having to find the courage to say enough and let go of men like this. I am a gay man struggling to let go of a gay partner just like those men you have written about, except of course he objectifies other men. I have given up on “sorry”. How can you believe sorry after seven yeras when the hurt goes on and on and on. Get the hell out girls!

      • Hi Adam, I’m really sorry to hear what you are going through. People like this, men and women of whatever background and sexuality are sick and we are sick when we stay and become co-dependant. There is nothing we can do to ever make these people stop or change except completely exhaust ourselves and be continuously hurt by their deep disrespect and absence of love. Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done and it’s taken me 5 months to get out of the mourning fog phase and just emerging from the depression phase. I’m fully grieving and embracing that. I’m really taking a look at myself, boundaries, control, self-fulfilment and facing my self. My husband is on his way to Asia this Saturday for a vacation, we never went on a vacation like that, just worked. But could you imagine, imagine the hell I would go through there with him. Right now my motto is “if you can’t be grateful for what you have, be grateful for what you escaped”~ Iman! Gratitude for what I have will come later. I’m leaving my town as I have lost my home, business, marriage, cat and family life due to his continued behaviour. His current behaviour in our community is not something I can stomach or stick around for, I can face this with grace and dignity but not here anymore. I can already feel the peace with moments I have been away house hunting. Good luck, it’s the hardest thing to leave and face yourself. I hope YOU can find happiness in the future with someone deserving of your immense time and love.

  19. I am 47 and my partner of 2 years is 62.
    He ogles women all the time, mostly young women under 30. Not only ogling, but commenting to me about how beautiful or stunning they are, or a body part. It’s degrading and embarrassing. I’ve raised the issue with him a few times. He apologises. Last week we went out for dinner and his head was turned towards a young woman sitting at the next table, staring at her, commenting that he didn’t think she had a bra on, and her long legs and more. He doesn’t try to hide what he thinks at all! I just wanted to get in a taxi and go home. I don’t even enjoy being out with him in public anymore because he will be looking at a woman while I am mid conversation with him! Even if a waitress is nearby or leaning over serving drinks or food at a table, his eyes will be all over her. On a plane he is ogling the flight attendants. Watching tv he comments about young attractive women. Constant sexual visual objectification of women! It disconnects me from any intimate feelings I have for him when he behaves so immaturely and inconsiderate that I am in his company at the time. It makes me wonder about his integrity and how far he would take this ogling if I were not present.
    I stupidly thought that older men had better manners!

  20. This type of behavior is disrespectful and lacks any effort at self-control. Yes, it is an addiction and a compulsion. Unfortunately, our society propagates this type of behavior, i.e., all men do this type of attitude. We’re barely out of the dark ages with women’s rights, men being in charge, inequality, etc. Men have had higher incomes, etc. for a long time in our most recent history, and with the money brings the wine and sex temptation. You can’t eat a smorgasbord every day and it’s not healthy or balanced to think about sex all the time. Yes, everyone sees some one that is attractive at times but it shouldn’t be an obsession to stare at people. This is not normal respectful behavior. Exercise is a way to naturally feel good chemicals coursing thru your veins and provides a testosterone release. Men shouldn’t be so inconsiderate where they have to look every time and constantly stare. Boys should be taught how to behave properly. This terrible behavior is so accepted and cultivated that it’s rampant in our society. It’s not mature it’s not considerate and is abusive to a Mans partner. Maybe women should turn the tables? Give them a dose of their own medicine sometimes because talking doesn’t do the trick. They are just denying it or blaming their partner. Openly flirt with some one or act interested in some one and see what happens.

  21. My husband is in recovery going on six years now and I’ve got my own recovery program and group and therapist. Mostly the arguing we get into sadly involves his underlying narcissistic personality doisirder.it is severe and complete.

    We had not gone on a vacation in ten years due to his behavior out in public (voiyeuristic, fantasy based addiction. His template is the staring and filing images away for sex later he has not ever pursued other women)…we went on one last week. It was great. We had sex a few times and some of it set off triggers for me and I’m not pleased with how I handled it(or didn’t rather)….
    We were on the second of three planes home. Our seats were not together, -‘and I opted to watch a movie on my iPad. which I had let him use to take his own photos.he wanted to be able to share the trip experience with his group members.
    So I’m in the calm dark plane, movie ends and I decide to see what HE took pics of , feeling happy at the thought that he might start to be interested in photography like I am. Suddenly there’s image after image of dirt, of the ground, over and over..and then two fu front/face pictures of a woman dressed “in e erciseclothes” as he always says…then there’s close ups of her legs, thighs down,seemingly running past him, right in front of him, and one of her body from the front waist down.
    I was so stunned I gasped. The man next to me asked me if I was alright. I got up and went to the rest room which was right by his seat. I grabbed him hard on the back of his neck and told him what I’d found and ofcourse he looked shocked! I’ll point out that there wS no one in the seat next to him so he could have moved over and asked me to get the iPad and bring it back.
    Nope. Nothing.
    We deplaned at our next transfer and he sat there flubbering and flustered with a big story about suddenly realizing at that point of photo taking that there was a continual clicking of the camera and even though it was closed over it was still taking pictures. He’d been using it for three days by then and that hadn’t happened yet? Please.
    The other part of this hot mess is that while he was taking these pictures “of the view” I couldn’t find him. We had become separated and matter of fact he had climbed down s little hill , most likely following her. The two photos of her face showing? She looked scared. Like what is this old man taking my picture.
    I’m a wreck. But not in a self damaging way. He is so obviously lying. Gaslighting is alive and well.
    I doubt his sobriety. Only two rules in SA: no sex with anyone but your spouse and no madtutbating. I think he’d just a clever sick son of a bit h and I just cannot find my way to. Elieving thetes any explanation other than what I believe he did. He will still and always go to the lie. We are 64 years old. But how the hell do I stay with no respect for me? I’m sick to my stomach and just want to leave.

  22. Obviously I must be desperate for advice since I’m here, reading this, and posting this, and I don’t know if anyone even frequents this site or post…but here I go.

    I’m engaged to be married soon. The man I’m marrying is an old friend, someone I’ve known for 20+ years. We’ve been together for 2 yrs. My situation might be unique due to the fact that my fiance has a criminal background involving sexual offenses including peeping tom, stealing women’s underwear, and nearly assaulting a woman. This happened 14 yrs ago and has not offended since, or at least hasn’t been caught.

    He’s wonderful to me….calls me beautiful, does sweet things for me, has never been verbally or physically abusive, we’ve rarely even argued. So my problem? He ogles. Not a few second glance at a woman, but a full on turn his head stare for a full minute of ogling. Examples:

    1) One day while driving down the road (he’s driving) a young woman was jogging in a sports bra and tight running pants. He follows her with eyes, then turns his head until he can’t turn it any longer, then continues to stare in the rearview mirror. I said something to him and he said he was looking at her pants.
    2) At my son’s pool party (he’s 8) a woman was there in a black bikini and he actually grunted his approval and couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.
    3) Walking out of a restaurant last evening he was holding the door for all of us but didn’t follow us out. When I turned to see what was keeping him, he was holding the door with his butt and leaning forward to see over the partition to look at some woman’s butt in yoga pants bent over a table, then when she was done, as we walked by, he looked in again to check out 2 girls sitting by the window.
    4) His Facebook was nothing but playboy and half dressed woman and all the photos he liked were of half naked/bikini clad woman.

    This is just a FEW of the instances since it happens on almost every outing. As time to the wedding gets closer, I’m becoming more anxious about his behavior and wondering if this is really acceptable or if I’m right to think he’s out of line or maybe still has problems with his addiction and hiding it? He has admitted that he masturbates often (daily at one point) but I don’t know if or how often he watches porn

    • Hi F, everything your fiancé has done my boyfriend turned husband did and does. These behaviours emerged when the bloom left the rose after the la la period. I found out later that he was at the bar all the time and picking up women prior to us getting together. As I wasn’t in that world I didn’t know. Now that we have broken up he is back at it. He is a narcissist at home and work. What I found is these behaviours never changed and it was the lying and lack of trust that hurt the most. He chose these behaviours over our marriage, family, business and house. He tried his hardest at one point to be “with” me but was unable to, as I was standing in his way to his addiction ultimately he turned passive aggressive, emotionally abusive and unkind. He lied constantly. His behaviour post break up is out of control sexually. What I realized is that our life was chaos, my emotions were chaos, his current involvement with women in the community is causing drama and chaos. He still gives me the silent treatment and refuses to talk about it, he has ghosted me from his life and our business. So I removed myself from the game and I’m starting to get my life back in a new community.

      Listen to your gut intuition, if this behaviour is happening now and he is in denial will it change once married? I always hoped so and it was never so, our relationship degraded quickly to a point where he didn’t bother to pretend anymore and refused to go anywhere with me. He wanted to go out alone so he could put himself out there. There is nothing wrong with being who you need to be, you just have to be on the same page. I will never be enough for him, no woman will ever be enough, 20 year olds get older and there is always a new woman to sexually objectify. My husband was unable to be honest about it and we lost a lot that we built together. I found out that he is no strings attached seeking sex through craigslist ads. This is not the life for me, I had to leave to move on as he was constantly rubbing it in my face to show how successful and wanted he is. The thing is I never wanted anyone else, just him. It’s him that wanted multiple women and to get away with anything he pleases. He is just not the monogamous type but that doesn’t excuse his deplorable behaviour towards me.

      Can you go to a counsellor or call the crisis line for help? If you are unable to talk with him honestly about it that is a big red flag.

    • I also forgot to ask you if he has been in therapy to overcome his criminal sexual behaviour? If not, he may offend again.

      “My situation might be unique due to the fact that my fiance has a criminal background involving sexual offenses including peeping tom, stealing women’s underwear, and nearly assaulting a woman. This happened 14 yrs ago and has not offended since, or at least hasn’t been caught.”

      • He did while incarcerated but not since he’s been out. I’m so sorry that you have to live in that situation, I can’t imagine what that must feel like. Thank you for your input and take care!

    • I know exactly what you’re going though. He will never get better and the harm done to us mentally is soul destroying. My phone or email is available if you would like it.

    • GET OUT NOW AND DON’T LOOK BACK! I’m serious. I’ve been married for 32 years to a man who told me shortly after we were married that “I’m married, not buried”. I was 22 and naive and didn’t know any better. I pretty much accepted that as normal and didn’t bother noticing him looking at others until four years ago when I saw him ogling young high school girls. Good thing he does not work at a high school – thank God!!! When I bring up his ogling, somehow he always turns it on me, saying I have mental issues. He’s abusive, both verbally and mentally. He even punched me in the mouth when our oldest daughter was two – but again, that was my fault he claims, because he was verbally assaulting me and I tried to make him stop. Anyways, it does not get any better so leave now and run fast!!!

  23. My partner of 15 years, has a porn addiction, gambling addiction… Scans for other women whilst out and about with me,ive confronted him but I always get an excuse I wasn’t looking and then usually I get told I’m insecure and jealous… my confidence and self esteem completely shattered.

    • He doesn’t talk about these issues though, as he feels it’s me who has issues, few weeks ago he said I was bipolar to the point where I actually questioned myself… He has made up secret accounts clears his history on phone, acts completely different when I’m not with him… I wish he would talk with me but he’s a closed book, I don’t know what to do

    • I want to give thanks to my Dr Mack who brought back my Husband, My Husband departed from me for 6 years ago but when i got in contact with Dr.mac@yahoo. com, i told him my worries and how terrible i feel loosing my husband, he said to me that he will restore marriage in 3 days, it was funny to me because i find it very hard to believe, i thought it was impossible but i had no other choice but to give a try, to my surprise, my husband called saying he wants us to come back together, it was like a dream to me, my husband came by the house after 3 days, apologizing to me, telling me how much he wants me back, saying he wants to love me till death and swore never to leave my side again, i am so excited about the whole thing.

  24. Hello ya this sound like my husband . He constantly looks at younger woman constantly on Facebook when I confront him he says I’m crazy an he isn’t doing nothing . He gets a hard in by tv or a quick glance. I’ve found porn sites on his phone porn hook upsites. I’m 32 an been with him for 14 years I don’t know what to do for like 7 month he was good then recently it started when he was in prison they labeled him skitz could that play a part .. what do I do will this change or do i just need to move on . I do love him but I’m done being 3rd best

  25. My husband cheated on his first fiancee, then his ex wife with multiple females before they got married. They still lived together as roommates after they separated. One night he got drunk and brought his coworkers fiancee to the apartment his ex was sleeping in. They had sex in the shower and his ex woke up, heard it and left in the middle of the night and stayed at her friends. It kills me what he is capable of!! That’s so evil!
    He has couple hundred porn videos and pictures saved on his computer, like a hundred porn links saved in his favorites, follows few hundred pages of fitness models and pages with hot females (he used to publicly ‘like’ their pictures till I told him he is embarrassing me and got mad; now he still looks but doesn’t ‘like’ them).
    I caught him watching porn in the morning when he didn’t know I was still home. He said some stupid excuse- that he saw some article on Facebook and had to look up the person they were talking about.
    I came home and smelled semen in the trash can- now he is more careful about how he disposes of the tissues I guess.
    He came back from a night out with his friend and I found him in the kitchen at 3am watching porn. He lied to my face and went to bed. I checked his computer history and he was indeed watching porn. Of course another excuse- he was looking up something and then somehow ended up watching porn and was too embarrassed to tell me.
    He looks at other women in public but is now pretty subtle… even though I still notice it every time a decent piece of ass walks by.
    Most of the time it takes him an hour to finish and sometimes he doesn’t finish at all. I’m guessing it’s because real sex is not as exciting as porn.
    He makes me feel ugly and unwanted. I’m in shape, I take care of myself, always care about my appearance and people tell me all the time how beautiful I am… but I guess that’s not enough for him.
    Of course I’m the one overreacting! He asks why am I so insecure! Why don’t I trust him!!! He says he won’t do anything because he doesn’t want to jeopardize what we have… That if I wasn’t enough he wouldn’t marry me. He says that but it’s only words- his actions tell a completely different story.

  26. My husband is in recovery now and swears that he will do anything to help me fix our relationship. I can’t help but feel that this is just a “BIG FAT LIE!”. I feel horribly betrayed by his behaviour towards me and when we try to open communication and I ask him why he states: ” I could not have you so I did what I did!”. Which I know is just pushing the blame onto me. He promised he would do anything for our relationship and literally 30 minutes after he swore to me he wanted our relationship he was looking down a young client’s top. I confronted him about it and he swore blind he did not. He made me feel like I was going crazy and I kept on confronting him about it until he finally did admit to me that he did look down he top and he had a crush on her as well. Moving forward to a few months later…We had an intimate moment and I opened myself up to him again on a Friday as we spent time together, which I thought was fantastic but low and behold the very next day. I was walking next to him taking the kids to the park on a hot summers day, I myself wore a low cut v neck dress which was slightly see through and I was right next to him when he clocked a young lady wearing a white top and he oogled her. I was standing right there!!! how could I not see it. But he says I did look but I didn’t stare I used the three second rule because i felt that it had the potential to trigger me to act out. He swears blind but then thats fine but it’s not like I was not standing next to him in something just as provocative so why did he divert his attention from our conversation to oogle????

  27. Need some help…. my boyfriend wants to go kayaking with a bunch of people… water bikinis girls whiny be a good day for me… his eyes and head will be spinning all day… my anxiety is sky high…. help suggestions…. he won be ogling every girl he sees.. young old, it won’t matter… could use some advice!

    • Sorry won’t be a good day.

  28. My wife and I went out on our 2nd Anniversary Saturday night. During dinner and drinks she brought it to my attention that I often look at other women. I did not deny it but told her it was more of a habit than anything and apologized. The next morning in our hotel room I woke up at 6 30 anxiety riddled. I felt so bad and so guilty and was shocked she had noticed. This morning I have been trying to find some help. I told myself I will never do it again. I do not want to be the guy that so many of you have referenced above.

  29. Do not fall for the men are visual, or it is just looking. My wonderful husband of 29 years started with just looking and ended up in a rat hotel with a parasite prostitute. Get out if he doesnt keep his eyes off any other women.

  30. My god what a bunch of feminazis and cuckolds inhabit this site! The feminazis demand loyalty of mind, body and soul. The cuckolds submit as they put their testicles on the mantle piece. Instead of rejoicing in sexuality you people are ashamed of it and insist that the only relationship that matters is where the sole object of desire and admiration is the person you live with. What a load of garbage.
    Where I live the old greek men drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and pass comments on the women passing. They laugh and keep walking.
    For any women who does not appreciate a whistle just remember there will be a day when the whistles will stop. So you will get what you asked for.
    My partner openly admires some men. Her girlfriends look at photos of hunky guys. No-one cares. If you are going to screw someone else you don’t need photos and admiring photos aren’t enough.
    My god, enjoy life you bunch of prudes and shrews and people with an apology of a life.
    I feel sorry for people so locked down in expectations of the perfect.
    Jeez.


Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published.