Chronic Sex Addiction Relapse: Letting Go Once and For All

Sometimes I feel as bewildered and frustrated as my sex addiction clients when they periodically slip up and engage in their addictive behavior, even as they seem to be making progress in their recovery.  (See also the excellent article by Dr. Patrick Carnes entitled “The Perfect Storm: Assessing for Sex Addiction”)

What is it that makes some recovering sex addicts continue to relapse frequently?  Why are some sex addicts seemingly unable to cut the cord?  I believe that beyond the question of “hitting bottom”, the process of letting go of an addiction is similar to the loss of a relationship and that some addicts get stuck at various stages of the grieving that loss.

Addiction as a relationship

The idea of an addiction as a relationship has been around for a long time.  Sex addiction, like addiction generally, has been defined as a primary relationship with a mood altering experience.  That experience may be a chemical such as a drug or alcohol or it may be an activity such as gambling or sex.  Whatever the chemical or activity, there is some evidence that the brain mechanisms involved in the addiction are all similar.

But beyond brain chemistry, brain alteration and changes in mood (excitement, euphoria, soothing), addictive activity is also something that develops like a relationship.  And the activity as well as everything leading up to it and surrounding it becomes like a friend or even a loved one.

This affection for our addictive activity is not entirely illogical.  For most addicts, their “drug” is something that they have relied on to regulate their emotions, escape stress, and even maintain their ability to function.  A porn addict I know once said “Miss January (his name for his addiction) is always there for me.”  It has served the addict well in some sense.  Yet it also has destructive potential and usually goes against the addict’s own value system.  Hence it is a relationship that needs to end.

In sex addiction treatment a commonly used exercise is that of having the client write a good bye letter, a “Dear John” letter, to his or her addiction.  In this letter the addict “breaks up” with his addiction, often acknowledging that the addiction was important, fun and will be missed.  This exercise underlines for the addict the fact that he or she is letting go of something important.  Whether it is giving up porn, prostitutes, compulsive hook-ups, or fetishes it is going to amount to a real loss.

Grieving the loss

All grief is about the struggle or process involved in coming to acceptance of a loss.  Loss is stressful.  In fact one definition of stress is “a loss or the threat of a loss”.  And so the loss of an addiction is stressful, challenging and potentially even traumatic.

Most sex addicts have a history of childhood relational trauma.  The drug, the “relationship” with a fantasy became a way to endure stress and to substitute something for what was missing in reality.  In dysfunctional families intimacy is fraught with danger and self doubt.  The addictive fantasy involved in much sexual acting out is one of being able to be gratified in a way that feels safe.

Getting stuck in the grief process and relapse

It is possible to get stuck at any point in the process of letting go.  Even once past the denial phase and even after acknowledging the need to let go of the behavior, there may be predictable stages of anger, bargaining, and depression.  A good example is the addict who knows that porn blocking software would hugely improve his chances of getting free of porn addiction but who either rebels against getting it installed, finds excuses, or finds ways around the filters.  I have seen clients use their GPS or their children’s devices when other outlets are blocked.  This addict is stuck in anger and possibly old rebellion against authority.  He or she is saying “you can’t make me.”

Bargaining can go on for a long time too.  The addict makes a deal with their treatment program that says basically “If I get XYZ then I will be able to let go of my addiction”.  This can mean that the addict is going to support group meetings, going to therapy, and reading all the right books but is not willing to experience change.  He is waiting for it to feel right to stop being an addict.  Or he is waiting for a “sign” or for a new relationship to save him etc.  The unpleasant reality is that in giving up the addiction there is nothing that will immediately take its place.  No way to avoid experiencing some sense of loss.

Some addicts go along way down the road to recovery but still can’t give up their addictive behavior completely.  They find that the loss of the addiction brings on depression.  They endlessly analyze why they have relapsed this time.  They feel they cannot tolerate stress or loneliness.  But there is no way to eliminate all of life’s stresses and challenges.  Eventually they begin to realize that they can experience unpleasant feelings without reaching for a drug.    This is the point in a sex addict’s recovery when he or she has turned a corner and is finally done with acting out.  They know it and you can see it.  They will come to acceptance and begin to be solid in their sobriety.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Too Good-Looking, Too Smart, or Too Rich (to give up Sexually Addictive Behaviors)

There is an old recovery saying that you can’t get sober if you are too smart, too rich or too good-looking.   Clinicians working with clients who have sexually addictive behaviors know that these attributes can sometimes present challenges.

I’m not saying that looks brains and money lead to sexually addictive behaviors but I can see some of the ways they might operate to prevent the addict getting better.

Narcissism

There is no longer any doubt that success (fame, money adoration) can cause what is known as “acquired situational narcissism.”  Narcissism is a false sense of self worth which can be bolstered and encouraged by massive amounts of positive feedback from others.  This feedback promotes narcissistic self-centeredness, lack of empathy for others and over-entitlement. (See also my blog Narcissism, Sex, Power and Herman Cain.)

Any sex addict can adopt a narcissistic defense system but the process is magnified if the person is rich, beautiful, etc.  The greater the narcissistic self-importance the greater the sense of being exempt from the ordinary rules that govern behavior.

If this superiority is constantly reinforced then the addict has a hard time getting a grip on reality.  His attitude is “I’m special, I’m allowed; even my flaws aren’t flaws.”

Masking shame

Most addicts feel some level of guilt or shame about their sexually addictive behavior.  After engaging in a behavior like repeated visits to prostitutes or sexual massage parlors or the wasting of hours on internet porn and masturbation most addicts go through a period of feeling let down.  They have engaged in an out of control behavior that they must keep secret and they soothe the feelings of self-loathing in any way they can.  Often they use other drugs to numb the feelings.

The problem for the rich successful or beautiful person is that they can use these assets as tools with which to numb or mask their negative emotions and restore their facade of self worth.  The more easily the addict can dodge the feelings of self-hate, the more easily they can avoid coming face to face with their own double life.

Normalizing sexually addictive behavior

Normalizing is one of the defenses invoked by most sex addicts but with the brilliant, beautiful or rich addict it is particularly useful in certain cases.  Take the guy who engages in repeated seduction, predatory flirting, workplace harassment or serial affairs.  If he is successful or good-looking he can much more easily excuse his behavior by saying “I can’t help it, women just come on to me—what am I supposed to do?”

In this case the special attributes can function to keep the addict in denial.  Special levels of status or achievement can be seen as justifying behavior which would be reprehensible in mere mortals.  “Beauty is life’s Easy Pass,” as a New Yorker cartoon put it.  Or in the words of Henry Kissinger, “Power is an aphrodisiac.”

Never hitting bottom

For the very good-looking, smart or rich addict can to a great extent use their special advantages to avoid or greatly minimize the adverse consequences of their behavior.  These attributes give them power and that power allows them to maintain the status quo.  They may never have to confront the reality of what is wrong with their way of life let alone what they have done to others.

The very smart, successful or powerful addict will have a hard time accepting the basic fact of his or her powerlessness over the addiction.  The very smart addict is used to relying on his ability to think his way out of a problem.  There is nothing he can’t solve.  Therefore he doesn’t need to rely on others, doesn’t need to take direction or work a program.  He’s got the answers, or so he believes.

Those around the addict face a dilemma

Attractive high-achieving people often do have many strengths.  Their intelligence, attractiveness and resources can be used in a positive way to help them overcome sexually addictive behaviors.  But as a therapist—or even as a friend, colleague or partner it is  important to notice when these traits are being used in the service of self-delusion and be prepared to confront the addict directly about it.