Ogling Other Women Can be a Real Problem for Partners of Sex Addicts

Ogling Other Women Can be a Real Problem for Partners of Sex Addicts

(Understanding how ogling affects partners and reinforces addiction)

Why do sex addicts ogle other women

Ogling can be part of a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior. For partners, it often feels confusing, hurtful, and destabilizing—especially when concerns are dismissed or minimized.

Many wives and partners of sex addicts complain of their partner ogling other women.  A man who can’t help staring at other women may be just a rude guy or his ogling may be part of a pattern of sexually compulsive behavior.  If you are the partner of such a man you will know that it is crazy making.  There are a million ways for a man to brush aside your concern and make you feel that you are overreacting.  It is “gaslighting” on steroids.

How ogling becomes part of sex addiction

I have worked with many sex addicts and their partners for whom ogling is a serious problem. By that I mean often the sex addict will be unable to stop looking at attractive women and will be using the images of sexy women he sees in passing as a way to be swept away, to feed a fantasy life, and to avoid the person he is with.

I saw one sex addict who admitted that he ogled in this way; that he looked at women “from the neck down”.  He was happily married yet he saw himself as being sexually compulsive in this one area.  He claimed he would do anything to stop because it hurt his wife so much.  When he couldn’t stop looking at another woman in a restaurant on his honeymoon it was a wake up call for his wife (and him).

The three second rule

(and its limits)

Sex addicts in recovery are told to follow the three second rule, meaning that although you can’t help glancing at or noticing someone, you can give yourself three seconds to stop looking.  At that point you can hopefully manage to redirect your thoughts away from sexual objectification and into seeing the person as a person (a student, someone’s daughter, etc.) and to wish them well.

One of the partners of sex addicts who wrote to me  challenged this idea.  Her partner is a recovering sex addict who ogles women.  She wrote:

“His comment to me about three seconds was that he rarely if ever looks that long because he wants to avoid discovery. He is very subtle about his looking, yet he is able to get a potent hit, even though his eyes only “flick” briefly onto a woman’s body. So basically, someone could look for under three seconds and get a potent sexual hit. In other words, it’s really not about the amount of time. It’s about the intent, the hunting, the feeding, the drinking in, the filling up.”

She describes also:

“…a different person I know who captures image impressions of women’s bodies and files them away mentally for later fantasy use. These also could be just very brief glimpses of someone’s cleavage or of someone in an every day position that is sexually titillating to the viewer.”

Why ogling reinforces addiction

This woman’s partner is not unusual.  Many sex addicts complain that they are helpless because there are just so many sexy women around and they can’t help looking at them.  And yet ogling can feed an addiction by adding to what some sex addicts call their “data base” of sexual imagery that they can call up at a later time to use for masturbation or even during sex.  It can feed what is essentially a stash of mental pornography even if they have been successful in giving up an actual pornography addiction.

One thing is for sure; if a man has already identified himself as having problematic, compulsive sexual behavior then his ogling is probably one of his array of sexually addictive behaviors.

What ogling does to relationships and recovery

Remembering images and having fantasies is not at all pathological in itself.  And to some extent the level objectification of women that is involved in ogling is an everyday occurrence in our culture.

But as I noted elsewhere, the American Psychological Association talked about ogling as one step along a scale:

“with sexualized evaluation (e.g. looking at someone in a sexual way) at the less extreme end, and sexual exploitation, such as trafficking or abuse, at the more extreme end.”

Sexual objectification of women (and men) is rampant in our culture and it is probably getting worse.  As a form of objectification, ogling may or may not be a dangerous trend, but can seriously interfere with a person’s ability to relate in an intimate relationship.

Ogling as a form of sexualizing and objectifying people is so common among sex addicts as to be almost universal.  And it can also provide a direct trigger to relapse in an addict who gets swept into fantasy.

For some sex addicts looking at women in a sexual way is part of their addictive ritual.  They feel deprived of sex, even rejected by the women they look at and this paves the way for them to escape into their other sexually addictive behaviors such as internet porn.

Is ogling voyeuristic

As I discussed in a prior post it may not be possible for most of us to tune out sexy women.  But sexual looking and sexual evaluation of strangers can be seen as unwanted and invasive in itself, quite apart form its impact on partners of sex addicts.  Some women may want to be looked at, but some may feel slimed or even violated by it.  And since the ogler has not way of knowing it’s best to assume that there is something uninvited and even potentially voyeuristic about it.

Understanding ogling and moving toward change

Ogling in the context of sex addiction is not simply harmless behavior. It can reinforce fantasy, create distance in relationships, and contribute to relapse patterns.

Learn more about sex addiction and recovery

If you want a deeper understanding of how these patterns develop and how they can change, Dr. Hatch explores these issues in more detail in her book

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Denial in Sex Addiction

Denial in sex addiction

(Understanding distorted thinking, dissociation, and relapse)

What is denial in sex addiction

Denial in sex addiction is a form of distorted thinking that allows the addiction to continue. It protects the addict from fully recognizing the impact of their behavior and makes it difficult to sustain awareness or change.

Denial in sex addiction is a form of distorted thinking. In fact it is a masterpiece of distorted thinking. Breaking through denial marks the beginning of addiction treatment. This is just as true for sexual addiction and behavioral addictions generally as it is for chemical dependency.

Why denial becomes so powerful

Without treatment, the set of ideas, rationalizations and beliefs that constitute a system of denial become more and more entrenched and tend to spread, becoming a world view which supports a deceptive and disordered way of life.

Even for a practicing sex addict, there are moments of clear-headedness when he or she suspects that they are engaging in a problematic or pathological pattern of behavior. But that awareness does not hold up. Why? Because denial is distorted thinking in the context of a semi-dissociated (i.e. “checked out”) state. The distorted thinking creeps back in when dissociation provides an opportunity. And the greater the awareness in recovery, the greater the dissociation needed to overtake it. But let’s begin at the beginning.

Denial during addiction

(Rationalization, minimization, and projection)

Addicts in the grip of an addiction have a set of beliefs that support that addiction. That is, beliefs which protect them from the need to examine their behavior. These can look absurdly deluded to a non addict. When challenged in any way, the practicing addict uses these ideas or “theories” to defend against the idea that they have a problem.

These may take many forms such as rationalization:

“It’s normal behavior”,
“It’s harmless”,
“I need it”,
“I have a high sex drive”,

or minimization:

“Everybody wants what I want”
“I’m not that bad”,
“I’m cutting down”,
“It’s not bad enough to need treatment”

or projection:

“So-and-so is the one with the problem”,
“I’m being judged unfairly”,
“My wife/husband makes me the way I am”

The practicing addict at this point is considered to be in the stage of “pre-contemplation” in the stages of change framework, meaning they have not even consciously contemplated the idea of change.

What leads addicts to question their behavior

Usually something rather dramatic happens to bring the addict to the point of contemplating change. The sex addict may be found out by a partner, lose a job, neglect a career, get/transmit a disease, become impotent in intercourse (as happens with many teen porn addicts) or get arrested.

At that point the addict may begin to suspect that the behavior is destructive and compulsive. But this dawning awareness is not enough to impact the addiction in the long run. Neurologically, addiction is a pathological form of learning. The distorted thinking which surrounds it provides a powerful undertow. If the crisis somehow passes without the addict getting some serious help, the behavior will return.

Denial in early treatment

(Why addicts resist help even after starting recovery)

The addict who has actually made an initial foray into treatment will often come up with a different set of distorted beliefs. These beliefs serve to justify the addict’s natural urge to escape from treatment.

These may involve ideas like:

“Maybe sex isn’t really an addiction”
“I’m not sure I belong in this kind of treatment”,
“Treatment is ineffective”,
“Treatment works for other people but not me”,
“I tried it once and it didn’t work”,
“I’m hopeless so why bother.”

In early recovery the addict tends to be in crisis. His or her world feels like it is crumbling and the addict is prone to extreme emotions. Emotionality can stand in the way of rational thinking and rational examination of the situation. With treatment, the addict’s delusional beliefs are challenged and he/she gradually replaces them with more reality based thinking and becomes more fully engaged in recovery.

Denial and dissociation in relapse

(Why awareness disappears and acting out returns)

Dissociation is a mental state in which some of our rational decision-making and impulse control functions are off line. What seemed like a terrible idea this morning can seem like a great idea tonight. What we rationally knew is no longer engaged; we are no longer mindful i.e. we are not present. And in place of rational self-awareness is a set of thought distortions that make no sense but which we are unable to critically examine.

The dissociated or semi-dissociated state then becomes the context in which the delusional thinking can lead the addict into acting out. This context is one in which decisions are not realistic, consequences are not considered and impulses reign supreme.

What situations increase risk of relapse

Some examples of the kinds of circumstances and thought patterns that lead to this dissociation and to “slips” and relapses might be:

Alcohol or drugs which lead to an altered “I don’t care” state. The higher centers being temporarily off line makes way for the distorted thinking and addictive behavior.

Being alone with no one around to inject a note of reality into the situation. In this situation pessimism and self put-downs can take over; the addict “forgets” that he has people he can call; he grabs for relief.

Being in stressful or unfamiliar situations such as business travel which can feel disorienting and threatening. This makes it difficult to hold onto a mindful, self-directed state. The addict may find it easy to slip into unreality.

Why mindfulness is critical in recovery

Dissociation is the opposite of mindfulness. Any situation which threatens the addict’s ability to return to a mindful, self-aware state can open the door to thoughts and behaviors that make no sense. Is it any wonder that the core mindfulness skills we stress so much in treatment are ones that must be practiced and reinforced even into the later stages of recovery?

Understanding denial and moving toward change

Denial in sex addiction is not simply resistance, but a complex system of distorted thinking supported by dissociation. Recognizing how denial operates is an essential step in breaking the cycle and engaging more fully in recovery.

Learn more about sex addiction and recovery

If you want a deeper understanding of how these patterns develop and how they can change, Dr. Hatch explores these issues in more detail in her book

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why Sex Addicts Avoid Intimacy

sex addicts avoid intimacy

(Understanding intimacy disability and emotional isolation)

Sex addicts often struggle with intimacy because of a deep fear of emotional closeness. This fear is usually rooted in early relationship experiences and leads to patterns of emotional withdrawal and sexual acting out. As a result, many addicts feel profoundly lonely even when they are not alone.

Why do sex addicts feel so lonely even in relationships

Addicts are profoundly lonely. They may be active and sociable; they may have friends. But in terms of the deeper emotional connection to a partner, they tend to keep themselves on a starvation diet. The loneliness of course is self-imposed. Addicts are not addicts because they are making up for the fact that they don’t happen to have a lover. Their addiction and their emotional isolation are both related to a deep fear of intimacy. It has always been striking to me that they should suffer so much in their alienation.

Childhood issues

(How early experiences shape fear of intimacy)

I find that most often sex addicts are not aware of how fearful they are about intimate relationships. They have most likely come from families in which they received inadequate or inappropriate forms of connection with adults. Without realizing it, they have adopted a way of behaving based on fear and the avoidance of intimate connection.

I have heard many addicts tell me that as a child they felt ignored discounted, abandoned or invisible. This is their model of close relating; it is one of intense pain and stress. And this can be true despite the fact that their family life and childhood appeared outwardly “normal“.

Intimacy avoidance and sexual acting out

(Why sexual behavior can replace emotional connection)

Many sex addicts are using their addictive acting out behavior as a substitute for an intimate connection. Their addictive behavior provides an illusion of some kind of connection, reinforced by sexual gratification in a situation that is safe. Sexual acting out is emotionally safe because it requires nothing from the addict on an emotional level.

For the typical sex addict, this way of finding gratification without intimacy is not a matter of wanting to be selfish and controlling, although that is how it ends up looking. But rather it is a way of finding an escape from negative emotions and achieving some gratification without having to experience intense discomfort and fear. Sometimes it is due to sexual inhibition and shame. Other times it is the fear of letting their guard down and feeling that they will inevitably be hurt. Or it involves feeling so unworthy and unlovable that they cannot feel free to be who they are. Usually it is a combination of the above.

How intimacy avoidance shows up in relationships

The intimacy avoidance that goes along with sex addiction shows up in relationships in a number of ways.

Avoiding sex

Sexual connecting in the context of an intimate relationship can be too difficult for an addict to do comfortably. Even if they are very attracted to their partner or would-be partner, they may try to create emotional distance. For example, they may be emotionally absent during sex or lost in fantasy, they may want to drink alcohol as a way to be less present during sex, or they may avoid sex altogether.

Avoiding physical intimacy

Sex addicts often come from families in which there was an absence of physical touching and affection. Thus they may feel that hugging, cuddling, etc. are awkward and uncomfortable. Some addicts were smothered by physical touching in an inappropriate way and they too may avoid physical affection due to feeling vulnerable.

Not being able to express their needs

Many sex addicts isolate themselves emotionally by avoiding letting the other person in on what they feel, need or want. This is a fear of being unworthy or of being rejected or hurt.

Being self conscious around people or in social situations

Often addicts substitute a role or facade for actually showing up emotionally. They may play a role, i.e. teacher, guru, performer, etc. with people instead of just being able to be who they are and take their chances.

Withdrawing into work or another addiction

Some addicts escape the demands of intimacy by becoming swallowed up in work or exercise or other hobbies that take them away from their partner and other potentially intimate contacts.

Fleeing intimate connection

Many addicts can enter a relationship but leave before it becomes too intimate. They may think this is a fear of commitment, or not the “right person”, when in reality they feel inadequate to the demands of a relationship and/or fear being abandoned by anyone they are close to.

Intimacy avoidance and loneliness

The same addict who is doing everything to avoid intimacy will often feel desperately needy and lonely. Sometimes the addict is aware of a longing for connection; other times the addict lives without intimate relating but doesn’t quite know what is missing or why they push people away. Isolation and loneliness can then become the excuse and the occasion for sexual acting out such as online sex, sexual massage parlors, prostitutes, etc. It is only in recovery that the addict can recognize his or her own lack of intimacy ability and begin to practice new behaviors to overcome their fears of being known and connected.

Understanding intimacy and moving toward change

Intimacy disability in sex addiction is not a lack of desire for connection, but a fear of it. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward change and toward building healthier, more connected relationships.

Learn more about intimacy and sex addiction

If you want a deeper understanding of why intimacy avoidance develops and how it can change, Dr. Hatch explores these patterns in more detail in her book

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why You Can’t Have a Real Relationship With a Narcissist

You cannot have a real, mutual relationship with a narcissist because their need to protect a fragile sense of self prevents genuine emotional connection, empathy, and reciprocity.

Basically, you can’t get close to a narcissist. A relationship with a narcissist will be a problem, and the more narcissistic they are, the more it becomes impossible.

Sex addicts and addicts generally are often described as narcissistic, but many non-addicts are narcissists as well. Trying to have a relationship with a true narcissist can be an extremely torturous and confusing experience.

The Continuum of Narcissism

Many psychological disorders are now being talked about as existing on a “spectrum,” that is, they are not like other diseases where either you have them, or you don’t. With spectrum disorders, the set of symptoms can range from very mild to very severe.

As I have discussed previously, narcissists at the mild end may be labeled as having narcissistic personality traits such as self-centeredness and vanity; those labeled as having narcissistic personality disorder will be mostly oblivious to the needs of others and will focus on maintaining a false and grandiose sense of self. At the outermost extreme, the narcissist becomes akin to a sociopath, feeling so over-entitled and so lacking in conscience or empathy that they are opportunists and even criminals.

Many sex addicts and other kinds of addicts have what is called a narcissistic defense system, that is, they have a façade of self-importance which merely covers a deep-seated lack of self-worth.

What to Expect in a Relationship With a Narcissist

Narcissists are cut off from others by their underlying insecurity, but they can become expert at manipulating people in order to draw them in. They can be habitually seductive as a way of finding validation and power in relating to people generally. They are fundamentally impossible to connect with in the following ways.

The Narcissist Needs You to Be Focused on Them

He or she may initially show great interest and appreciation for you. This is gratifying, but it is skin deep. It is done to get you to focus on them.

They may give lavish praise and compare you favorably to others; in this way they manipulate you into trying to keep their good opinion, thus becoming more and more focused on what they think about you (and everything else). You become unconsciously afraid to displease the narcissist or incur their disapproval.

The Narcissist Needs to See Anyone Close to Them as Special

The idea here is that the narcissist needs to feel he is wonderful and that he wouldn’t be seen associating with anyone who wasn’t wonderful too. He sees you as a reflection of his own specialness.

This does not really say anything about how he really feels about you. What is important to the narcissist is how you make him look to others and to himself.

The Narcissist Will Be Controlling and Demanding

You may feel constantly thrown off from what you were doing or thinking about because the narcissist will come at you with their needs and wants. Narcissists will have their own agenda most of the time. They will use their judgmental attitude, their scrutiny of you, and their strong opinions to enforce that agenda.

If you have already become involved, you may be sacrificing yourself in a million little ways and even feeling that your life has been taken over. This is a far cry from a real relationship, in which the partners’ lives together involve mutual decision-making and genuine listening.

Narcissists Become Volatile When Challenged

Since their façade of superiority is just a façade, the narcissist will be cut to the quick if they feel criticized in any way. Their first line of defense will be to discount and devalue whatever or whoever has pricked their bubble.

But they will be deeply affected and may harbor rage or resentment. This makes it impossible to express your true feelings or needs and to have them be heard.

Narcissists Withdraw When You Stop Feeding Their Narcissism

You may be unable to shake the feeling that the relationship is tenuous because it is. It is possible to puncture a narcissist’s false self very easily.

Since your worth to him or her lies in your ability to reinforce their self-image, you can become a hindrance if and when you stop mirroring their perfection.

When Narcissistic Traits Are Less Severe

Someone who has milder narcissistic traits is probably using their grandiosity as a defense, as is the case with most sex addicts in treatment.

In recovery, they can gain a stronger sense of self-worth and let go of the narcissistic defense system. With treatment, these people may be more able to connect to their insecurities, and you may find that they both want and have a genuine capacity for a healthy relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissism and Relationships

Can a narcissist really love someone?
A narcissist may appear loving, attentive, or devoted, especially early in a relationship. However, their need to protect a fragile sense of self makes it very difficult for them to sustain genuine empathy, emotional reciprocity, and concern for another person’s inner experience. What often looks like love is more accurately a need for validation.

Is there a difference between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder?
Yes. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Some people have narcissistic traits that function as a defense against low self-worth and insecurity. Others meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder and are largely unable to recognize or respond to the needs of others. The more severe the narcissism, the less possible a mutual, healthy relationship becomes.

Can a narcissistic person change with treatment?
People with milder narcissistic traits, including many sex addicts in recovery, may be able to develop insight, tolerate vulnerability, and form healthier connections through treatment. Those with more entrenched narcissistic personality structures are far less likely to change, as they do not experience their behavior as problematic.

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Intimacy Disability and the Loneliness of Sex Addicts

Addicts are profoundly lonely. They may be active and sociable; they may have friends. But in terms of the deeper emotional connection to a partner, they tend to keep themselves on a starvation diet. The loneliness of course is self-imposed. Addicts are not addicts because they are making up for the fact that they don’t happen to have a lover. Their addiction and their emotional isolation are both related to a deep fear of intimacy. It has always been striking to me that they should suffer so much in their alienation.

Childhood issues

I find that most often sex addicts are not aware of how fearful they are about intimate relationships.  They have most likely come from families in which they received inadequate or inappropriate forms of connection with adults. Without realizing it, they have adopted a way of behaving based on fear and the avoidance of intimate connection.

I have heard many addicts tell me that as a child they felt ignored discounted, abandoned or invisible. This is their model of close relating; it is one of intense pain and stress. And this can be true despite the fact that their family life and childhood appeared outwardly “normal“.

Intimacy avoidance and sexual acting out

Many sex addicts are using their addictive acting out behavior as a substitute for an intimate connection. Their addictive behavior provides an illusion of some kind of connection, reinforced by sexual gratification in a situation that is safe. Sexual acting out is emotionally safe because it requires nothing from the addict on an emotional level.

For the typical sex addict, this way of finding gratification without intimacy is not a matter of wanting to be selfish and controlling, although that is how it ends up looking. But rather it is a way of finding an escape from negative emotions and achieving some gratification without having to experience intense discomfort and fear. Sometimes it is due to sexual inhibition and shame. Other times it is the fear of letting their guard down and feeling that they will inevitably be hurt. Or it involves feeling so unworthy and unlovable that they cannot feel free to be who they are. Usually it is a combination of the above.

Intimacy avoidance in relationships

The intimacy avoidance that goes along with sex addiction shows up in relationships in a number of ways.

  • Avoiding sex

Sexual connecting in the context of an intimate relationship can be too difficult for an addict to do comfortably. Even if they are very attracted to their partner or would-be partner, they may try to create emotional distance. For example, they may be emotionally absent during sex or lost in fantasy, they may want to drink alcohol as a way to be less present during sex, or they may avoid sex altogether.

  • Avoiding physical intimacy

Sex addicts often come from families in which there was an absence of physical touching and affection. Thus they may feel that hugging, cuddling, etc. are awkward and uncomfortable. Some addicts were smothered by physical touching in an inappropriate way and they too may avoid physical affection due to feeling vulnerable.

  • Not being able to express their needs

Many sex addicts isolate themselves emotionally by avoiding letting the other person in on what they feel, need or want. This is a fear of being unworthy or of being rejected or hurt.

  • Being self conscious around people or in social situations

Often addicts substitute a role or facade for actually showing up emotionally. They may play a role, eg teacher, guru, performer, etc. with people instead of just being able to be who they are and take their chances.

  • Withdrawing into work or another addiction

Some addicts escape the demands of intimacy by becoming swallowed up in work or exercise or other hobbies that take them away from their partner and other potentially intimate contacts.

  • Fleeing intimate connection

Many addicts can enter a relationship but leave before it becomes too intimate. They may think this is a fear of commitment, or not the “right person”, when in reality they feel inadequate to the demands of a relationship and/or fear being abandoned by anyone they are close to.

Intimacy avoidance and loneliness

The same addict who is doing everything to avoid intimacy will often feel desperately needy and lonely. Sometimes the addict is aware of a longing for connection; other times the addict lives without intimate relating but doesn’t quite know what is missing or why they push people away. Isolation and loneliness can then become the excuse and the occasion for sexual acting out such as online sex, sexual massage parlors, prostitutes, etc. It is only in recovery that the addict can recognize his or her own lack of intimacy ability and begin to practice new behaviors to overcome their fears of being known and connected.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Predatory Flirting and Intriguing as Sex Addiction Symptoms

When I first heard the term “predatory flirting” in connection with  sex addiction symptoms I was taken aback. Predatory sounds like something criminal, but flirting seemed so normal and harmless. But the term describes a symptom, a behavior, which is characteristic of certain sex addicts.

Who engages in predatory flirting?

One type of sex addict, dubbed the Seduction Role addict by Patrick Carnes, is particularly likely to engage in a lot of flirting.  The seduction addict gets his “fix” by getting women interested in him sexually or romantically.  The seduction is everything.  One seduction sex addict told me that the real high was the first kiss.  After that he would begin to lose interest and start looking for the next conquest.

The related concept in describing sex addiction symptoms is “intriguing.”  Like flirting, intriguing is a way to create a feeling of private, personal intensity.  It is a way of establishing through some subtle means such as coded comments, private jokes or pointed eye contact, that you and the other person share a connection that no one else is a part of.

Other sex addicts whose preferred behavior is serial affairs have flirting and intriguing as sex addiction symptoms.  They may use flirtation as a way to line up their sexual supply.  They follow through with the sexual liaison but can only take things so far.  A real relationship is frightening and overwhelming.  The addict will find a way to end things and move on to the next affair.  Many serial seducers are married and are investing most of their sexuality in their secret life.

Sex addicts who are addicted to romantic seduction and affairs are driven by the need to constantly re-establish their attractiveness to the opposite sex.  They are as insecure as most other kinds of sex addicts and often feel that their sexual attractiveness is all they have to offer.  They fear that if they do not hook people sexually then there will be no reason for people to be around them.

What does predatory flirting look like?

Normal flirting is a casual and tentative way of initiating contact that may become romantic.  It is the first step in a possible courtship and lets someone know that we are potentially interested.  It involves saying things that are more personal, intense, suggestive or flattering than we would say to just anyone and then if there is a response, following up with real attempts to get to know the person better.

Smoke and mirrors

When it is predatory, flirting is intense but not sincere.  It is designed to capture the person’s interest and attraction but it is not backed up by any genuine interest.  Rather it is just a habitual way that the addict approaches anyone in a broad category of target people.  It is almost automatic, a default position which represents the addict’s safest way of relating.

Wholesale sexualizing

If you know the seduction sex addict well and you observe them flirting, you will see that they are rather indiscriminate in who they flirt with.  They want to captivate everyone, from the waitress to their mother-in-law.  Also, they will begin flirting right away with someone who is attractive looking even if they don’t know them and will never see them again.

Deniability

Another feature of the seduction addict’s predatory flirting is that it is eminently deniable.  It is throwing out a lure while and the same time pretending that there is no such thing going on.  It is suggestive of something but it is hard to pin down, and this vagueness is frequently a part of predatory flirting.

One type of predatory flirting involves being over-attentive or caring toward a woman.  This suggests that the addict has a real interest in her and also that he is a caring and generally good guy.  This may be a consciously seductive scheme or not.  But often the woman will get interested in this “nice” guy and approach him back only to be told that she has misinterpreted the situation.

Intensity without intention

The predatory flirter will throw out seemingly suggestive comments designed to create a feeling of connection with not other intention than to get the woman’s attention on him. I observed a seduction addict I know run into a woman whom he had seen once before somewhere.  She remarked that it was a coincidence to which he responded: “There are no coincidences.”  It is the initial stage of the empty seduction, the attempt to create a feeling of intensity without intention.

Why is this process predatory?

The addict’s lack of intention or ability to follow through in establishing a relationship with his target women are not just sex addiction symptoms in the abstract.  What the behavior means is that he is being exploitive and insincere.  He is using his ability to hook the woman into thinking he is interested in her when in fact he is using her to get an addictive hit, to make himself feel attractive.

This kind of seductiveness and compulsive flirting is a distortion of what flirting is really for.  It is a symptom of a problem that underlies most sex addiction: deep insecurity and the fear of intimacy.   Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Chronic Sex Addiction Relapse: Letting Go Once and For All

Sometimes I feel as bewildered and frustrated as my sex addiction clients when they periodically slip up and engage in their addictive behavior, even as they seem to be making progress in their recovery.  (See also the excellent article by Dr. Patrick Carnes entitled “The Perfect Storm: Assessing for Sex Addiction”)

What is it that makes some recovering sex addicts continue to relapse frequently?  Why are some sex addicts seemingly unable to cut the cord?  I believe that beyond the question of “hitting bottom”, the process of letting go of an addiction is similar to the loss of a relationship and that some addicts get stuck at various stages of the grieving that loss.

Addiction as a relationship

The idea of an addiction as a relationship has been around for a long time.  Sex addiction, like addiction generally, has been defined as a primary relationship with a mood altering experience.  That experience may be a chemical such as a drug or alcohol or it may be an activity such as gambling or sex.  Whatever the chemical or activity, there is some evidence that the brain mechanisms involved in the addiction are all similar.

But beyond brain chemistry, brain alteration and changes in mood (excitement, euphoria, soothing), addictive activity is also something that develops like a relationship.  And the activity as well as everything leading up to it and surrounding it becomes like a friend or even a loved one.

This affection for our addictive activity is not entirely illogical.  For most addicts, their “drug” is something that they have relied on to regulate their emotions, escape stress, and even maintain their ability to function.  A porn addict I know once said “Miss January (his name for his addiction) is always there for me.”  It has served the addict well in some sense.  Yet it also has destructive potential and usually goes against the addict’s own value system.  Hence it is a relationship that needs to end.

In sex addiction treatment a commonly used exercise is that of having the client write a good bye letter, a “Dear John” letter, to his or her addiction.  In this letter the addict “breaks up” with his addiction, often acknowledging that the addiction was important, fun and will be missed.  This exercise underlines for the addict the fact that he or she is letting go of something important.  Whether it is giving up porn, prostitutes, compulsive hook-ups, or fetishes it is going to amount to a real loss.

Grieving the loss

All grief is about the struggle or process involved in coming to acceptance of a loss.  Loss is stressful.  In fact one definition of stress is “a loss or the threat of a loss”.  And so the loss of an addiction is stressful, challenging and potentially even traumatic.

Most sex addicts have a history of childhood relational trauma.  The drug, the “relationship” with a fantasy became a way to endure stress and to substitute something for what was missing in reality.  In dysfunctional families intimacy is fraught with danger and self doubt.  The addictive fantasy involved in much sexual acting out is one of being able to be gratified in a way that feels safe.

Getting stuck in the grief process and relapse

It is possible to get stuck at any point in the process of letting go.  Even once past the denial phase and even after acknowledging the need to let go of the behavior, there may be predictable stages of anger, bargaining, and depression.  A good example is the addict who knows that porn blocking software would hugely improve his chances of getting free of porn addiction but who either rebels against getting it installed, finds excuses, or finds ways around the filters.  I have seen clients use their GPS or their children’s devices when other outlets are blocked.  This addict is stuck in anger and possibly old rebellion against authority.  He or she is saying “you can’t make me.”

Bargaining can go on for a long time too.  The addict makes a deal with their treatment program that says basically “If I get XYZ then I will be able to let go of my addiction”.  This can mean that the addict is going to support group meetings, going to therapy, and reading all the right books but is not willing to experience change.  He is waiting for it to feel right to stop being an addict.  Or he is waiting for a “sign” or for a new relationship to save him etc.  The unpleasant reality is that in giving up the addiction there is nothing that will immediately take its place.  No way to avoid experiencing some sense of loss.

Some addicts go along way down the road to recovery but still can’t give up their addictive behavior completely.  They find that the loss of the addiction brings on depression.  They endlessly analyze why they have relapsed this time.  They feel they cannot tolerate stress or loneliness.  But there is no way to eliminate all of life’s stresses and challenges.  Eventually they begin to realize that they can experience unpleasant feelings without reaching for a drug.    This is the point in a sex addict’s recovery when he or she has turned a corner and is finally done with acting out.  They know it and you can see it.  They will come to acceptance and begin to be solid in their sobriety.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Sex Addicts are Codependents Too

If you are a clinician working with sex addicts you may be struck by how often the addict is desperate to save their marriage or relationship.  Sometimes to the point of being so obsessed with holding onto their relationship that it interferes with their focusing on treatment.

It may not be immediately obvious why this is so.  Addicts appear to be focused mainly on themselves. Typically they:

-are sexually compulsive outside of the relationship

-are intimacy avoidant

-use coping skills which create distance

-lead a double life

We typically think of the spouse or partner of the addict on the other hand as the codependent:

-fearful of abandonment

-enmeshed and preoccupied with their partner

-emotionally constricted or volatile

-subject to self-doubt and insecurity.   

And yet most married sex addicts entering treatment (more often they are men but by no means always) exhibit exactly these signs of codependency. They may exhibit them more than their supposedly “co-addict” partners.

Origins of codependence

People who exhibit codependence have typically had some kind of stress or inadequacy in their relationship with their care-givers early in life.  This is sometimes referred to as “relational trauma.”  This early relational trauma causes the child to grow up with mistrust of those close to him and to be insecure and avoidant regarding relationships and sometimes regarding the world in general.

Instead of growing up with a strong internalized sense of self, the codependent survives childhood by using one or another “strategy” by which to adapt to a less than nurturing situation.  These strategies, like numbing out, distracting oneself, suppressing feelings, being over compliant, etc. take different forms depending on the kind of relational stress and the nature of the relationship with the parents. 

But bottom line, the development of the sense of self is impaired in an attempt to get the caregiver’s approval or love.  The codependent’s core belief is “my worth as a person depends on my value to someone else.”

In what way are sex addicts codependent?

Although sex addicts may have a façade, a “narcissistic false self” as it is sometimes called, they have typically grown up with some serious disruptions in their intimate relationships with caregivers.  This can take the form of abuse, but not always.   Often the parents of addicts are distant, repressed, rigid or disengaged. 

Patrick Carnes has pointed out that relational trauma is “a powerful factor in the genesis of addictions and compulsions.”  In Carnes’ theory the addict shares the same fears, mistrust and basic sense of unworthiness as a codependent.  The lack of a strong sense of self and of self worth underlies the intimacy avoidance of addicts and the tendency to medicate their fears with sex and to split their sex life off from their normal life.

The belief that they are unworthy and that they are only lovable to the extent that they can please someone else, can lead to the addict’s extreme fear of abandonment and rejection by the very partner that they have betrayed.

A passage in the Co-Dependents Anonymous “Big Book” states this point clearly:

“Since the very nature of existence is relationships, and I had a disease that precluded my ability to maintain healthy relationships, I began to see that I was pretty well screwed.

I think of the disease of codependence as a tree. 

The roots of the tree are my childhood abuse and neglect.  The branches are my acting-out behaviors I developed to cope with life.  Both the roots and the branches have to be healed (my italics). 

I cannot stop the acting-out without healing the damage that spawned the behavior, and likewise, I cannot work on the roots if I’m still medicating myself with my addictions.”

Understanding and working through these underlying early childhood issues will dismantle the unconsciously held core beliefs and allow for the emergence of a real self and real intimacy with another.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource