Ogling Other Women Can be a Real Problem for Partners of Sex Addicts

Ogling Other Women Can be a Real Problem for Partners of Sex Addicts

(Understanding how ogling affects partners and reinforces addiction)

Why do sex addicts ogle other women

Ogling can be part of a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior. For partners, it often feels confusing, hurtful, and destabilizing—especially when concerns are dismissed or minimized.

Many wives and partners of sex addicts complain of their partner ogling other women.  A man who can’t help staring at other women may be just a rude guy or his ogling may be part of a pattern of sexually compulsive behavior.  If you are the partner of such a man you will know that it is crazy making.  There are a million ways for a man to brush aside your concern and make you feel that you are overreacting.  It is “gaslighting” on steroids.

How ogling becomes part of sex addiction

I have worked with many sex addicts and their partners for whom ogling is a serious problem. By that I mean often the sex addict will be unable to stop looking at attractive women and will be using the images of sexy women he sees in passing as a way to be swept away, to feed a fantasy life, and to avoid the person he is with.

I saw one sex addict who admitted that he ogled in this way; that he looked at women “from the neck down”.  He was happily married yet he saw himself as being sexually compulsive in this one area.  He claimed he would do anything to stop because it hurt his wife so much.  When he couldn’t stop looking at another woman in a restaurant on his honeymoon it was a wake up call for his wife (and him).

The three second rule

(and its limits)

Sex addicts in recovery are told to follow the three second rule, meaning that although you can’t help glancing at or noticing someone, you can give yourself three seconds to stop looking.  At that point you can hopefully manage to redirect your thoughts away from sexual objectification and into seeing the person as a person (a student, someone’s daughter, etc.) and to wish them well.

One of the partners of sex addicts who wrote to me  challenged this idea.  Her partner is a recovering sex addict who ogles women.  She wrote:

“His comment to me about three seconds was that he rarely if ever looks that long because he wants to avoid discovery. He is very subtle about his looking, yet he is able to get a potent hit, even though his eyes only “flick” briefly onto a woman’s body. So basically, someone could look for under three seconds and get a potent sexual hit. In other words, it’s really not about the amount of time. It’s about the intent, the hunting, the feeding, the drinking in, the filling up.”

She describes also:

“…a different person I know who captures image impressions of women’s bodies and files them away mentally for later fantasy use. These also could be just very brief glimpses of someone’s cleavage or of someone in an every day position that is sexually titillating to the viewer.”

Why ogling reinforces addiction

This woman’s partner is not unusual.  Many sex addicts complain that they are helpless because there are just so many sexy women around and they can’t help looking at them.  And yet ogling can feed an addiction by adding to what some sex addicts call their “data base” of sexual imagery that they can call up at a later time to use for masturbation or even during sex.  It can feed what is essentially a stash of mental pornography even if they have been successful in giving up an actual pornography addiction.

One thing is for sure; if a man has already identified himself as having problematic, compulsive sexual behavior then his ogling is probably one of his array of sexually addictive behaviors.

What ogling does to relationships and recovery

Remembering images and having fantasies is not at all pathological in itself.  And to some extent the level objectification of women that is involved in ogling is an everyday occurrence in our culture.

But as I noted elsewhere, the American Psychological Association talked about ogling as one step along a scale:

“with sexualized evaluation (e.g. looking at someone in a sexual way) at the less extreme end, and sexual exploitation, such as trafficking or abuse, at the more extreme end.”

Sexual objectification of women (and men) is rampant in our culture and it is probably getting worse.  As a form of objectification, ogling may or may not be a dangerous trend, but can seriously interfere with a person’s ability to relate in an intimate relationship.

Ogling as a form of sexualizing and objectifying people is so common among sex addicts as to be almost universal.  And it can also provide a direct trigger to relapse in an addict who gets swept into fantasy.

For some sex addicts looking at women in a sexual way is part of their addictive ritual.  They feel deprived of sex, even rejected by the women they look at and this paves the way for them to escape into their other sexually addictive behaviors such as internet porn.

Is ogling voyeuristic

As I discussed in a prior post it may not be possible for most of us to tune out sexy women.  But sexual looking and sexual evaluation of strangers can be seen as unwanted and invasive in itself, quite apart form its impact on partners of sex addicts.  Some women may want to be looked at, but some may feel slimed or even violated by it.  And since the ogler has not way of knowing it’s best to assume that there is something uninvited and even potentially voyeuristic about it.

Understanding ogling and moving toward change

Ogling in the context of sex addiction is not simply harmless behavior. It can reinforce fantasy, create distance in relationships, and contribute to relapse patterns.

Learn more about sex addiction and recovery

If you want a deeper understanding of how these patterns develop and how they can change, Dr. Hatch explores these issues in more detail in her book

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Denial in Sex Addiction

Denial in sex addiction

(Understanding distorted thinking, dissociation, and relapse)

What is denial in sex addiction

Denial in sex addiction is a form of distorted thinking that allows the addiction to continue. It protects the addict from fully recognizing the impact of their behavior and makes it difficult to sustain awareness or change.

Denial in sex addiction is a form of distorted thinking. In fact it is a masterpiece of distorted thinking. Breaking through denial marks the beginning of addiction treatment. This is just as true for sexual addiction and behavioral addictions generally as it is for chemical dependency.

Why denial becomes so powerful

Without treatment, the set of ideas, rationalizations and beliefs that constitute a system of denial become more and more entrenched and tend to spread, becoming a world view which supports a deceptive and disordered way of life.

Even for a practicing sex addict, there are moments of clear-headedness when he or she suspects that they are engaging in a problematic or pathological pattern of behavior. But that awareness does not hold up. Why? Because denial is distorted thinking in the context of a semi-dissociated (i.e. “checked out”) state. The distorted thinking creeps back in when dissociation provides an opportunity. And the greater the awareness in recovery, the greater the dissociation needed to overtake it. But let’s begin at the beginning.

Denial during addiction

(Rationalization, minimization, and projection)

Addicts in the grip of an addiction have a set of beliefs that support that addiction. That is, beliefs which protect them from the need to examine their behavior. These can look absurdly deluded to a non addict. When challenged in any way, the practicing addict uses these ideas or “theories” to defend against the idea that they have a problem.

These may take many forms such as rationalization:

“It’s normal behavior”,
“It’s harmless”,
“I need it”,
“I have a high sex drive”,

or minimization:

“Everybody wants what I want”
“I’m not that bad”,
“I’m cutting down”,
“It’s not bad enough to need treatment”

or projection:

“So-and-so is the one with the problem”,
“I’m being judged unfairly”,
“My wife/husband makes me the way I am”

The practicing addict at this point is considered to be in the stage of “pre-contemplation” in the stages of change framework, meaning they have not even consciously contemplated the idea of change.

What leads addicts to question their behavior

Usually something rather dramatic happens to bring the addict to the point of contemplating change. The sex addict may be found out by a partner, lose a job, neglect a career, get/transmit a disease, become impotent in intercourse (as happens with many teen porn addicts) or get arrested.

At that point the addict may begin to suspect that the behavior is destructive and compulsive. But this dawning awareness is not enough to impact the addiction in the long run. Neurologically, addiction is a pathological form of learning. The distorted thinking which surrounds it provides a powerful undertow. If the crisis somehow passes without the addict getting some serious help, the behavior will return.

Denial in early treatment

(Why addicts resist help even after starting recovery)

The addict who has actually made an initial foray into treatment will often come up with a different set of distorted beliefs. These beliefs serve to justify the addict’s natural urge to escape from treatment.

These may involve ideas like:

“Maybe sex isn’t really an addiction”
“I’m not sure I belong in this kind of treatment”,
“Treatment is ineffective”,
“Treatment works for other people but not me”,
“I tried it once and it didn’t work”,
“I’m hopeless so why bother.”

In early recovery the addict tends to be in crisis. His or her world feels like it is crumbling and the addict is prone to extreme emotions. Emotionality can stand in the way of rational thinking and rational examination of the situation. With treatment, the addict’s delusional beliefs are challenged and he/she gradually replaces them with more reality based thinking and becomes more fully engaged in recovery.

Denial and dissociation in relapse

(Why awareness disappears and acting out returns)

Dissociation is a mental state in which some of our rational decision-making and impulse control functions are off line. What seemed like a terrible idea this morning can seem like a great idea tonight. What we rationally knew is no longer engaged; we are no longer mindful i.e. we are not present. And in place of rational self-awareness is a set of thought distortions that make no sense but which we are unable to critically examine.

The dissociated or semi-dissociated state then becomes the context in which the delusional thinking can lead the addict into acting out. This context is one in which decisions are not realistic, consequences are not considered and impulses reign supreme.

What situations increase risk of relapse

Some examples of the kinds of circumstances and thought patterns that lead to this dissociation and to “slips” and relapses might be:

Alcohol or drugs which lead to an altered “I don’t care” state. The higher centers being temporarily off line makes way for the distorted thinking and addictive behavior.

Being alone with no one around to inject a note of reality into the situation. In this situation pessimism and self put-downs can take over; the addict “forgets” that he has people he can call; he grabs for relief.

Being in stressful or unfamiliar situations such as business travel which can feel disorienting and threatening. This makes it difficult to hold onto a mindful, self-directed state. The addict may find it easy to slip into unreality.

Why mindfulness is critical in recovery

Dissociation is the opposite of mindfulness. Any situation which threatens the addict’s ability to return to a mindful, self-aware state can open the door to thoughts and behaviors that make no sense. Is it any wonder that the core mindfulness skills we stress so much in treatment are ones that must be practiced and reinforced even into the later stages of recovery?

Understanding denial and moving toward change

Denial in sex addiction is not simply resistance, but a complex system of distorted thinking supported by dissociation. Recognizing how denial operates is an essential step in breaking the cycle and engaging more fully in recovery.

Learn more about sex addiction and recovery

If you want a deeper understanding of how these patterns develop and how they can change, Dr. Hatch explores these issues in more detail in her book

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why Sex Addicts Avoid Intimacy

sex addicts avoid intimacy

(Understanding intimacy disability and emotional isolation)

Sex addicts often struggle with intimacy because of a deep fear of emotional closeness. This fear is usually rooted in early relationship experiences and leads to patterns of emotional withdrawal and sexual acting out. As a result, many addicts feel profoundly lonely even when they are not alone.

Why do sex addicts feel so lonely even in relationships

Addicts are profoundly lonely. They may be active and sociable; they may have friends. But in terms of the deeper emotional connection to a partner, they tend to keep themselves on a starvation diet. The loneliness of course is self-imposed. Addicts are not addicts because they are making up for the fact that they don’t happen to have a lover. Their addiction and their emotional isolation are both related to a deep fear of intimacy. It has always been striking to me that they should suffer so much in their alienation.

Childhood issues

(How early experiences shape fear of intimacy)

I find that most often sex addicts are not aware of how fearful they are about intimate relationships. They have most likely come from families in which they received inadequate or inappropriate forms of connection with adults. Without realizing it, they have adopted a way of behaving based on fear and the avoidance of intimate connection.

I have heard many addicts tell me that as a child they felt ignored discounted, abandoned or invisible. This is their model of close relating; it is one of intense pain and stress. And this can be true despite the fact that their family life and childhood appeared outwardly “normal“.

Intimacy avoidance and sexual acting out

(Why sexual behavior can replace emotional connection)

Many sex addicts are using their addictive acting out behavior as a substitute for an intimate connection. Their addictive behavior provides an illusion of some kind of connection, reinforced by sexual gratification in a situation that is safe. Sexual acting out is emotionally safe because it requires nothing from the addict on an emotional level.

For the typical sex addict, this way of finding gratification without intimacy is not a matter of wanting to be selfish and controlling, although that is how it ends up looking. But rather it is a way of finding an escape from negative emotions and achieving some gratification without having to experience intense discomfort and fear. Sometimes it is due to sexual inhibition and shame. Other times it is the fear of letting their guard down and feeling that they will inevitably be hurt. Or it involves feeling so unworthy and unlovable that they cannot feel free to be who they are. Usually it is a combination of the above.

How intimacy avoidance shows up in relationships

The intimacy avoidance that goes along with sex addiction shows up in relationships in a number of ways.

Avoiding sex

Sexual connecting in the context of an intimate relationship can be too difficult for an addict to do comfortably. Even if they are very attracted to their partner or would-be partner, they may try to create emotional distance. For example, they may be emotionally absent during sex or lost in fantasy, they may want to drink alcohol as a way to be less present during sex, or they may avoid sex altogether.

Avoiding physical intimacy

Sex addicts often come from families in which there was an absence of physical touching and affection. Thus they may feel that hugging, cuddling, etc. are awkward and uncomfortable. Some addicts were smothered by physical touching in an inappropriate way and they too may avoid physical affection due to feeling vulnerable.

Not being able to express their needs

Many sex addicts isolate themselves emotionally by avoiding letting the other person in on what they feel, need or want. This is a fear of being unworthy or of being rejected or hurt.

Being self conscious around people or in social situations

Often addicts substitute a role or facade for actually showing up emotionally. They may play a role, i.e. teacher, guru, performer, etc. with people instead of just being able to be who they are and take their chances.

Withdrawing into work or another addiction

Some addicts escape the demands of intimacy by becoming swallowed up in work or exercise or other hobbies that take them away from their partner and other potentially intimate contacts.

Fleeing intimate connection

Many addicts can enter a relationship but leave before it becomes too intimate. They may think this is a fear of commitment, or not the “right person”, when in reality they feel inadequate to the demands of a relationship and/or fear being abandoned by anyone they are close to.

Intimacy avoidance and loneliness

The same addict who is doing everything to avoid intimacy will often feel desperately needy and lonely. Sometimes the addict is aware of a longing for connection; other times the addict lives without intimate relating but doesn’t quite know what is missing or why they push people away. Isolation and loneliness can then become the excuse and the occasion for sexual acting out such as online sex, sexual massage parlors, prostitutes, etc. It is only in recovery that the addict can recognize his or her own lack of intimacy ability and begin to practice new behaviors to overcome their fears of being known and connected.

Understanding intimacy and moving toward change

Intimacy disability in sex addiction is not a lack of desire for connection, but a fear of it. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward change and toward building healthier, more connected relationships.

Learn more about intimacy and sex addiction

If you want a deeper understanding of why intimacy avoidance develops and how it can change, Dr. Hatch explores these patterns in more detail in her book

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why You Can’t Have a Real Relationship With a Narcissist

You cannot have a real, mutual relationship with a narcissist because their need to protect a fragile sense of self prevents genuine emotional connection, empathy, and reciprocity.

Basically, you can’t get close to a narcissist. A relationship with a narcissist will be a problem, and the more narcissistic they are, the more it becomes impossible.

Sex addicts and addicts generally are often described as narcissistic, but many non-addicts are narcissists as well. Trying to have a relationship with a true narcissist can be an extremely torturous and confusing experience.

The Continuum of Narcissism

Many psychological disorders are now being talked about as existing on a “spectrum,” that is, they are not like other diseases where either you have them, or you don’t. With spectrum disorders, the set of symptoms can range from very mild to very severe.

As I have discussed previously, narcissists at the mild end may be labeled as having narcissistic personality traits such as self-centeredness and vanity; those labeled as having narcissistic personality disorder will be mostly oblivious to the needs of others and will focus on maintaining a false and grandiose sense of self. At the outermost extreme, the narcissist becomes akin to a sociopath, feeling so over-entitled and so lacking in conscience or empathy that they are opportunists and even criminals.

Many sex addicts and other kinds of addicts have what is called a narcissistic defense system, that is, they have a façade of self-importance which merely covers a deep-seated lack of self-worth.

What to Expect in a Relationship With a Narcissist

Narcissists are cut off from others by their underlying insecurity, but they can become expert at manipulating people in order to draw them in. They can be habitually seductive as a way of finding validation and power in relating to people generally. They are fundamentally impossible to connect with in the following ways.

The Narcissist Needs You to Be Focused on Them

He or she may initially show great interest and appreciation for you. This is gratifying, but it is skin deep. It is done to get you to focus on them.

They may give lavish praise and compare you favorably to others; in this way they manipulate you into trying to keep their good opinion, thus becoming more and more focused on what they think about you (and everything else). You become unconsciously afraid to displease the narcissist or incur their disapproval.

The Narcissist Needs to See Anyone Close to Them as Special

The idea here is that the narcissist needs to feel he is wonderful and that he wouldn’t be seen associating with anyone who wasn’t wonderful too. He sees you as a reflection of his own specialness.

This does not really say anything about how he really feels about you. What is important to the narcissist is how you make him look to others and to himself.

The Narcissist Will Be Controlling and Demanding

You may feel constantly thrown off from what you were doing or thinking about because the narcissist will come at you with their needs and wants. Narcissists will have their own agenda most of the time. They will use their judgmental attitude, their scrutiny of you, and their strong opinions to enforce that agenda.

If you have already become involved, you may be sacrificing yourself in a million little ways and even feeling that your life has been taken over. This is a far cry from a real relationship, in which the partners’ lives together involve mutual decision-making and genuine listening.

Narcissists Become Volatile When Challenged

Since their façade of superiority is just a façade, the narcissist will be cut to the quick if they feel criticized in any way. Their first line of defense will be to discount and devalue whatever or whoever has pricked their bubble.

But they will be deeply affected and may harbor rage or resentment. This makes it impossible to express your true feelings or needs and to have them be heard.

Narcissists Withdraw When You Stop Feeding Their Narcissism

You may be unable to shake the feeling that the relationship is tenuous because it is. It is possible to puncture a narcissist’s false self very easily.

Since your worth to him or her lies in your ability to reinforce their self-image, you can become a hindrance if and when you stop mirroring their perfection.

When Narcissistic Traits Are Less Severe

Someone who has milder narcissistic traits is probably using their grandiosity as a defense, as is the case with most sex addicts in treatment.

In recovery, they can gain a stronger sense of self-worth and let go of the narcissistic defense system. With treatment, these people may be more able to connect to their insecurities, and you may find that they both want and have a genuine capacity for a healthy relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissism and Relationships

Can a narcissist really love someone?
A narcissist may appear loving, attentive, or devoted, especially early in a relationship. However, their need to protect a fragile sense of self makes it very difficult for them to sustain genuine empathy, emotional reciprocity, and concern for another person’s inner experience. What often looks like love is more accurately a need for validation.

Is there a difference between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder?
Yes. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Some people have narcissistic traits that function as a defense against low self-worth and insecurity. Others meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder and are largely unable to recognize or respond to the needs of others. The more severe the narcissism, the less possible a mutual, healthy relationship becomes.

Can a narcissistic person change with treatment?
People with milder narcissistic traits, including many sex addicts in recovery, may be able to develop insight, tolerate vulnerability, and form healthier connections through treatment. Those with more entrenched narcissistic personality structures are far less likely to change, as they do not experience their behavior as problematic.

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Intimacy Disability and the Loneliness of Sex Addicts

Addicts are profoundly lonely. They may be active and sociable; they may have friends. But in terms of the deeper emotional connection to a partner, they tend to keep themselves on a starvation diet. The loneliness of course is self-imposed. Addicts are not addicts because they are making up for the fact that they don’t happen to have a lover. Their addiction and their emotional isolation are both related to a deep fear of intimacy. It has always been striking to me that they should suffer so much in their alienation.

Childhood issues

I find that most often sex addicts are not aware of how fearful they are about intimate relationships.  They have most likely come from families in which they received inadequate or inappropriate forms of connection with adults. Without realizing it, they have adopted a way of behaving based on fear and the avoidance of intimate connection.

I have heard many addicts tell me that as a child they felt ignored discounted, abandoned or invisible. This is their model of close relating; it is one of intense pain and stress. And this can be true despite the fact that their family life and childhood appeared outwardly “normal“.

Intimacy avoidance and sexual acting out

Many sex addicts are using their addictive acting out behavior as a substitute for an intimate connection. Their addictive behavior provides an illusion of some kind of connection, reinforced by sexual gratification in a situation that is safe. Sexual acting out is emotionally safe because it requires nothing from the addict on an emotional level.

For the typical sex addict, this way of finding gratification without intimacy is not a matter of wanting to be selfish and controlling, although that is how it ends up looking. But rather it is a way of finding an escape from negative emotions and achieving some gratification without having to experience intense discomfort and fear. Sometimes it is due to sexual inhibition and shame. Other times it is the fear of letting their guard down and feeling that they will inevitably be hurt. Or it involves feeling so unworthy and unlovable that they cannot feel free to be who they are. Usually it is a combination of the above.

Intimacy avoidance in relationships

The intimacy avoidance that goes along with sex addiction shows up in relationships in a number of ways.

  • Avoiding sex

Sexual connecting in the context of an intimate relationship can be too difficult for an addict to do comfortably. Even if they are very attracted to their partner or would-be partner, they may try to create emotional distance. For example, they may be emotionally absent during sex or lost in fantasy, they may want to drink alcohol as a way to be less present during sex, or they may avoid sex altogether.

  • Avoiding physical intimacy

Sex addicts often come from families in which there was an absence of physical touching and affection. Thus they may feel that hugging, cuddling, etc. are awkward and uncomfortable. Some addicts were smothered by physical touching in an inappropriate way and they too may avoid physical affection due to feeling vulnerable.

  • Not being able to express their needs

Many sex addicts isolate themselves emotionally by avoiding letting the other person in on what they feel, need or want. This is a fear of being unworthy or of being rejected or hurt.

  • Being self conscious around people or in social situations

Often addicts substitute a role or facade for actually showing up emotionally. They may play a role, eg teacher, guru, performer, etc. with people instead of just being able to be who they are and take their chances.

  • Withdrawing into work or another addiction

Some addicts escape the demands of intimacy by becoming swallowed up in work or exercise or other hobbies that take them away from their partner and other potentially intimate contacts.

  • Fleeing intimate connection

Many addicts can enter a relationship but leave before it becomes too intimate. They may think this is a fear of commitment, or not the “right person”, when in reality they feel inadequate to the demands of a relationship and/or fear being abandoned by anyone they are close to.

Intimacy avoidance and loneliness

The same addict who is doing everything to avoid intimacy will often feel desperately needy and lonely. Sometimes the addict is aware of a longing for connection; other times the addict lives without intimate relating but doesn’t quite know what is missing or why they push people away. Isolation and loneliness can then become the excuse and the occasion for sexual acting out such as online sex, sexual massage parlors, prostitutes, etc. It is only in recovery that the addict can recognize his or her own lack of intimacy ability and begin to practice new behaviors to overcome their fears of being known and connected.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Fake Romance: Understanding a Seduction Addict’s Playbook

“What just happened?”

That can be the feeling you get when you’ve encountered a seduction addict. These are the “nice guys” of sex addiction.  But anyone who has ever dated a compulsive seducer can tell you that they are as intimacy disabled as any other sex addict, maybe more so.  They tend to leave a nasty trail of non-relationships behind them and their future looks pretty much like their past.

We’ll look at what to expect in a typical scenario of a person dating a seduction addict, but first let’s look at the essential features of this kind of sex addict.

Characteristics of seduction sex addicts

  • They are addicted to the rush of falling in love, not the sexual act.
  • They are obsessed with being desired sexually and making a romantic connection.
  • They begin to lose sexual desire for a person immediately after the initial conquest.
  • They are not interested in having a real relationship.
  • They cannot sustain interest beyond the initial romance.
  • They are deeply cynical about lasting relationships because they fear them and don’t understand them.
  • They often carry on multiple flirtations to insure a supply for the future.

The stages in a seduction addict’s romantic scenario

(The seduction addict can be male or female.  I am using “he” for convenience only.)

  1. Predatory Flirting.  He  uses any encounter to start a flirtation.  He finds extremely subtle ways to be romantically suggestive.  For example, he might say “Maybe it’s not an accident that we ran into each other.”  Sometimes he will take a strong interest in you, or he may be very protective.  But he keeps it vague and indirect so he always has an “out.”
  2. Romantic Connection.  Assuming you actually connect, there is the initial romance.  Everything is exciting and special.  This beginning stage in an attachment is called “limerence” and it is an altered state.  One seduction addict admitted to me that the high point of a relationship for him was the first kiss.  However, at no point can you expect the addict to take the lead. Instead of making a definite plan for a date he may call or email on some flimsy pretext in order to get you to take the initiative.  Above all he wants to know he is desired.  He will want to feel that you initiated sex.
  3. The Affair of the Century.  The two of you are perfect together.  You are likely to be swept away and to not notice that you don’t know anything about what this guy really wants for the future.  That’s because the future doesn’t exist.  If you ask what his intentions are you will get only vague hints. You never really get past his “story,” that prefab profile of himself that he uses to win people over.  He will resist appearing socially as a couple. Real life would spoil his addictive “high.”
  4. The Exit.  The final phase is one in which the seducer’s “high” wears off. He begins to feel trapped. Often he will hide his waning interest by “doing things” for you; anything from walking your dog to painting your kitchen.  This is partly to avoid a real relationship and partly out of guilt, as he knows he’s getting ready to leave.  He has already begun noticing new targets for seduction.  He will then exit, perhaps explaining that he has neglected his work, or that he’s not ready to make a commitment.

Compulsive seduction is the same as any other sex addiction

In the end, the seduction addict is the same as any other sex addict.  Voyeurs, exhibitionists, pornography addicts; whatever the behavior the addiction is the same.  The addict uses the behavior to avoid intimacy and kill the pain of low self-worth.

Not realizing he needs help, the seduction addict may think he wants a lasting relationship but he will not realize that the problem is him.  He may go on for a very long time without hitting bottom.