“I’m So Sorry”: Do Sex Addicts Really Mean it?

Celebrity sex addicts from high profile politicians to iconic sports stars whose secret behavior is exposed are quick to apologize.

We see them on television, often with their betrayed spouse beside them, saying how sorry they are and apologizing to their fans, constituents, partners and the world at large for betraying their trust and violating their own values. But can they really be sorry right away?

One’s first and maybe cynical impression is that they are not so much sorry about what they did as they are sorry that their life has been turned upside down. And indeed, in sex addiction treatment, it is not unusual for the addict to initially experience a flood of emotion and remorse just from realizing the full meaning and enormous impact of their behavior. A colleague of mine refers to this outpouring as “narcissistic tears.” They have come face to face with their own human flaw.

Sex Addiction Treatment Stresses Remorse

The accepted protocols for treating sex addiction as well as the 12-step programs stress the need for the addict to come out of the self-centered universe of addiction and begin to see the damage done to others as well as to him/herself. But it is understood that although the initial crisis period results in a flood of shame, the basic change needed for what is known as genuine “victim empathy” to emerge requires years.

As a trainee I observed my supervisor interviewing a new sex addiction client. The client said “But I’m really a good man.” I was surprised when my supervisor responded “No you’re not.” This kind of confrontation is sometimes important in helping to shake loose the addict’s narcissistic false self image.

What is involved in real remorse?

In some instances we can be truly sorry right away. If a bus lurches and you step on someone’s foot you immediately say “I’m sorry”. And in this instance you really are sorry, because you had no ability to control your hurtful behavior. You have immediate empathy and concern for the person even if they are inwardly – or outwardly – cursing you for being such a clod.

The betrayal of other people (and oneself) that accompanies the ongoing sexual acting out of an addict is a different kind of hurt. Losing your balance on a moving bus and stepping on someone’s foot has, as least for most people, no particular connection with their sense of who they are. It is an involuntary act that says nothing about us, hence it is easy to accept that we have (involuntarily) hurt someone.

But if you as an addict have been habitually finding selfish ways to secretly meet your own needs at the expense of other people then “I’m sorry I hurt you” doesn’t seem to cut it.

In the immediate aftermath of the disclosure of a sex addict’s secret life it is clear to everyone, except maybe the addict, that he or she is still the same person. There cannot be an instantaneous transformation. Every bit of fear, conflict, low self worth, and lack of integrity is still there.

Real remorse and victim empathy can only happen when the addict has done enough self exploration and acquired enough self awareness to function in an entirely different way. Major basic change of this kind involves;

• A shift from impression management to honesty and transparency

• A shift from a habit of avoiding, controlling and placating others to a genuine ability to express feelings, needs and vulnerabilities

• A shift from grandiosity and self-centeredness to an ability to really listen to another and to be comfortable being influenced by a partner

• A shift from a compartmentalized life to an ability to share all the parts of oneself with another person

In other words, the addict becomes integrated, stronger, more centered and more available to bond. For those who know the person well, these changes are often very obvious. We feel the addict to be more sincere, more serious and more grounded. And perhaps the most obvious way that this new found integrity is expressed is in the addict’s commitment to recovery for its own sake. The addict is not longer going to meetings and therapy to please someone else or burnish his/her image. Recovery will have become unmistakably important in and of itself.

Implications for partners of sex addicts

The initial feelings accompanying disclosure may be an important motivator in getting the addict to commit to his/her own recovery going forward, including the wish to make it right with the partner.

But although the addict feels some immediate relief in knowing that he has come clean and that help is on the way, the partner who chooses to stick around will often have a much harder time recovering. A large part of the reason for this is that the process of bringing about deeper inner change sometimes seems glacially slow.

The literature on sex addicts and partners reports that on average it takes a year to begin to rebuild trust. Often it seems to take longer than that.  I believe this is not only because the addict needs to “behave” for long enough to establish credibility, and not only because the addict must walk the walk of making amends. It is also because the partner can tell whether and to what extent basic inner changes are taking place. And in the long run this is essential to the credibility of the addict’s expressions of empathy and remorse.

This article originally appeared on Recovery Brands:  http://www.recovery.org/pro/articles/im-so-sorry-when-do-sex-addicts-really-mean-it/

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

5 Signs you are Involved with a Narcissist

Basically you can’t get close to a narcissist.  A relationship with a narcissist will be a problem, and the more narcissistic they are the more it becomes impossible.

Sex addicts and addicts generally are often described as narcissistic, but many non-addicts are narcissists as well.  Trying to have a relationship with a true narcissist can be an extremely tortuous and confusing experience.

The continuum of narcissism

Many psychological disorders are now being talked about as existing on a “spectrum”, that is they are not like other diseases where either you have them or you don’t.  With spectrum disorders the set of symptoms can range from very mild to very severe.

As I have discussed previously, narcissists at the mild end may be labeled as having narcissistic personality traits such as self centeredness and vanity; those labeled as having narcissistic personality disorder will be mostly oblivious of the needs of others and will focus on maintaining a false and grandiose sense of a self.  At the outer most extreme the narcissist becomes akin to a sociopath, feeling so over-entitled and so lacking in conscience or empathy that they are opportunists and even criminals.

Many sex addicts and other kinds of addicts have what is called a narcissistic defense system, that is they have a façade of self importance which merely covers a deep seated lack of self worth.

What to expect with a narcissist

Narcissists are cut off from others by their underlying insecurity but they nevertheless can become expert at manipulating people in order to draw them in.  They can be habitually seductive as a way of finding validation and power in relating to people generally.  They are fundamentally impossible to connect with in the following ways.

  • The narcissist needs you to be focused on him.

He or she may initially show  great interest and appreciation for you.  This is gratifying but is skin deep.  It is done to get you to focus on them.  They may give lavish praise and compare you favorably to others; in this way they manipulate you into trying to keep their good opinion thus becoming more and more focused on what they think about you (and everything else.)  And you become unconsciously afraid to displease the narcissist or incur his disapproval.

  • The narcissist needs to see anyone they are close to as special.

The idea here is that the narcissist needs to feel he is wonderful and that he wouldn’t be seen associating with anyone who wasn’t wonderful too.  He sees you as a reflection of his own specialness.  This does not really say anything about how he really feels about you, what is important to the narcissist is how you make him look to others and to himself.

  • The narcissist will be controlling and demanding.

You may feel constantly thrown off from what you were doing or thinking about because the narcissist will come at you with their needs and wants.  Narcissists will have their own agenda most of the time.  They will use their judgmental attitude, their scrutiny of you and their strong opinions to enforce that agenda.

If you have already become involved you may be sacrificing yourself in a million little ways and even feeling that your life has been taken over.  This is a far cry from a real relationship in which the partners’ lives together involve mutual decision making and genuine listening.

  • Narcissists will be volatile when they are challenged.

Since their façade of superiority is just a façade, the narcissist will be cut to the quick if they feel criticized in any way.  Their first line of defense will be to discount and devalue whatever or whoever has pricked their bubble.  But they will be deeply affected and may harbor rage or resentments.  This makes it impossible to express your true feelings or needs and to have them be heard.

  • Narcissists will bail out when you stop feeding their narcissism.

You may be unable to shake the feeling that the relationship is tenuous because it is.  It is possible to puncture a narcissist’s false self very easily.  And since your worth to him or her lies in your ability to reinforce their self image, you can become a hindrance if and when you stop mirroring their perfection.

Someone who has milder narcissistic traits is probably using their grandiosity as a defense, as is the case with most sex addicts in treatment.  In recovery they can gain a stronger sense of self worth and let go of the narcissistic defense system.  With treatment, these people may be more able to connect to their insecurities and you may find that they both want and have a genuine capacity for a healthy relationship.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Subtle Signs of Self Hate: Recovering Sex Addicts Find New Outlets

There is a common saying among sex addiction therapists that “sex addiction is not about sex, it’s about pain.”    Sex addicts use one or more sexually addictive behaviors such as internet pornography, frequent visits to prostitutes or sexual massage parlors, compulsive sexual hook-ups or serial affairs and so on as a drug of choice to escape stressful or unpleasant feelings.

Sex addicts, like most other kinds of addicts have long-standing doubts about their worth as people.  They have early life histories that have left them fearful of intimate relating.  They are afraid to be open or vulnerable.  They protect themselves from situations in which they feel insecure by retreating into their addictive behavior, their fantasy life of sexual acting out in which they are soothed, gratified and safe.

Addicts may continue to experience low self worth even as they are becoming stronger in their recovery.  It takes a long time to understand and work through the feelings of low self worth and even longer to become confident and comfortable in their own skin. 

Substitute ways of acting out in recovery

Recovering sex addicts who are reliably free of their sexual acting out behavior may exhibit certain behaviors which get in the way of their work, their ability to relate to other people and their intimate relationships.  They are finding new ways to “act out” their feelings and fears now that they can no longer use their drug of choice.

In their work life and social life addicts often exhibit their need to escape their deep self doubt in one or more predictable ways, such a

Conflicts at work.  Addicts may have trouble getting along with others and may be irritable in ways that they never were before.  This is due to the absence of their ability to soothe themselves with their sexual behavior.   

Compulsive overwork or workaholism.  Addicts may pour themselves into their work as a way to escape having to deal with people or relationships.  Work can take up all the space that is left over in which the recovering addict feels ill at ease.

Comparing, competing and contempt.  These are the narcissistic behaviors.  They are an attempt to avoid self doubt and self hate by constantly judging others and trying to be one up.

Need to please.  In the absence of an inner sense of worth and validity, many sex addicts become pleasers.  They feel safe and soothed when they have the approval of others.  This takes the place of a skill they have not yet mastered, that of speaking their truth and being clear about their needs and feelings.

In close relationships addicts will engage in behaviors that tend to put distance between them and their intimate partner.  In this way they escape the demands of intimacy which they feel inadequate to meet.  They do this even as they exhibit codependent behaviors like the need to fix and control.  They will

Subtle or passive aggressive hostility.  This can take many forms such as sarcasm, contempt, sighing, groaning, and eye rolling.  This behavior expresses feelings indirectly which the addict feels incapable of expressing directly. 

Provoke conflict.  Recovering addicts often feel dissatisfied and irritable.  They may project blame onto their partner for this and they may escape intimacy by creating a rift. This can come in cycles, almost like an abuse cycle of lashing out, remorse, reconciliation and repeat.

Flirt or engage in other mini-sexual behaviors.  As discussed in my previous post about subtle forms of betrayal, sex addicts in recovery may use behaviors like flirting, ogling or talking about other people sexually, or reaching out to old girlfriends or boyfriends online as a substitute for their earlier sexually addictive behavior.  This is a way to give themselves a small bit of their drug, a mini “fix.”

Avoid sex.  Sex addicts may take a long time to get comfortable with a sex life with their partner.   Even if they enjoy it, their whole inner sexual landscape has been revamped in recovery and they may have new fears about sexual intimacy such as sudden attacks of performance anxiety or other fearfulness such as jealousy.

Overcoming all of these insecurities and learning to feel and express feelings takes time and patience for both the addict and those around them.  Sex addicts in recovery are building a sense of self and acquiring a set of interpersonal skills that they never had before.  They will get there if they and their spouse or partner or trusted friends are honest about what is going on.

 

3 Gateways to Intimacy: Things You Can Practice Doing Now

Intimacy is the ability to be real with a significant other, the ability to be known for who we really are.  And being seen in this way requires that we are secure enough to take a risk and be vulnerable.

Sex addiction has been described as an “intimacy disability.”  Addictive behaviors are ways to deal with stress and negative emotions; ways that do not depend on other people for soothing or emotional support.  Addicts feel mistrustful about being open with their needs and have a deep rooted belief that no one who really knew them could love them.

In recovery, addicts learn to reconnect with themselves and with their inner feelings without running away.  And they learn to reconnect with other people with more trust and less fear of rejection.

But addiction treatment does not automatically resolve all the addict’s fears about being known and about sharing all of themselves with a partner.  Becoming intimacy-“abled” is a much longer process than that of simply kicking an addiction.

Building intimacy skills

It is all very well to tell people to stop judging, to set appropriate boundaries or to “speak your truth in the moment.”  But these can seem pretty abstract and hard to put into practice.

Here are some specific kinds of behavior that the addict can focus on and some ideas about why they may help promote intimacy.

Nurturance

Nurturance involves giving someone what they need.  But in a relationship with a partner it also implies that the nurturer gives something (reassurance, food, listening, back rubs etc.) willingly and without resentment.  You don’t have to be a saint to nurture someone, and you can even do it because you are convinced that it is part of what you should do as a partner.  But real nurturance does mean that you give some attention to what the other person is feeling and that you are sincerely motivated to be kind to them.

Why does being nurturing foster intimacy?  Because it promotes empathy and an understanding of what your partner is like inside.  If done in the right spirit, nurturing makes us more able to be caring.  And taking care of someone is a way for them to feel our love and for our love to become deeper.

Also nurturing another person has the potential to bolster our own self esteem, even if that is not the original motivation.  When we give freely in this way it means that we are “full,” that we are not always worrying about our own need for self enhancement.

Mutual process

How do you relate to a partner when dealing with something specific in your life together?  It could be anything: an analysis of a movie you saw, a decision about buying furniture, or a discussion of one another’s plans and fears.

Addicts are all-or-nothing people: either we do it my way or we do it your way.  Instead of engaging in a constructive back and forth the addict will simply try to convince you of their own point of view.  If you are right they are wrong.

Approaching a question or topic as something to be decided together by a back and forth of ideas is new behavior for many recovering addicts.  But even if it is hard to believe that your partner could be right about anything, you can still practice listening and responding to what the other person says.

This is not the same as arguing your point and trying to convince the other person.  The point is to take a breath and allow the other person’s ideas to stimulate your thinking.

It is obvious how mutual process supports intimacy.  The “we” is greater than each of you alone.  In mutual processing you are building something together.

Shared experiences

It has been said that “love is not gazing into each other’s eyes, but it is gazing together at something else.”  When you can share and experience with someone you are automatically providing fertile ground for intimacy.

People who share intense experiences like being in combat in the armed services know that there is an automatic intimacy of a sort just from having gone through the same thing.  When we share something we re-affirm our common humanity because, to a great extent we have the same reactions to things.  This is especially true for powerful experiences like joy and triumph.

But sharing a joke or a sunset or a silly cat video can help feed intimacy.  This does not require any particular skill; simply that you make sure that you include times when you share experiences in your daily life together.

Fake it ‘til you make it

Fake it ‘til you make it is an idea that is often heard in 12-step meetings.  It means that you engage in healthy behavior even before you have fully embraced it.  And the theory is that in time you will come to feel that it is part of who you are.

In relationships it is also important to engage in specific caring behaviors and ways of relating.  Otherwise couples can end up endlessly talking, reading and “working on the relationship” without really getting anywhere.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

When are Sex Addicts Ready for a Relationship? Here’s a Checklist

Most sex addicts enter sex addiction treatment with a warped sense of what relationships are all about.  The relational trauma in early life that made them addicts also results in their having:

  • No models of healthy relating over time
  • No experience of giving or getting appropriate nurturing
  • No set of relationship skills such as openness and mutuality

Some sex addicts avoid relationships altogether, preferring to limit their intimate contact to porn, prostitutes, hook-ups, cybersex or other sexually addictive behaviors that allow them to avoid the demands of real connection with someone.

Other sex addicts form relationships and marriages while they are secretly active in their addictive behavior.  They too are avoiding intimacy.  They cannot share their deeper feelings with a partner due to fear of being hurt or abandoned.

Mistaken ideas about what relationships are for

Here are some of the superficial ideas that often form the sex addict’s paradigm of what a relationship is for:

  •  A relationship will bring me social recognition and acceptance in a world I want to belong to.
  •  A relationship with a glamorous person will make me proud and confident and make others envy me.
  • A relationship with the right person will provide the perfect balance to my life.
  • A committed relationship with children will make me a normal person with a normal life.
  • We will be considered a “great looking couple.”
  • The right relationship can cure my addictions.

These ideas come out of a sense of inadequacy and reflect the addict’s inability to imagine a healthy bond.  They reveal his or her narcissistic view of a relationship as a useful accessory and a partner as a fantasy.

Recovery lays the groundwork for relationships

In recovery sex addicts have gained enormously in the areas of self-awareness, self control, accountability, honesty, sharing and empathy.  They have learned to connect with themselves and with others.  And they have learned that they are worthy to be loved and that commitment requires vulnerability.  They are less self conscious, more confident and better at communicating.

All of this does not guarantee that the addict is ready for a relationship. Here are some questions that may help clarify whether the addict is ready to try again.

A relationship readiness checklist*

1.      I am more aware of what I am feeling at any given time and I am more able to identify feelings and think and talk about them.

2.      I have taken care of my basic health needs including having an STD test and other routine tests. If I have been prescribed psychotropic or other medication I follow up on appointments and on the use of medication.

3.      My ability to focus on whatever I am doing is improved and I don’t feel anxious and pulled in different directions as much.

4.      I enjoy having “down time” and I don’t feel like I have to do something all the time.

5.      I have learned that I can go to a counselor or other person I trust for help or advice and I can listen to what they say even if I disagree.

6.      I am aware of any problems I have with other addictions and I have done what I needed to do to address them.

7.      I have found ways to keep myself accountable regarding my addiction that rely on people other than a spouse or partner.

8.      I am willing to try out new activities and interests and I am OK if some things I try don’t work for me and others do.

9.      I am willing to experiment with changing my daily ritual.

10.  I have a greater sense of what I want and need and am clearer on what things interest me in life.

11.  I am more interested and confident in my work or other activities.

12.  I am more flexible and more tolerant than I used to be.

13.  I feel like I can stick up for myself when I need to without going overboard.

14.  I am not as self-conscious about initiating a social contact and I can be more comfortable just being myself.

15.  I no longer feel anxious or apprehensive when I am alone.  I would like a partner but I am OK without a partner.

Having achieved these milestones is a minimum requirement for a recovering sex addict who wants to start out with a new relationship.  But the addict will still have some work to do to.  Applying these new found skills in intimate relationship without repeating the mistakes of the past is the next biggest challenge in recovery.  It takes time, practice and a whole lot more self-examination.

*From my bookRelationships in Recovery: A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Is Your Relationship Addictive? Take the Self-Test

Relationships should feel good.  They should be happy and loving most of the time.  Addicts, recovering addicts and partners of addicts often have relationships that are the opposite.

As Patrick Carnes has pointed out in his writing, both sex addicts and their partners often have many similarities in their psychological makeup.  Both addicts and partners of addicts often come from families in which relationships were dysfunctional and appropriate nurturing was unreliable.

This early relational trauma leads to both fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment.  And these can lead couples into patterns of relating where each feeds the other’s unhealthy dynamics such as avoidance, manipulation, lack of openness, fear, and over-control.  See also my post “When Love Addicts Fall for Sex Addicts.

Mistakes addicts and partners make

  • Mistaking sex for intimacy

Most sex addicts and many partners of sex addicts place an undue emphasis on sex as the most important aspect of the relationship or as the proof of whether the relationship is loving and devoted.  Sex addicts have little experience of healthy intimacy and place an undue emphasis on having their sexual needs met, either inside or outside the relationship.  Partners may allow themselves to see their addict’s powerful sexual attraction as the only or most important aspect of love and intimacy.

  • Lack of Courtship Skills

Addictive relationships often begin with sex.  By building a relationship on sex and romantic passion, addicts and their partners may ignore the process of getting to know each other in a healthy way.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying feeling swept away, but it shouldn’t prevent you from learning about one another as part of a process leading to healthy commitment.  In a more normal courtship, people take it slower and ask more questions about the other person’s situation, their relationship history, their feelings about relationships etc.  And they also do not approach the situation with any ideas about what they might need or want in another person (aside form feeling swept away).

  • Mistaking Intensity for devotion

Many addictive couples have patterns of high intensity and high drama in their relationships.  They may have frequent and even violent conflicts and they make often break up and get back together.  Their interaction may be characterized by jealousy, threat, competition, and fear, all of which are mistakenly interpreted as signs that the relationship is the most important and most deeply committed one in their life.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

  • Mistaking power for trust

People who feel inadequate to the demands of an intimate relationship or who are overly fearful of abandonment may have an excessive need for control in their relationships.  Instead of feeling safe and secure in the knowledge that they can deal with problems that arise, they are closed off and mistrustful.  This leads to a vigilance about what the other person is doing and a lack of openness in communication.  The excessive need for control is based in the person’s own insecurity about their ability to sustain a relationship, their worth as a partner and their partner’s reliability.

An addictive relationship self-test*

The items in the test below are informally compiled based on my clinical experience and reading on this topic.  These problems are not unique to addicts and may be experienced by anyone with impaired intimacy and relationship abilities.  But they are very characteristic of addicts and often of the partners of addicts as well.

  1. Growing up I didn’t see my parents as consistently loving, and contented with each other.
  1. My relationships typically start with an intense sexual attraction and rapid involvement.
  1. I find it easy to start relationships but they always get complicated.
  1. I find it hard to know how to get out of a bad relationship.
  1. I sometimes think I stay in a relationship because I am afraid of being on my own.
  1. I am afraid of my partner’s anger.
  1. I sometimes placate or manipulate my partner to avoid confronting things.
  1. I find it easy to get into thinking that my partner is to blame.
  1. My partner and I don’t talk about our feelings about the relationship.
  1. In my relationships one person is always less devoted than the other.
  1. Either I feel superior to my partner or I feel my partner is superior to me.
  1. I am dishonest with my partner at times to avoid upsetting him/her.
  1. When I am in a relationship my partner and I don’t socialize with friends as a couple very much.
  1. Either I or my partner is always trying to get us into some kind of therapy.
  1. I feel that having a good relationship is hopeless.

*Taken from my book Relationships in Recovery: a Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over

When you look at this list of statements, it should be clear that what I am calling addictive relationships are characterized by things like negativity, turmoil and alienation.  A person who has the emotional development required for healthy intimacy would avoid or even run from such a relationship.  Without a level of openness, security and contentment it is impossible for relationships to succeed and for the partners to flourish.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Ogling Other Women Can be a Real Problem for Partners of Sex Addicts

Many wives and partners of sex addicts complain of their partner ogling other women.  A man who can’t help staring at other women may be just a rude guy or his ogling may be part of a pattern of sexually compulsive behavior.  If you are the partner of such a man you will know that it is crazy making.  There are a million ways for a man to brush aside your concern and make you feel that you are overreacting.  It is “gaslighting” on steroids.

I have worked with many sex addicts and their partners for whom ogling is a serious problem. By that I mean often the sex addict will be unable to stop looking at attractive women and will be using the images of sexy women he sees in passing as a way to be swept away, to feed a fantasy life, and to avoid the person he is with.

I saw one sex addict who admitted that he ogled in this way; that he looked at women “from the neck down”.  He was happily married yet he saw himself as being sexually compulsive in this one area.  He claimed he would do anything to stop because it hurt his wife so much.  When he couldn’t stop looking at another woman in a restaurant on his honeymoon it was a wake up call for his wife (and him).

The three second rule

Sex addicts in recovery are told to follow the three second rule, meaning that although you can’t help glancing at or noticing someone, you can give yourself three seconds to stop looking.  At that point you can hopefully manage to redirect your thoughts away from sexual objectification and into seeing the person as a person (a student, someone’s daughter, etc.) and to wish them well.

One of the partners of sex addicts who wrote to me  challenged this idea.  Her partner is a recovering sex addict who ogles women.  She wrote:

“His comment to me about three seconds was that he rarely if ever looks that long because he wants to avoid discovery. He is very subtle about his looking, yet he is able to get a potent hit, even though his eyes only “flick” briefly onto a woman’s body. So basically, someone could look for under three seconds and get a potent sexual hit. In other words, it’s really not about the amount of time. It’s about the intent, the hunting, the feeding, the drinking in, the filling up.”

She describes also:

“…a different person I know who captures image impressions of women’s bodies and files them away mentally for later fantasy use. These also could be just very brief glimpses of someone’s cleavage or of someone in an every day position that is sexually titillating to the viewer.”

This woman’s partner is not unusual.  Many sex addicts complain that they are helpless because there are just so many sexy women around and they can’t help looking at them.  And yet ogling can feed an addiction by adding to what some sex addicts call their “data base” of sexual imagery that they can call up at a later time to use for masturbation or even during sex.  It can feed what is essentially a stash of mental pornography even if they have been successful in giving up an actual pornography addiction.

One thing is for sure; if a man has already identified himself as having problematic, compulsive sexual behavior then his ogling is probably one of his array of sexually addictive behaviors.

What ogling does

Remembering images and having fantasies is not at all pathological in itself.  And to some extent the level objectification of women that is involved in ogling is an everyday occurrence in our culture.

But as I noted elsewhere, the American Psychological Association talked about ogling as one step along a scale:

with sexualized evaluation (e.g. looking at someone in a sexual way) at the less extreme end, and sexual exploitation, such as trafficking or abuse, at the more extreme end.”

Sexual objectification of women (and men) is rampant in our culture and it is probably getting worse.  As a form of objectification, ogling may or may not be a dangerous trend, but can seriously interfere with a person’s ability to relate in an intimate relationship.

Ogling as a form of sexualizing and objectifying people is so common among sex addicts as to be almost universal.  And it can also provide a direct trigger to relapse in an addict who gets swept into fantasy.

For some sex addicts looking at women in a sexual way is part of their addictive ritual.  They feel deprived of sex, even rejected by the women they look at and this paves the way for them to escape into their other sexually addictive behaviors such as internet porn.

Is ogling voyeuristic?

As I discussed in a prior post it may not be possible for most of us to tune out sexy women.  But sexual looking and sexual evaluation of strangers can be seen as unwanted and invasive in itself, quite apart form its impact on partners of sex addicts.  Some women may want to be looked at, but some may feel slimed or even violated by it.  And since the ogler has not way of knowing it’s best to assume that there is something uninvited and even potentially voyeuristic about it.

Dating a Recovering Sex Addict? Bring This Checklist

If you are dating someone who has admitted to a past history of addictive sexual behavior you will need to know what to expect going forward.  If the person you are dating has been in sex addiction treatment for upwards of a year or more, then the chances are that he (or she) will not relapse into the prior behavior.  Or at least will not take up the full-blown version of the compulsive behavior such as cybersex, prostitutes, pornography, anonymous sex, and so on.

Positive signs to look for

You should feel encouraged by signs that the addict is in “good” recovery.  Here are some of the indicators that the person has done the necessary work on himself and is ready for a healthy relationship.

Recovery history: The addict has had some combination of appropriate treatment and self help support programs such as therapy with a certified sex addiction therapist, treatment in a residential or intensive outpatient program if needed, group therapy, 12-step group participation.

Commitment to growth: The addict makes his own recovery a high priority in his life.  He continues to work on himself and to be engaged with other people in recovery.  You feel in your “gut” that you can trust him to be aware of and take responsibility for his own continued growth.

Insight: The addict is aware of what went wrong in his past relationships and understands how he retreated into his addiction, avoided intimacy, and hurt his partner.  He understands that the relationship dynamics of the past are no longer what he wants.

Healthy communication: The addict is open and honest about what he feels and communicates his needs.  He doesn’t heap blame on his past partners or project blame onto you.  He takes responsibility when he is wrong.

Problems to expect

Sex addicts can be expected to have residual intimacy issues.  They come out of the initial stage of recovery vastly changed in many ways, but they will still be fearful of relationships will have imperfect relationship skills.

Bonding problems: Addicts often have had early attachment issues with parents or grown up without ever having any appropriate models of healthy bonding.  They may fear abandonment and feel that commitment is dangerous.  If this is a problem they need to work on it in therapy.

Other addictions: Addicts seldom have just one addiction.  Researchers have found that 83% of sex addicts interviewed had at least one other addictive behavior.

Subtle acting out behaviors: It is not unusual for subtle mini-behaviors to creep in such as contacting an old girlfriend “to catch up,” or looking at “harmless” videos on facebook or ads on craigslist.  These things may not mean anything but sometimes they can be driven by the addiction in unconscious ways.  They may seem eminently “deniable.”

Issues around sex:  The recovering sex addict will often have had little or no experience with healthy sexual relationships.  He may be ambivalent or avoidant about sex.  Sometimes the addict will try to bring addictive behaviors into the relationship in some way.  This may or may not be OK with you.

What to do?

Ask a lot of questions:  Don’t be afraid to pry.  Make sure you get the details of the addicts sexual acting out behavior.  Many times addicts will give people a “sanitized” version of what their lives were like before.  Often they will leave out a whole set of behaviors that they are to embarrassed to talk about.  You need to know these things even if you don’t think you want to.

Don’t be placated:  Addicts have spent many years not talking about things and just saying whatever they think someone wants to hear.  This means they haven’t ever gotten used to talking about their feelings and needs with anyone.  Let your addict know when he is not being open and when he seems to be putting you off.  He needs to practice asking for what he wants.

Be clear about what you want:  Set appropriate boundaries for yourself including what you are OK with sexually.  Protect yourself and decide what your limits are. Likewise be clear about what you want in a relationship and make sure you ask your addict what he is looking for in a relationship.  This is not being pushy, it’s important.

Get connected: Talk to other people or go to one of the many websites that deal with partners of sex addicts and get as much support and information as you can.  Educate yourself about sex addiction, and if the relationship gets serious, feel free to make an appointment wit a certified sex addiction therapist to discuss things.  Getting therapy together at some point is never a bad idea.

Nothing is for sure when it comes to relationships but dating someone in good recovery, particularly if you have done some work on yourself, can be very rewarding.  You may end up in the best relationship ever.  But if so that will be because you too are committed to learning and growing.  One thing is for sure: relationships are to learn from.

Partners Need to Know the Secrets and Lies of Sex Addiction

People generally do not want to disclose their sex addiction to their intimate partner.  And yet in sex addiction treatment we believe that couples cannot begin the process of recovery as long as the addict is still keeping secrets or telling lies.  Hence the saying in treatment circles:

Tell it all, tell it soon!

This is not to say that we cannot have a private inner life or that we have to tell our spouse or partner everything we think or do.  But telling the truth about sex addiction is an essential part of recovery.  It is essential for the addict, for the partner and for the relationship.

When disclosure is not necessary

Disclosing the full extent of a sex addiction is not generally advised when the couple are planning to divorce or separate.  Couples in the process of separation and divorce are dealing with a lot of emotional and real life upheaval.  The disclosure of the details of sexual betrayal may be detrimental to the process of separating.  It can fan the fires of resentment and conflict around settlement and custody issues.  Often a partial disclosure has taken place which is part of the reason for the divorce.  Disclosure can add to the traumatization of the partner who already feels betrayed, without serving any useful purpose.

Disclosing to a partner is often partial and disorganized

Partial disclosure, or disclosing in “stages,” is the norm although it is not considered a good idea.  The addict feels the pressure to come clean but wants to hold back some facts about the sex addiction, usually those that are most damaging or shameful.  The addict who has been partially found out is in a crisis state and is most often very afraid of abandonment by a partner.  The feeling is that if the spouse or partner knew everything they would surely leave.  This is not necessarily a true or rational idea.

However, full disclosure sets the stage not only for the addict to begin a new way of living but for the relationship to begin on a new basis of honesty and trust.  Every time another little piece of information about the addict’s past behavior trickles out it makes the partner feel like it is just more than they can take.  This is because the partner feels the dishonesty may have no end.

The commitment to truthfulness going forward

Holding on to secrets is a sign that the addict is not in very good recovery.  “Rigorous honesty” is considered to be at the heart of the 12-step model of addiction recovery.  There is a level of self hate and shame in the addict who feels he cannot be honest.  He is continuing to act on the core belief that if someone really knew him they could never love him.  It is a way to hang onto control but it is unfair.

Dishonesty about who we are sexually is a way to keep ourselves apart from our partner.  It is a fatal barrier to true intimacy, which involves allowing ourselves to be known.  It also gives the addict unequal power.

To the partner, the fact that they do not know what is going on or has gone on means that not only do they not know their addict partner very well but they do not have a view of their life that is based in reality.  Partners cannot find contentment and happiness if their reality is being manipulated by someone else.

What not to disclose

The optimal way to disclose the facts of a sex addiction to a partner is thought to be through a “planned disclosure.”  This is one where the couple prepare separately with their counselors and carry out the disclosure in the presence of a treating professional.

As part of the preparation, the partner or spouse will decide what it is they want to hear.  This is very important.  The addict may want to tell more than the partner wants to know.  The addict will have to take direction from the partner as to what to disclose.  For example, the partner may or may not want to know how many times the addict did a certain thing, or with whom, or what the details of the act were.

Planned full disclosure may be the ideal, but people are human and it is often not that neat.  We need to accept that both people may be afraid and mistrustful.  The addict may try to get away with holding onto a few key pieces of information our of fear, and the partner may resort to spying on the addict’s email in order to deal with the crazy-making feelings of mistrust.

But even if it is not perfect, the disclosure must take place for the relationship to survive and thrive.

How to Get Your Spouse into Sex Addiction Treatment

As a porn and sex addiction therapist I am often contacted by the spouses looking for sex addiction treatment for their partner.  I will look at the reasons for this and give my views on why the role of the spouse or partner is important in getting treatment for the addiction.

Why partners do the initial reaching out for help

  • The sex addict usually resists treatment for the same reason any addict does—part of them would really like to keep doing what they are doing no matter what the consequences are.  Hence it is easier to let the partner do the leg work of finding help.  At this early crisis stage immediately after disclosure the addict will be inclined to say they want help but will not want to be proactive in seeking out what might actually be an effective intervention.
  • The spouse of partner of the sex addict may be the one who is experiencing more of the distress in the situation.  The addict will surely be feeling shameful and remorseful when the addiction is disclosed, but this is nothing compared to the trauma of the betrayal usually experienced by the partner.  This in turn motivated the partner to go into crisis mode and begin trying to find solutions.
  • The sex addict may resist being the one to reach out for sex addiction treatment because he is too embarrassed to call up and admit to a stranger that he has these problems.  I often hear this discomfort in the voices of addicts who do call me and I hear them groping for a way not to have to state the problem directly.

Why the partner’s role is so important in getting help

Most often a sex addict or porn addict is in the grip of a strong compulsion to “act out” in their addictive behavior, whatever it is; porn, sexual hook-ups, infidelity, prostitutes, online sexual encounters, etc.  They may engage in this behavior frequently or less frequently, but the main point is that they are doing it addictively, meaning they are leading a separate sex life, they cannot stop, it is going to escalate over time, and it will have negative repercussions for their life and relationships.

The untreated sex or porn addict is in a state of denial.  Very often it will take some force from outside to get his attention and to convince him to get some serious treatment.  That force may come in the form of getting in trouble with the law, losing a job, or losing a marriage.  But whatever it is it will exert the necessary pressure on the addict. 

When spouses and partners discover a sex addiction they are in a unique position to use the crisis to force the addict to get help.  Addicts tend to panic at the thought that they will lose their wife and possibly alienate their children.  The spouse needs to recognize that very often they and they alone can lower the boom on the addict and cause an effective intervention.

Spouses should not expect that the therapist, even the most expert therapist, will be able to force treatment on an addict.  In the simplest terms, the therapist has no ammunition compared to the spouse. 

What the spouse needs to do

Spouses and partners seeking sex addiction treatment should be prepared to draw a line in the sand about the need for the addict to get help.  They need to say that they will live with a recovering sex addict but not with a practicing one.  And they need to mean it, in other words they need to be prepared to separate if there is inadequate movement.

Spouses need to be realistic about the kind of help that is required.  Often sex addicts will promise to quit, attend a few 12-step meetings, engage in an online program, install blocking software or get some couple counseling.   Sometimes addicts try to convince their partner that the addiction is really the partner’s fault, which it never is!

These can be ways to diffuse the situation while still having no real motivation to change.   A serious sex addiction requires a serious treatment program, often a one or two week outpatient intensive or a four to six week residential program followed by active12-step participation, and follow up therapy. 

Ultimately the addict will have to become engaged in their own recovery for it to work.  But the initial impetus can often come from the desire to hold on to a partner.  And in the long term, the relationship can get on the right track if both partners are engaged in recovery both separately and as a couple.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource