Denial in Sex Addiction

Denial in sex addiction

(Understanding distorted thinking, dissociation, and relapse)

What is denial in sex addiction

Denial in sex addiction is a form of distorted thinking that allows the addiction to continue. It protects the addict from fully recognizing the impact of their behavior and makes it difficult to sustain awareness or change.

Denial in sex addiction is a form of distorted thinking. In fact it is a masterpiece of distorted thinking. Breaking through denial marks the beginning of addiction treatment. This is just as true for sexual addiction and behavioral addictions generally as it is for chemical dependency.

Why denial becomes so powerful

Without treatment, the set of ideas, rationalizations and beliefs that constitute a system of denial become more and more entrenched and tend to spread, becoming a world view which supports a deceptive and disordered way of life.

Even for a practicing sex addict, there are moments of clear-headedness when he or she suspects that they are engaging in a problematic or pathological pattern of behavior. But that awareness does not hold up. Why? Because denial is distorted thinking in the context of a semi-dissociated (i.e. “checked out”) state. The distorted thinking creeps back in when dissociation provides an opportunity. And the greater the awareness in recovery, the greater the dissociation needed to overtake it. But let’s begin at the beginning.

Denial during addiction

(Rationalization, minimization, and projection)

Addicts in the grip of an addiction have a set of beliefs that support that addiction. That is, beliefs which protect them from the need to examine their behavior. These can look absurdly deluded to a non addict. When challenged in any way, the practicing addict uses these ideas or “theories” to defend against the idea that they have a problem.

These may take many forms such as rationalization:

“It’s normal behavior”,
“It’s harmless”,
“I need it”,
“I have a high sex drive”,

or minimization:

“Everybody wants what I want”
“I’m not that bad”,
“I’m cutting down”,
“It’s not bad enough to need treatment”

or projection:

“So-and-so is the one with the problem”,
“I’m being judged unfairly”,
“My wife/husband makes me the way I am”

The practicing addict at this point is considered to be in the stage of “pre-contemplation” in the stages of change framework, meaning they have not even consciously contemplated the idea of change.

What leads addicts to question their behavior

Usually something rather dramatic happens to bring the addict to the point of contemplating change. The sex addict may be found out by a partner, lose a job, neglect a career, get/transmit a disease, become impotent in intercourse (as happens with many teen porn addicts) or get arrested.

At that point the addict may begin to suspect that the behavior is destructive and compulsive. But this dawning awareness is not enough to impact the addiction in the long run. Neurologically, addiction is a pathological form of learning. The distorted thinking which surrounds it provides a powerful undertow. If the crisis somehow passes without the addict getting some serious help, the behavior will return.

Denial in early treatment

(Why addicts resist help even after starting recovery)

The addict who has actually made an initial foray into treatment will often come up with a different set of distorted beliefs. These beliefs serve to justify the addict’s natural urge to escape from treatment.

These may involve ideas like:

“Maybe sex isn’t really an addiction”
“I’m not sure I belong in this kind of treatment”,
“Treatment is ineffective”,
“Treatment works for other people but not me”,
“I tried it once and it didn’t work”,
“I’m hopeless so why bother.”

In early recovery the addict tends to be in crisis. His or her world feels like it is crumbling and the addict is prone to extreme emotions. Emotionality can stand in the way of rational thinking and rational examination of the situation. With treatment, the addict’s delusional beliefs are challenged and he/she gradually replaces them with more reality based thinking and becomes more fully engaged in recovery.

Denial and dissociation in relapse

(Why awareness disappears and acting out returns)

Dissociation is a mental state in which some of our rational decision-making and impulse control functions are off line. What seemed like a terrible idea this morning can seem like a great idea tonight. What we rationally knew is no longer engaged; we are no longer mindful i.e. we are not present. And in place of rational self-awareness is a set of thought distortions that make no sense but which we are unable to critically examine.

The dissociated or semi-dissociated state then becomes the context in which the delusional thinking can lead the addict into acting out. This context is one in which decisions are not realistic, consequences are not considered and impulses reign supreme.

What situations increase risk of relapse

Some examples of the kinds of circumstances and thought patterns that lead to this dissociation and to “slips” and relapses might be:

Alcohol or drugs which lead to an altered “I don’t care” state. The higher centers being temporarily off line makes way for the distorted thinking and addictive behavior.

Being alone with no one around to inject a note of reality into the situation. In this situation pessimism and self put-downs can take over; the addict “forgets” that he has people he can call; he grabs for relief.

Being in stressful or unfamiliar situations such as business travel which can feel disorienting and threatening. This makes it difficult to hold onto a mindful, self-directed state. The addict may find it easy to slip into unreality.

Why mindfulness is critical in recovery

Dissociation is the opposite of mindfulness. Any situation which threatens the addict’s ability to return to a mindful, self-aware state can open the door to thoughts and behaviors that make no sense. Is it any wonder that the core mindfulness skills we stress so much in treatment are ones that must be practiced and reinforced even into the later stages of recovery?

Understanding denial and moving toward change

Denial in sex addiction is not simply resistance, but a complex system of distorted thinking supported by dissociation. Recognizing how denial operates is an essential step in breaking the cycle and engaging more fully in recovery.

Learn more about sex addiction and recovery

If you want a deeper understanding of how these patterns develop and how they can change, Dr. Hatch explores these issues in more detail in her book

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why Sex Addicts Avoid Intimacy

sex addicts avoid intimacy

(Understanding intimacy disability and emotional isolation)

Sex addicts often struggle with intimacy because of a deep fear of emotional closeness. This fear is usually rooted in early relationship experiences and leads to patterns of emotional withdrawal and sexual acting out. As a result, many addicts feel profoundly lonely even when they are not alone.

Why do sex addicts feel so lonely even in relationships

Addicts are profoundly lonely. They may be active and sociable; they may have friends. But in terms of the deeper emotional connection to a partner, they tend to keep themselves on a starvation diet. The loneliness of course is self-imposed. Addicts are not addicts because they are making up for the fact that they don’t happen to have a lover. Their addiction and their emotional isolation are both related to a deep fear of intimacy. It has always been striking to me that they should suffer so much in their alienation.

Childhood issues

(How early experiences shape fear of intimacy)

I find that most often sex addicts are not aware of how fearful they are about intimate relationships. They have most likely come from families in which they received inadequate or inappropriate forms of connection with adults. Without realizing it, they have adopted a way of behaving based on fear and the avoidance of intimate connection.

I have heard many addicts tell me that as a child they felt ignored discounted, abandoned or invisible. This is their model of close relating; it is one of intense pain and stress. And this can be true despite the fact that their family life and childhood appeared outwardly “normal“.

Intimacy avoidance and sexual acting out

(Why sexual behavior can replace emotional connection)

Many sex addicts are using their addictive acting out behavior as a substitute for an intimate connection. Their addictive behavior provides an illusion of some kind of connection, reinforced by sexual gratification in a situation that is safe. Sexual acting out is emotionally safe because it requires nothing from the addict on an emotional level.

For the typical sex addict, this way of finding gratification without intimacy is not a matter of wanting to be selfish and controlling, although that is how it ends up looking. But rather it is a way of finding an escape from negative emotions and achieving some gratification without having to experience intense discomfort and fear. Sometimes it is due to sexual inhibition and shame. Other times it is the fear of letting their guard down and feeling that they will inevitably be hurt. Or it involves feeling so unworthy and unlovable that they cannot feel free to be who they are. Usually it is a combination of the above.

How intimacy avoidance shows up in relationships

The intimacy avoidance that goes along with sex addiction shows up in relationships in a number of ways.

Avoiding sex

Sexual connecting in the context of an intimate relationship can be too difficult for an addict to do comfortably. Even if they are very attracted to their partner or would-be partner, they may try to create emotional distance. For example, they may be emotionally absent during sex or lost in fantasy, they may want to drink alcohol as a way to be less present during sex, or they may avoid sex altogether.

Avoiding physical intimacy

Sex addicts often come from families in which there was an absence of physical touching and affection. Thus they may feel that hugging, cuddling, etc. are awkward and uncomfortable. Some addicts were smothered by physical touching in an inappropriate way and they too may avoid physical affection due to feeling vulnerable.

Not being able to express their needs

Many sex addicts isolate themselves emotionally by avoiding letting the other person in on what they feel, need or want. This is a fear of being unworthy or of being rejected or hurt.

Being self conscious around people or in social situations

Often addicts substitute a role or facade for actually showing up emotionally. They may play a role, i.e. teacher, guru, performer, etc. with people instead of just being able to be who they are and take their chances.

Withdrawing into work or another addiction

Some addicts escape the demands of intimacy by becoming swallowed up in work or exercise or other hobbies that take them away from their partner and other potentially intimate contacts.

Fleeing intimate connection

Many addicts can enter a relationship but leave before it becomes too intimate. They may think this is a fear of commitment, or not the “right person”, when in reality they feel inadequate to the demands of a relationship and/or fear being abandoned by anyone they are close to.

Intimacy avoidance and loneliness

The same addict who is doing everything to avoid intimacy will often feel desperately needy and lonely. Sometimes the addict is aware of a longing for connection; other times the addict lives without intimate relating but doesn’t quite know what is missing or why they push people away. Isolation and loneliness can then become the excuse and the occasion for sexual acting out such as online sex, sexual massage parlors, prostitutes, etc. It is only in recovery that the addict can recognize his or her own lack of intimacy ability and begin to practice new behaviors to overcome their fears of being known and connected.

Understanding intimacy and moving toward change

Intimacy disability in sex addiction is not a lack of desire for connection, but a fear of it. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward change and toward building healthier, more connected relationships.

Learn more about intimacy and sex addiction

If you want a deeper understanding of why intimacy avoidance develops and how it can change, Dr. Hatch explores these patterns in more detail in her book

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why You Can’t Have a Real Relationship With a Narcissist

You cannot have a real, mutual relationship with a narcissist because their need to protect a fragile sense of self prevents genuine emotional connection, empathy, and reciprocity.

Basically, you can’t get close to a narcissist. A relationship with a narcissist will be a problem, and the more narcissistic they are, the more it becomes impossible.

Sex addicts and addicts generally are often described as narcissistic, but many non-addicts are narcissists as well. Trying to have a relationship with a true narcissist can be an extremely torturous and confusing experience.

The Continuum of Narcissism

Many psychological disorders are now being talked about as existing on a “spectrum,” that is, they are not like other diseases where either you have them, or you don’t. With spectrum disorders, the set of symptoms can range from very mild to very severe.

As I have discussed previously, narcissists at the mild end may be labeled as having narcissistic personality traits such as self-centeredness and vanity; those labeled as having narcissistic personality disorder will be mostly oblivious to the needs of others and will focus on maintaining a false and grandiose sense of self. At the outermost extreme, the narcissist becomes akin to a sociopath, feeling so over-entitled and so lacking in conscience or empathy that they are opportunists and even criminals.

Many sex addicts and other kinds of addicts have what is called a narcissistic defense system, that is, they have a façade of self-importance which merely covers a deep-seated lack of self-worth.

What to Expect in a Relationship With a Narcissist

Narcissists are cut off from others by their underlying insecurity, but they can become expert at manipulating people in order to draw them in. They can be habitually seductive as a way of finding validation and power in relating to people generally. They are fundamentally impossible to connect with in the following ways.

The Narcissist Needs You to Be Focused on Them

He or she may initially show great interest and appreciation for you. This is gratifying, but it is skin deep. It is done to get you to focus on them.

They may give lavish praise and compare you favorably to others; in this way they manipulate you into trying to keep their good opinion, thus becoming more and more focused on what they think about you (and everything else). You become unconsciously afraid to displease the narcissist or incur their disapproval.

The Narcissist Needs to See Anyone Close to Them as Special

The idea here is that the narcissist needs to feel he is wonderful and that he wouldn’t be seen associating with anyone who wasn’t wonderful too. He sees you as a reflection of his own specialness.

This does not really say anything about how he really feels about you. What is important to the narcissist is how you make him look to others and to himself.

The Narcissist Will Be Controlling and Demanding

You may feel constantly thrown off from what you were doing or thinking about because the narcissist will come at you with their needs and wants. Narcissists will have their own agenda most of the time. They will use their judgmental attitude, their scrutiny of you, and their strong opinions to enforce that agenda.

If you have already become involved, you may be sacrificing yourself in a million little ways and even feeling that your life has been taken over. This is a far cry from a real relationship, in which the partners’ lives together involve mutual decision-making and genuine listening.

Narcissists Become Volatile When Challenged

Since their façade of superiority is just a façade, the narcissist will be cut to the quick if they feel criticized in any way. Their first line of defense will be to discount and devalue whatever or whoever has pricked their bubble.

But they will be deeply affected and may harbor rage or resentment. This makes it impossible to express your true feelings or needs and to have them be heard.

Narcissists Withdraw When You Stop Feeding Their Narcissism

You may be unable to shake the feeling that the relationship is tenuous because it is. It is possible to puncture a narcissist’s false self very easily.

Since your worth to him or her lies in your ability to reinforce their self-image, you can become a hindrance if and when you stop mirroring their perfection.

When Narcissistic Traits Are Less Severe

Someone who has milder narcissistic traits is probably using their grandiosity as a defense, as is the case with most sex addicts in treatment.

In recovery, they can gain a stronger sense of self-worth and let go of the narcissistic defense system. With treatment, these people may be more able to connect to their insecurities, and you may find that they both want and have a genuine capacity for a healthy relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissism and Relationships

Can a narcissist really love someone?
A narcissist may appear loving, attentive, or devoted, especially early in a relationship. However, their need to protect a fragile sense of self makes it very difficult for them to sustain genuine empathy, emotional reciprocity, and concern for another person’s inner experience. What often looks like love is more accurately a need for validation.

Is there a difference between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder?
Yes. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Some people have narcissistic traits that function as a defense against low self-worth and insecurity. Others meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder and are largely unable to recognize or respond to the needs of others. The more severe the narcissism, the less possible a mutual, healthy relationship becomes.

Can a narcissistic person change with treatment?
People with milder narcissistic traits, including many sex addicts in recovery, may be able to develop insight, tolerate vulnerability, and form healthier connections through treatment. Those with more entrenched narcissistic personality structures are far less likely to change, as they do not experience their behavior as problematic.

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Attention Deficit Disorder and Sex Addiction: What’s the Connection?

A large number of sex addicts have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)

Dr. Rory Reid of UCLA did research in 2007 and 2011 in which groups of men in treatment for sex addiction were assessed for ADHD and in which 23%-26% were found to meet the criteria for adult ADHD.  Almost all of these (97%) were of the “predominantly inattentive type” rather than being predominantly hyperactive. (The prevalence of ADHD in the general population is 3-5% according to Reid.)

Can impulsivity or low self-concept explain the correlation?

Dr. Reid also gathered evidence about whether ADHD might be “driving” sex addiction due to the impulsivity of people with attention deficit as children.

Continue reading

Intimacy Disability and the Loneliness of Sex Addicts

Addicts are profoundly lonely. They may be active and sociable; they may have friends. But in terms of the deeper emotional connection to a partner, they tend to keep themselves on a starvation diet. The loneliness of course is self-imposed. Addicts are not addicts because they are making up for the fact that they don’t happen to have a lover. Their addiction and their emotional isolation are both related to a deep fear of intimacy. It has always been striking to me that they should suffer so much in their alienation.

Childhood issues

I find that most often sex addicts are not aware of how fearful they are about intimate relationships.  They have most likely come from families in which they received inadequate or inappropriate forms of connection with adults. Without realizing it, they have adopted a way of behaving based on fear and the avoidance of intimate connection.

I have heard many addicts tell me that as a child they felt ignored discounted, abandoned or invisible. This is their model of close relating; it is one of intense pain and stress. And this can be true despite the fact that their family life and childhood appeared outwardly “normal“.

Intimacy avoidance and sexual acting out

Many sex addicts are using their addictive acting out behavior as a substitute for an intimate connection. Their addictive behavior provides an illusion of some kind of connection, reinforced by sexual gratification in a situation that is safe. Sexual acting out is emotionally safe because it requires nothing from the addict on an emotional level.

For the typical sex addict, this way of finding gratification without intimacy is not a matter of wanting to be selfish and controlling, although that is how it ends up looking. But rather it is a way of finding an escape from negative emotions and achieving some gratification without having to experience intense discomfort and fear. Sometimes it is due to sexual inhibition and shame. Other times it is the fear of letting their guard down and feeling that they will inevitably be hurt. Or it involves feeling so unworthy and unlovable that they cannot feel free to be who they are. Usually it is a combination of the above.

Intimacy avoidance in relationships

The intimacy avoidance that goes along with sex addiction shows up in relationships in a number of ways.

  • Avoiding sex

Sexual connecting in the context of an intimate relationship can be too difficult for an addict to do comfortably. Even if they are very attracted to their partner or would-be partner, they may try to create emotional distance. For example, they may be emotionally absent during sex or lost in fantasy, they may want to drink alcohol as a way to be less present during sex, or they may avoid sex altogether.

  • Avoiding physical intimacy

Sex addicts often come from families in which there was an absence of physical touching and affection. Thus they may feel that hugging, cuddling, etc. are awkward and uncomfortable. Some addicts were smothered by physical touching in an inappropriate way and they too may avoid physical affection due to feeling vulnerable.

  • Not being able to express their needs

Many sex addicts isolate themselves emotionally by avoiding letting the other person in on what they feel, need or want. This is a fear of being unworthy or of being rejected or hurt.

  • Being self conscious around people or in social situations

Often addicts substitute a role or facade for actually showing up emotionally. They may play a role, eg teacher, guru, performer, etc. with people instead of just being able to be who they are and take their chances.

  • Withdrawing into work or another addiction

Some addicts escape the demands of intimacy by becoming swallowed up in work or exercise or other hobbies that take them away from their partner and other potentially intimate contacts.

  • Fleeing intimate connection

Many addicts can enter a relationship but leave before it becomes too intimate. They may think this is a fear of commitment, or not the “right person”, when in reality they feel inadequate to the demands of a relationship and/or fear being abandoned by anyone they are close to.

Intimacy avoidance and loneliness

The same addict who is doing everything to avoid intimacy will often feel desperately needy and lonely. Sometimes the addict is aware of a longing for connection; other times the addict lives without intimate relating but doesn’t quite know what is missing or why they push people away. Isolation and loneliness can then become the excuse and the occasion for sexual acting out such as online sex, sexual massage parlors, prostitutes, etc. It is only in recovery that the addict can recognize his or her own lack of intimacy ability and begin to practice new behaviors to overcome their fears of being known and connected.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

5 Signs you are Involved with a Narcissist

Basically you can’t get close to a narcissist.  A relationship with a narcissist will be a problem, and the more narcissistic they are the more it becomes impossible.

Sex addicts and addicts generally are often described as narcissistic, but many non-addicts are narcissists as well.  Trying to have a relationship with a true narcissist can be an extremely tortuous and confusing experience.

The continuum of narcissism

Many psychological disorders are now being talked about as existing on a “spectrum”, that is they are not like other diseases where either you have them or you don’t.  With spectrum disorders the set of symptoms can range from very mild to very severe.

As I have discussed previously, narcissists at the mild end may be labeled as having narcissistic personality traits such as self centeredness and vanity; those labeled as having narcissistic personality disorder will be mostly oblivious of the needs of others and will focus on maintaining a false and grandiose sense of a self.  At the outer most extreme the narcissist becomes akin to a sociopath, feeling so over-entitled and so lacking in conscience or empathy that they are opportunists and even criminals.

Many sex addicts and other kinds of addicts have what is called a narcissistic defense system, that is they have a façade of self importance which merely covers a deep seated lack of self worth.

What to expect with a narcissist

Narcissists are cut off from others by their underlying insecurity but they nevertheless can become expert at manipulating people in order to draw them in.  They can be habitually seductive as a way of finding validation and power in relating to people generally.  They are fundamentally impossible to connect with in the following ways.

  • The narcissist needs you to be focused on him.

He or she may initially show  great interest and appreciation for you.  This is gratifying but is skin deep.  It is done to get you to focus on them.  They may give lavish praise and compare you favorably to others; in this way they manipulate you into trying to keep their good opinion thus becoming more and more focused on what they think about you (and everything else.)  And you become unconsciously afraid to displease the narcissist or incur his disapproval.

  • The narcissist needs to see anyone they are close to as special.

The idea here is that the narcissist needs to feel he is wonderful and that he wouldn’t be seen associating with anyone who wasn’t wonderful too.  He sees you as a reflection of his own specialness.  This does not really say anything about how he really feels about you, what is important to the narcissist is how you make him look to others and to himself.

  • The narcissist will be controlling and demanding.

You may feel constantly thrown off from what you were doing or thinking about because the narcissist will come at you with their needs and wants.  Narcissists will have their own agenda most of the time.  They will use their judgmental attitude, their scrutiny of you and their strong opinions to enforce that agenda.

If you have already become involved you may be sacrificing yourself in a million little ways and even feeling that your life has been taken over.  This is a far cry from a real relationship in which the partners’ lives together involve mutual decision making and genuine listening.

  • Narcissists will be volatile when they are challenged.

Since their façade of superiority is just a façade, the narcissist will be cut to the quick if they feel criticized in any way.  Their first line of defense will be to discount and devalue whatever or whoever has pricked their bubble.  But they will be deeply affected and may harbor rage or resentments.  This makes it impossible to express your true feelings or needs and to have them be heard.

  • Narcissists will bail out when you stop feeding their narcissism.

You may be unable to shake the feeling that the relationship is tenuous because it is.  It is possible to puncture a narcissist’s false self very easily.  And since your worth to him or her lies in your ability to reinforce their self image, you can become a hindrance if and when you stop mirroring their perfection.

Someone who has milder narcissistic traits is probably using their grandiosity as a defense, as is the case with most sex addicts in treatment.  In recovery they can gain a stronger sense of self worth and let go of the narcissistic defense system.  With treatment, these people may be more able to connect to their insecurities and you may find that they both want and have a genuine capacity for a healthy relationship.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Predatory Flirting and Intriguing as Sex Addiction Symptoms

When I first heard the term “predatory flirting” in connection with  sex addiction symptoms I was taken aback. Predatory sounds like something criminal, but flirting seemed so normal and harmless. But the term describes a symptom, a behavior, which is characteristic of certain sex addicts.

Who engages in predatory flirting?

One type of sex addict, dubbed the Seduction Role addict by Patrick Carnes, is particularly likely to engage in a lot of flirting.  The seduction addict gets his “fix” by getting women interested in him sexually or romantically.  The seduction is everything.  One seduction sex addict told me that the real high was the first kiss.  After that he would begin to lose interest and start looking for the next conquest.

The related concept in describing sex addiction symptoms is “intriguing.”  Like flirting, intriguing is a way to create a feeling of private, personal intensity.  It is a way of establishing through some subtle means such as coded comments, private jokes or pointed eye contact, that you and the other person share a connection that no one else is a part of.

Other sex addicts whose preferred behavior is serial affairs have flirting and intriguing as sex addiction symptoms.  They may use flirtation as a way to line up their sexual supply.  They follow through with the sexual liaison but can only take things so far.  A real relationship is frightening and overwhelming.  The addict will find a way to end things and move on to the next affair.  Many serial seducers are married and are investing most of their sexuality in their secret life.

Sex addicts who are addicted to romantic seduction and affairs are driven by the need to constantly re-establish their attractiveness to the opposite sex.  They are as insecure as most other kinds of sex addicts and often feel that their sexual attractiveness is all they have to offer.  They fear that if they do not hook people sexually then there will be no reason for people to be around them.

What does predatory flirting look like?

Normal flirting is a casual and tentative way of initiating contact that may become romantic.  It is the first step in a possible courtship and lets someone know that we are potentially interested.  It involves saying things that are more personal, intense, suggestive or flattering than we would say to just anyone and then if there is a response, following up with real attempts to get to know the person better.

Smoke and mirrors

When it is predatory, flirting is intense but not sincere.  It is designed to capture the person’s interest and attraction but it is not backed up by any genuine interest.  Rather it is just a habitual way that the addict approaches anyone in a broad category of target people.  It is almost automatic, a default position which represents the addict’s safest way of relating.

Wholesale sexualizing

If you know the seduction sex addict well and you observe them flirting, you will see that they are rather indiscriminate in who they flirt with.  They want to captivate everyone, from the waitress to their mother-in-law.  Also, they will begin flirting right away with someone who is attractive looking even if they don’t know them and will never see them again.

Deniability

Another feature of the seduction addict’s predatory flirting is that it is eminently deniable.  It is throwing out a lure while and the same time pretending that there is no such thing going on.  It is suggestive of something but it is hard to pin down, and this vagueness is frequently a part of predatory flirting.

One type of predatory flirting involves being over-attentive or caring toward a woman.  This suggests that the addict has a real interest in her and also that he is a caring and generally good guy.  This may be a consciously seductive scheme or not.  But often the woman will get interested in this “nice” guy and approach him back only to be told that she has misinterpreted the situation.

Intensity without intention

The predatory flirter will throw out seemingly suggestive comments designed to create a feeling of connection with not other intention than to get the woman’s attention on him. I observed a seduction addict I know run into a woman whom he had seen once before somewhere.  She remarked that it was a coincidence to which he responded: “There are no coincidences.”  It is the initial stage of the empty seduction, the attempt to create a feeling of intensity without intention.

Why is this process predatory?

The addict’s lack of intention or ability to follow through in establishing a relationship with his target women are not just sex addiction symptoms in the abstract.  What the behavior means is that he is being exploitive and insincere.  He is using his ability to hook the woman into thinking he is interested in her when in fact he is using her to get an addictive hit, to make himself feel attractive.

This kind of seductiveness and compulsive flirting is a distortion of what flirting is really for.  It is a symptom of a problem that underlies most sex addiction: deep insecurity and the fear of intimacy.   Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Denial in Sex Addiction: Delusion, Distortion and Dissociation

Denial in sex addiction is a form of distorted thinking. In fact it is a masterpiece of distorted thinking. Breaking through denial marks the beginning of addiction treatment. This is just as true for sexual addiction and behavioral addictions generally as it is for chemical dependency.

Without treatment, the set of ideas, rationalizations and beliefs that constitute a system of denial become more and more entrenched and tend to spread, becoming a world view which supports a deceptive and disordered way of life.

Even for a practicing sex addict, there are moments of clear-headedness when he or she suspects that they are engaging in a problematic or pathological pattern of behavior. But that awareness does not hold up. Why? Because denial is distorted thinking in the context of a semi-dissociated (i.e. “checked out”) state. Continue reading

The Rocky History of Sex Addiction in Public Awareness

It is the height of the AIDS epidemic, around 30 years ago. Dr. Patrick Carnes, the founding father of sex addiction theory, is going to speak to the gay community. He has been invited in by a respected African American sexologist who feels that the gay community really needs to hear his message. On this occasion Dr. Carnes is transported in one of three identical limos so that if he was attacked it would be impossible to know which limo he was in.

The ridicule and harassment began early and didn’t stop. Carnes’ daughter Dr. Stefanie Carnes, now the president of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, remembers that when she was a teenager her father received death threats.

Even some in the AA community were angered when Dr. Carnes started a 12-step recovery program for sex addiction. So what was the idea that evoked such a violent reaction? In his 1983 book Out of the Shadows, [1] Carnes defined sex addiction as “a pathological relationship with a mood-altering experience.” Twenty years later in Facing the Shadow [2] he states:

“Today we understand that addiction is an illness– a very serious disease. Furthermore, problems such as drug, food, gambling and sex addiction are actually related and rely on similar physical processes. Most important, we know that people can get help and that a good prognosis exists. Sex addiction is the last addiction to be understood.”
How sex addiction was thrown under the bus

In an article on the politics of sex addiction Marnia Robinson describes the events inside the American Medical Association in 1992 when they were considering a new specialty: addiction medicine.

“It became clear that the AMA wouldn’t agree to approve the new specialty unless sex was excluded from the list of possible addictions…the reason was strategic. Doctors were bent on snuffing out the tobacco manufacturers’ spin. Big Tobacco was pulling out all the stops to prolong the illusion that “smoking is not addictive.” It claimed that the addiction experts’ evidence should be ignored because, “the experts are saying everything’s addictive. “Excluding sex demonstrated that doctors weren’t saying everything is addictive. Besides, sex addicts were rare, while smokers were everywhere and suffering unnecessarily.”

Some recent progress

The idea of addiction to a behavior has been around for years and gambling has been included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association as an impulse disorder, but the diagnostic criteria parallel those of most addictions.

In 2011 the American Society of Addiction Medicine announced a new definition of addiction which included behavioral addictions like sex, food and gambling.

“Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Addiction affects neurotransmission and interactions within reward structures of the brain… such that the memory of previous exposures to rewards (such as food, sex, alcohol and other drugs) leads to a biological and behavioral response to external cues, in turn triggering craving and/or engagement in addictive behaviors.”

The research on the brain and behavioral addictions including sex/porn addiction is beginning to show that sex addiction is similar to other behavioral addictions.

So have people gotten over their indignation at the whole idea? Not hardly.

The furor continues

People seeking help for out-of-control sexual behavior are amazed that anyone would claim to have proved that sex addiction doesn’t “exist.” The addict knows it exists.

The overall historical trend will no doubt follow the same progression as that of alcoholism and mental illness. As I have argued elsewhere,  this trend is from demonization to criminalization to medicalization to reintegration as the problem becomes better understood.

On the one hand there are still arguments that sex addiction is not an affliction it’s just bad behavior. On the other hand there are arguments that sex addiction is just a normal variation on the sexual continuum.

The former view is based on the fear that a diagnosis of sex addiction will be too permissive, allowing all manner of sexual behavior with no moral sanctions or personal responsibility. Ironically, the second fear is the opposite: that medicalizing sex addiction will lead to a curtailing of sexual freedom with some sex police deciding what sexual behavior is healthy and what is pathological.

Who are the current sex addiction deniers?

• Pro-pornography people

People who have a vested interest in the pornography industry. Producers and/or viewers of porn are sometimes fearful of any regulation that may grow out of the awareness of internet porn as potentially addictive. One cheating website recently solicited writers from the sexology community to promote affairs as healthy and debunk any unflattering research.

• Anti-feminists

Some who wish to normalize sex addiction, the “boys will be boys” contingent, see medicalization as a feminist plot to control men.

• People with grossly mistaken beliefs

A handful of professionals who are not well acquainted with the field tend to loudly misrepresent it. One such personal communication stated:

“I’ve written extensively on the heavy moral agendas embedded in much sex addiction publications. Further, there is a strong anti-male, and anti-gay/bi male stance implicit in most sex addiction writings, labeling things as unhealthy, due to social stigma, not based on actual research or ill health.”

• Misleading Crusaders 

The occasional zealot in the professional community intent on rescuing patients from the clutches of money grubbing therapists. One of these recently tweeted the suggestion that patients file complaints:

“Remind patients: can file vs. therapist (free, any state) for “false advertising”, including “sex addiction”

What’s next?

Sex addiction treatment does not condemn any specific sexual behavior, does not support any legislation, and has no bias about gender or sexual orientation.

I am happy to report that Dr. Carnes has an article on the diagnosis of sex addiction soon to appear in The Journal of the American Medical Association. Hopefully one more step on the rocky road to understanding.

***********

1. Carnes, P. (1983b). Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Minneapolis, MN:
Compcare Publications.

2. Carnes, P.J. (2010) Facing the Shadow. Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at PsychCentral.com

What is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT)? Frequently Asked Questions

What is involved in becoming a certified sex addiction therapist or counselor?

First, an important point to remember is that only therapists already licensed or otherwise credentialed in their particular counseling field (e.g. psychologists, clinical social workers, marriage counselors, pastoral counselors) are eligible to enroll in the CSAT training.

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