Is Masturbation OK in Recovery From Sexually Addictive Behaviors?

Masturbation  can present a problem for people with sexually addictive behaviors.

I would not encourage anyone to see masturbation as inherently bad or a problem, and yet there are some people who would see any sexual activity outside of marital sex, even masturbation as wrong.  If you hold such a view on religious or other  grounds, then you may see masturbation as wrong no matter what.

But since I do not hold such a view I distinguish between those situations in which masturbation is harmless and those in which it can complicate things for someone attempting to recover from sex addiction.

When is masturbation counter-productive?

In the early months (or maybe years) of recovery I believe it is a good idea for sex addicts to abstain from masturbation, regardless of whether compulsive masturbation is one of their sexually addictive behaviors or not.  Here are some situations where Masturbation can reinforce addictive patterns.

  • Masturbation can itself be a compulsion, meaning that it is being used to excess and as a drug.  For some sex addicts masturbation is their primary sexually addictive behavior.  Often it is done in conjunction with porn use but sometimes it is done using fantasy alone.  Compulsive masturbation often starts early in life and continues into adulthood.  The addict will often develop a pattern of masturbating numerous times per day.  In order to be free of this compulsion and lead a more normal sex and relationship life in recovery, the addict will need to “kick” the habit and allow their brain chemistry to return to normal functioning.  This means total abstinence for a period of time during treatment and recovery.
  • Masturbation can be part of a pattern of other sexually addictive behaviors.  Masturbation often accompanies other sexually addictive behaviors built around fantasy such as compulsive cybersex, sexual chat,  voyeurism, and exhibitionism.  The masturbation may be done at the time of the other behavior or it may be done later using the stimulus of the memory of the event.  In this case the behavior of masturbating is tied to whatever pattern of addictive acting out behavior exists and provides the sexual gratification for which the other behavior is the stimulus.  At least initially, the addict cannot quit one behavior without quitting both.
  • Masturbation in early recovery can prevent the process of withdrawal and lead to relapse.  Since the addict’s “arousal template” as it is called, is one of addictive sexual acting out of one type or another, it is likely that any form of sexual stimulation, at least in the beginning of recovery, can lead back to cravings and urges for the addict’s preferred sexually addictive behaviors.  Even if the addict has never masturbated compulsively, masturbating in recovery can bring on cravings for other behaviors, behaviors like anonymous sex, prostitutes, etc.   I takes a long time in treatment for the unhealthy urges and fantasies to subside or at least be less powerful.  Instead of allowing the addictive pattern to weaken, masturbation may be like taking small amounts of the drug, thus prolonging the process of withdrawal.

When is masturbation a useful part of recovery?

After a sex addict has established a period of abstinence from all sexually addictive behaviors, it is possible that masturbation can be engaged in in a normal way that does not threaten their sexual sobriety.  This is very much a subjective and individual decision to be arrived at by the addict and their sponsor or counselor.

  • Masturbation can become a more healthy activity that is not a compulsion and is not tied to another sexually addictive behavior.   It may be that the addict will find it a useful way to explore and check in with the fantasies that have driven their addiction and the memories or traumatic events that have shaped their sexuality in the past.
  • Sometimes addicts can actively change the content of their masturbation fantasies to experiment with different and healthier mental stimuli.  Some addicts masturbate while thinking about their spouse or partner.
  • Or addicts may simply be able to enjoy occasional masturbation as a positive, private experience that is different from their relational sex but is not part of a compulsion or an addictive pattern.

But many times masturbation loses it’s charm for sex addicts once they have given up their sexually addictive behaviors and no longer crave the hyper-arousal that their addictive fantasies provided.

 

When Love Addicts Fall for Sex Addicts

As a therapist I have noticed that partners of sex addicts frequently have characteristics of love addicts.  This is not always the case of course.

Partners of sex addicts may be innocent bystanders.  But I think there are some reasons to suggest an affinity between love addicts and sex addicts.

There are underlying similarities between sex addicts and love addicts in terms of brain chemistry, intimacy issues, abandonment fear and co-dependentence.  Both tend to have early childhood trauma and attachment issues.

However, I think it is the separate, distinct characteristics of each that attract them to each other.

Here are my thoughts on how this pairing might come about and what function  it might serve for the addict and the partner

The allure of the sex addict

What sex addicts do is to behave in certain predictable ways that turn out to be an engraved invitation for the love addict.

  • Superficial intensity

Love addicts have the fantasy of being desired and rescued.  As Pia Mellody puts it

“When these individuals get old enough, they begin to form a fantasy in their head of somebody rescuing them from being so alone, of making them matter. The fantasy usually takes the form of being rescued by – it is like Cinderella — a knight in shining armor or a wonder woman, who will take care of them and help them come out of their dilemma of being too alone and worthless and not knowing what to do.”

Sex addicts are themselves very insecure and narcissistic.  They want to be seen as the hero even if it is a façade.  The love addict would like to be permanently swept away.  But intensity is not the same as intimacy; it is a fantasy that cannot be sustained.

  • Dishonesty

Sex addicts can appear to offer unconditional love and acceptance because they lack the ability to be who they really are in a relationship.  The sex addict is often comfortable with saying what the love addict wants to hear since he or she is invested in a whole other, secret sexual life.

This works for the love addict who needs to feel completed in a relationship.  The love addict does not see through the sex addict’s perfect love but merely projects their own fantasy onto it.  They feel safe.

  • Seductiveness

Sex addicts are seductive.  They can manipulate the love addict into feeling that they are perfect, the fairy princess.   The love addict needs to feel perfect in order to feel safe.  If I am perfect you will never leave me.

  • Lack of intention or commitment

Sex addicts substitute the intensity, superficiality and seductiveness for any real investment in the relationship or in the future.  Lacking intimacy skills they don’t confront the partner about anything, don’t negotiate, and often avoid talking about their needs and wants altogether.

The love addict cannot tolerate the requirements of real intimacy either such as being open to confrontation, being willing to admit to being imperfect or wrong, or allowing the addict to be imperfect.  Since the sex addict lacks the ability to be real and work on a relationship, the basic unavailability of the sex addict a good fit. 

As Patrick Carnes has said:

“Love addicts consciously want intimacy, but can’t tolerate healthy closeness, so they must unconsciously choose a partner who cannot be intimate in a healthy way.”

The love addict partner is unconsciously drawn toward a relationship in which there is intense romanticism (at first) but which cannot lead to a stable grown-up relationship.  In the long run, the love addict will be subjected to disappointment, deception and episodes of abandonment by the person they love.  Yet they will often continue to be “hooked” on the fantasy.

Too Good-Looking, Too Smart, or Too Rich (to give up Sexually Addictive Behaviors)

There is an old recovery saying that you can’t get sober if you are too smart, too rich or too good-looking.   Clinicians working with clients who have sexually addictive behaviors know that these attributes can sometimes present challenges.

I’m not saying that looks brains and money lead to sexually addictive behaviors but I can see some of the ways they might operate to prevent the addict getting better.

Narcissism

There is no longer any doubt that success (fame, money adoration) can cause what is known as “acquired situational narcissism.”  Narcissism is a false sense of self worth which can be bolstered and encouraged by massive amounts of positive feedback from others.  This feedback promotes narcissistic self-centeredness, lack of empathy for others and over-entitlement. (See also my blog Narcissism, Sex, Power and Herman Cain.)

Any sex addict can adopt a narcissistic defense system but the process is magnified if the person is rich, beautiful, etc.  The greater the narcissistic self-importance the greater the sense of being exempt from the ordinary rules that govern behavior.

If this superiority is constantly reinforced then the addict has a hard time getting a grip on reality.  His attitude is “I’m special, I’m allowed; even my flaws aren’t flaws.”

Masking shame

Most addicts feel some level of guilt or shame about their sexually addictive behavior.  After engaging in a behavior like repeated visits to prostitutes or sexual massage parlors or the wasting of hours on internet porn and masturbation most addicts go through a period of feeling let down.  They have engaged in an out of control behavior that they must keep secret and they soothe the feelings of self-loathing in any way they can.  Often they use other drugs to numb the feelings.

The problem for the rich successful or beautiful person is that they can use these assets as tools with which to numb or mask their negative emotions and restore their facade of self worth.  The more easily the addict can dodge the feelings of self-hate, the more easily they can avoid coming face to face with their own double life.

Normalizing sexually addictive behavior

Normalizing is one of the defenses invoked by most sex addicts but with the brilliant, beautiful or rich addict it is particularly useful in certain cases.  Take the guy who engages in repeated seduction, predatory flirting, workplace harassment or serial affairs.  If he is successful or good-looking he can much more easily excuse his behavior by saying “I can’t help it, women just come on to me—what am I supposed to do?”

In this case the special attributes can function to keep the addict in denial.  Special levels of status or achievement can be seen as justifying behavior which would be reprehensible in mere mortals.  “Beauty is life’s Easy Pass,” as a New Yorker cartoon put it.  Or in the words of Henry Kissinger, “Power is an aphrodisiac.”

Never hitting bottom

For the very good-looking, smart or rich addict can to a great extent use their special advantages to avoid or greatly minimize the adverse consequences of their behavior.  These attributes give them power and that power allows them to maintain the status quo.  They may never have to confront the reality of what is wrong with their way of life let alone what they have done to others.

The very smart, successful or powerful addict will have a hard time accepting the basic fact of his or her powerlessness over the addiction.  The very smart addict is used to relying on his ability to think his way out of a problem.  There is nothing he can’t solve.  Therefore he doesn’t need to rely on others, doesn’t need to take direction or work a program.  He’s got the answers, or so he believes.

Those around the addict face a dilemma

Attractive high-achieving people often do have many strengths.  Their intelligence, attractiveness and resources can be used in a positive way to help them overcome sexually addictive behaviors.  But as a therapist—or even as a friend, colleague or partner it is  important to notice when these traits are being used in the service of self-delusion and be prepared to confront the addict directly about it.

Adult Children of Sex Addicts: What are the Residual Effects?

Growing up with a sex addict will leave its mark.  These are my thoughts based on my own life experiences and my observations over many decades about the results of having a sex addict for a parent.

As I watched the recently publicized exchange of tweets between Mylie Cyrus and her father I saw a myriad of familiar patterns.  I am not saying that Billie Ray Cyrus is in any way a sex addict.  And I am no doubt reading into the situation, but it seemed to me that there were key elements in their relationship that rang a bell.

There are many different ways for a young person to experience the sex addiction of a parent that are covert and unconscious both on the part of the addict and the child.  My own father was a sex addict (and an actor) and I experienced his addiction indirectly in the subtle objectification of me as well as in his “girlfriend-izing” me and implicitly using me to triangulate with my mother.

Sex addicts place undue emphasis on sex.  Thus sex addicts can communicate the over importance of sex to the child in a myriad of ways. Here are some of the dynamics that play out in such families.

  • Sexualizing the child or young person by making comments about their body or their sexual desirability or even their prospects for sexual relationships later in life.  This can include taking a personal “interest” in the young child’s underwear purchases, “compliments” on their appearance which are sexually toned and so on.
  • Giving added importance to sex by making it totally taboo.  The hiding of sexuality, the refusal to acknowledge it as something to be talked about at all can convey that sex is not only dangerous but more powerful than it really is or needs to be in the young person’s mind.
  • Sexual duplicity is engrained in the child when there is a total denial of whatever is going on sexually and a repressive atmosphere around sex.  The message is that one must lead a double life, compartmentalizing sex and keeping it secret.  This means that the child and family are engaged in a collective form of denial in which there is a façade of normality and “healthiness” with a whole secret life going on.
  • Early exposure to sex either directly or by observation can be traumatic to a child who is not yet developmentally ready to make sense of this information.  At least it can be confusing and troubling and takes away a level of safety that the child needs.
  • Infidelity, whether it is explicitly seen or just going on behind the scenes can place the growing child and adolescent in a number of binds.  The child may be caught in the middle, may be made into a confidante or used as a weapon.  All these things violate the child’s generational boundaries.  The parents are supposed to be the grown-ups who take care of the child, not the other way around.

When I learned of the idea of Mylie and her father “working on” their relationship it reminded me that although this sounds reasonable, the generational boundaries can become blurred in this kind of set-up and lead to serious confusion for the adult child.

I believe the best things that adult children of sex addicts can do are:

  • Realize that your experience growing up was dysfunctional in subtle or overt ways and that this will have an impact on you.  Everyone’s childhood has its own problems, nobody’s early life is flawless.
  • Learn about sex addiction if you want to but don’t become obsessed with your parent’s problems.  If you have insecurities about yourself, your worth, your attractiveness or doubts about ever having a healthy relationship these are things you can work on in your own growth and development.
  • Don’t become over-involved with your parent’s treatment or recovery.  This is their journey and you have your own life to live.  If you get drawn in you are just continuing to re-enact the early inappropriate family patterns.
  • Be open to new models of relationship and intimacy.  What you observed in your parents as a child may have been a distorted role model built to hide, rationalize or adapt to dysfunctional relating.

Notice that your parents may have grown and changed through therapy and treatment.    If your parent seems to have pulled away from you this may just be because they are learning how to play a more appropriate, less enmeshed role with their children.  Understanding this allows you to shuffle the deck in your own life and have some faith that things can work out well for you; that healthy, happy relationships are possible.

Intimacy Disorder: An Addictive Relationship Self-Test

Intimacy disorder and addiction are most often two aspects of the same problem.  While it is true that any addiction can cause relationships to deteriorate, it is also true that sex addicts tend to end up in unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships.

Even sex addicts in good recovery may have many residual problems in approaching intimacy and relationships.  See also my article “Intimacy 101”.

What I am calling addictive relationships are relationships that are usually part of a pattern of negativity, turmoil and alienation.  The majority of the addicts I’ve worked with have grown up in families where their parents were not consistently loving, contented or appropriate with each other or their children.  Often they had addictions of their own.  This dysfunctional model may be all the addict has ever known.

Below is a self-test designed to get you thinking about the intimacy disorder aspect of sex or love addiction.  It is not scientific but it is based on my experience working with addicts.  It is adapted from my recent book Relationships in Recovery: A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over.

  1. My relationships typically start with intense sexual attraction and rapid involvement.
  2. I find it easy to start relationships, but they always get complicated.
  3. I sometimes stay in a relationship because I am afraid of being on my own.
  4. I sometimes placate or manipulate my partner to avoid confronting things.
  5. I find it easy to get into thinking that my partner is to blame.
  6. My partner and I don’t talk about our feelings about the relationship.
  7. Either I feel superior to my partner, or I feel my partner is superior to me.
  8. I am dishonest with my partner at times to avoid upsetting him/her.
  9. When I am in a relationship, my partner and I don’t socialize with friends as a couple very much.
  10. I feel that having a good relationship is hopeless.

You will see that some of these items are characteristic of dysfunctional relationships in general.  But sex addicts will have experienced at least half of them when they have attempted to sustain an intimate bond with a partner.

The intimacy avoidance characteristic of sex and love addicts means that they can’t get close; they are afraid of intimate, honest relating and expect it to bring pain and shame.  They also can’t let go.  They often put up with a bad situation due to their fear of feeling abandoned and inadequate.  Thus addictive relationships are characterized by ambivalence and feeling stuck and hopeless.

The fears, insecurities and low self worth that characterize addicts predictably lead to relationships that are intimacy avoidant.  Addicts growing up did not experience intimate bonds as supportive, validating or safe.

In recovery from sex addiction the addict who is ready to try for a healthier kind of relating will have to do three things:

  • Examine his/her relationship history in detail
  • Come to understand their past relationship style and how it supported the addiction
  • Write a plan for the future which puts rules and boundaries in place for healthier relating

In addition, the recovery from intimacy disorder will involve making an attempt to envision and outline the kind of relationship the sex addict wants for the future.  This vision may be totally new to the addict.  It will involve:

  • Living together in integrity and harmony
  • Giving and providing safety and support
  • Sharing all the parts of oneself including intellectual, social and sexual life
  • Being able to commit and developing a capacity for devotion
  • Willingness to be hurt as part of healthy vulnerability
  • Putting energy into the relationship but being willing to be alone if things don’t work out

In emerging from an intimacy disorder the good news is that relationships can be the most meaningful and enjoyable aspect of your life.  You can continue to grow as you enjoy the fruits of recovery.

When is Cheating a Sexually Addictive Behavior?

As is the case with all sexually addictive behavior, having extramarital affairs can be part of an addiction or not.  Addiction is not defined by the nature of the affair or even necessarily the quantity of affairs.

Sexually addictive behaviors vary widely. But all such behaviors have certain common elements.  These have to do with

  • The way the behavior is conducted
  • The presence of sexual compulsivity in other areas
  • The function it serves in the person’s emotional life,

The way the behavior is conducted

What if one partner in a relationship has a one-time sexual experience while on a business trip?  Let’s suppose this kind of thing has never happened before and the person feels terrible about it.  He or she decides not to do it again (and doesn’t), tells their spouse about it (and whether it was protected sex or not) and does whatever is necessary to reassure the partner or spouse and repair the damage.  In this case the person has done three important things:

  • Has been honest right away
  • Has learned from the experience
  • Has been able to repair his relationship
  • Has made a decision to avoid further betrayal

This is a “pure case” in which the person shows none of the typical responses of the addict.  He knows his priorities and can act on them.  He will be motivated to be honest with his wife about what he wants to do in the future.  For example, he may want the freedom to go to a strip club with his colleagues while on a trip.  If this is OK with his wife then there is no problem.  The same holds true for pornography use; if it is done in moderation, is OK with the spouse, does not harm the relationship etc. then it’s not addictive.

Affairs can be part of a larger set of addictive sexual behaviors

But what if this person in the above example who has the one-time “fling” is also compulsively viewing internet pornography?  What if he is keeping the extent of his porn use from his wife?  Here a clinician would begin to see the affair as part of a larger picture.  Most sex addicts engage in more than one sexually addictive behavior.  If there is a secret sexually compulsive behavior then the affair may be part of the same problem.  And there may be other affairs or behaviors that are hidden.

So the extramarital affair in the context of another sexually addictive behavior or set of behaviors is one way in which it can be categorized as sex addiction.

The function the affair serves

Obviously if the person in a relationship is having repeated affairs and keeping it secret one would suspect that the person is using the affairs as a drug.  Of course some people are just cheaters, people incapable of an intimate commitment or unable to be accountable for their behavior.  These people may be extremely emotionally undeveloped or they may be sociopathic, but they are not sex addicts.

Most sex addicts have a long-standing habit of using their sexually addictive behavior to medicate fears, insecurities, loneliness, or other negative emotions.  You will most likely see that having affairs is being used to:

  • Take the place of vulnerability and openness in a committed relationship
  • Escape self-hate by living out a fantasy role
  • Deal with fears of abandonment by their partner
  • Affirm their worth by proving they are sexually attractive
  • Avoid sex with a real person or a person who is their equal

Low self worth, fear and shame

The common denominators in sexually addictive behavior, including addictive affairs, are low self worth and avoidance of real intimacy.  These things may be especially hard to decipher when the affairs are separated by long periods of time.  Emotional insecurities are also hard to spot in addicts who simply maintain one long affair outside their marriage.

I have seen more than one sex addict who sustained an affair with one person over decades.  In these cases the people qualified as a sex addicts because their affairs represented a deep seated and compulsive need to split off part of themselves from their spouse or partner.

Having secret, separate life strongly suggests that the person is avoiding something threatening or painful in relationships.  The fact that they are long-standing and hidden, strongly suggests that the person feels that this part of his or her life is shameful.

Very likely a thorough professional evaluation will be able to discover whether affairs are part of a larger pattern of addictive behaviors, whether they are being used as a drug to escape from oneself and whether they represent an avoidance of intimate relating with a partner.  Not surprisingly, affair addicts often see that they have a serious problem but fail to identify it as sexual addiction in themselves.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Mistaking Sex for Love: Sex Addiction Symptoms and Relationships

Evaluating people in sexual terms is becoming a more common cultural phenomenon as opposed to just one of the sex addiction symptoms. There are increasingly sexualized imagery appearing across all media.  Cocktail waitresses and centerfolds have always looked sexy, but now our TV news anchor seems to look more and more like a former beauty queen at a singles party. At some point most people can begin to separate love from mere physical lust.  But for sex and love addicts this can be a difficult distinction.  One of the sex addiction symptoms is the avoidance of real intimacy with a partner and the seeking out of an intense “experience” with a fantasy object of some sort. The real relationship in the sex addict’s life, if there is one, is likely to be somewhat alienated, even when there is an apparent feeling of attachment.  This is not universally true of course but often the same addict who says he loves his wife will avidly seek out online encounters with people he barely knows, or build elaborate fantasies around his “relationship” with a sexual masseuse or believe that he will be able to date his favorite stripper.  Many addicts in and out of relationships feel a strong and seemingly delusional pull to connect with people they relate to only sexually and sometimes only in their minds. Sex addiction symptoms and behaviors impact a relationship in that the addict is partly “gone,” and this is what often gives partners and spouses the feeling that something is wrong even when they can’t prove it and the addict denies it. Mistaking sex for love can spread in families Children The culture at large tends to encourage young people to view others (and themselves) increasingly in sexual terms.  Children are exposed to sexually explicit material at younger and younger ages not only in online pornography but also in print media, music videos, movies, TV and gaming.  Hopefully most will grow up to be relatively normal in sexual and relationship terms. What happens to children of sex addicts is that they may be given covert messages about sex that cause confusion.  It does not matter whether the addict is an outwardly puritanical while secretly leading a double life, or whether he is more overtly sexual in his talk and attitudes toward people.  The result is the same for the children.  The message gets through that sex is crucial. In the puritanical message sex is given extreme importance through being seen as too dangerous even to talk openly about. And as Patrick Carnes has pointed out the puritanical façade promotes sexual duplicity as the norm. In the overtly sexual parent there may be much discussion of other people’s looks or sexual attributes or even inappropriate focus on the sexual features or attractiveness of the child or their friends.  This conveys to the growing child or adolescent that they are and will be evaluated and found worthy or not in terms of their sexual appeal. Partners Partners and spouses of sex addicts tend to be lead down the same path in various ways.  If the partner or spouse is a woman she will have experienced the cultural pressure to be sexually “hot” from a very early age.  If a core belief of the addict is that “sex is my most important need” then the woman who is the partner of the addict may internalize the corresponding belief that “sex is the most important sign of love.” Long before discovering the sex addiction, partners of addicts may be conditioned to believe that their value as a woman or spouse is largely in their sexual desirability.   This can be reinforced in many subtle ways by a sex addict. I had a voyeuristic sex and porn addict tell me that he knowingly pointed out attractive men to his wife in order to clear the way for him to fixate on other women.  In this way the addict can normalize his preoccupation with sex both for himself and in his wife’s eyes. Another addict in his 60’s that I worked with fixated on and ogled young girls.  He made frequent comments to his wife about women being old or “long in the tooth,” etc. Sometimes women will begin to be more overt in making sexual comments about other men as a way to restore parity, to get back at the partner, and to defend against her own fear of being sexually evaluated. A word about sexual betrayal Most of the literature on partners of sex addicts emphasizes the fact that of all the sex addiction symptoms the deception, secrecy and breach of trust are seen by partners as the most traumatic aspects of the discovery of betrayal.  But the fact that the betrayal is a seen as a sexual rejection (even if some would say that logically it isn’t) is likely to be experienced as a rejection of the whole relationship. It can and does feel like the end of what is most essential to them and to their bond of love. Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Is “Real” Sex Healthier Than Porn and Cybersex?

Many sex addiction therapists base their thinking on the idea that real or “relational” sex, sex with a real person as opposed to porn, cybersex or masturbation is healthier in some way.  They tend to believe that a preference for non-relational sex is not entirely healthy and that it is often the basis of sexual addiction.

Other clinicians and many people generally feel that it is wrong to place relational sex on a pedestal.

Some think non-relational sex is just as valid a form of sexual expression and feel that the other side is just being moralistic and narrow-minded.  I will look at some of the arguments on either side.

The argument for fantasy sex

  • All sex is about domination fantasies anyway

Experts have argued that all sexual arousal relates in some way to fantasy and that all sexual fantasy has ultimately got something to do with domination and submission.  It doesn’t matter whether you are dominant or submissive, so the argument goes, your arousal relates ultimately to a fantasy involving unequal power.

This argument suggests that there is not so much to choose between the real person and the virtual one if the fantasy content that arouses us sexually is basically the same.

  • All sex can be used for damaging purposes

The pro relational sex folks might argue that relational sex is somehow more humane and less prone to exploitive or criminal behavior.  But the other side would argue that sex with a partner can be just as exploitive and potentially harmful in certain circumstances and that solitary sex such as masturbation to porn or fantasy can be seen as safe and humane.

  • The preference for relational sex is a religious leftover

This argument assumes that if you are not an anything-goes “liberal” then you are a conservative throw-back.  It ignores the fact that there are increasingly arguments coming from the gender justice, humanist and neo-feminist camps that view pornographic fantasies as corrosive on grounds other than traditional ones.  The “liberals” argue that there is nothing wrong with heightening arousal through imagery and fantasies that add an air of mystery or the forbidden and that sexual experimentation is normal and healthy.

The argument for relational sex

  • Deception, secrecy and shame

We don’t blatantly look at pornography in public or engage in cybersex in front of friends and relatives and so there must be something inherently shameful about it.  Although the secrecy may add to the arousal, it can also be construed as promoting a secret life and a splitting off of sexuality from relationships.

Having a secret life is an integral part of sex addiction and so the pro relational sex people might see that what started out as a harmless promoter of fantasy arousal can become a compartmentalized way of life.

  • Cybersex leads to losing track of reality

People who engage in cybersex can present themselves as other than who they really are.  This is based on the problematic belief that no one would want them as they really are.  But this can lead deeper into fantasy life and away from reality.

Sex addicts who engage in behaviors like online relationships, phone sex and even massage parlors and prostitutes can and do become very fantasy ridden about the person they have the make-believe relationship with.  They can become semi-delusional about what is really going on in the “relationship.”

  • Relational sex is more gender equal

A recent article reported that sex in an onging relationship provided more equal satisfaction to both partners in terms of such things as orgasm and equal amounts of giving and receiving of oral sex when compared to having sex with someone you were not dating or just met.

Another line of argument says that sex outside of a real relationship with another person is sexual objectification.  And a host of ill effects of sexual objectification  are talked about; everything from eating disorders to an increase in cosmetic surgery among teens.  See any of the excellent work by professor Robert Jensen like “Pornography is What the End of the World Looks Like.”

There is no question that there are major changes going on in the realm of real and virtual relating as well as changes in the way relationships are established and conducted.  My own feeling is that we are in a period of great turmoil and confusion about where it will all end up.  This in turn breeds overblown fear and polarized attitudes.  But real connecting with another person is a huge part of what makes us human, and I for one believe it’s here to stay.   Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why do Therapists Tell You to “Sit with Your Feelings”?

This is one of those therapy clichés that never worked for me.  Since it refers to negative feelings, it always sounded unreasonable to ask people to sit there feeling angry or sad and not try to do something to feel better.  And yet it is routinely said to our sex addict patients and to patients in general.

If we are going to tell someone to sit with their feelings I think we owe it to them to tell them what this means and why it might help.  Sometimes it’s good to escape from your feelings and sometimes it’s better to delve more deeply into them.

When to escape your feelings

Feeling bad feelings is not helpful in and of itself.  In fact it may be stressful and if it continues could potentially take a toll on your functioning, your sex addiction treatment, your relationships and your heath.

If feeling miserable has become a way of life and you have allowed being unhappy to become part of your identity then there is probably something that needs to change. The same is true for feeling resentful or rebellious all the time.  Negative feelings are not productive if you let them become part of the definition of who you are. In these cases escape means getting help.

On an everyday level feelings are just feelings.  They come and they go and it doesn’t do any good to get alarmed by them or to get down on yourself about them.  By and large you can escape the minor irritations and disappointments that occur by just getting involved with something else or waiting until they pass.  You didn’t get to the phone in time, you burned the toast.  Oh well, you say, and you get on with your day.  Managing the ebb and flow of feelings is part of having good adaptive skills.

If you are saddened by the suffering in the world it may motivate you to become active in a cause.  But if you cannot escape the feelings of despondency and the preoccupation that feeds them you will be harming yourself. You will not be helping others by leading a miserable or unfulfilling life.

When to become more deeply aware of your feelings

One way to think of addictions like drugs,  gambling or sex is that they serve the function of numbing negative feelings.  All addictions start out as ways to avoid or eliminate pain and unpleasant emotions.

When someone is in sex addiction treatment, one of the treatment strategies is to get them to be willing to become aware of the feelings (like fear, resentment, self-loathing) that they are trying to medicate through the addiction.  We do this by getting them to give up the addictive drug or behavior and connecting the dots that will allow them to understand and let go of the feelings.  To do this they need to feel the feeling however painful.

Apart from working through ghosts of the past, this process also allows you to see that feelings won’t kill you and that you can in fact do quite well without medicating them in your usual way.

But there are other good reasons outside of the therapy situation, to allow yourself to fully feel whatever it is that you are feeling.

Knowing what you feel right now, good or bad, is part of knowing who you are at this moment.  It is the most basic way to be mindful, and mindful presence is what allows you to be fully yourself in the moment.

Being honest with yourself is better for you.  Trying to suppress what you really feel involves effort and stress.  Allowing yourself to just experience what you feel whether or not you express it or do anything about it is actually physically more healthful.

Being “in denial” about what you feel is harmful in another way.  Denial is a kind of self delusion and the delusion doesn’t just stop with denying your feelings; it tends to spread to other areas of life and it means that you don’t fully live in reality.

Last but not least, feeling negative feelings allows us to connect not only with ourselves but with other people.  We can connect romantically or intellectually but it is connecting on the level of our deepest feelings that allows us to truly know and be known.  Furthermore it is the basis of empathy.  The closer we get to our feelings the more we are on solid ground as far as our relation to our partner and all of those we care about.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource.

“Honesty is an Aphrodisiac” – But is This True for Sex Addicts?

I heard the saying “honesty is an aphrodisiac” a long time ago and I felt intuitively that it was true.  But does honesty really set the stage for sexual arousal?  If we are talking about a healthy, committed relationship I think the answer is probably yes.

If honesty in a relationship is being yourself with a partner, being open about who you are and what you are feeling at a given moment then honesty undoubtedly brings you closer.  In fact being vulnerable enough to let a partner know what you feel and what you need is one definition of intimacy.

In sexual terms there is no doubt that communicating honestly about what we feel, what we like and don’t like frees us up to experience what is most arousing to us and can increase our enjoyment of sex.  This suggests that if we share our secret sexual wishes with someone we are letting go of any residual shame that we may feel about those thoughts or urges and are allowing ourselves to become more comfortable with ourselves.

For practicing sex addicts honesty doesn’t work

Comfort and vulnerability are not what sex addicts associate with sexual excitement. Practicing sex addicts find powerful sexual excitement in a world of fantasy.  Whether this fantasy is a scenario on a computer screen, a lap dance, online sexual chat, or a hook-up with a prostitute they are “acting out,” and what they are acting out are their fantasies.  The experience is one of hyper-arousal and in fact sexual arousal is thought to be physiologically connected in some ways to fear.  Fear and risk taking can increase our general level of arousal and can amp up our sexual excitement, as can certain drugs.

If the addict has a spouse or partner but is completely lost in fantasy during sex then they are using their partner to act out their addiction, to use their drug.  And if this is the case they are being dishonest and are closing the door to sexual intimacy with that person.

Honesty works better for the addict in recovery

Recovering sex addicts hope to have a sex life that, while it involves some personal erotic fantasies, also involves a real relationship and an ability to become aroused and to be sexually gratified within a partner.

As addicts progress in their recovery, honesty becomes increasingly meaningful in supporting a healthy sex life.

As the addict recovers he or she gains a stronger and more positive sense of who they are.    Sharing our honest feelings and wants with someone is an act of trust.  It means not only that we trust our partner, but that we trust our new found sense of self, we know that we have nothing to be ashamed of.

Being accepted for who we really are not only makes us feel more trusting it makes us feel that it is possible to be loved.  We feel that we are OK in our core we not longer feel that we have to put up a front or an act in order to be acceptable.  This in turn works wonders for intimacy and for sexual fulfillment.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource