Intimacy and Secrets: Why Sex Addicts Won’t Tell All

Telling a partner their sexual secrets is the last thing that most sex addicts want to do.  Yet it is considered a vital part of sex addiction recovery for the addict and not just for the partner or spouse.

Disclosing everything about the addict’s secret life is important in finding or maintaining intimacy and yet it seldom happens all at once. Despite the fact that sex addiction therapists and sex addiction support groups stress honesty and coming clean with your spouse or partner, addicts fear it like the plague.  (For additional information about the process of disclosure and planned disclosure in therapy see my postPartners Need to Know the Secrets and Lies of Sex Addiction”.)

Trickling or staggered disclosure

It is normal for sex addicts to want to hold back as much about their addiction as they think they can get away with.  So initially, they are likely to disclose only the minimum they think they need to.  As treatment progresses and the partner or spouse gets more involved, additional sexual behaviors or additional details about the sexual activities may come out or be discovered.  Staggered disclosure is considered by therapists to be the norm (see Corley and Schneider, Disclosing Secrets, 2002).

The resistance to revealing everything

There are a number of reasons why addicts find it so hard to just tell it all; some have to do with overt manipulation and some are more psychological.

  • Wanting to contain the problem and avoid the risk of turmoil or divorce.  Disclosure does cause turmoil but it does not necessarily cause divorce.  Addicts are often justifiably afraid that honesty may result in a break-up.  They have in effect made a bargain: they are giving up the possibility for real intimacy in their relationship in order to maintain the relationship.  This is probably a long-standing bargain so it is hard to see it as such.  It is based on the addict’s insecurity, abandonment fear and negative core beliefs about him/her self.
  • Wanting to “protect” the partner or spouse.  Yes, disclosure is hurtful to spouses and partners of the addict.  But here again the addict is making a trade off: they are saying in effect ‘Hurting my partner by keeping sexual secrets and sacrificing a closer bond is better than hurting my partner by telling the truth.’  Better for who?   In most cases the wish to protect the partner is a rationalization
  • Thinking that certain facts don’t count.  Addicts in early recovery may not really understand the many ways, large and small, that they have acted out their sexual compulsivity.  It is typical in recovery for addicts to add things to the list of sexually addictive behaviors as they gain greater self awareness.  A porn addict may not be thinking that his sporadic affairs were part of an “addiction.”  Another addict may not immediately realize that coming on to a friend’s wife at a party was related to his addiction to extramarital hook-ups.
  • Wanting to be able to continue the undisclosed behavior.  This is not necessarily a conscious wish to be devious.  It may be that the addict stays in denial about a particular behavior, believing it to be innocent or irrelevant because of an unconscious motivation to cling to the behavior and a fear of having to give it up.  Such is the compulsive and deluded nature of addictive behavior.

Honesty, remorse and empathy

Addicts hold the core belief that they are unworthy of love.  They avoid intimacy by losing themselves in their addictive behavior which not only serves to “medicate” anxiety, depression and other negative emotions but also serves to avoid the risk of rejection by an intimate partner.

As addicts recover, they gradually let go of long-standing feelings of shame, fear and inadequacy.  They are more willing to risk real intimacy and let go of their sexual fantasy life.  As they gain a stronger sense of self they become more courageous as well as more genuinely remorseful and empathic.

Honesty with oneself and one’s partner is considered to be an indication of progress in recovery. It is evidence of a new-found ability to connect.  It is both a cause and effect of the healing process.  The addict demonstrates a new more integrated self by being honest with himself and others—even when it’s scary.

In this sense the growing ability to tell our secrets is part of the process of trauma and addiction recovery.  It doesn’t happen all at once.

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Partners Need to Know the Secrets and Lies of Sex Addiction

People generally do not want to disclose their sex addiction to their intimate partner.  And yet in sex addiction treatment we believe that couples cannot begin the process of recovery as long as the addict is still keeping secrets or telling lies.  Hence the saying in treatment circles:

Tell it all, tell it soon!

This is not to say that we cannot have a private inner life or that we have to tell our spouse or partner everything we think or do.  But telling the truth about sex addiction is an essential part of recovery.  It is essential for the addict, for the partner and for the relationship.

When disclosure is not necessary

Disclosing the full extent of a sex addiction is not generally advised when the couple are planning to divorce or separate.  Couples in the process of separation and divorce are dealing with a lot of emotional and real life upheaval.  The disclosure of the details of sexual betrayal may be detrimental to the process of separating.  It can fan the fires of resentment and conflict around settlement and custody issues.  Often a partial disclosure has taken place which is part of the reason for the divorce.  Disclosure can add to the traumatization of the partner who already feels betrayed, without serving any useful purpose.

Disclosing to a partner is often partial and disorganized

Partial disclosure, or disclosing in “stages,” is the norm although it is not considered a good idea.  The addict feels the pressure to come clean but wants to hold back some facts about the sex addiction, usually those that are most damaging or shameful.  The addict who has been partially found out is in a crisis state and is most often very afraid of abandonment by a partner.  The feeling is that if the spouse or partner knew everything they would surely leave.  This is not necessarily a true or rational idea.

However, full disclosure sets the stage not only for the addict to begin a new way of living but for the relationship to begin on a new basis of honesty and trust.  Every time another little piece of information about the addict’s past behavior trickles out it makes the partner feel like it is just more than they can take.  This is because the partner feels the dishonesty may have no end.

The commitment to truthfulness going forward

Holding on to secrets is a sign that the addict is not in very good recovery.  “Rigorous honesty” is considered to be at the heart of the 12-step model of addiction recovery.  There is a level of self hate and shame in the addict who feels he cannot be honest.  He is continuing to act on the core belief that if someone really knew him they could never love him.  It is a way to hang onto control but it is unfair.

Dishonesty about who we are sexually is a way to keep ourselves apart from our partner.  It is a fatal barrier to true intimacy, which involves allowing ourselves to be known.  It also gives the addict unequal power.

To the partner, the fact that they do not know what is going on or has gone on means that not only do they not know their addict partner very well but they do not have a view of their life that is based in reality.  Partners cannot find contentment and happiness if their reality is being manipulated by someone else.

What not to disclose

The optimal way to disclose the facts of a sex addiction to a partner is thought to be through a “planned disclosure.”  This is one where the couple prepare separately with their counselors and carry out the disclosure in the presence of a treating professional.

As part of the preparation, the partner or spouse will decide what it is they want to hear.  This is very important.  The addict may want to tell more than the partner wants to know.  The addict will have to take direction from the partner as to what to disclose.  For example, the partner may or may not want to know how many times the addict did a certain thing, or with whom, or what the details of the act were.

Planned full disclosure may be the ideal, but people are human and it is often not that neat.  We need to accept that both people may be afraid and mistrustful.  The addict may try to get away with holding onto a few key pieces of information our of fear, and the partner may resort to spying on the addict’s email in order to deal with the crazy-making feelings of mistrust.

But even if it is not perfect, the disclosure must take place for the relationship to survive and thrive.