When I first heard the term “predatory flirting” in connection with sex addiction symptoms I was taken aback. Predatory sounds like something criminal, but flirting seemed so normal and harmless. But the term describes a symptom, a behavior, which is characteristic of certain sex addicts.
Who engages in predatory flirting?
One type of sex addict, dubbed the Seduction Role addict by Patrick Carnes, is particularly likely to engage in a lot of flirting. The seduction addict gets his “fix” by getting women interested in him sexually or romantically. The seduction is everything. One seduction sex addict told me that the real high was the first kiss. After that he would begin to lose interest and start looking for the next conquest.
The related concept in describing sex addiction symptoms is “intriguing.” Like flirting, intriguing is a way to create a feeling of private, personal intensity. It is a way of establishing through some subtle means such as coded comments, private jokes or pointed eye contact, that you and the other person share a connection that no one else is a part of.
Other sex addicts whose preferred behavior is serial affairs have flirting and intriguing as sex addiction symptoms. They may use flirtation as a way to line up their sexual supply. They follow through with the sexual liaison but can only take things so far. A real relationship is frightening and overwhelming. The addict will find a way to end things and move on to the next affair. Many serial seducers are married and are investing most of their sexuality in their secret life.
Sex addicts who are addicted to romantic seduction and affairs are driven by the need to constantly re-establish their attractiveness to the opposite sex. They are as insecure as most other kinds of sex addicts and often feel that their sexual attractiveness is all they have to offer. They fear that if they do not hook people sexually then there will be no reason for people to be around them.
What does predatory flirting look like?
Normal flirting is a casual and tentative way of initiating contact that may become romantic. It is the first step in a possible courtship and lets someone know that we are potentially interested. It involves saying things that are more personal, intense, suggestive or flattering than we would say to just anyone and then if there is a response, following up with real attempts to get to know the person better.
Smoke and mirrors
When it is predatory, flirting is intense but not sincere. It is designed to capture the person’s interest and attraction but it is not backed up by any genuine interest. Rather it is just a habitual way that the addict approaches anyone in a broad category of target people. It is almost automatic, a default position which represents the addict’s safest way of relating.
Wholesale sexualizing
If you know the seduction sex addict well and you observe them flirting, you will see that they are rather indiscriminate in who they flirt with. They want to captivate everyone, from the waitress to their mother-in-law. Also, they will begin flirting right away with someone who is attractive looking even if they don’t know them and will never see them again.
Deniability
Another feature of the seduction addict’s predatory flirting is that it is eminently deniable. It is throwing out a lure while and the same time pretending that there is no such thing going on. It is suggestive of something but it is hard to pin down, and this vagueness is frequently a part of predatory flirting.
One type of predatory flirting involves being over-attentive or caring toward a woman. This suggests that the addict has a real interest in her and also that he is a caring and generally good guy. This may be a consciously seductive scheme or not. But often the woman will get interested in this “nice” guy and approach him back only to be told that she has misinterpreted the situation.
Intensity without intention
The predatory flirter will throw out seemingly suggestive comments designed to create a feeling of connection with not other intention than to get the woman’s attention on him. I observed a seduction addict I know run into a woman whom he had seen once before somewhere. She remarked that it was a coincidence to which he responded: “There are no coincidences.” It is the initial stage of the empty seduction, the attempt to create a feeling of intensity without intention.
Why is this process predatory?
The addict’s lack of intention or ability to follow through in establishing a relationship with his target women are not just sex addiction symptoms in the abstract. What the behavior means is that he is being exploitive and insincere. He is using his ability to hook the woman into thinking he is interested in her when in fact he is using her to get an addictive hit, to make himself feel attractive.
This kind of seductiveness and compulsive flirting is a distortion of what flirting is really for. It is a symptom of a problem that underlies most sex addiction: deep insecurity and the fear of intimacy. Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource
19 Comments
I can relate to the point that was made about flirting a lot due to low self esteem. When I was in active alcohol addiction and occasionally afterwards I displayed similar behavior. For a long time I thought I was unlovable. I was pretty though. Naturally I would do the eye contact thing with guys I was not the least bit interested in. I got myself into trouble a couple times with unwanted advances and even stalking behaivior. I get kind of grossed out by the thought of some of the extremely undesirable characters I would flirt with.
On another note, While I know sex addiction is serious and true and real and can lead to terrible actions, It seems like sex addiction professionals think just about everyone is a sex addict. To me it’s kind of like thinking everyone that drinks is an alcoholic.
So how do I stop?!?
My advice is, reading this shows you want to stop if this is for real. Knowledge is power and now that you know you can take precautions to avoid interacting in such a manner. I found this looking for someone I know to understand what they are going through and now they know so they can see it coming as it starts hopefully. The help will be on going. Lean on someone who you can talk to and let them be your rock. Ask for advice.
[…] with an emotion, I found a way to not deal with it. In my case it appears to have been a form of predatory flirting and intrigue. Porn was a way to escape early on, but that was never the real issue. Instead of […]
What if I feel like my addiction is fueled by “intriguing”, but I am not scared of a committed relationship? Or if I don’t line up girls for sexual pleasure with flirting either? I am married and I am just realizing how flirting has me captivated. I have always been a sex addict that flirts but in-denial of my flirting. But now as I have “conquered most of my sex addiction behaviors I still find myself flirting subtly or with urges to find someone to flirt with outside of my wife. When I see attractive woman I’m curios of the personality of wanting to get to know, maybe just to flirt, I do not know. I am at a lost of why I flirt. I am a committed husband that hates this side of me, and I do not urge for sexual relationships. But I do urge for a flirt buddy from time to time. Before my wife I was intrigued and used flirting to find “the girl for me”. But now I have found her so what does this mean?
Please help me. I had just thrown away the best thing in my life for this very reason. I am devastated as I could not help it
And women do the same thing! Thanks for writing a completely sexist thread. It’s great to know we are still in the dark ages…
Robert: Of course women do the same thing. Women sex addicts are sooo similar to men sex addicts in their types of behaviors and in general. I myself was surprised to realize how predatory I had been in my addiction. I have generally tried to be more careful about pronouns but thanks for striking a blow for gender equality! Really.
Thank you for your response:)
I am clinical psychologist. This is s real addiction. Like drugs, or booze. It’s an addiction that correlates to the same endorphins surge. For some it’s flirting, others it’s poen or sex. These needs the support of their partner to stop. Honestly is key for the partner. People with this addiction are ashamed of their actions many times. They don’t want to hurt their significant other. But can’t stop their actions without continuously making an effort to. They lie often, because they feel their partnersand others will leave them, judge them, love them less. Being able to be open with a partner is key. If your relationship is real, it’s a joint effort. And by your support, he’ll learn honestly is most important. And you’ll grow together.
I get through this experience with the man who I loved so much and I can’t stand anymore. So I will going to leave him. I want your advice what should I do with him, how I deal with him or with guys like him.
I have a habit of flirting and talking to girls till I fill they desire me I do it all the time I like the feeling of being able to how I fill make thes girls like me like seduce them
clinical psychologist. This is s real addiction. Like drugs, or booze. It’s an addiction that correlates to the same endorphins surge. For some it’s flirting, others it’s poen or sex. These needs the support of their partner to stop. Honestly is key for the partner. People with this addiction are ashamed of their actions many times. They don’t want to hurt their significant other. But can’t stop their actions without continuously making an effort to. They lie often, because they feel their partnersand others will leave them, judge them, love them less. Being able to be open with a partner is key. If your relationship is real, it’s a joint effort. And by your support, he’ll learn honestly is most important. And you’ll grow together.
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I just cant believe how accurate this article is. I never thought it could be understood. I was mol3sted and exposed to pornography and madturbation by older boy when I was 10. Since then I was a compulsive masturbator and craved pornography. I was seduced and I seduced older women at the age of 14. My parents didnt know. I got help finally at age 30, after 7 years of marriage and have my anxiety/urge undercontrol. Nevertheless I notice I find some emotional rush when I flirt very subtly with a beautiful woman, regardless age. My wife has noticed at times when Im to caring for newly met females. And she right away asks me if I think that female is pretty. I deny everything. But deep inside its all true. Im working on this as it doesnt allow me to be fully happy.
I dumped my boyfriend for the same reason. It started noticing in early stage of relationship and told him, got angry, begged him, slapped him nothing helped. He was kept on begging it won’t happen again and we broke up made up so many times. There’s no control especially when he drinks. It’s better to walk away. These type of people they know themselves. And it’s not fair to have a serious relationship and to put their partner through hell. If you find yourself in this situation over and over again please walk away, it will never get better. Not sure about you I started having so much resentment and hurt. When I finally able to break up with him I was out of love I only left with hate and regret for time and efforts I invested. Save some time for yourself and walk away! There are so many guys who can love you and respect you! My current boyfriend doesn’t do any of it. We don’t have that problem. My ex was convincing me that I’m over jealous and crazy, at some point I was thinking the same. No you don’t have any problems he does, that’s why you feel the disrespect!
Wow. I went through the same thing with my significant other. To make things worse we were in a long distance relationship! He only does it when he drinks. But I have gotten butt-calls while he was hitting on other women, and caught him sexting on his phone. Every time he promised to change. I finally realized it was a compulsion associated with his drinking. Of course he insisted I was being overly jealous and suspicious.
Smarternow- please get out now while you can. You “think” he only does it when he drinks. But it goes way deeper… You can’t see him flirting at the office, gym, etc… I have been with this type of man for 17 years- if only I had known then, what I have just discovered now…. I would be saved from so much pain and hell! My husband feels horrible and is seeking treatment. However this does not guarantee he will be cured and I understand that now.
My teenage daughter is addicted to seduction… I need to help her .. please advice