Narcissism, Sex, Power and Herman Cain

As I watched GOP candidate Herman Cain on TV in his latest encounter with the press this morning, I was struck by one small thing.  Not that he was refusing to answer questions about his alleged sexual misconduct with employees, not that he had a negative “attitude” toward the press who were crowding in on him as he exited a speaking engagement, not that his personal security guards were aggressive in shoving the reporters out of the way so that he could even walk through the crush.

I was struck by what he said to the reporters.  Instead of saying that he was refusing to answer any questions about the harassment issue or simply stating that he would not comment on that, he TOLD the reporters not to go there!  He ordered them to leave that topic alone.  When they ignored his order and asked pointed questions about it anyway, he then scolded them angrily.  After that he expressed his irritation and that is what the media seem to have seized on, his irritability.

Why do I find this interesting?  Because it is a subtle glimpse of the narcissistic world view of someone who is a big shot celebrity, politician, or other powerful figure.  He seems to have felt that he had a perfect right to tell a group of media reporters what to do or not do.  Furthermore he seems to have felt that he had a right to be angry if they did not do what he told them.  A narcissist has trouble behaving as though other people exist.  A narcissist is grandiose, with an attitude of over-entitlement and a need to have all those around him reflect his own wonderfulness back to him.  When this doesn’t happen, he is cut to the quick; this is the “narcissistic vulnerability”.  This in turn can result in rage, rage that is turned outward in contempt for others and sometimes in the extreme, inward in a fit of despondency.

The level of over-entitlement inherent in narcissism is obviously conducive to all manner of self-centered and opportunistic behavior including exploitive sexual behavior.  The lack of awareness of other people’s needs promotes a lack of accountability and explains the seemingly delusional attitude of the politician caught in sexual misconduct, the attitude of not “getting it.”

There has been an interesting kind of chicken-and-egg debate recently about what has come to be called “acquired situational narcissism”.  In other words, does the person in power become narcissistic as a result of having been treated like the world revolves around them, or do they choose to try to become a rock star, politician, or, yes, even powerful clergyman because they already have the need to be the center of the universe in order to feel OK about themselves.  Probably the best argument I’ve heard is that basically the person started out narcissistic and got even worse when they became more powerful.

Clinicians who work with patients who engage in sexually compulsive or risky behavior are well aware that narcissistic traits are par for the course, equally in the famous and the humble.  This only suggests as has been argued by James Masterson MD, who has written extensively on narcissism, that some people are just better at being narcissists, i.e. getting where they want to be, than others.  Certainly not all narcissistic people will become sex addicts.  But whether it is acquired or there to begin with, the extreme self focus of the narcissist and their lack of empathy and tendency to see themselves as exceptional  will set the stage for sexual behavior that violates the normal boundaries.   It is not hard to see the potentially addictive nature of fame and adulation coupled with unfettered sexual gratification.  This is a potent cocktail.

 

Scariest Halloween Sex Addiction Headlines (and one nice one)

Catholic pedophile investigator jailed for child pornography

Oct 29, 2011- 7 hours ago by JohnThomas Didymus

Christopher Jarvis, a man appointed pedophile investigator and “child safeguarding officer” for the Diocese of Plymouth, South West England, has been jailed 12 months for possession of thousands of child pornographic images. ..According to Daily Mail, Christopher Jarvis, 49, was in charge of investigating child sexual abuse allegations and child protection in 120 churches and parish communities for nine years. …

Police investigators, at Jarvis’ Plymouthresidence, found on his computer, more than 4,000 pornographic images, mostly of boys aged 10 to 12.   Details of the nature of the images emerged in his trial. About 120 of the images were classified “Level Four” abusive images, showing scenes of rape; 12 were classified “Level Five,” showing scenes of torture and sadism. Jarvis was also accused of viewing erotic images of sexual relationship between a child and an adult male.

Read more: http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/313563#ixzz1cDFMvocd

My Take: This is very scary indeed and opens up a very large topic as to the ways in which some clergy members are placed at grave risk for sexual addiction/sexual offending.  The scariest part to me is that this man had been in charge of investigating child sexual abuse allegations for nine years.

ACLU Sues to Block Enforcment of law limiting Sex Offenders’ internet access

NEW ORLEANS— The American Civil Liberties Union of Louisiana sued Monday to block enforcement of a new state law that limits sex offenders’ access to social networking websites and other online forums, claiming the restrictions are overly broad and unconstitutional.

Gov. Bobby Jindal, who is named as a defendant in the federal suit, said he will “fight this with everything I have.”….The ACLU also argues that the law’s definition of a social networking website could be interpreted to include “most of the Internet.”….

“Just about every website in existence incorporates a ‘mechanism for communication’ among users, whether that mechanism is as simple as a ‘comments’ section or as complicated as a web-based email service, such as Yahoo or Gmail,” the group wrote in a court filing.

A first conviction for violating the law carries a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison. A second conviction is punishable by at least five years and up to 20 years in prison.

My Take:  This seems like yet another example of the kind of panic reaction based on no real evidence that the proposed law will actually accomplish anything.  I will post a longer report on recent evidence as to what works and what doesn’t in terms of law enforcement, monitoring, etc. vs. what works and what doesn’t in terms of treatment and rehabilitation.

Sexual satisfaction part of successful aging

By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on August 25, 2011

A new study of older women finds that successful aging and a positive quality of life are linked to sexual satisfaction.

The report is published online in the Journal of the American Geriatric Society….As expected, sexual activity and functioning (such things as desire, arousal and ability to climax) declined as a woman aged, as did reported physical and mental health…..However, in contrast to sexual activity and functioning, satisfaction with overall sex life was not significantly different between the three age cohorts studied: age 60 to 69; 70 to 70; and 80 to 89.

Approximately 67 percent, 60 percent, and 61 percent of women in these three age groups, respectively, reported that they were “moderately” to “very satisfied” with their sex lives.

This surprised researchers who surmised that sexual satisfaction would decline with age.

My Take: This does not surprise me.  I have long been aware that the idea that sexuality is absent from old age as well as the idea that sexual urges are somehow unseemly in the elderly is simply an expression of a very ageist stereotype. However, this finding should alert us to the fact that it is often an older person who needs help with the problem of sexual addiction and not just the young or middle aged.

 

 

Is Sex Rehab Only For The Rich?

Residential sex addiction rehabilitation programs are expensive.  Tens of thousands of dollars expensive.  However they are amazingly great for sex addicts of all kinds, but especially for people who simply cannot face their addiction and don’t understand the risks they are taking and the damage they are doing to themselves and those around them.  I know a young woman who has already lost her husband and a job and is probably at risk for losing her two young children if she doesn’t get some serious help, and yet she is on the fence even about resuming attendance at Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings let alone getting therapy or rehab.  I know a man who has an arrest record for sex with a child and despite the fact that he still frequently “slips” and views illicit pornography, which could get him thrown back in jail, he does not consider a residential program.  You would think that such folks would do whatever it took to get the money to get the help but it often doesn’t happen.  They are very lucky indeed if those around them force them to make the choice to get serious help.  Only in this way can they begin to break through their denial.

Many people can’t or won’t go straight to rehab, but will go to an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP), a 1-2 week all-day every day program designed to help people in the initial stages of breaking through the denial and committing to treatment.  Many people go from IOP’s to residential rehab programs of 30-60 days or more once they realize how much they have to resolve to get better.  Sometimes IOP alone is enough to get the person on track with a community based program of therapy and 12-step meetings.  But IOP is not cheap either, still in the thousands of dollars depending on the program and the lenth of time.

Some residential and outpatient intensive treatment programs say that they provide a few slots for low income people and this is certainly worth pursuing.  Also most programs will submit a patient’s claims to their insurance with a psychitric diagnosis such as Depression, which may be covered, but often they don’t get the claim paid and are on the hook for the cost.   Money is a big problem for many seriously addicted people who are left to suffer and even deteriorate, often ending up in jail or prison where they get no help at all.  Treatment works, incarceration doesn’t (but that’s another blog).

There’s really no great answer at this point in history, but until sex addiction is seen by the larger society as a mental disorder that is covered by insurance, the professionals in the field should continue to see patients for reduced rates for outpatient therapy.  Family and friends can be enlisted to help set up a “program” for the addict who is still living in the community.  The best would be to put together a program of individual and group therapy or a self-help “feedback group” formed by members of a 12-step program to discuss their progress, attendance at a 12-step sex addiction program (preferably every day), and participation in a 12-step writing group using one of the many good workbooks that can be bought online.  As part of the step writing group, the addict should pair off with a “recovery partner,”  a sort of “buddy system” for meeting and discussing their work on recovery.  For people in remote areas, Sex Addicts Anonymous has a large number of telephone meetings (like conference calls) as well as online meetings.

For now it’s a case of doing the best you can.  It’s messy and it’s a struggle but there is no doubt that it is worth doing.

 

Week-End Sex in the News: Top Headlines – Internet Pornography, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Child Pornography

My news alerts usually consist of a seemingly endless stream of stories about people being arrested on porn charges or other scintillating stories relating to sex and sex addiction such as: “New Brunswick Nearly Leads Canada for the Crime of Stalking” or “Sex Offenders go AWOL in Scotland”.

Today, however there were a few that were both sensational and in some way relevant.  Here they are in no particular order with my comments.

1.   Internet pornography ‘destroying men’s ability to perform with real women’

October 22, 2011 – 5:32 pm by News Desk | Permalink | Print This Article |

London, Oct 22 (ANI): Internet pornography is destroying men’s ability to perform with real women and creating a generation of young men who are hopeless in the bedroom, according to a new research.  Exposure to lurid images and films in the new media is de-sensitising so many young people that they are increasingly unable to become excited by ordinary sexual encounters, the report said.

The result of this over exposure is that impotence is no longer a problem associated with middle-aged men of poor health but is afflicting men in the prime of their lives.  The report explains that the loss of libido 30 years early is caused by continuous over-stimulation of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that activates the body’s reaction to sexual pleasure, by repeatedly viewing pornography on the Internet.

A ‘paradoxical effect’ is created whereby with each new thrill, or “dopamine spike”, the brain loses its ability to respond to dopamine signals, meaning that porn-users demand increasingly extreme experiences to become sexually aroused.

“Erotic words, pictures, and videos have been around a long while, but the Internet makes possible a never-ending stream of dopamine spikes,” the Daily Mail quoted Marnia Robinson, the author of the report as saying.  “Today’s users can force its release by watching porn in multiple windows, searching endlessly, fast-forwarding to the bits they find hottest, switching to live sex chat, viewing constant novelty, firing up their mirror neurons with video action and cam-2-cam, or escalating to extreme genres and anxiety-producing material.

“It’s all free, easy to access, available within seconds, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

“In some porn users, the response to dopamine is dropping so low that they can’t achieve an erection without constant hits of dopamine via the internet,” she added. (ANI)

My Take:  This is a really important report and suggests the need for further study.  It is important for two reasons:

(1) Because it deals with the brain chemistry associated with bombarding oneself with internet pornography and sexualized imagery in general

(2) Because it points to the fact that use of sexual or pornographic imagery as a drug is creating a “tolerance” for the experience, much like the tolerance for narcotics, such that we require greater and greater amounts (or greater intensity of experience)

2. Gwyneth Paltrow rolls in the hay at former N.Y. stables for sex-freak role in ‘Thanks for Sharing’

GATECRASHER

Gwyneth Paltrow appears to be taking it off for the cameras again. A source tells us the actress shot some racy scenes for the film “Thanks for Sharing” on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday at Carriage House, a former stable at 159 W. 24th St. that’s been converted into condominium apartments. The movie is reportedly about three people who undergo a 12-step treatment for sex addiction. An insider tells us that in one of the scenes, Paltrow performs a “striptease via Skype” for co-star Mark Ruffalo, who wasn’t on the set. Hubba hubba. We wonder if Paltrow and her husband, Coldplay front man Chris Martin, ever engage in similar video chats. A spokesman for Paltrow didn’t get back to us by deadline.

My Take: So I confess that I think it’s great that there are movies being made about sex addiction. Even bad movies, movies that glamorize it, or portray the sufferers or their treatment in misleading ways.  As long as the film does not use the concept as exploitation and makes a stab at some kind of relevance, it will at least get the problem out there into the public dialogue more.  A great example was the movie “Choke” with Sam Rockwell which came out a few years ago.  I have not seen “Shame” yet…

3.  Anonymous Takes Down Massive Child Pornography Server, Leaks Usernames

by Max Eddy | 11:00 am, October 23rd, 2011

In a move that we can all get behind, hacker group Anonymous has announced that they have taken down a huge cache of child pornography and released 1,589 usernames of the website’s patrons. The action came as part of Operation Darknet, which targets illicit websites that are part of an unindexed and therefore unsearchable corner of the Internet.

The server in question is owned by Freedom Hosting, and apparently services over 40 child pornography websites. The largest of these, disturbingly called Lolita City, was said to contain over 100gb of child pornography.

Interestingly, the Anonymous hack is extremely well documented. In two separate Pastebin posts, the hackers involved provide a timeline of events, as well as some of the methodologies they used in tracking and taking down the servers…

My Take: Hackers doing what they do best and judging by the comments, people are cheering.  However, what everyone seems to want to know is now what?  Will law enforcement actually do something with the information?  And for those of us on the treatment end of things, what will happen to the suspects, when they are finally run to ground?  Maybe the next hacking enterprise could deal with collecting some data that would help with addiction research.  Call me, we’ll talk.

 

 

 

 

Yes, Sex Addiction Really is an “Addiction” (And Why It Matters)

book-cover-with-banner

The American Society of Addiction Medicine recently came out with the following definition of addiction:

“Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.”

Note the key words “chronic,” “brain,” and “substance use and other behaviors” (my italics).  There is now ample evidence that behaviors such as persistent hooking-up for casual sex, excessive internet pornography use, serial seduction and affairs etc. are sexually compulsive behaviors that share the salient aspects of other kinds of addictions.  For example:

-Drugs, cybersex, gambling, and even internet gaming all produce a drastic increase in brain chemicals related to pleasure pathways which can become addictions in the same way.

-Those people with the “disease” develop a tolerance and need an increase in the frequency of the behavior as well as needing more extreme behavior for gratification.

-The behavior follows a progressive course unless it is treated

-The behavior produces dire consequences in the addict’s life.

There is even evidence that the various kinds of addiction can share a common origin in brain development due to a variety of problematic early life experiences. (See also my previous blog post This is Your Brain on Cyber Porn).  Regardless of upbringing, teenagers are particularly vulnerable to addiction due to the fact that their brains are not yet fully developed.  The brain of an 18 year-old is thought to be 80% developed with the last 20% being the frontal lobes (around age 25 or 26).

So why is it important to define the various forms of sexually compulsive behaviors as “addictions?”  My top 5 reasons are:

1. Conservatively, 3-5% of the U.S. population suffers from sexual compulsivity and teens are increasingly engaging in compulsive use of pornography.  This is a significant public health issue just in terms of the numbers.

2. Lives are destroyed by sex addiction: marriages crumble, jobs are lost, people are ostracized and incarcerated and children are exposed to potentially damaging experiences.

3. Sex as an addiction can be treated and people can recovery and lead normal lives with healthy sex lives.  Viewing sexual compulsions simply as “perverted” or as “moral” failings is counterproductive in that it prevents people getting help.

4. Acknowledging that sex addiction is a brain disease resulting in behavioral compulsions allows the people around the addict to be more compassionate and less punitive and judgmental. And by the same token they get to suffer less themselves in the long run.

5. We as a society have one foot in the dark ages when it comes to sexual issues.  We often prefer to retreat into concepts of good and evil.  What we are doing is walling off a human problem and compartmentalizing it.  This is turn leads to the “schizophrenic” cultural trends of increasingly explicit portrayals or sexual imagery in the media on the one hand and branding teens as sex offenders for “sexting” on their cell phones on the other.

So people, could we finally stop asking “is sex addiction an addiction?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are You Living with a Sex Addict? Identifying Addiction in a Relative – Frequently Asked Questions

1. “Would I know right away if I was living with a sex addict?”

Doubtful.  Spouses and partners of sex addicts are often unable to readily identify the fact that they are living with a sex addict.  Sex addiction thrives on secrecy and compartmentalization and the addict will go to great lengths to wall off his or her addictive sexual behavior. 

2. “I wonder if my imagination is running away with me.”

Sometimes the addict will make the partner think that he or she is crazy and imagining things (sometimes called “Gaslighting” after the old movie).  Often sex addicts can function well and appear normal to a great extent; working hard, spending time with the kids, volunteering at church, etc.  Don’t expect a straight answer at first!  Trust your instincts.

3. “So what should I look for?”

  • The lists of addiction criteria available under the “defining addiction” tab are probably not going to help unless you already have a lot of information.  Some of the “collateral indicators” might be relevant.
  • An obvious risk factor would be a life history involving another addiction, such as drugs, alcohol, work, spending, gambling or food.  Addictions are like potato chips, most people have more than one. 
  • You can look for whether the person is spending an unusual amount of time on the computer and look into what sites are being visited.  Looking at pornographic websites or videos more than once in a great while is probably cause for concern.
  • We all need our privacy, but you can check around and look for indications that the person has a whole separate life.  Are there a lot of sexual magazines, books or other sexual printed material stashed somewhere.
  • If you feel that your relationship is not as intimate or feel alienated in some way, get to the bottom of it, don’t allow yourself to be brushed off or placated. 
  •  If you have a strong intuition, use technology to monitor the person’s email and other computer use.  Many sex addicts get help only after they are found out by their spouses, partners or parents.
  •  Be vigilant to subtler signs of your partner being mentally “out to lunch”, eager to get away from previously enjoyed activities, and being depressed for no reason.  These aren’t necessarily signs of sex addiction; just don’t wear blinders to whatever might be going on. 
  •  Last but not least, check on where the money is going, e.g. massage parlors, clubs etc.

4. “What can I do if I find out that I am living with someone who may be an addict?”

Call or email one of the people or programs listed under “getting help” or email me at the “ask Dr. Hatch” tab with your questions.  You can also make an appointment to talk to a sex addiction therapist who can help you get help for the person in question. 

Have a counseling session together.  Problems between people or an episode of infidelity do not mean there is sex addiction.  Many people have affairs who are not addicts, i.e. it’s not necessarily part of a pattern of compulsive behavior.  However, couple counseling does sometimes reveal the presence of addiction.

Don’t blame yourself or think that you can fix it by being more supportive.  If it is a spouse, don’t try to be more sexual — that’s not the problem. 

Living with a recovering sex addict is a big undertaking at best.  Remember, sex addiction can derail a life, wreak havoc with a relationship and have a negative future impact on children.  It’s OK to be vigilant.

Sex Addiction is an Intimacy Disorder

Sexual addiction has as one of its antecedents, a failure of normal early attachment due to some disruption in the relationship to a primary caregiver.  Sex addicts are often sexually abused as children but they are more often emotionally neglected and tend to come from families that are rigid, authoritarian or sexually repressed.  This failure leads to an inability to trust and to bond normally with another.  Some attachment problems also arise through accidents of fate such as the illness or absence of a caregiver.  (There is also thought to be both a genetic and environmental predisposition to addictions in general, which may be passed on as a predisposition to addiction in the case of sexual addiction as well.)

Being so-called “intimacy-abled” means being able to form a healthy attachment with a partner in adulthood.  That implies the ability to trust your partner, to trust your own ability to set boundaries, to communicate your feelings in the moment, to be able to commit, and to relate to a partner with all aspects of yourself – mental, emotional, physical and sexual.  The untreated baggage of a disordered attachment history leads to mistrust, fear, distancing, sexual conflicts, feeling unlovable, and lack of experience with healthy communication.  For more see What is Healthy Sex…

 

Dating for Sex Addicts: How to Create a Sober Dating Plan

 Some people in sexual recovery are in a relationship or marriage that existed prior to their being treated and often prior to their addiction being found out.  These people are on a journey that already involves a partner and are motivated enough to work on transforming that relationship and making it succeed in a healthy way.  However, there are those whose marriages did not survive or who have no partner in their lives and find themselves in recovery and wishing to find a romantic relationship.

When recovering from sexual addiction you cannot just assume that you know how to go about the dating process in a normal way.  In fact you may never have approached the possibility of dating in way that was not somehow distorted by your addiction.  When you begin dating in recovery you must be especially conscious of what you are doing.  I knew a woman in sexual recovery who had been addicted to acting out bondage scenarios.  She told me laughingly that in early recovery, she thought she could find a normal relationship and then act out her bondage scenarios within that relationship.  But even if you are very strong in your recovery, you must be aware that your addiction can seep into your relating in ways you are not aware of.  That is why you need to be vigilant as you proceed.

When you were active in your addiction you may have had a relationship that appeared normal and was totally separate from your acting out behavior, but the partner you chose was certain to be different in many ways from the partner you would choose in recovery.  Why?  Because in your addiction the part of you driven to sexual acting out, your “addict”, was in charge of choosing your partner.  You chose a partner who in some way served your need to pursue your addiction, someone who wore blinders, someone who was needy and enabling, or someone who was just “checked-out” in one way or another.

High drama relationships or relationships built around unhealthy sexual or emotional scenarios, unavailable or abusive partners, etc. may have been part of your life before recovery.  These relationships most likely related to a pattern laid down in your earliest experiences with intimacy and sex.  They may reflect fear of abandonment, the need to dominate, the need to degrade or be degraded in order to feel adequate, or any of a number of unhealthy emotional “scripts”.  When you start dating in recovery you need to be vigilant as to the people you choose to date, but you also need to be aware that your own behavior patterns may include seductiveness, predatory flirting or objectification.

Even in recovery, you are still going to be susceptible to that peculiar feeling of “instant connection” with someone, that feeling of “familiarity”. That feeling should be a warning signal to take stock of the situation and be aware that an instant connectedness may indicate that you have come across someone who fits your past pattern of relationships in which healthy love and commitment are not possible.   In other words it may be an illusion.  Can you ever Trust your instincts?  My own feeling is that the healthier you become the more you can rely on your intuitions and your first impressions.

Many people have questions about how and when to share their sexual history with a person they are dating.  Obviously if the person you go out with is also in sexual recovery then it would be appropriate to share your histories with each other right away.  Likewise, it is easier to tell more sooner if the person already knows that you have been receiving treatment for sexual addiction.  In this case, the process of eventually disclosing everything and relating in an open way will be accelerated.  As to people with no knowledge of your sexual recovery issues, it will be necessary to get yourself to begin to share something about your problem right away.  This will not have to be the whole story, but remember, you will be taking the dating process more slowly and carefully than many other people and you will need to let the person know what’s going on with you in general so they can make sense out of the experience.

As you get to know someone you are dating, you will have to share more of the “gory details” of your story so that the other person can know the real you; don’t forget to include the part about how well you’ve done in your recovery!  If and when you want to be really intimate and committed, you will have to be prepared to share everything – no secrets.  Anything less will sooner or later come home to roost as a betrayal.  This is because the other person will feel that regardless of whether things have gone well or badly, they were not able to base their own decisions and behavior on reality.  They will likely feel that their reality has been manipulated and will correctly see this as less than caring on your part.

The sober dating plan outline will ask that you put down in some detail your own individualized plan relative to the key questions about dating including some rules about how and when you will let a relationship become sexual.  It is important to realize that having sexual feelings for someone you are spending time with and even having sexual fantasies about them are most likely normal experiences and as such should not cause any alarm.  The problems arise when you allow yourself to believe that your sexual attraction to someone means they are automatically right for you.  It takes considerable effort and feedback from trusted advisors to hold on to the reality that you still do not really know a person and that you may not be compatible with them and may not even like them.  Until you figure these things out, you may be headed for a casual sexual encounter.  This would not be part of the plan for recovering sex addicts.  Also you should bear in mind that fantasies are one thing, but if you begin to obsess about or sexually target a person, even someone you know well, this is a definite red flag.

The time to construct a sober dating plan is before you start dating, even before you think you are really ready to start dating.  Many addicts in recovery are fearful of dating.  They may think they have something to be ashamed of, they may not know how to go about it, and they may have spent years hiding in their addiction.  Make a plan and try to stick to it (or modify it if you need to – nothing is perfect.)  Remember to check in with others as you go along and listen to their opinions.  It’s a learning process.

 


 

This is Your Brain on Cyber Porn

Cyber porn is known as the crack cocaine of sex addiction.

Internet pornography is easy to get hooked on and hard to kick.  Of the more than 20 million people who are sex addicts in this country roughly 71% act out their addiction on the internet.  This takes the form not only of viewing pornographic imagery but increasingly provides a venue for exhibitionism/voyeurism, access to sexual chat rooms, prostitutes, “hook-ups” (finding others who are immediately available for anonymous sex in real life) and selling or trading of pornographic photos and videos. Not only is the internet is a place for cheap, easy access to sexually addictive material and behaviors, it is a significant gateway drug for young people.  The average first time contact with internet porn is age 11.  The largest consumers of internet porn are the 12 to 17 year old group.

Cyber porn is the great accelerator.

Sometimes it goes the other way.  A person prone to sexual acting out behavior discovers new kinds of imagery and behavior that they never thought of consciously before and quickly becomes compulsively fixated on these new scenarios, ultimately seeking to act them out in their life.  It is thought that this takes place because the new imagery acts to trigger something unconscious, something forgotten but not gone, in the psychosexual history of the person.  This is sometimes referred to as “accessing the unresolved”.  People see things they may have once seen fleetingly at an early age and enter a trance-like state in which these images stick.  Whether it comes before or after other kinds of sexually addictive behavior, the internet leads to rapid escalation and acceleration of sex addiction.

The chemistry of internet porn addiction.

Your brain on internet porn is getting a release of dopamine which activates the reward/pleasure centers.  This is addictive in itself (see Sex Addiction is a Drug.)  If accompanied by masturbation there are even more rewarding chemicals released.  People then use this drug as a reward, as an escape or as a relief from boredom or agitation.  Like any drug, the web can then become the person’s best friend causing “relational regression” i.e. the tendency to withdraw and replace the real with the digital.  This not only causes the person to become mentally withdrawn but may interfere with the ability to make any real human connections.  The person’s internet experience becomes their “perfect” reality.  As one patient put it “Miss January is always there for me, she always wants me.”  Intimate contact in reality spoils this fantasy.  There is a correlation between internet porn use and loneliness such that isolation is not only a result but a cause of cyber porn addiction.

Living in the cyber porn bubble.

I would add one other warning label to the whole cyber porn issue (aside from the obvious and growing danger of getting in trouble with the law for various internet related behaviors) and that is that internet pornography users find it extremely easy to sweep their behavior under the rug.  They can deny that it is a problem more easily than other sexual acting out behaviors because it seems to hurt no one.  They can argue that everyone does it, or that everyone wants to.  They can say that it doesn’t cost anything (forget that U.S. internet porn revenue exceeds revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC combined), and they can say that it is not compulsive, even as it takes over more of their lives.  So your brain on porn is also an increasingly delusional brain, which feeds the vicious circle and makes it the growing epidemic that it is.

 

Sex Addiction is a Drug

Sexual behavior in its various forms can be used to cause the release of chemicals in the brain which have the effect of taking the person away from unpleasant emotional states.  Sexual behaviors can become obsessive when they are used in response to these unpleasant internal states to repeatedly block them through brain chemicals relating to pleasure, excitement, or numbing, depending on the type of behavior.

Chemicals released in the brain which relate to specific sexual functions are: dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, opioids and epinephrine.  These have the ability to create a desired state of one kind or another, numbing, energy, fantasy/dissociation, or pain (releases opioids) which can be used to “self-medicate” undesirable feelings or traumatic reactivity of one sort or another.

Sexual acting out behavior is usually categorized into one of three types depending on the desired end state.  (1) Arousal created by high-risk behaviors or high drama relationships, for example, act like cocaine and amphetamines (2) numbing created by behaviors such as compulsive masturbation mimics the effects of heroin or alcohol, and (3) fantasy or a trance-like state is achieved by behaviors such as obsession with internet pornography or fantasy charged situations which resembles sedation.  Further, when the sex addict refrains from sex a predictable set of withdrawal symptoms arise.  For more see This is Your Brain on Cyber Porn.