Denial in Sex Addiction

Denial in sex addiction

(Understanding distorted thinking, dissociation, and relapse)

What is denial in sex addiction

Denial in sex addiction is a form of distorted thinking that allows the addiction to continue. It protects the addict from fully recognizing the impact of their behavior and makes it difficult to sustain awareness or change.

Denial in sex addiction is a form of distorted thinking. In fact it is a masterpiece of distorted thinking. Breaking through denial marks the beginning of addiction treatment. This is just as true for sexual addiction and behavioral addictions generally as it is for chemical dependency.

Why denial becomes so powerful

Without treatment, the set of ideas, rationalizations and beliefs that constitute a system of denial become more and more entrenched and tend to spread, becoming a world view which supports a deceptive and disordered way of life.

Even for a practicing sex addict, there are moments of clear-headedness when he or she suspects that they are engaging in a problematic or pathological pattern of behavior. But that awareness does not hold up. Why? Because denial is distorted thinking in the context of a semi-dissociated (i.e. “checked out”) state. The distorted thinking creeps back in when dissociation provides an opportunity. And the greater the awareness in recovery, the greater the dissociation needed to overtake it. But let’s begin at the beginning.

Denial during addiction

(Rationalization, minimization, and projection)

Addicts in the grip of an addiction have a set of beliefs that support that addiction. That is, beliefs which protect them from the need to examine their behavior. These can look absurdly deluded to a non addict. When challenged in any way, the practicing addict uses these ideas or “theories” to defend against the idea that they have a problem.

These may take many forms such as rationalization:

“It’s normal behavior”,
“It’s harmless”,
“I need it”,
“I have a high sex drive”,

or minimization:

“Everybody wants what I want”
“I’m not that bad”,
“I’m cutting down”,
“It’s not bad enough to need treatment”

or projection:

“So-and-so is the one with the problem”,
“I’m being judged unfairly”,
“My wife/husband makes me the way I am”

The practicing addict at this point is considered to be in the stage of “pre-contemplation” in the stages of change framework, meaning they have not even consciously contemplated the idea of change.

What leads addicts to question their behavior

Usually something rather dramatic happens to bring the addict to the point of contemplating change. The sex addict may be found out by a partner, lose a job, neglect a career, get/transmit a disease, become impotent in intercourse (as happens with many teen porn addicts) or get arrested.

At that point the addict may begin to suspect that the behavior is destructive and compulsive. But this dawning awareness is not enough to impact the addiction in the long run. Neurologically, addiction is a pathological form of learning. The distorted thinking which surrounds it provides a powerful undertow. If the crisis somehow passes without the addict getting some serious help, the behavior will return.

Denial in early treatment

(Why addicts resist help even after starting recovery)

The addict who has actually made an initial foray into treatment will often come up with a different set of distorted beliefs. These beliefs serve to justify the addict’s natural urge to escape from treatment.

These may involve ideas like:

“Maybe sex isn’t really an addiction”
“I’m not sure I belong in this kind of treatment”,
“Treatment is ineffective”,
“Treatment works for other people but not me”,
“I tried it once and it didn’t work”,
“I’m hopeless so why bother.”

In early recovery the addict tends to be in crisis. His or her world feels like it is crumbling and the addict is prone to extreme emotions. Emotionality can stand in the way of rational thinking and rational examination of the situation. With treatment, the addict’s delusional beliefs are challenged and he/she gradually replaces them with more reality based thinking and becomes more fully engaged in recovery.

Denial and dissociation in relapse

(Why awareness disappears and acting out returns)

Dissociation is a mental state in which some of our rational decision-making and impulse control functions are off line. What seemed like a terrible idea this morning can seem like a great idea tonight. What we rationally knew is no longer engaged; we are no longer mindful i.e. we are not present. And in place of rational self-awareness is a set of thought distortions that make no sense but which we are unable to critically examine.

The dissociated or semi-dissociated state then becomes the context in which the delusional thinking can lead the addict into acting out. This context is one in which decisions are not realistic, consequences are not considered and impulses reign supreme.

What situations increase risk of relapse

Some examples of the kinds of circumstances and thought patterns that lead to this dissociation and to “slips” and relapses might be:

Alcohol or drugs which lead to an altered “I don’t care” state. The higher centers being temporarily off line makes way for the distorted thinking and addictive behavior.

Being alone with no one around to inject a note of reality into the situation. In this situation pessimism and self put-downs can take over; the addict “forgets” that he has people he can call; he grabs for relief.

Being in stressful or unfamiliar situations such as business travel which can feel disorienting and threatening. This makes it difficult to hold onto a mindful, self-directed state. The addict may find it easy to slip into unreality.

Why mindfulness is critical in recovery

Dissociation is the opposite of mindfulness. Any situation which threatens the addict’s ability to return to a mindful, self-aware state can open the door to thoughts and behaviors that make no sense. Is it any wonder that the core mindfulness skills we stress so much in treatment are ones that must be practiced and reinforced even into the later stages of recovery?

Understanding denial and moving toward change

Denial in sex addiction is not simply resistance, but a complex system of distorted thinking supported by dissociation. Recognizing how denial operates is an essential step in breaking the cycle and engaging more fully in recovery.

Learn more about sex addiction and recovery

If you want a deeper understanding of how these patterns develop and how they can change, Dr. Hatch explores these issues in more detail in her book

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why Sex Addicts Avoid Intimacy

sex addicts avoid intimacy

(Understanding intimacy disability and emotional isolation)

Sex addicts often struggle with intimacy because of a deep fear of emotional closeness. This fear is usually rooted in early relationship experiences and leads to patterns of emotional withdrawal and sexual acting out. As a result, many addicts feel profoundly lonely even when they are not alone.

Why do sex addicts feel so lonely even in relationships

Addicts are profoundly lonely. They may be active and sociable; they may have friends. But in terms of the deeper emotional connection to a partner, they tend to keep themselves on a starvation diet. The loneliness of course is self-imposed. Addicts are not addicts because they are making up for the fact that they don’t happen to have a lover. Their addiction and their emotional isolation are both related to a deep fear of intimacy. It has always been striking to me that they should suffer so much in their alienation.

Childhood issues

(How early experiences shape fear of intimacy)

I find that most often sex addicts are not aware of how fearful they are about intimate relationships. They have most likely come from families in which they received inadequate or inappropriate forms of connection with adults. Without realizing it, they have adopted a way of behaving based on fear and the avoidance of intimate connection.

I have heard many addicts tell me that as a child they felt ignored discounted, abandoned or invisible. This is their model of close relating; it is one of intense pain and stress. And this can be true despite the fact that their family life and childhood appeared outwardly “normal“.

Intimacy avoidance and sexual acting out

(Why sexual behavior can replace emotional connection)

Many sex addicts are using their addictive acting out behavior as a substitute for an intimate connection. Their addictive behavior provides an illusion of some kind of connection, reinforced by sexual gratification in a situation that is safe. Sexual acting out is emotionally safe because it requires nothing from the addict on an emotional level.

For the typical sex addict, this way of finding gratification without intimacy is not a matter of wanting to be selfish and controlling, although that is how it ends up looking. But rather it is a way of finding an escape from negative emotions and achieving some gratification without having to experience intense discomfort and fear. Sometimes it is due to sexual inhibition and shame. Other times it is the fear of letting their guard down and feeling that they will inevitably be hurt. Or it involves feeling so unworthy and unlovable that they cannot feel free to be who they are. Usually it is a combination of the above.

How intimacy avoidance shows up in relationships

The intimacy avoidance that goes along with sex addiction shows up in relationships in a number of ways.

Avoiding sex

Sexual connecting in the context of an intimate relationship can be too difficult for an addict to do comfortably. Even if they are very attracted to their partner or would-be partner, they may try to create emotional distance. For example, they may be emotionally absent during sex or lost in fantasy, they may want to drink alcohol as a way to be less present during sex, or they may avoid sex altogether.

Avoiding physical intimacy

Sex addicts often come from families in which there was an absence of physical touching and affection. Thus they may feel that hugging, cuddling, etc. are awkward and uncomfortable. Some addicts were smothered by physical touching in an inappropriate way and they too may avoid physical affection due to feeling vulnerable.

Not being able to express their needs

Many sex addicts isolate themselves emotionally by avoiding letting the other person in on what they feel, need or want. This is a fear of being unworthy or of being rejected or hurt.

Being self conscious around people or in social situations

Often addicts substitute a role or facade for actually showing up emotionally. They may play a role, i.e. teacher, guru, performer, etc. with people instead of just being able to be who they are and take their chances.

Withdrawing into work or another addiction

Some addicts escape the demands of intimacy by becoming swallowed up in work or exercise or other hobbies that take them away from their partner and other potentially intimate contacts.

Fleeing intimate connection

Many addicts can enter a relationship but leave before it becomes too intimate. They may think this is a fear of commitment, or not the “right person”, when in reality they feel inadequate to the demands of a relationship and/or fear being abandoned by anyone they are close to.

Intimacy avoidance and loneliness

The same addict who is doing everything to avoid intimacy will often feel desperately needy and lonely. Sometimes the addict is aware of a longing for connection; other times the addict lives without intimate relating but doesn’t quite know what is missing or why they push people away. Isolation and loneliness can then become the excuse and the occasion for sexual acting out such as online sex, sexual massage parlors, prostitutes, etc. It is only in recovery that the addict can recognize his or her own lack of intimacy ability and begin to practice new behaviors to overcome their fears of being known and connected.

Understanding intimacy and moving toward change

Intimacy disability in sex addiction is not a lack of desire for connection, but a fear of it. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward change and toward building healthier, more connected relationships.

Learn more about intimacy and sex addiction

If you want a deeper understanding of why intimacy avoidance develops and how it can change, Dr. Hatch explores these patterns in more detail in her book

These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource