How Can a Sex Addict Regain Trust?

Even after a sex addict has admitted the problem and has gone into treatment for sexually addictive behaviors like serial affairs, excessive porn use, or compulsive cybersex (to name just a few), it is normal for spouses and partners to feel hurt, angry and suspicious.  Even after the addict has been sexually “sober” for a period of months, the spouse will usually be justifiably mistrustful.

They see the sex addict going to therapy and support groups; they hear the addict saying all the right things and yet they feel that there is not enough evidence of real change; they are afraid it’s all a sham.

After working with many recovering sex addicts and their partners, I feel that there are four key elements to regaining trust:

Continue reading

Will Sex Addiction Treatment Cure Intimacy Issues?

Sex addiction treatment lays a foundation

When a sex addict receives enough treatment and support to be able to refrain from sexual addictive behaviors, the addict and those around the addict may wonder if the treatment has also produced a new ability to be open, trusting and devoted in an intimate relationship.  In their addiction, addicts remove a part of themselves from their significant other; they live part of their life in secret or perhaps are unable to form a bond with a partner at all.   And, if the new found abstinence is more than “white knuckle” sobriety, the addict will have made some major changes in a number of areas which are fundamental to recovery from sex addiction.  In addition to getting off the “drug” of addictive sexual behaviors, the addict will have learned some or all of the following:

  • A habit of honesty and integrity in all their dealings with people
  • A capacity for more open communication rather than being ashamed and secretive
  • An awareness that their addiction left them lonely and isolated
  • An ability to tolerate unpleasant and painful situations and feelings
  • A willingness to be seen for who they are rather than playing a role
  • A commitment to continued growth and to helping others

These are all good things and things which will help both the sex addict and their partner or potential partner achieve a healthy, passionate and loving relationship.  But although these abilities form a basis for intimate relating they are not the whole story.  They are necessary but not sufficient.

There is still a ways to go for sex addiction treatment methods

Sex addicts have a variety of intimacy issues that typically underlie their addiction and although these are addressed in treatment, the process of learning new intimacy skills and practicing a new and different kind of relating will be an ongoing process.  Some of the traits of the addict that linger will almost certainly crop up in the relationships that addicts have in the early years of recovery.

Because sex addicts have never had a healthy intimate relationship, they will have had no experience of the day to day reality of relating to a partner in a new way, a way that fits their new sense of self.  They have learned how to be better, but they have not had an opportunity to learn how to be better as a spouse or partner or perhaps even how to approach dating.  The addict most commonly had a problematic attachment with one or more caregivers early in life which left them with a deep mistrust of intimacy.  In addition, the typical addict family of origin is one without committed, open, healthy intimacy between parents, and so the addict has no model to strive toward: he/she doesn’t know what a good relationship really looks like.

Other areas where the addict’s old patterns of behavior may crop up relate to some of the typical ways of thinking and feeling that go along with the unconscious conditioning of most sex addicts.

  1. Addicts may struggle with sexual avoidance with their partner.  Remember sex addicts have been involving part of themselves in a separate very intense sexual life that does not make any interpersonal demands on them.  With a partner they cannot go off into a fantasy world or use the sex as a drug in the same way.  This may lead to a nagging discomfort with sex that can only be overcome with time and practice.  Yes, practice.

 

  1. Sex addicts are used to living as narcissists.  Narcissism is a defense mechanism that allows addicts to feel superficially good about themselves when they really don’t feel they are worth much at all.  They have been avoiding their own painful emotions their whole life and they are not yet entirely ready to admit that they are imperfect, to listen to other people, and to accept a world in which they can feel OK without having to feel special or over-entitled.

 

  1. Sex addicts have lived their whole life feeling that they could not entirely trust others and could not rely on others to meet their needs.  This leads to an excessive need for control that makes it hard for addicts in recovery to get used to a new model of relating that requires compromise, mutual respect and a  great deal of faith in their spouse or partner.

 

  1. Sex addicts are often loners.  Even if they are overtly social or seem to be good team players they tend to feel a deep sense of separateness and isolation.  It is an ongoing challenge for many recovering sex addicts to really bond with another person, to give themselves over to a “oneness” with another person.    They will have to gradually learn to break through that invisible barrier, a process that will naturally occur over time if they consciously let it.

So long as recovering sex addicts and their partners or significant others have a commitment to continuing to grow, they will be able to continually gain new intimacy skills for a long time to come.  Treatment is only the beginning.  As the saying goes “recovery takes a lifetime.”

Is Sex Rehab Only For The Rich?

Residential sex addiction rehabilitation programs are expensive.  Tens of thousands of dollars expensive.  However they are amazingly great for sex addicts of all kinds, but especially for people who simply cannot face their addiction and don’t understand the risks they are taking and the damage they are doing to themselves and those around them.  I know a young woman who has already lost her husband and a job and is probably at risk for losing her two young children if she doesn’t get some serious help, and yet she is on the fence even about resuming attendance at Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings let alone getting therapy or rehab.  I know a man who has an arrest record for sex with a child and despite the fact that he still frequently “slips” and views illicit pornography, which could get him thrown back in jail, he does not consider a residential program.  You would think that such folks would do whatever it took to get the money to get the help but it often doesn’t happen.  They are very lucky indeed if those around them force them to make the choice to get serious help.  Only in this way can they begin to break through their denial.

Many people can’t or won’t go straight to rehab, but will go to an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP), a 1-2 week all-day every day program designed to help people in the initial stages of breaking through the denial and committing to treatment.  Many people go from IOP’s to residential rehab programs of 30-60 days or more once they realize how much they have to resolve to get better.  Sometimes IOP alone is enough to get the person on track with a community based program of therapy and 12-step meetings.  But IOP is not cheap either, still in the thousands of dollars depending on the program and the lenth of time.

Some residential and outpatient intensive treatment programs say that they provide a few slots for low income people and this is certainly worth pursuing.  Also most programs will submit a patient’s claims to their insurance with a psychitric diagnosis such as Depression, which may be covered, but often they don’t get the claim paid and are on the hook for the cost.   Money is a big problem for many seriously addicted people who are left to suffer and even deteriorate, often ending up in jail or prison where they get no help at all.  Treatment works, incarceration doesn’t (but that’s another blog).

There’s really no great answer at this point in history, but until sex addiction is seen by the larger society as a mental disorder that is covered by insurance, the professionals in the field should continue to see patients for reduced rates for outpatient therapy.  Family and friends can be enlisted to help set up a “program” for the addict who is still living in the community.  The best would be to put together a program of individual and group therapy or a self-help “feedback group” formed by members of a 12-step program to discuss their progress, attendance at a 12-step sex addiction program (preferably every day), and participation in a 12-step writing group using one of the many good workbooks that can be bought online.  As part of the step writing group, the addict should pair off with a “recovery partner,”  a sort of “buddy system” for meeting and discussing their work on recovery.  For people in remote areas, Sex Addicts Anonymous has a large number of telephone meetings (like conference calls) as well as online meetings.

For now it’s a case of doing the best you can.  It’s messy and it’s a struggle but there is no doubt that it is worth doing.

 

What is Healthy Sex for a Sex Addict?

I can’t tell you how many people in sex addiction programs are baffled about the issue of healthy sex.  They are pretty clear on what they need to not do, but they are at a loss to envision what a healthy sex life would look like for them.  Many addicts have never had the experience of what they see as “normal” sex with anyone. For example, they may have experienced their sexuality only in the two dimensional fantasy world of pornography, or they may have experienced sexual arousal only in very alienated or risky situations with strangers, illicit situations etc.  In other words, for most sex addicts in early to mid recovery strong sexual feelings have never been integrated in any way into their life and relationships.  Therefore, they have trouble seeing how they could ever feel intense sexual interest and gratification in the absence of their “acting out” behaviors.  They know it exists, but for them it is an empty concept.  The problem is further complicated if the addict is married or in a long term relationship in which they have been leading a double life.  Chances are that they have periods of aversion to sex with their partner and/or that they have a sex life with their partner in which they find ways to bring their addictive behaviors into the mix such as being lost in their addictive fantasies during sex, bringing other people into the situation somehow, etc.

What has been written about healthy sex may or may not help enlighten the addict in early sexual recovery.  Dr. Patrick Carnes’ writing is read by many recovering addicts and he has defined 12 dimensions of healthy sexuality which mostly have to do with the overall emotional maturity and relationship skills of the individuals in question.  Such things as the ability to nurture and be nurtured, a clear sense of self and good boundaries, comfort with sex in general, the capacity for genital and non genital sex with a partner and so on.  While these may be a necessary foundation for a sexually healthy person, they don’t help flesh out the concept of the sex life itself.  Likewise, most addicts at some time come across the saying that “intensity is not intimacy”.  Dr. Carnes spells this difference out in terms of ten different domains of functioning, e.g. high drama vs. problem resolution, or fear and arousal vs. passion and vulnerability.  So although a person may be aware that fear or drama are what escalate their arousal, they have no model in their mind for how to achieve that level of arousal any other way.  The awareness is important, but they would like to know where it’s all going.

So when we ask a sex addict to believe that he or she will be able at some point to enjoy the rewards of healthy sex are we able to offer any proof?  Are we simply saying that they should clap their hands to show they believe in Tinkerbell?  Well, in a way, yes.  We already know that the willingness to embark on any journey of recovery involves a leap of faith.  So sex addicts need to take it on faith that they will like what they get when they get there. But they also need to recognize some other realities about a healthy sex life with a committed partner.

First and foremost I think that addicts need to realize that healthy sex in the context of a good relationship may have a high degree of passion, variety and deep gratification, but it will not involve the same kind of hyper-arousal, the blast of instantaneous intensity that comes with acting out situations and fantasies.  The good news is that the need for that kind of “hit” dissipates in the fullness of recovery.  In other words you won’t have what you once had but it won’t matter as much as you think it will.

By the same token, addictive sexual behaviors tend to be the same every time.  The addict controls the script and the outcome, even to the point of building in the risk or fear to heighten the “fuel mix”.  The healthy sexual relationship has more room for the unexpected to happen, so that even though the context is one of comfort and safety, there is the possibility of genuine discovery.

Second, people tend to be unclear on the role of fantasy in their sexual life with a partner.  Although this is an individual matter, generally speaking sexual thoughts and images can and should be part of healthy sex as long as they do not remove you from the present situation.  Any kind of sexual fantasy may enhance your experience with a partner (or in masturbation for that matter) but it should be one that allows you to be more engaged in the real, physical experience at the time rather than less.  Fantasy as a means to check out, numb out or escape is likely to set up a pattern that is not conducive to healthy sex.

Another way to look at this trade off in recovery is to put it in terms of what the AA book entitled Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions calls “the sacrificial spirit”.  We sacrifice something to get something more worthy.  In this case we sacrifice the need to focus only on ourselves and our own most perfect gratification and we behave in ways that have to do with the overall benefit to our lives and the lives of everyone around us.  As addicts change, they will likely come to see that addictive sex is a drug they want to put down and that it was only their most important need because it was an addiction.

Finally, an inescapable reality of intimate relationships is that they require some attention in order to be maintained.  So in terms of a healthy sex life the addict and their partner need to nurture all aspects of their relationship life, including the sexual.  Planning to have sex, setting up a time to have sex may seem like anathema to sex addicts starting out in relationship recovery because, again, it’s not the impulsive or mindless escape into the “hit” or the oblivion of acting out.  Sure, sometimes sex with a spouse or partner can be spontaneous and free and that’s great.  But taking care to have time to have sex is going to be part of taking care of your relationship, just like expressing affection, problem solving, negotiating, and guarding each others’ solitude.