You cannot have a real, mutual relationship with a narcissist because their need to protect a fragile sense of self prevents genuine emotional connection, empathy, and reciprocity.
Basically, you can’t get close to a narcissist. A relationship with a narcissist will be a problem, and the more narcissistic they are, the more it becomes impossible.
Sex addicts and addicts generally are often described as narcissistic, but many non-addicts are narcissists as well. Trying to have a relationship with a true narcissist can be an extremely torturous and confusing experience.
The Continuum of Narcissism
Many psychological disorders are now being talked about as existing on a “spectrum,” that is, they are not like other diseases where either you have them, or you don’t. With spectrum disorders, the set of symptoms can range from very mild to very severe.
As I have discussed previously, narcissists at the mild end may be labeled as having narcissistic personality traits such as self-centeredness and vanity; those labeled as having narcissistic personality disorder will be mostly oblivious to the needs of others and will focus on maintaining a false and grandiose sense of self. At the outermost extreme, the narcissist becomes akin to a sociopath, feeling so over-entitled and so lacking in conscience or empathy that they are opportunists and even criminals.
Many sex addicts and other kinds of addicts have what is called a narcissistic defense system, that is, they have a façade of self-importance which merely covers a deep-seated lack of self-worth.
What to Expect in a Relationship With a Narcissist
Narcissists are cut off from others by their underlying insecurity, but they can become expert at manipulating people in order to draw them in. They can be habitually seductive as a way of finding validation and power in relating to people generally. They are fundamentally impossible to connect with in the following ways.
The Narcissist Needs You to Be Focused on Them
He or she may initially show great interest and appreciation for you. This is gratifying, but it is skin deep. It is done to get you to focus on them.
They may give lavish praise and compare you favorably to others; in this way they manipulate you into trying to keep their good opinion, thus becoming more and more focused on what they think about you (and everything else). You become unconsciously afraid to displease the narcissist or incur their disapproval.
The Narcissist Needs to See Anyone Close to Them as Special
The idea here is that the narcissist needs to feel he is wonderful and that he wouldn’t be seen associating with anyone who wasn’t wonderful too. He sees you as a reflection of his own specialness.
This does not really say anything about how he really feels about you. What is important to the narcissist is how you make him look to others and to himself.
The Narcissist Will Be Controlling and Demanding
You may feel constantly thrown off from what you were doing or thinking about because the narcissist will come at you with their needs and wants. Narcissists will have their own agenda most of the time. They will use their judgmental attitude, their scrutiny of you, and their strong opinions to enforce that agenda.
If you have already become involved, you may be sacrificing yourself in a million little ways and even feeling that your life has been taken over. This is a far cry from a real relationship, in which the partners’ lives together involve mutual decision-making and genuine listening.
Narcissists Become Volatile When Challenged
Since their façade of superiority is just a façade, the narcissist will be cut to the quick if they feel criticized in any way. Their first line of defense will be to discount and devalue whatever or whoever has pricked their bubble.
But they will be deeply affected and may harbor rage or resentment. This makes it impossible to express your true feelings or needs and to have them be heard.
Narcissists Withdraw When You Stop Feeding Their Narcissism
You may be unable to shake the feeling that the relationship is tenuous because it is. It is possible to puncture a narcissist’s false self very easily.
Since your worth to him or her lies in your ability to reinforce their self-image, you can become a hindrance if and when you stop mirroring their perfection.
When Narcissistic Traits Are Less Severe
Someone who has milder narcissistic traits is probably using their grandiosity as a defense, as is the case with most sex addicts in treatment.
In recovery, they can gain a stronger sense of self-worth and let go of the narcissistic defense system. With treatment, these people may be more able to connect to their insecurities, and you may find that they both want and have a genuine capacity for a healthy relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissism and Relationships
Can a narcissist really love someone?
A narcissist may appear loving, attentive, or devoted, especially early in a relationship. However, their need to protect a fragile sense of self makes it very difficult for them to sustain genuine empathy, emotional reciprocity, and concern for another person’s inner experience. What often looks like love is more accurately a need for validation.
Is there a difference between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder?
Yes. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Some people have narcissistic traits that function as a defense against low self-worth and insecurity. Others meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder and are largely unable to recognize or respond to the needs of others. The more severe the narcissism, the less possible a mutual, healthy relationship becomes.
Can a narcissistic person change with treatment?
People with milder narcissistic traits, including many sex addicts in recovery, may be able to develop insight, tolerate vulnerability, and form healthier connections through treatment. Those with more entrenched narcissistic personality structures are far less likely to change, as they do not experience their behavior as problematic.
These dynamics are explored in greater depth in Dr. Linda Hatch’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, which addresses intimacy, addiction, and recovery from a clinical perspective.
Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource