Are We Responsible For Our Sexuality?

The two recent articles, “Head case puzzle” (7/15/2012) by Robert M.  Sapolsky (a professor of neuroscience at Stanford University) and “Do pedophiles deserve sympathy?” (6/21/2012) by James Cantor ( of the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Toronto) point the way toward what will undoubtedly become an increasingly well understood science of the way in which brain wiring, injuries to the nervous system both before and after birth, childhood factors affecting brain development and genetics are all interwoven in such a way as to produce a human being who is predisposed to particular sexual acts.

But for those who want to see sex addicts and/or sex offenders as responsible for making the right choices no matter how they are wired, Sapolsky’s Op-Ed piece in the L.A. Times is a shot across the bow.

As Sapolsky points out, “Self-discipline, impulse control, gratification postponement and emotional regulation are all just as much products of biology as anything else that emanates from the brain.  The same types of evidence that allowed us to understand the role for biology in such things as abnormal sexual urges have also demonstrated a role for biology in giving in to those urges.”

Where are we with understanding sexual compulsion?

Some sex offenders and sex addicts seem to have wiring that is so messed up that they are incapable of ever gaining any connection with or empathy for another human being.  And yet we used to claim that people with “character disorders” such as borderline personality disorder were incurable too. But we now know that these “disorders of the self” as they are sometimes called are most often related to neurophysiological  issues that may be a result of early trauma and attachment issues and that they can be treated with a great deal of success.

So is sexual compulsion a disability permanently etched in the brain?

At present I believe we operate on the basis of a kind of implicitly understood continuum of biological permanence, which goes something like this:

sexual orientation  –  paraphilia  –  arousal template  – trauma reaction

In this continuum sexual orientation (gay, straight etc.) is accepted by most if not all people as hard wired in the brain if not the genome.   At the most fluid end of the scale, a trauma reaction or behavior that is in reaction to (or a repetition of) specific traumatic experiences which are often quite amenable to change through treatment.

The middle two categories are where the sex offenders and sex addicts are usually located.  Pedophilia, attraction to children, is a paraphilia like other types of sexual fixations.   It is the object of sexual attraction that is the most or only really sexually arousing person or thing.  These are seen as learned rather than innate for the most part but have been viewed as resistant to treatment.

“Arousal template” is the word used in most sex addiction therapy to refer to the sexual preferences such as dominance and submission, voyeurism and so on, which are the result of childhood experiences, early trauma and conditioning.  They are closer to trauma reactions in that with proper treatment they can be worked through and in many cases the person’s sexual behavior can come to be more “normal.”

If there is a neurophysiologically identifiable cause of the problem, we tend to see the person as less responsible for their behavior regardless of how effectively it can be treated.  Actually, the question should be not how much or little people have control over a given behavior, but how far we have come in being able to treat it.  The question of responsibility is one that the legal and philosophical systems rely on but ultimately it has little to do with the scientific reality of the prospects for treatment and recovery.

Porn And Sexism: Men Are Speaking Out

Men are tackling some tough sexual issues.  Issues like  male sexuality and sex addiction.  For decades there have been men who were for gender equality, against violence and against sex role injustice.  But now men’s liberation seems to be showing strength in the sexualarena.  There are currently a number of male-run websites exploring the myths around “male supremacist sexuality,” and taking a hard look at porn addiction as well.

In what follows I’ll give a few examples of what I’ve recently come across where male-run websites are challenging what they see as an outdated idea of male sexuality based on objectification and domination.

  •   From the website xyonline.net – title: “Men, Masculinities and Gender Politics”

“Porn makes sexism sexy: it makes domination, hierarchy, violence and hate feel like sex.  Sexism is eroticized.  Pornography is also one of the main enforcers of homophobia.”

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Dating a Sex Addict: Do’s and Don’ts

Let’s assume you are a very intuitive person.  Let’s say you are a woman who has just found out her boyfriend is frequently watching internet porn, having online sexual encounters, or engaging in other sexual activities in a secretive or compulsive way.

You have already got a pretty good idea that there’s something not OK about it.  Maybe he wants you to act out a particular fantasy scenario or engage in a 3-way or some other act that may not be in your comfort zone.  You say “no” and he keeps pushing you; maybe he even gets irritated.

The following are common sense ideas based on my own experience in working with sex addicts and their partners.

Don’ts

  • Don’t ignore your intuition.  Your intuition is that little faint voice inside you that tells you something doesn’t feel right.  It is way too easy to ignore that little voice especially in new dating situation when you don’t have all the “information.”  Your intuition has a lot of information, so trust it.
  • Don’t let yourself be talked out of what you are feeling.  If you say that you think there’s a problem and your boyfriend denies it and tries to brush it off you should continue to notice the signs of addiction.  And, if you are dealing with a sex addict, promises to change are worth next to nothing.
  • Don’t blame yourself for someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior.  Even if the person tries to blame you and say you are lacking sexually or some other way,  you cannot and should not accept a guilt trip
  • Don’t “manage” his illness.  Many sex addicts will disclose their behavior but not take responsibility for it.  They may let you be their coach, therapist or policeman.  This never works for either of you and is at bottom a way of dodging the issue.

Do’s

  • Do set boundaries that work for you.  This means deciding what you are really comfortable with.  It also means being clear about what you want and don’t want, expressing it and continuing to stick to it over time.
  • Do continue to observe and put the pieces together.  Ask a lot of questions, particularly about his relationship history and what he is looking for in a relationship.  You are not being paranoid, just prudent.
  • Do take a critical look at his behavior.  Hold onto the idea that no matter how sexually exciting you find the relationship, there are other very important ways to evaluate a potential boyfriend besides sexual magnetism.
  • Do demand that the person get help.  This is something he must do based on his own motivation but you may be important enough to him to provide that initial thrust. This means that if you take a stand you have to be ready to walk.  “Get help or I’m out of here,” is often what an addict needs to give him the impetus to get some help.

Obviously these are just a few observations and not the whole story.  There are many important aspects to how to conduct a dating relationship in present day society.  And there are many different viewpoints out there as to what is “normal” and what is sexually addictive or problematic so that it is easy to feel confused in an actual dating situation.

Please leave a comment and share your experience and wisdom on this topic!

Is Porn Addiction the “New Normal?

Judging by the statistics, internet pornography addiction is at least becoming the norm if not the normal.  One question that arises is how we as a society should respond to this phenomenon and why.

23 million porn addicts in the U.S., and that’s just the adults

The article “Pornography: ‘Everybody’s Watching it, Statistics Say” states that 30 percent of all web traffic is porn and that porn sites attract the greatest volume of web traffic.

According to the article “Internet Pornography Statistics”

“A total of 40 million U.S. adults regularly visit pornography websites.  Ten percent of adults admit to an internet sexual addiction (my italics) and 20 percent of men say they access pornography at work.”

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Will Sex Addiction Treatment Cure Intimacy Issues?

Sex addiction treatment lays a foundation

When a sex addict receives enough treatment and support to be able to refrain from sexual addictive behaviors, the addict and those around the addict may wonder if the treatment has also produced a new ability to be open, trusting and devoted in an intimate relationship.  In their addiction, addicts remove a part of themselves from their significant other; they live part of their life in secret or perhaps are unable to form a bond with a partner at all.   And, if the new found abstinence is more than “white knuckle” sobriety, the addict will have made some major changes in a number of areas which are fundamental to recovery from sex addiction.  In addition to getting off the “drug” of addictive sexual behaviors, the addict will have learned some or all of the following:

  • A habit of honesty and integrity in all their dealings with people
  • A capacity for more open communication rather than being ashamed and secretive
  • An awareness that their addiction left them lonely and isolated
  • An ability to tolerate unpleasant and painful situations and feelings
  • A willingness to be seen for who they are rather than playing a role
  • A commitment to continued growth and to helping others

These are all good things and things which will help both the sex addict and their partner or potential partner achieve a healthy, passionate and loving relationship.  But although these abilities form a basis for intimate relating they are not the whole story.  They are necessary but not sufficient.

There is still a ways to go for sex addiction treatment methods

Sex addicts have a variety of intimacy issues that typically underlie their addiction and although these are addressed in treatment, the process of learning new intimacy skills and practicing a new and different kind of relating will be an ongoing process.  Some of the traits of the addict that linger will almost certainly crop up in the relationships that addicts have in the early years of recovery.

Because sex addicts have never had a healthy intimate relationship, they will have had no experience of the day to day reality of relating to a partner in a new way, a way that fits their new sense of self.  They have learned how to be better, but they have not had an opportunity to learn how to be better as a spouse or partner or perhaps even how to approach dating.  The addict most commonly had a problematic attachment with one or more caregivers early in life which left them with a deep mistrust of intimacy.  In addition, the typical addict family of origin is one without committed, open, healthy intimacy between parents, and so the addict has no model to strive toward: he/she doesn’t know what a good relationship really looks like.

Other areas where the addict’s old patterns of behavior may crop up relate to some of the typical ways of thinking and feeling that go along with the unconscious conditioning of most sex addicts.

  1. Addicts may struggle with sexual avoidance with their partner.  Remember sex addicts have been involving part of themselves in a separate very intense sexual life that does not make any interpersonal demands on them.  With a partner they cannot go off into a fantasy world or use the sex as a drug in the same way.  This may lead to a nagging discomfort with sex that can only be overcome with time and practice.  Yes, practice.

 

  1. Sex addicts are used to living as narcissists.  Narcissism is a defense mechanism that allows addicts to feel superficially good about themselves when they really don’t feel they are worth much at all.  They have been avoiding their own painful emotions their whole life and they are not yet entirely ready to admit that they are imperfect, to listen to other people, and to accept a world in which they can feel OK without having to feel special or over-entitled.

 

  1. Sex addicts have lived their whole life feeling that they could not entirely trust others and could not rely on others to meet their needs.  This leads to an excessive need for control that makes it hard for addicts in recovery to get used to a new model of relating that requires compromise, mutual respect and a  great deal of faith in their spouse or partner.

 

  1. Sex addicts are often loners.  Even if they are overtly social or seem to be good team players they tend to feel a deep sense of separateness and isolation.  It is an ongoing challenge for many recovering sex addicts to really bond with another person, to give themselves over to a “oneness” with another person.    They will have to gradually learn to break through that invisible barrier, a process that will naturally occur over time if they consciously let it.

So long as recovering sex addicts and their partners or significant others have a commitment to continuing to grow, they will be able to continually gain new intimacy skills for a long time to come.  Treatment is only the beginning.  As the saying goes “recovery takes a lifetime.”

Frequently asked questions about sex addiction: The first in a series

Is sex addiction the result of a brain disorder?

Yes, according to recent studies of brain development.  Sexual addiction is now often discussed in clinical circles as “a brain disorder manifesting in a compulsive behavior.”

Sexually addicted people very often have some history of emotional, physical or sexual abuse or neglect in their early life which is thought to cause stunting in specific parts of the developing brain. This in turn results in impairment in the brain’s ability to regulate emotional and behavioral reactions which in turn leads to over-reactions of distress and “emergency” unrelated to present day reality.  The use of a drug or an addictive behavior later in life can become a substitute for the normal mechanisms of emotional regulation such as the ability to calm oneself, to stop and think, etc.

Thus the brain of the addict has two strikes against it.  First, the person will have more difficulty maintaining their emotional equilibrium and will reach for outside substance or experience to take the place of the normal self soothing mechanisms.  Second the addict’s brain is less able to control his or her reactions and so the addict will tend to behave impulsively and without regard to consequences, especially if the behavior (drugs, sex, food etc.) offers escape from uncomfortable emotions (see also Sex Addiction is a Drug and This is Your Brain on Cyber Porn.)

With treatment the learning of new self regulating skills and new behaviors, the letting go of old reactions and the resolving of early trauma make room for different neural pathways to form. In this way the addict brain can and does heal over time

Scariest Halloween Sex Addiction Headlines (and one nice one)

Catholic pedophile investigator jailed for child pornography

Oct 29, 2011- 7 hours ago by JohnThomas Didymus

Christopher Jarvis, a man appointed pedophile investigator and “child safeguarding officer” for the Diocese of Plymouth, South West England, has been jailed 12 months for possession of thousands of child pornographic images. ..According to Daily Mail, Christopher Jarvis, 49, was in charge of investigating child sexual abuse allegations and child protection in 120 churches and parish communities for nine years. …

Police investigators, at Jarvis’ Plymouthresidence, found on his computer, more than 4,000 pornographic images, mostly of boys aged 10 to 12.   Details of the nature of the images emerged in his trial. About 120 of the images were classified “Level Four” abusive images, showing scenes of rape; 12 were classified “Level Five,” showing scenes of torture and sadism. Jarvis was also accused of viewing erotic images of sexual relationship between a child and an adult male.

Read more: http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/313563#ixzz1cDFMvocd

My Take: This is very scary indeed and opens up a very large topic as to the ways in which some clergy members are placed at grave risk for sexual addiction/sexual offending.  The scariest part to me is that this man had been in charge of investigating child sexual abuse allegations for nine years.

ACLU Sues to Block Enforcment of law limiting Sex Offenders’ internet access

NEW ORLEANS— The American Civil Liberties Union of Louisiana sued Monday to block enforcement of a new state law that limits sex offenders’ access to social networking websites and other online forums, claiming the restrictions are overly broad and unconstitutional.

Gov. Bobby Jindal, who is named as a defendant in the federal suit, said he will “fight this with everything I have.”….The ACLU also argues that the law’s definition of a social networking website could be interpreted to include “most of the Internet.”….

“Just about every website in existence incorporates a ‘mechanism for communication’ among users, whether that mechanism is as simple as a ‘comments’ section or as complicated as a web-based email service, such as Yahoo or Gmail,” the group wrote in a court filing.

A first conviction for violating the law carries a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison. A second conviction is punishable by at least five years and up to 20 years in prison.

My Take:  This seems like yet another example of the kind of panic reaction based on no real evidence that the proposed law will actually accomplish anything.  I will post a longer report on recent evidence as to what works and what doesn’t in terms of law enforcement, monitoring, etc. vs. what works and what doesn’t in terms of treatment and rehabilitation.

Sexual satisfaction part of successful aging

By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on August 25, 2011

A new study of older women finds that successful aging and a positive quality of life are linked to sexual satisfaction.

The report is published online in the Journal of the American Geriatric Society….As expected, sexual activity and functioning (such things as desire, arousal and ability to climax) declined as a woman aged, as did reported physical and mental health…..However, in contrast to sexual activity and functioning, satisfaction with overall sex life was not significantly different between the three age cohorts studied: age 60 to 69; 70 to 70; and 80 to 89.

Approximately 67 percent, 60 percent, and 61 percent of women in these three age groups, respectively, reported that they were “moderately” to “very satisfied” with their sex lives.

This surprised researchers who surmised that sexual satisfaction would decline with age.

My Take: This does not surprise me.  I have long been aware that the idea that sexuality is absent from old age as well as the idea that sexual urges are somehow unseemly in the elderly is simply an expression of a very ageist stereotype. However, this finding should alert us to the fact that it is often an older person who needs help with the problem of sexual addiction and not just the young or middle aged.

 

 

Week-End Sex in the News: Top Headlines – Internet Pornography, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Child Pornography

My news alerts usually consist of a seemingly endless stream of stories about people being arrested on porn charges or other scintillating stories relating to sex and sex addiction such as: “New Brunswick Nearly Leads Canada for the Crime of Stalking” or “Sex Offenders go AWOL in Scotland”.

Today, however there were a few that were both sensational and in some way relevant.  Here they are in no particular order with my comments.

1.   Internet pornography ‘destroying men’s ability to perform with real women’

October 22, 2011 – 5:32 pm by News Desk | Permalink | Print This Article |

London, Oct 22 (ANI): Internet pornography is destroying men’s ability to perform with real women and creating a generation of young men who are hopeless in the bedroom, according to a new research.  Exposure to lurid images and films in the new media is de-sensitising so many young people that they are increasingly unable to become excited by ordinary sexual encounters, the report said.

The result of this over exposure is that impotence is no longer a problem associated with middle-aged men of poor health but is afflicting men in the prime of their lives.  The report explains that the loss of libido 30 years early is caused by continuous over-stimulation of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that activates the body’s reaction to sexual pleasure, by repeatedly viewing pornography on the Internet.

A ‘paradoxical effect’ is created whereby with each new thrill, or “dopamine spike”, the brain loses its ability to respond to dopamine signals, meaning that porn-users demand increasingly extreme experiences to become sexually aroused.

“Erotic words, pictures, and videos have been around a long while, but the Internet makes possible a never-ending stream of dopamine spikes,” the Daily Mail quoted Marnia Robinson, the author of the report as saying.  “Today’s users can force its release by watching porn in multiple windows, searching endlessly, fast-forwarding to the bits they find hottest, switching to live sex chat, viewing constant novelty, firing up their mirror neurons with video action and cam-2-cam, or escalating to extreme genres and anxiety-producing material.

“It’s all free, easy to access, available within seconds, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

“In some porn users, the response to dopamine is dropping so low that they can’t achieve an erection without constant hits of dopamine via the internet,” she added. (ANI)

My Take:  This is a really important report and suggests the need for further study.  It is important for two reasons:

(1) Because it deals with the brain chemistry associated with bombarding oneself with internet pornography and sexualized imagery in general

(2) Because it points to the fact that use of sexual or pornographic imagery as a drug is creating a “tolerance” for the experience, much like the tolerance for narcotics, such that we require greater and greater amounts (or greater intensity of experience)

2. Gwyneth Paltrow rolls in the hay at former N.Y. stables for sex-freak role in ‘Thanks for Sharing’

GATECRASHER

Gwyneth Paltrow appears to be taking it off for the cameras again. A source tells us the actress shot some racy scenes for the film “Thanks for Sharing” on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday at Carriage House, a former stable at 159 W. 24th St. that’s been converted into condominium apartments. The movie is reportedly about three people who undergo a 12-step treatment for sex addiction. An insider tells us that in one of the scenes, Paltrow performs a “striptease via Skype” for co-star Mark Ruffalo, who wasn’t on the set. Hubba hubba. We wonder if Paltrow and her husband, Coldplay front man Chris Martin, ever engage in similar video chats. A spokesman for Paltrow didn’t get back to us by deadline.

My Take: So I confess that I think it’s great that there are movies being made about sex addiction. Even bad movies, movies that glamorize it, or portray the sufferers or their treatment in misleading ways.  As long as the film does not use the concept as exploitation and makes a stab at some kind of relevance, it will at least get the problem out there into the public dialogue more.  A great example was the movie “Choke” with Sam Rockwell which came out a few years ago.  I have not seen “Shame” yet…

3.  Anonymous Takes Down Massive Child Pornography Server, Leaks Usernames

by Max Eddy | 11:00 am, October 23rd, 2011

In a move that we can all get behind, hacker group Anonymous has announced that they have taken down a huge cache of child pornography and released 1,589 usernames of the website’s patrons. The action came as part of Operation Darknet, which targets illicit websites that are part of an unindexed and therefore unsearchable corner of the Internet.

The server in question is owned by Freedom Hosting, and apparently services over 40 child pornography websites. The largest of these, disturbingly called Lolita City, was said to contain over 100gb of child pornography.

Interestingly, the Anonymous hack is extremely well documented. In two separate Pastebin posts, the hackers involved provide a timeline of events, as well as some of the methodologies they used in tracking and taking down the servers…

My Take: Hackers doing what they do best and judging by the comments, people are cheering.  However, what everyone seems to want to know is now what?  Will law enforcement actually do something with the information?  And for those of us on the treatment end of things, what will happen to the suspects, when they are finally run to ground?  Maybe the next hacking enterprise could deal with collecting some data that would help with addiction research.  Call me, we’ll talk.

 

 

 

 

What is Healthy Sex for a Sex Addict?

I can’t tell you how many people in sex addiction programs are baffled about the issue of healthy sex.  They are pretty clear on what they need to not do, but they are at a loss to envision what a healthy sex life would look like for them.  Many addicts have never had the experience of what they see as “normal” sex with anyone. For example, they may have experienced their sexuality only in the two dimensional fantasy world of pornography, or they may have experienced sexual arousal only in very alienated or risky situations with strangers, illicit situations etc.  In other words, for most sex addicts in early to mid recovery strong sexual feelings have never been integrated in any way into their life and relationships.  Therefore, they have trouble seeing how they could ever feel intense sexual interest and gratification in the absence of their “acting out” behaviors.  They know it exists, but for them it is an empty concept.  The problem is further complicated if the addict is married or in a long term relationship in which they have been leading a double life.  Chances are that they have periods of aversion to sex with their partner and/or that they have a sex life with their partner in which they find ways to bring their addictive behaviors into the mix such as being lost in their addictive fantasies during sex, bringing other people into the situation somehow, etc.

What has been written about healthy sex may or may not help enlighten the addict in early sexual recovery.  Dr. Patrick Carnes’ writing is read by many recovering addicts and he has defined 12 dimensions of healthy sexuality which mostly have to do with the overall emotional maturity and relationship skills of the individuals in question.  Such things as the ability to nurture and be nurtured, a clear sense of self and good boundaries, comfort with sex in general, the capacity for genital and non genital sex with a partner and so on.  While these may be a necessary foundation for a sexually healthy person, they don’t help flesh out the concept of the sex life itself.  Likewise, most addicts at some time come across the saying that “intensity is not intimacy”.  Dr. Carnes spells this difference out in terms of ten different domains of functioning, e.g. high drama vs. problem resolution, or fear and arousal vs. passion and vulnerability.  So although a person may be aware that fear or drama are what escalate their arousal, they have no model in their mind for how to achieve that level of arousal any other way.  The awareness is important, but they would like to know where it’s all going.

So when we ask a sex addict to believe that he or she will be able at some point to enjoy the rewards of healthy sex are we able to offer any proof?  Are we simply saying that they should clap their hands to show they believe in Tinkerbell?  Well, in a way, yes.  We already know that the willingness to embark on any journey of recovery involves a leap of faith.  So sex addicts need to take it on faith that they will like what they get when they get there. But they also need to recognize some other realities about a healthy sex life with a committed partner.

First and foremost I think that addicts need to realize that healthy sex in the context of a good relationship may have a high degree of passion, variety and deep gratification, but it will not involve the same kind of hyper-arousal, the blast of instantaneous intensity that comes with acting out situations and fantasies.  The good news is that the need for that kind of “hit” dissipates in the fullness of recovery.  In other words you won’t have what you once had but it won’t matter as much as you think it will.

By the same token, addictive sexual behaviors tend to be the same every time.  The addict controls the script and the outcome, even to the point of building in the risk or fear to heighten the “fuel mix”.  The healthy sexual relationship has more room for the unexpected to happen, so that even though the context is one of comfort and safety, there is the possibility of genuine discovery.

Second, people tend to be unclear on the role of fantasy in their sexual life with a partner.  Although this is an individual matter, generally speaking sexual thoughts and images can and should be part of healthy sex as long as they do not remove you from the present situation.  Any kind of sexual fantasy may enhance your experience with a partner (or in masturbation for that matter) but it should be one that allows you to be more engaged in the real, physical experience at the time rather than less.  Fantasy as a means to check out, numb out or escape is likely to set up a pattern that is not conducive to healthy sex.

Another way to look at this trade off in recovery is to put it in terms of what the AA book entitled Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions calls “the sacrificial spirit”.  We sacrifice something to get something more worthy.  In this case we sacrifice the need to focus only on ourselves and our own most perfect gratification and we behave in ways that have to do with the overall benefit to our lives and the lives of everyone around us.  As addicts change, they will likely come to see that addictive sex is a drug they want to put down and that it was only their most important need because it was an addiction.

Finally, an inescapable reality of intimate relationships is that they require some attention in order to be maintained.  So in terms of a healthy sex life the addict and their partner need to nurture all aspects of their relationship life, including the sexual.  Planning to have sex, setting up a time to have sex may seem like anathema to sex addicts starting out in relationship recovery because, again, it’s not the impulsive or mindless escape into the “hit” or the oblivion of acting out.  Sure, sometimes sex with a spouse or partner can be spontaneous and free and that’s great.  But taking care to have time to have sex is going to be part of taking care of your relationship, just like expressing affection, problem solving, negotiating, and guarding each others’ solitude.