Does Sex Addiction Lead to Gay Sexual Experiences?

There is no reason to think that sex addiction is inherently gay vs. straight.  Here are the available estimates to date.  Rob Weiss who writes on sex addiction and gay sex addicts reports that 10% of gay men are sex addicts.  Studies and estimates of the number of straight sex addicts in the U.S. are in the range of 6 to 9%, so a conservative estimate would be about 7%.

Given the available recent data, around 3.5% of the U.S. population are gay. So it seems that of the approximately 250 million adults in the U.S. around 16.9 million are straight sex addicts and around 875,000 are gay sex addicts. (The latter number may be a little off as it assumes lesbians are sex addicts in the same proportion as gay men which may not be the case.)

This set of numbers seems to show that there are an awful lot of straight people in the U.S. who are sex addicts and a relatively smaller number of gay sex addicts.  But proportionally speaking, sex addiction is an equal opportunity affliction.

Although there is no reason to think that sex addiction in and of itself does anything to change a person’s sexual orientation there is occasionally some spill over.  On the basis of my own experience with both straight and gay sex addicts I have concluded that there are some reasons why straight addicts, at some point in their addiction, can have experiences with gay sex and possibly the other way around as well.

Sex addiction is progressive

Untreated sex addicts tend to act out more frequently and to seek out new and more exciting sexual activities.  As with all addictions it takes more of the drug or a stronger drug to keep the high going.  Sex addicts who started out with internet porn and strip clubs may progress to sexual massage parlors and prostitutes.  Sometimes the addict will escalate into risky or illicit behaviors like boundary violations with adults or children or voyeurism.

In the search for a new and different high, I have seen many sex addicts who have had experiences with same sex partners.  This is not to say that they are covertly gay, but in this case it is only that they are looking for the next edgy thing.

Denial can dissolve normal restrains

Sex addiction depends on a sort of delusional state in which boundaries around what is unacceptable behavior become weaker.  Denial allows addicts to let go their inner compass.  And denial too is progressive and spreads to other areas of life.  Secrecy and lack of integrity become the norm.  As the denial and addiction take over the addict more and more ignores the consequences of his behavior regardless of whether he is gay or straight.  He may exploit others or allow himself to be in situations which for him are abnormal.  In other words he may lose the sense of control over his life and be less able to self activate.

Porn as the great accelerator

Internet pornography is so varied and intense it its content that it can present the addict with new and highly charged stimuli which trigger a forgotten experience or trauma from childhood.  If the scenario involves gay sex and if the addict acts on it then it can look like a gay-straight issue when in fact it is unconscious imprinting that does not relate to the addicts underlying sexual orientation.

Recovery and sorting out sexual orientation

In the first year or two of recovery, sex addicts are sorting out who they are.  As they let go of their old way of living and understand the experiences that led to their addiction, they will sort out their sexual orientation, possibly in a new way.

The addict who has been repeating childhood trauma with same sex partners may find that in recovery his more integrated and conscious sexual desires fall in a different direction.  I have seen a gay sex addict come to the realization that he may actually be bisexual and so on.

Sometimes the acting out behavior does represent a true underlying orientation and the person acts it out in secret due to shame.  But first the person needs to be evaluated for and possibly treated for sex addiction and their true orientation can become clear.  See also my prior post Can a Straight Man be Addicted to Gay Sex?

Fighting Porn Addiction: Should Porn be Against the Law?

Even if they do not talk about the problem in terms of porn addiction, many countries are concerned about the mushrooming consumption of porn and are making moves in the direction of criminalizing internet pornography.  A number of countries already have.  The concern is not only about child porn but all hardcore online porn.

Whether governments should ban porn or not is a complicated matter that is debated on many levels.  But there is also a debate about whether it is actually possible to stop the flow of porn onto the internet. 

Let’s look at these two questions separately.

Should countries prohibit hardcore adult porn?

A number of countries are either attempting to enforce existing laws against pornography by blocking internet porn sites and/or by prosecuting those responsible for the porn sites.  A number of other countries are in the process of trying to make online porn content illegal.

Hardcore pornographic content is already being blocked in China, Hong Kong, Singapore, Gaza Strip, Indonesia and Pakistan and there is a complicated regulatory structure in Australia.   (See the Wikipedia catalog of countries and their existing porn laws.)

In other countries there is heated debate and movement toward the banning of internet porn, such as India, Egypt and Iceland.  And in the UK and the US there is controversy about and resistance to making or enforcing laws that criminalize the posting or viewing of hardcore adult pornographic content.

Some of the main arguments for making anti-porn laws (or for enforcing laws that may be on the books) are:

-Porn is socially unjust in that it is oppressive toward women (Iceland),

-Porn is causing violence against women (India)

-Porn is socially and morally corrosive (China, Egypt and others)

-Porn addiction is a problem for many adults (US, UK)

-children can be inadvertently exposed to harmful content (US, UK, Iceland and others)

The arguments against criminalizing adult hardcore porn are mainly that such laws would violate freedom of expression, that porn is personal and is something that should not be controlled by governments and that there are legitimate positive uses for pornographic content.

Is it possible to outlaw internet porn?

A 2011 International Herald Tribune headline states: “Over 1,000 porn sites blocked in Pakistan.”  Although at that time Pakistan was continuing to find and block sites, the article goes on to say that there was a list of over 170,000 websites that might be banned.  The article says:

“Blocking 170,000 sites is not feasible for any operator.  The screening time on a per request basis will essentially slow the internet down to make it unusable.”

The International Business Times last month had an article on China’s anti-porn ban which reported that the creator of China’s biggest porn site was convicted and sentenced to life in prison in 2005, and that movie producers and film studios creating erotic films can potentially lose their licenses to make movies.

But the article goes on to state:

“Still, with constantly developing technology, and the demand for pornography, Internet users are still able to access pornographic material.”

Last month the L.A. Times reported that following anti-porn demonstrations, Egypt now has a plan to implement a court-ordered ban on porn websites.  The plan is to target each individual website and will cost about $4 million.  This is a big and controversial expense for a country that is under pressure economically.  This seems like a never ending if not impossible task for any government to attempt.  And if porn cannot be interdicted at the level of the website or the internet service provider it seems like a hard sell to prosecute individuals for watching the material that is currently flooding the web.

I am convinced that porn addiction is a growing problem and that the epidemic of porn consumption around the globe shows no sign of slowing.  The process of getting the product to the customer via the internet is extremely sophisticated and difficult to regulate.

Yet we do regulate some products that are addictive and/or damaging such as cigarettes, alcohol and even the sexual content of movies.  People need to find a way to agree on some basic ideas about what content should be regulated, especially as regards children.  The problem of implement regulations on internet content, like the problem of combating porn addiction, will probably be a long and difficult process combining the efforts of research, technology, public heath and advocacy.

Treatment for Partners of Sex Addicts: The Fallout and the Recovery

When a partner discovers they are in a relationship with a sex addict they are to a greater or lesser degree in a kind of post traumatic state of shock.  This means that they may not be able to sort out what they are feeling very well.

Often the first reflex is to be angry and want to reject the addict.  But I have found that the partner or spouse will usually realize that the addict has a serious problem and begin to do the leg work of finding the right kind of help.

Sometimes the partner will be interested in participating in the addict’s recovery and sometimes not.  Often the partner will be on the fence about whether they will be able to stay in the relationship.  There are many different kinds of responses to this crisis and many different ways of coping.

Some common reactions

Some spouses and partners focus too much on the addict.  They go into an emergency mode in which they concentrate their energy on the addict’s need for help that they neglect their own needs.  The feeling is to get this problem solved as fast as possible and get back to “normal.”  But the treatment for sex addiction will of necessity change the people involved in some profound ways and will therefore mean that the relationship will not go back to exactly the way it was.

Getting help for a sex addict partner is not like helping a partner get through knee surgery.  It involves the addict getting help with problems relating to intimacy.   A relationship that was one of dishonesty and compartmentalization becomes one of openness and trust.  This big picture is usually hard for either partner to discern at the outset.

Some partners feel an urge to explain away the addict’s problem.  They feel very invested in what they may think was a great relationship and don’t quite know how to adjust to the idea that there is a major problem.  One way to attempt to get clarity  is to blame themselves or other circumstances, such as a separation, a pregnancy and so on.  “If such-and-such hadn’t happened then my partner wouldn’t have felt X or Y or Z and he wouldn’t have needed to engage in sexually addictive behavior.”

But the addict does have a problem and the fact that a life stressor caused it to escalate does not mean that it is not there.

Sometimes partners are so angry at their spouse or partner that even though they do not immediately decide to leave the relationship they try to completely shut out the problem.  They say in effect: “I’m fine, you’re messed up and you need to go get fixed.”  Meanwhile, their thinking goes, I will just get on with my life, and if you get better then we’ll be a couple again.

This is also a natural response but the fact is that although the addict’s recovery is not the partner’s responsibility, the partner does have to face up to what has happened to the relationship and to the impact that it has had on them.  Eventually partners of sex addicts need to be able to recognize that the kind of betrayal they have experienced is not a small matter and that it is OK to be vulnerable to being hurt and OK to get support.  We are human and we need to be able to trust those we love.  And because we are human our loved ones can hurt us. This means we deserve help too.

What kind of help do partners and spouses need

The kind of support that partners need and want varies enormously.  I have seen spouses so devastated by sexual betrayal that they wanted and needed a residential treatment program of their own.  Other partners find it useful to get therapy with a sex addiction counselor for themselves.  They need to better understand the nature of sex addiction and the fact that they didn’t cause it and they can’t cure it.  They may need to learn to set boundaries, communicate their feelings more clearly and sort out, bottom line, what they are willing to accept and what they are not.

Most spouses and partners benefit from the support of other spouses and partners of sex addicts who are dealing with the same experiences.  This can take the form of group therapy, 12-step programs for partners of sex addicts or co-dependents generally, on online resources for educational information and websites by and for partners of sex addicts.

It is surprising how many couples survive sex addiction and go on to thrive.  The research has indicated that the participation of the spouse or partner in the process of recovery at an appropriate time is key to this success.  Both the addict and the partner need to get the right kind of help and then they need to work together to rebuild their relationship.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

The One Essential Key to Porn and Sex Addiction Recovery

Some people start recovery for sex addiction at a full gallop and never look back.  But for people who struggle with sex and porn addiction and who have multiple slips or periodic relapses there is one key thing they may be missing.

I’m not talking here about the spiritual enlightenment side of it, the so called “white light moment” or even just the daily spiritual practice.  Those are important elements but there is something much more mundane than that.

A simple idea with big ramifications

It sounds deceptively simple but the thing you need to get your head around in recovery is that your recovery comes first.  Deceptively simple because it is very hard to put this idea into practice.  For one thing although addicts may be selfish and narcissistic, that does not mean that they are any good at getting their priorities straight.

The idea that  recovery literally comes before anything else. 

You might say well what if I am having a heart attack?  Should I go to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting or to the emergency room?  Well of course you need to deal with really life threatening situations first.  But in day-to-day life it is important to take the commandment to put recovery first quite literally.

Why is this so important?  Because addicts find excuses to avoid getting sober.  The need for the “drug” leads to rationalizations for putting other things ahead of the addict’s own need to recover.  This is faulty logic.  And it is part of the “cunning baffling and insidious” nature of the addiction talked about in the 12-step literature.

Isn’t spending time with your kids more important than your own recovery?  My addict clients are surprised when I challenge this idea.  Off the top it seems selfish and harmful to their children to disappoint them and undermine the closeness.  But dropping the ball on your recovery work is more harmful in the long run to everyone concerned.

There is a saying in 12-step circles that “Anything you put ahead of your recovery you will lose”.

This is profound  The reason recovery comes first is that addiction is so destructive.  Over time, the un-sober addict will forfeit everything that ever mattered to him.  He will destroy relationships, jobs, money, health, and lose any chance to fulfill his potential in life.

Many addicts get stuck in a pattern of continual relapse even though they are quite diligent about going to treatment, going to meetings and so on.  Making recovery the center of your life, at least until you are well on your way (usually at least a year or two and often longer) means more than just going through the motions of getting help.

Recovering addicts may enter treatment for any number of reasons other than wanting to get over their addiction.  In fact few actually want to stop using porn or sexually addictive behaviors in the beginning.  Most likely they have come to get help because their spouse or partner threatened to leave them, because they lost their job, because they got in trouble with the law, or some other crisis situation.

The crisis motivates the addict to get into recovery in order to hold onto something else: the wife, the career, their freedom.  And yet in the long run the motivation needs to shift, the addict needs to put those things after his recovery or he will stay an addict.  He will lose the very things he came into recovery to keep.

Putting recovery first is very hard.  As if the siren song of sex addiction weren’t enough, life throws numerous other challenges our way.  We get temporarily derailed from what we need to do to stay sober.  But eventually the basic principle applies: be ruthless in your pursuit of your own need to recover.  If you think in this way nothing and no one can stop you.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why Some Sex Addicts Keep Relapsing in Recovery

Let’s assume you are already clear on the fact that you are a sex addict.  You have consulted with experts and ruled out other causes of hypersexual behavior such as medication reactions (as with some Parkinson’s drugs) and other psychological, physical or neurological disorders. Are there any wrong reasons to get help?  Yes and no.  The initial motivation for getting into sex addiction treatment is often as a means to some other end rather than as a way to become healthier. Yet in the process of recovery the motivation moves from outside of you to inside of you; from extrinsic to intrinsic.  This is when you become truly engaged in recovery.  And this process of embracing recovery even in the absence of any outside pressures to do so is what makes it possible to enjoy solid, long term sexual sobriety.

What drives people into recovery vs. what keeps them there

There are a number of  situations that lead people to reach out for help and then stall out. 

  • Getting in trouble

This could be anything from getting arrested for indecent exposure to losing your job after being discovered using pornography at work to getting in trouble for sexual harassment.  You may get into treatment because you are required to as a result of getting in trouble. But if that remains your only reason to change you will not get too far.  You may stay committed to your addictive behavior and simply “white knuckle” your sobriety in order to meet society’s requirements.  Chances are you will correct your legal or employment situation but you will  still lack the recovery skills to stay away from sexual acting out. It is extremely hard to “embrace” recovery while you are feeling forced into it.

  • Pressure from a partner

This is by far the most common reason propelling people to seek help initially.  It’s not a bad reason, but if all you want is to get your wife back or placate your husband you will not only have a poor prognosis in recovery, you will also probably find that your partner continues to be mistrustful.  And with good reason. Partners can regain trust in a sex addict but only if they see the addict as genuinely involved in their own individual growth.  Furthermore, if you only want to get things “back the way they were” (before you were found out) then the chances are you will continue unhealthy patterns in your relationship that provided the excuse for your addictive sexual behavior.

  • Social pressures

You may find that your sexual behavior is inconsistent with the belief system of your church or community.  You want the good opinion of people you need to impress. You seek to appear to yourself and others as though you care about changing. Wanting to behave in accordance with principles is a good things except when it involves placing the locus of control outside of yourself.  You are seeing your worth as determined by what others think and not what actually works for you in your life.  This is a position of low self esteem and if it does not change in the course of treatment you may remain stuck.

  • Self image

You may be  stuck in your addiction even though you are active in treatment and support groups.  Your addiction doesn’t square with how you want to think of yourself, and yet you don’t want to give it up.  In this case you are only partially engaged in the recovery process.  You can say “I’m trying really hard but I just can’t get sexually sober.”  This allows you to let yourself off the hook while you continue to have frequent relapses.  You can go to meetings that offer you fellowship and sympathy but you don’t have to change. The way out of this involves building in serious contingency plans for “upping” your program like going into a residential program and going back into therapy in the event that you are stalled out.

The right reasons

The journey of recovery involves establishing abstinence from the behavior, working through the issues that caused the problems, building a sense of commitment, connectedness and strength, and finding a new way of living based on honesty and integrity. If recovery doesn’t start to become valuable to you for its own sake then you are likely going to stall out half way through.  You have found a way to keep one foot in denial.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Recovering Alcoholics Often Have Sex and Intimacy Issues

Sex addiction therapists as well as many in the recovery community believe that a sizable proportion of alcoholics are also sex addicts or move into sexual addiction once they are sober from alcohol.

Intimacy disability is at the heart of all addiction

Alcoholics and drug addicts who are abstinent from drug and alcohol use have most often “worked a program” in which they became aware of their own fears and insecurities.  They have probably learned how to be less self-conscious and more authentic in their every day dealings with people.  They have also been exposed to the idea that recovery means “rigorous honesty.”

However, sobriety from chemical dependency does not necessarily mean delving into the hang-ups that the addict has with regard to intimate relationships.  The recovering addict or alcoholic will have learned to trust a higher power and to accept the help and friendship of other people.  And yet they may still be incapable of being trusting and open in an intimate romantic/sexual relationship.

The alcoholic/addict may have had no experience with “healthy” intimate relationships.  Most if not all addicts have childhoods characterized by problems in their bonding with their parents or caregivers.  These may seem very obvious or more subtle, but these attachment issues produce addiction prone people who have a long-standing mistrust and avoidance of intimate bonding.

Alcoholics and addicts may have worked through their general social avoidance, self-consciousness and discomfort for which alcohol was the medication. But they may not be able to carry those skills over to the more threatening and less familiar area of dating and intimacy.  Often they are aware of the fact that in their alcoholism or drug addiction they did not have healthy relationships.  As they often put it they don’t have relationships, they “take hostages.”

Alcoholics and addicts resist looking at their intimacy issues

A lot of alcoholics/sex addicts will tell you that programs like SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) are “graduate school” compared to AA and the other chemical dependency support groups.

Sex addiction programs look a lot like drug and alcohol programs and they do have a lot in common.  But quitting drinking or drugs is often experienced as a simpler and easier process for many people than confronting sex addiction.  I have heard more than one AA member complain that when it comes to SAA: “the credits don’t transfer.”

Although recovering alcoholics are very well represented in the ranks of recovering sex addicts, there remain a very large number of recovering alcoholics who resist or pooh-pooh the idea of sex addiction recovery.

People recovering from chemical dependency use the same denial mechanisms about sex addiction that they used about drugs or alcohol prior to getting into recovery from chemical dependency.  These denial mechanisms have just changed their content but not their basic form.  They include things like minimizing, rationalizing, intellectualizing, and compartmentalizing.

The role of ego

In all of the above mentioned denial mechanisms, there is an element of ego that has crept back into the alcoholic or addicts thinking.  They can’t imagine what it is to feel safe and contented in an intimate relationship and instead they satisfy themselves with various behaviors such as one night stands, serial seductions, high drama relationships that do not last, or avoidance of intimate relating altogether and so on.

What the recovering addict in denial has failed to see is that other people can and do change and that their sexually addictive tendencies are out of their control.  They have forgotten that step one in 12-step work is admitting powerlessness and admitting that you need help.  The ego has crept in the form of “self-will” about sexuality and relationships.  The addict has forgotten about reaching out and having faith.

Sex Addiction Deniers: What Makes Them So Mad?

The mere idea of “sex addiction” gets a lot of people angry.  I’m talking here about the writers who rail about the “myth” of sexual addiction and who argue that the whole idea of sex addiction is just a cop-out for the addict and a money making scam for the professionals.

The anatomy of a sex addiction denier

I prefer to see these “deniers,” as I call them, as a part of a larger societal pattern and one that is worthy of study in its own right.

Currently the opposition to the concept of sex addiction comes in two main flavors.

1.  Sex addiction is really just normal behavior.

These men and women have a defensive reaction to the whole field of sex addiction treatment as an attempt to restrain normal sexual freedoms.  Sometimes their blogs and online commentary seem to be jokingly, (nervously?) defending behavior around which they have some unacknowledged shame.  The message is “we all do it and you just think it is ‘sick’ because you are so uptight!”  This is an uninformed bias that seems to resist logic.

2.  Sex addiction is really just irresponsible behavior.

This argument comes from all quarters including some in the scientific community.  It minimizes the seriousness of the problem and the suffering it can cause, and the message is often “you so-called addicts are just behaving badly and you need to take responsibility and shape up!”

This second argument sometimes takes the form that “if sex can be an addiction then anything can,” or “if we let people off by calling it a disease then there’s a slippery slope which will lead to nobody ever taking any responsibility for anything.” (OMG!)

Both of these arguments have the net effect of saying that we shouldn’t medicalize the issue of sexually compulsive behavior and therefore that we shouldn’t actually do anything about it.  See the New York Times Op-Ed for an excellent discussion.

We need to understand the deniers, not condemn them

“Deniers” have always existed in relation to almost every unwelcome phenomenon that has emerged throughout history.  Sometimes they have taken a socially acceptable position which conforms to religious or other dogma and have acted accordingly, as in burning heretics or imprisoning the mentally ill.  In other cases they have simply veered off into crazy-sounding conspiracy theories such as that the 9/11 terrorist attacks were really a government plot or that the holocaust never happened.

These are elaborate attempts to explain or deal with something that is experienced as incomprehensible or intolerable.  In this regard they are all defense mechanisms and nowhere more obviously so than in the area of sexual addiction.

Sex addiction deniers are trudging a road well traveled in earlier eras by those who wished to defend themselves against a trend or theory that they found very threatening.  This is especially true in recent history in the evolution of the disease model of mental health. It has been very gradually that the “deadly sins” have been recast as very human psychological afflictions.

Fear and loathing as a developmental phase

Because I believe sex addiction deniers are genuinely reacting to some unconscious fear, I think professionals cannot dismiss them but rather need to understand them.  If we don’t they won’t go away and will keep confusing the public and getting in the way in much the same way that global warming deniers get in the way of protecting the biosphere.

As the superstitions and fears surrounding a social ill begin to dissipate, the issue moves through a predictable sequence in public awareness from demonization to criminalization to medicalization to reintegration.  First the problem, say alcoholism, is a moral failing, then it’s a legal problem, then a medical disease, and finally a larger societal or public health issue.

Leaving aside the issue of illegal sexual behavior, this mans that society’s current approach to sexual addiction is moving beyond demonization and criminalization but has not yet reached medicalization.  This transition to full medicalization will mean the evolution of awareness. This involves dispelling fears, confronting judgmental attitudes, and persuading people to suspend those judgments.  It is up to us to patiently explain.

The Stigma of Sex Addiction Part 1: The “Non-Anonymous” Movement

Membership in Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) is currently growing at a rapid pace in the U.S. and abroad, with about a 20% increase in the number of weekly group meetings every year. SAA and other sex addiction support groups like it follow the AA model of self help support groupswhere the last names of the members are never mentioned and the members protect each other’s confidentiality.  Some people in the addiction recovery community are questioning what they see as a harmful tradition of secrecy. I see very strong arguments on either side of this issue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XTom9_3zdA

The “non-anonymous” movement

A new support network called “Addicts NOT Anonymous” was recently founded.  It challenges the idea of anonymity based, says its founder, on the notion that “We may be addicts.  We may have done some terrible things to get our drugs.  But we are NOT nameless, faceless, anonymous nobodies.” 

By shedding their anonymity the non-anonymous people argue that they gain self respect and accountability for their actions.  They seem to see the whole traditional 12-step model as a rigid, ritualistic throwback.

Other opponents of anonymity argue that “We are in the midst of a public health crisis when it comes to understanding and treating addiction.  AA’s principle of anonymity may only be contributing to general confusion and prejudice.”

Reasons in favor of sex addicts coming out of the closet

“Coming out,” whether on the part of alcoholics, drug addicts, homosexuals, rape victims or even undocumented workers, has historically had a number of beneficial effects.

  • It allows people who were formerly shunned or seen as deviant to be seen in a more human light and integrated into society.
  • Making the problems of the closeted group more public improves the prospects for research, understanding and effective treatment for those who need help.
  • For sex addicts in particular, it is certainly true that greater public awareness and acceptance of sex addiction as a disease would greatly reduce the shame of those who struggle with it, and reduced shame would support healing.
  • Being secretive about a large chunk of who we are is always unhealthy and going public would allow the sex addict to have a greater sense of integrity.

Reasons against sex addicts coming out of the closet

“Anonymous support groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous that are modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous protect the identity of their members for some obvious reasons and some less obvious reasons.

  • Sex addicts tend to isolate themselves in one way or another.  It is part of their problem that they feel vulnerable and do not want to be known. They are therefore more willing to participate anonymously.
  • Society is nowhere near ready to accept the sex addict next door in a non-judgmental spirit.  Often sex addiction is seen as being the same as sex offending, child molesting and so on.  This is antithetical to getting help and threatens the very livelihood of sex addicts, particularly if they are teachers.
  • Most doctors and the majority of psychotherapists don’t have adequate training about sex addiction and couldn’t help pave the way for treatment.
  • Part of the basis for addiction treatment is the need for the addict to connect with others and form supportive relationships.  Anonymity provides a basis of equality, a leveling of people that takes out all considerations of differential power, success, and status.  Everyone is equal because everyone’s outward ego identity is concealed.

This last point is the most important.  In 12-step groups like SAA one of the basic tenets is: “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”

In creating a support group where people are “just people” not doctors, business executives, or janitors there is a greater possibility for people to see under the surface to the common humanity and common struggle.  This makes for real connection, spiritual connection rather than just membership in an affinity group.  The real connection with another person based on who we are on the inside is ultimately what makes change possible.

 

Why Sex Addicts Seem Sociopathic

To their partners and spouses, many sex addicts will, at some point in their addiction, seem to lack a conscience.  They may lie, cheat, exploit others, think only of themselves and disregard the harm to others.  And they will often be able to do all this while keeping up a façade of social acceptability.

When you’re around a sex addict, it’s easy to see them as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde kind of person; liable to slip into a primitive and depraved state when your back is turned.  Sometimes even the addicts themselves feel that they are two people, one of whom is decidedly anti-social.

The majority of sex addicts (at least those we know about) are not “sociopaths.”  They do not qualify under the diagnostic term of “antisocial personality disorder.”  Their behavior takes on this appearance for some very understandable reasons.

What causes the addict to behave without conscience?

  1. Creeping Denial

Sex addicts try to avoid feeling shame.  They also know on some level that others would disapprove of their addictive behaviors.  In order to keep the feelings of guilt and shame at bay, sex addicts find ways to minimize, rationalize, or justify their behavior.  In so doing they build up a layer of denial.

Over time, this habit of denial can then spread to other areas of the addicts life leading to dishonesty and disregard for risks and consequences in general.

  1. Going it Alone

Along side of their public “normal” life, most sex addicts conduct their sexually addictive life such as anonymous hook-ups, online sex, prostitutes, strip clubs and so on, in secret.  In other words they lead a “double life.”  They are intimacy avoidant and can’t integrate their sex life into their normal life.  This leads to withdrawing from people generally and becoming a closed system, often seeming to lack empathy.

  1. Narcissistic Over-Entitlement

One of the defense mechanisms sex addicts use to justify their behavior is narcissistic over-entitlement.  They come to feel that they are special and that they deserve to act out sexually for one reason or another.  They are important, over-worked, stressed out, and just plain different from everyone else.

This is what sex addiction therapists call being “terminally unique.”  They come to feel that the rules for others don’t apply to them.

With treatment the sex addict can re-connect

The reason we know that most sex addicts we treat are not truly sociopathic is that most of them have the capacity to change the way they live.  With treatment and support they can learn not only to overcome their sexually compulsive behavior, but they can learn to live in honesty and integrity.  They can gain self esteem and drop the narcissistic mask of self importance.  And they can gain intimacy skills and connect with others.  They can experience true empathy.

Are some sex addicts real sociopaths? 

Some sex addicts actually do have a diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder. But because they lack the ability to genuinely connect with other human beings:

(1) They will not feel motivated to seek help, and will not respond to treatment, perhaps even ending up in prison, and

(2) They may not actually be addicts but may simply be as opportunistic and self-serving in their sex life as in life in general.

People with antisocial personality disorder have a poor prognosis in any case.  As you can imagine, it is important for the treating professional to understand what it is they are dealing with, but it may take some assessment to separate out the truly anti-social personality from the addict who has just built up an elaborate wall of defense and denial.

What about other diagnoses?

But you might ask “what about sex addicts having other diagnoses such as depression, bipolar disorder, or ADHD?”  There is reason to believe that sex addicts can have many different kinds of other psychological problems along side their addiction, although these other diagnoses don’t predictably cause sexually addictive behavior.

Addicts who have a co-occurring psychological disorder, such as a mood disorder, can and should get help with their psychological disorder and their sexual addiction for optimal treatment of both.

Discovery of Sex Addiction in a Partner: What to Do First

When you first discover sexually compulsive behavior in a partner, it may be hard to think straight.  Nevertheless, you are in a position of being a “first responder” in a crisis situation that seems to require action of some sort.

You are the “interventionist” for the moment

Very often a spouse or partner of a sex addict is alone in confronting the situation.  An alcoholic or drug addict may have half a dozen friends or family members who are fed up enough that they will band together for a professionally led group intervention to try to get the person to accept help.  Sex addiction is a less public problem and the partner who discovers the secret life of the addict might not have anyone to open up to.

But as a partner of a sex addict, you may be a crucial person in determining whether the addict gets treatment.  What you do or don’t do will have significant effects.  How and in what way should you try to have an impact?  What will you need to know to act effectively? Here are some of the major things to consider.

1.     Confront the sexual behaviors.

It is important for partners and spouses to ask the hard questions.  If you don’t take the issue seriously the sex addict may try to placate you with promises or minimize the problem.  What has the addict been doing? How often?  For how long?  It is not necessary to know all the gory details about specific behaviors.  What matters is to begin to be honest.

2.     Choices to make and choices not to make

You do not have to make a choice about whether to leave the relationship in the middle of the discovery crisis.  But assuming you might stick it out, you do have to make a decision to take the necessary next steps.  Don’t get caught up in definitions of addiction.  The label is not what matters.  What matters is taking action to get help.

3.     Expect some distorted thinking and a mix of strong emotions

The addict at first will be prone to some amount of denial and may not be thinking too clearly.  He or she may react to overwhelming guilt with strong emotions and even anger and accusations.  Don’t be derailed.

4.    You have more power than you think: use it

The partner of a sex addict has a great deal of leverage in the crisis-discovery period.  Most addicts will agree to get help if their partner insists on it, even if they don’t quite understand that they have an addiction.  It is important to know that you may have more influence than the therapist in getting the addict to make the initial commitment to treatment.

5.     Find a sex addiction specialist

Initiate contact with a sex addiction therapist and go in together for an assessment if possible.  Don’t plan on continuing in couple therapy at this point.  Sex addiction is not about issues between you as a couple.  There will be time to deal with that later.  The goal is to get the addict into the proper level of individual treatment for his or her sexually compulsive behavior.

6.     Get help for yourself

It is important that you find a sex addiction therapist who also works with partners and spouses and get individual counseling.  You will also begin to educate yourself about sex addiction and recovery.  This is a time to rely on trusted friends and family for help and support. Your addict partner cannot be your major support system and you must rely on other people as difficult as that may be.

It will only be after both partners have had the appropriate treatment and support over a period of six months to a year that they can then begin to re-evaluate and work on their relationship together.  The initial period is one in which each partner will separately work on their problems.  If you as a spouse or partner have taken a stand and helped make this happen then you will have done the best that you could do.