Do You Need God to Live a Sober and Surrendered Life?

Here are some of my own meandering thoughts and observations.  Most anonymous programsfor treating addictions such as sex addiction and drug addiction seem to begin and end with turning something over to a “higher power.”  They begin with admitting powerlessness over an addiction and end with living an enlightened life in which we accept what we cannot control.

Do you need God to get sober in the first place?

In the beginning you are urged to admit that you cannot kick your addiction on your own, that you are powerless when it comes to your addictive behavior, that you must let go of “self will” and so on.

It is pretty clear to a lot of addicts who get sober that they were not able to kick on their own.  These are the cases where the addiction was so compelling that they finally had to reach out for help.  Does this help have to involve calling on a higher power such as God?

In the beginning every journey involves a leap of faith

So the addict who decides to go to an AA meeting or a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting and ends up believing that he or she should give the program a try is actually making a leap of faith.  They may not see it that way but in fact they have decided to try to follow a set of instructions, like a 12-step program, even though they may have zero ability to imagine how it will work in their own case.

The same is true for an addict who enters a treatment center or who works with an addiction therapist.  In effect they are putting their faith either in a 12-step fellowship or in a program or clinician that is saying “trust us, we can help you.”

Is a leap of faith the same as belief in God?

All of us take leaps of faith at many points in our lives.  When we embark on a new endeavor or career path, or when we get married.  We do not know what is in store for us and we do what we do because we have some reason to believe that the path will take us where we want to go.  But we don’t really know.

So what kind of faith is involved?  Some people believe that there is a deity, someone watching over them and that whatever happens to them will be for the best.  But other people simply accept that they do not know where the road will lead and that they can live with the results whatever they are.

The willingness to take a leap of faith is often just the intuition that something is a good idea.  Sometimes this takes the form of believing in a mentor or guide such as a therapist or sponsor.  On some gut level we believe that we can trust someone or something and we go along with the program.

Is this a belief in God? Are we then making that person into a “higher power?”  Not necessarily.  I think often what we are doing is trusting our gut level sense of things.  We have no proof, but something gives us a sense of hope and we put our faith in our own judgment.

Is “intuition” the same as God?

One of my favorite quotes pulls these ideas together:

“If you can’t trust that the universe will, in its own way look after you and protect you, like the lilies of the field, it means that you have no trust in yourself…”

Learning to trust your own instincts, learning to believe that you have the gut level ability to make good choices and look after yourself is, I think, a belief in a higher power of sorts.  Sometimes this is experienced by people as being “guided” by a higher power in that it is not a product of conscious thought.

When a new way of looking at something or a creative idea “comes to you” it seems to come out of nowhere.   It often seems like you are listening to something on a whole other level.

My 20-something step-son has a T-shirt that says: “I used to be an atheist until I realized that I was God.”  What has been your experience?

Recovering Alcoholics Often Have Sex and Intimacy Issues

Sex addiction therapists as well as many in the recovery community believe that a sizable proportion of alcoholics are also sex addicts or move into sexual addiction once they are sober from alcohol.

Intimacy disability is at the heart of all addiction

Alcoholics and drug addicts who are abstinent from drug and alcohol use have most often “worked a program” in which they became aware of their own fears and insecurities.  They have probably learned how to be less self-conscious and more authentic in their every day dealings with people.  They have also been exposed to the idea that recovery means “rigorous honesty.”

However, sobriety from chemical dependency does not necessarily mean delving into the hang-ups that the addict has with regard to intimate relationships.  The recovering addict or alcoholic will have learned to trust a higher power and to accept the help and friendship of other people.  And yet they may still be incapable of being trusting and open in an intimate romantic/sexual relationship.

The alcoholic/addict may have had no experience with “healthy” intimate relationships.  Most if not all addicts have childhoods characterized by problems in their bonding with their parents or caregivers.  These may seem very obvious or more subtle, but these attachment issues produce addiction prone people who have a long-standing mistrust and avoidance of intimate bonding.

Alcoholics and addicts may have worked through their general social avoidance, self-consciousness and discomfort for which alcohol was the medication. But they may not be able to carry those skills over to the more threatening and less familiar area of dating and intimacy.  Often they are aware of the fact that in their alcoholism or drug addiction they did not have healthy relationships.  As they often put it they don’t have relationships, they “take hostages.”

Alcoholics and addicts resist looking at their intimacy issues

A lot of alcoholics/sex addicts will tell you that programs like SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) are “graduate school” compared to AA and the other chemical dependency support groups.

Sex addiction programs look a lot like drug and alcohol programs and they do have a lot in common.  But quitting drinking or drugs is often experienced as a simpler and easier process for many people than confronting sex addiction.  I have heard more than one AA member complain that when it comes to SAA: “the credits don’t transfer.”

Although recovering alcoholics are very well represented in the ranks of recovering sex addicts, there remain a very large number of recovering alcoholics who resist or pooh-pooh the idea of sex addiction recovery.

People recovering from chemical dependency use the same denial mechanisms about sex addiction that they used about drugs or alcohol prior to getting into recovery from chemical dependency.  These denial mechanisms have just changed their content but not their basic form.  They include things like minimizing, rationalizing, intellectualizing, and compartmentalizing.

The role of ego

In all of the above mentioned denial mechanisms, there is an element of ego that has crept back into the alcoholic or addicts thinking.  They can’t imagine what it is to feel safe and contented in an intimate relationship and instead they satisfy themselves with various behaviors such as one night stands, serial seductions, high drama relationships that do not last, or avoidance of intimate relating altogether and so on.

What the recovering addict in denial has failed to see is that other people can and do change and that their sexually addictive tendencies are out of their control.  They have forgotten that step one in 12-step work is admitting powerlessness and admitting that you need help.  The ego has crept in the form of “self-will” about sexuality and relationships.  The addict has forgotten about reaching out and having faith.

Sex Addiction Deniers: What Makes Them So Mad?

The mere idea of “sex addiction” gets a lot of people angry.  I’m talking here about the writers who rail about the “myth” of sexual addiction and who argue that the whole idea of sex addiction is just a cop-out for the addict and a money making scam for the professionals.

The anatomy of a sex addiction denier

I prefer to see these “deniers,” as I call them, as a part of a larger societal pattern and one that is worthy of study in its own right.

Currently the opposition to the concept of sex addiction comes in two main flavors.

1.  Sex addiction is really just normal behavior.

These men and women have a defensive reaction to the whole field of sex addiction treatment as an attempt to restrain normal sexual freedoms.  Sometimes their blogs and online commentary seem to be jokingly, (nervously?) defending behavior around which they have some unacknowledged shame.  The message is “we all do it and you just think it is ‘sick’ because you are so uptight!”  This is an uninformed bias that seems to resist logic.

2.  Sex addiction is really just irresponsible behavior.

This argument comes from all quarters including some in the scientific community.  It minimizes the seriousness of the problem and the suffering it can cause, and the message is often “you so-called addicts are just behaving badly and you need to take responsibility and shape up!”

This second argument sometimes takes the form that “if sex can be an addiction then anything can,” or “if we let people off by calling it a disease then there’s a slippery slope which will lead to nobody ever taking any responsibility for anything.” (OMG!)

Both of these arguments have the net effect of saying that we shouldn’t medicalize the issue of sexually compulsive behavior and therefore that we shouldn’t actually do anything about it.  See the New York Times Op-Ed for an excellent discussion.

We need to understand the deniers, not condemn them

“Deniers” have always existed in relation to almost every unwelcome phenomenon that has emerged throughout history.  Sometimes they have taken a socially acceptable position which conforms to religious or other dogma and have acted accordingly, as in burning heretics or imprisoning the mentally ill.  In other cases they have simply veered off into crazy-sounding conspiracy theories such as that the 9/11 terrorist attacks were really a government plot or that the holocaust never happened.

These are elaborate attempts to explain or deal with something that is experienced as incomprehensible or intolerable.  In this regard they are all defense mechanisms and nowhere more obviously so than in the area of sexual addiction.

Sex addiction deniers are trudging a road well traveled in earlier eras by those who wished to defend themselves against a trend or theory that they found very threatening.  This is especially true in recent history in the evolution of the disease model of mental health. It has been very gradually that the “deadly sins” have been recast as very human psychological afflictions.

Fear and loathing as a developmental phase

Because I believe sex addiction deniers are genuinely reacting to some unconscious fear, I think professionals cannot dismiss them but rather need to understand them.  If we don’t they won’t go away and will keep confusing the public and getting in the way in much the same way that global warming deniers get in the way of protecting the biosphere.

As the superstitions and fears surrounding a social ill begin to dissipate, the issue moves through a predictable sequence in public awareness from demonization to criminalization to medicalization to reintegration.  First the problem, say alcoholism, is a moral failing, then it’s a legal problem, then a medical disease, and finally a larger societal or public health issue.

Leaving aside the issue of illegal sexual behavior, this mans that society’s current approach to sexual addiction is moving beyond demonization and criminalization but has not yet reached medicalization.  This transition to full medicalization will mean the evolution of awareness. This involves dispelling fears, confronting judgmental attitudes, and persuading people to suspend those judgments.  It is up to us to patiently explain.

The Stigma of Sex Addiction Part 2: What to Tell Others About Your Addiction

“I am a recovering sex addict” is something you may or may not feel comfortable saying to people.  On one hand, you may feel guarded about telling people anything, partly because you know that sexually compulsive behavior carries so much stigma and shame.  On the other hand, you may decide you want to be open about your recovery. This openness may be received in a variety of ways, and you may find that people’s response is unpredictable; some may feel sex addiction is a joke, while others may react with extreme fear.

I had a client who came from Ohio for an intensive workshop in California. He was worried about what to tell others regarding his addiction. I naively suggested he could tell his colleagues that he’d been to “rehab.”  After all, I said, “everybody goes to rehab nowadays.”  His answer: “Not in Toledo they don’t.”  Attitudes vary, but in general it’s still the case that talking about alcoholism is a piece of cake compared to the embarrassment and anxiety surrounding sex addiction.

Everyone’s situation is different but I’d like to offer some basic ideas about who should know what and when they should know it.

Telling immediate family

If you have a spouse or partner they will have to know at least the basic truths, preferably in a planned disclosure with therapist(s) structuring and supporting the process.  Sometimes spouses uncover the addiction on their own, but blurting stuff out is never a good idea.

Apart from the initial disclosure process, spouses and partners need to know whatever they want to know as soon as possible in order to rebuild trust.  However, if you’re seriously considering divorce, then formal disclosure is often discouraged.

Anybody close to you who is directly impacted will probably have to be told sooner or later.  Young children will  wonder what’s going on and need to be given the general answers (“Daddy’s had some problems and needs to get help to learn to be better, not hurt mommy’s feelings,” etc.)  Older adolescents and adult children can be given more information, but it may not be appropriate to give all the details.

What to tell friends and associates

The hard part is deciding what to tell friends and other family members.  Resist the temptation to confess until you’ve thought about the situation and the consequences to both yourself and the other persons.  Here are some dos and don’ts.

Don’t

  • Don’t tell acquaintances, neighbors etc.  You cannot assume that people will be able to understand sex addiction, and if they can’t understand it, they will be unable to contain it.
  • Don’t tell anyone you don’t feel safe with emotionally.  This may change over time but it means feeling that the person will still respect you and care about you; that they will not judge you or shun you.
  • Don’t tell anyone if it could endanger your livelihood.  This often includes people you work with.
  • Don’t tell people who aren’t ready, meaning even extended family if it is outside their universe and if they can’t assimilate this information.  This is a personal judgment call on your part.

Do

  • Do tell your doctor as it may be relevant (and might help him or her learn more about the issue).
  • Do tell trusted friends and relatives including recovery friends from other 12-step programs.  This helps fight the stigma that exists even in programs like AA.
  • Do tell anyone whom you could’ve exposed to a sexually transmitted disease or any other disease.
  • Do tell people to whom you are making verbal (9th step) amends.  This can be in a general form such as, “I had a problem with sexual behavior and I’ve been working on it” etc. Your sponsor will help you with this.
  • Do tell adult children and other close family members about your journey when it will help them understand their family and make sense out of their own experience.  Seeing you grow and change is extremely powerful in helping adult children grow.

This process is never neat, and never goes perfectly according to plan.  Anyone who’s ever been through it will have their own amazing stories to share.

Fake Romance: Understanding a Seduction Addict’s Playbook

“What just happened?”

That can be the feeling you get when you’ve encountered a seduction addict. These are the “nice guys” of sex addiction.  But anyone who has ever dated a compulsive seducer can tell you that they are as intimacy disabled as any other sex addict, maybe more so.  They tend to leave a nasty trail of non-relationships behind them and their future looks pretty much like their past.

We’ll look at what to expect in a typical scenario of a person dating a seduction addict, but first let’s look at the essential features of this kind of sex addict.

Characteristics of seduction sex addicts

  • They are addicted to the rush of falling in love, not the sexual act.
  • They are obsessed with being desired sexually and making a romantic connection.
  • They begin to lose sexual desire for a person immediately after the initial conquest.
  • They are not interested in having a real relationship.
  • They cannot sustain interest beyond the initial romance.
  • They are deeply cynical about lasting relationships because they fear them and don’t understand them.
  • They often carry on multiple flirtations to insure a supply for the future.

The stages in a seduction addict’s romantic scenario

(The seduction addict can be male or female.  I am using “he” for convenience only.)

  1. Predatory Flirting.  He  uses any encounter to start a flirtation.  He finds extremely subtle ways to be romantically suggestive.  For example, he might say “Maybe it’s not an accident that we ran into each other.”  Sometimes he will take a strong interest in you, or he may be very protective.  But he keeps it vague and indirect so he always has an “out.”
  2. Romantic Connection.  Assuming you actually connect, there is the initial romance.  Everything is exciting and special.  This beginning stage in an attachment is called “limerence” and it is an altered state.  One seduction addict admitted to me that the high point of a relationship for him was the first kiss.  However, at no point can you expect the addict to take the lead. Instead of making a definite plan for a date he may call or email on some flimsy pretext in order to get you to take the initiative.  Above all he wants to know he is desired.  He will want to feel that you initiated sex.
  3. The Affair of the Century.  The two of you are perfect together.  You are likely to be swept away and to not notice that you don’t know anything about what this guy really wants for the future.  That’s because the future doesn’t exist.  If you ask what his intentions are you will get only vague hints. You never really get past his “story,” that prefab profile of himself that he uses to win people over.  He will resist appearing socially as a couple. Real life would spoil his addictive “high.”
  4. The Exit.  The final phase is one in which the seducer’s “high” wears off. He begins to feel trapped. Often he will hide his waning interest by “doing things” for you; anything from walking your dog to painting your kitchen.  This is partly to avoid a real relationship and partly out of guilt, as he knows he’s getting ready to leave.  He has already begun noticing new targets for seduction.  He will then exit, perhaps explaining that he has neglected his work, or that he’s not ready to make a commitment.

Compulsive seduction is the same as any other sex addiction

In the end, the seduction addict is the same as any other sex addict.  Voyeurs, exhibitionists, pornography addicts; whatever the behavior the addiction is the same.  The addict uses the behavior to avoid intimacy and kill the pain of low self-worth.

Not realizing he needs help, the seduction addict may think he wants a lasting relationship but he will not realize that the problem is him.  He may go on for a very long time without hitting bottom.

Sexual Secrets Make You Physically Sick

“You are only as sick as your secrets” is a common saying among recovering sex addicts and other kinds of addicts as well.  What this implies is that you are keeping something about yourself a secret, like your sexual acting out behavior, because on some level you feel shame and guilt about it.

You believe that what you are doing is reprehensible and that you are unworthy.

In other words, it is accepted that your secrets are a symptom of your psychological sickness, your low self concept.  The more secrets, the more sickness. The implication is that once you quit keeping things secret from others, you will become healthier.

Turns out there is a scientific basis to this idea.

The topic of secrets and brain chemistry was recently discussed on NPR’s Fresh Air via an interview with neuroscientist Dr. David Eagleman.

The battle in the brain

“You have competing populations in the brain — one part that wants to tell something and one part that doesn’t,” he (Eagleman) tells Fresh Air‘s Terry Gross. “And the issue is that we’re always cussing at ourselves or getting angry at ourselves or cajoling ourselves. … What we’re seeing here is that there are different parts of the brain that are battling it out.  And the way that that battle tips, determines your behavior.”

So keeping sexual behavior secret, especially behavior that is as all consuming as that of many sex addicts, means continual struggle with yourself.  The internal dissonance and lack of a sense of personal integrity is draining.

Dr. Eagleman is arguing that this is a real physiological battle going on in the different parts of the brain.

The hormonal consequences of secrets

The struggle involved in keeping a secret is stressful.  This means that your brain will register the fact that there are increased levels of stress hormones going through your bloodstream as a result of this struggle.  Your brain does not enjoy this stress, as Dr. Eagelman points out, and there is pressure from one part of your brain to get rid of it by telling the secret.

Sex addicts live with the stress of keeping a whole section of their life secret from people they see every day and care about.  The fact that their brains are marinated in stress hormones due to keeping secrets (over and above the effects of the compulsive behavior) can cause an impairment in the addict’s ability to stay healthy and function well.

The health benefits of opening up about secrets

Research by James W. Pennebaker at the University of Texas Austin has been using blood tests and EEG’s to measure the results of letting go of secrets.  He has found that whether secrets were confessed to another person out loud or were merely written down privately and destroyed later, there were “tangible health benefits, both physical and mental.”  The research found not only improved relationships, but better sleep and improved immune systems.

The warning label

When is letting go of your secrets harmful?  When you do not consider the effects on another person.  There are a myriad of ways that a sex addict can confess his or her addiction to a partner that are damaging and hurtful to them.  In sex addiction treatment a great deal of care is taken around the issue of disclosure. The disclosure of sex addiction to a loved one should be done with planning and professional help.  There is a “Partner’s Disclosure Worksheet” which the partner may be asked to fill out.  The general idea is that sex addicts should not disclose to a partner something that the partner does not want to know.

Disclosure in general has many aspects which warrant fuller discussion, including what to disclose to children and other family members and what to tell other people you know or work with.  If at all possible, these are matters to discuss fully with a sex addiction specialist before you bare your soul.

The Stigma of Sex Addiction Part 1: The “Non-Anonymous” Movement

Membership in Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) is currently growing at a rapid pace in the U.S. and abroad, with about a 20% increase in the number of weekly group meetings every year. SAA and other sex addiction support groups like it follow the AA model of self help support groupswhere the last names of the members are never mentioned and the members protect each other’s confidentiality.  Some people in the addiction recovery community are questioning what they see as a harmful tradition of secrecy. I see very strong arguments on either side of this issue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XTom9_3zdA

The “non-anonymous” movement

A new support network called “Addicts NOT Anonymous” was recently founded.  It challenges the idea of anonymity based, says its founder, on the notion that “We may be addicts.  We may have done some terrible things to get our drugs.  But we are NOT nameless, faceless, anonymous nobodies.” 

By shedding their anonymity the non-anonymous people argue that they gain self respect and accountability for their actions.  They seem to see the whole traditional 12-step model as a rigid, ritualistic throwback.

Other opponents of anonymity argue that “We are in the midst of a public health crisis when it comes to understanding and treating addiction.  AA’s principle of anonymity may only be contributing to general confusion and prejudice.”

Reasons in favor of sex addicts coming out of the closet

“Coming out,” whether on the part of alcoholics, drug addicts, homosexuals, rape victims or even undocumented workers, has historically had a number of beneficial effects.

  • It allows people who were formerly shunned or seen as deviant to be seen in a more human light and integrated into society.
  • Making the problems of the closeted group more public improves the prospects for research, understanding and effective treatment for those who need help.
  • For sex addicts in particular, it is certainly true that greater public awareness and acceptance of sex addiction as a disease would greatly reduce the shame of those who struggle with it, and reduced shame would support healing.
  • Being secretive about a large chunk of who we are is always unhealthy and going public would allow the sex addict to have a greater sense of integrity.

Reasons against sex addicts coming out of the closet

“Anonymous support groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous that are modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous protect the identity of their members for some obvious reasons and some less obvious reasons.

  • Sex addicts tend to isolate themselves in one way or another.  It is part of their problem that they feel vulnerable and do not want to be known. They are therefore more willing to participate anonymously.
  • Society is nowhere near ready to accept the sex addict next door in a non-judgmental spirit.  Often sex addiction is seen as being the same as sex offending, child molesting and so on.  This is antithetical to getting help and threatens the very livelihood of sex addicts, particularly if they are teachers.
  • Most doctors and the majority of psychotherapists don’t have adequate training about sex addiction and couldn’t help pave the way for treatment.
  • Part of the basis for addiction treatment is the need for the addict to connect with others and form supportive relationships.  Anonymity provides a basis of equality, a leveling of people that takes out all considerations of differential power, success, and status.  Everyone is equal because everyone’s outward ego identity is concealed.

This last point is the most important.  In 12-step groups like SAA one of the basic tenets is: “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”

In creating a support group where people are “just people” not doctors, business executives, or janitors there is a greater possibility for people to see under the surface to the common humanity and common struggle.  This makes for real connection, spiritual connection rather than just membership in an affinity group.  The real connection with another person based on who we are on the inside is ultimately what makes change possible.

 

Six Things That Help Marriages Survive Sex Addiction

Couples can get through the crisis of sex addiction and recovery and they very often do so, more often in fact than you would think given how traumatic the disclosure of sex addiction is to a relationship.

Part of the reason that couples can get through the upheaval of sex addiction and recovery I think is that the addiction is really not a problem that is a product of the relationship or marriage.  Sex addiction has roots that go way back into childhood attachment issues and involve patterns of coping behavior that existed well before the marriage.

The following are six basic things that couples need to know and do in order to have the best chance of having a good relationship in the future.

  1. Do the work.  Most sex addicts find it impossible to quit on their own.  I have seen couples go for years without confronting the problem and their relationship just continues to deteriorate.  Partners are often the ones who have to provide the motivation for the addict to seek treatment.  Many addicts will only get help after their partner lowers the boom.  Partners must also be in therapy.  Partners are not the cause of the problem but they need a great deal of help and support if the couple is going to make it.
  1. Get some separation from each other in the beginning of treatment.  Many couples make the mistake of trying to confront sex addiction as a couple.  Sex addiction is not that kind of problem.  Couples may have many problems as a couple in terms of openness, communication, and so on, but they can only deal with those after the sex addiction has been treated for a while.  It is actually a good idea to live separately for a while without making a decision about divorce.
  1. Abstain from sex for 6 months.  Abstaining from all sex will likely be a part of the sex addict’s program in the beginning of treatment.  (The reasons for this are described in my Pushing the Pause Button blog.)  This period of abstaining includes abstaining from sex with spouses and partners of the addict.  This may be difficult or easy, or it may seem counter-intuitive but it is part of the process.
  1. Get “pre-marital” counseling later on.  Each person gets help with their own therapist and their own 12-step support group prior to coming together to work on “the relationship.”  In other words, both people are going to undergo a lot of changes in the course of getting healthier through treatment.  In some ways each partner will not be the same person they were before.  It remains to be seen whether these two “new” people want to be together or not.
  1. Be more honest than you ever thought of being.  A healthy intimate relationship demands a level of honesty, commitment and a willingness to share all parts of yourself with your partner.  It also involves letting go of competitiveness and truly being there for your spouse or partner, not only in terms of what they ask of you but in your ability to respond to and support who they are.
  1. Be prepared to continue to work on your relationship.  It is easy to backslide and become complacent.  Old patterns and ways of behaving can creep back in (also see my blog on how sex addiction can resurface in subtle ways.)  Some couples go to couple retreats periodically or go to couple intensive workshops to give themselves a booster shot.  And be supportive of each other’s continued work in individual recovery.

Sex addiction recovery takes a long time; three to five years for substantial recovery to be achieved.  Couples who decide to stick it out together need to take a very long view.  Both addicts and partners tend to panic in the early phase of discovery and often overreact one way or the other.  But keeping a level head and reminding yourselves that it is a long process and that you can get through it will be an invaluable tool.

Why Sex Addicts Seem Sociopathic

To their partners and spouses, many sex addicts will, at some point in their addiction, seem to lack a conscience.  They may lie, cheat, exploit others, think only of themselves and disregard the harm to others.  And they will often be able to do all this while keeping up a façade of social acceptability.

When you’re around a sex addict, it’s easy to see them as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde kind of person; liable to slip into a primitive and depraved state when your back is turned.  Sometimes even the addicts themselves feel that they are two people, one of whom is decidedly anti-social.

The majority of sex addicts (at least those we know about) are not “sociopaths.”  They do not qualify under the diagnostic term of “antisocial personality disorder.”  Their behavior takes on this appearance for some very understandable reasons.

What causes the addict to behave without conscience?

  1. Creeping Denial

Sex addicts try to avoid feeling shame.  They also know on some level that others would disapprove of their addictive behaviors.  In order to keep the feelings of guilt and shame at bay, sex addicts find ways to minimize, rationalize, or justify their behavior.  In so doing they build up a layer of denial.

Over time, this habit of denial can then spread to other areas of the addicts life leading to dishonesty and disregard for risks and consequences in general.

  1. Going it Alone

Along side of their public “normal” life, most sex addicts conduct their sexually addictive life such as anonymous hook-ups, online sex, prostitutes, strip clubs and so on, in secret.  In other words they lead a “double life.”  They are intimacy avoidant and can’t integrate their sex life into their normal life.  This leads to withdrawing from people generally and becoming a closed system, often seeming to lack empathy.

  1. Narcissistic Over-Entitlement

One of the defense mechanisms sex addicts use to justify their behavior is narcissistic over-entitlement.  They come to feel that they are special and that they deserve to act out sexually for one reason or another.  They are important, over-worked, stressed out, and just plain different from everyone else.

This is what sex addiction therapists call being “terminally unique.”  They come to feel that the rules for others don’t apply to them.

With treatment the sex addict can re-connect

The reason we know that most sex addicts we treat are not truly sociopathic is that most of them have the capacity to change the way they live.  With treatment and support they can learn not only to overcome their sexually compulsive behavior, but they can learn to live in honesty and integrity.  They can gain self esteem and drop the narcissistic mask of self importance.  And they can gain intimacy skills and connect with others.  They can experience true empathy.

Are some sex addicts real sociopaths? 

Some sex addicts actually do have a diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder. But because they lack the ability to genuinely connect with other human beings:

(1) They will not feel motivated to seek help, and will not respond to treatment, perhaps even ending up in prison, and

(2) They may not actually be addicts but may simply be as opportunistic and self-serving in their sex life as in life in general.

People with antisocial personality disorder have a poor prognosis in any case.  As you can imagine, it is important for the treating professional to understand what it is they are dealing with, but it may take some assessment to separate out the truly anti-social personality from the addict who has just built up an elaborate wall of defense and denial.

What about other diagnoses?

But you might ask “what about sex addicts having other diagnoses such as depression, bipolar disorder, or ADHD?”  There is reason to believe that sex addicts can have many different kinds of other psychological problems along side their addiction, although these other diagnoses don’t predictably cause sexually addictive behavior.

Addicts who have a co-occurring psychological disorder, such as a mood disorder, can and should get help with their psychological disorder and their sexual addiction for optimal treatment of both.