Treatment for Partners of Sex Addicts: The Fallout and the Recovery

When a partner discovers they are in a relationship with a sex addict they are to a greater or lesser degree in a kind of post traumatic state of shock.  This means that they may not be able to sort out what they are feeling very well.

Often the first reflex is to be angry and want to reject the addict.  But I have found that the partner or spouse will usually realize that the addict has a serious problem and begin to do the leg work of finding the right kind of help.

Sometimes the partner will be interested in participating in the addict’s recovery and sometimes not.  Often the partner will be on the fence about whether they will be able to stay in the relationship.  There are many different kinds of responses to this crisis and many different ways of coping.

Some common reactions

Some spouses and partners focus too much on the addict.  They go into an emergency mode in which they concentrate their energy on the addict’s need for help that they neglect their own needs.  The feeling is to get this problem solved as fast as possible and get back to “normal.”  But the treatment for sex addiction will of necessity change the people involved in some profound ways and will therefore mean that the relationship will not go back to exactly the way it was.

Getting help for a sex addict partner is not like helping a partner get through knee surgery.  It involves the addict getting help with problems relating to intimacy.   A relationship that was one of dishonesty and compartmentalization becomes one of openness and trust.  This big picture is usually hard for either partner to discern at the outset.

Some partners feel an urge to explain away the addict’s problem.  They feel very invested in what they may think was a great relationship and don’t quite know how to adjust to the idea that there is a major problem.  One way to attempt to get clarity  is to blame themselves or other circumstances, such as a separation, a pregnancy and so on.  “If such-and-such hadn’t happened then my partner wouldn’t have felt X or Y or Z and he wouldn’t have needed to engage in sexually addictive behavior.”

But the addict does have a problem and the fact that a life stressor caused it to escalate does not mean that it is not there.

Sometimes partners are so angry at their spouse or partner that even though they do not immediately decide to leave the relationship they try to completely shut out the problem.  They say in effect: “I’m fine, you’re messed up and you need to go get fixed.”  Meanwhile, their thinking goes, I will just get on with my life, and if you get better then we’ll be a couple again.

This is also a natural response but the fact is that although the addict’s recovery is not the partner’s responsibility, the partner does have to face up to what has happened to the relationship and to the impact that it has had on them.  Eventually partners of sex addicts need to be able to recognize that the kind of betrayal they have experienced is not a small matter and that it is OK to be vulnerable to being hurt and OK to get support.  We are human and we need to be able to trust those we love.  And because we are human our loved ones can hurt us. This means we deserve help too.

What kind of help do partners and spouses need

The kind of support that partners need and want varies enormously.  I have seen spouses so devastated by sexual betrayal that they wanted and needed a residential treatment program of their own.  Other partners find it useful to get therapy with a sex addiction counselor for themselves.  They need to better understand the nature of sex addiction and the fact that they didn’t cause it and they can’t cure it.  They may need to learn to set boundaries, communicate their feelings more clearly and sort out, bottom line, what they are willing to accept and what they are not.

Most spouses and partners benefit from the support of other spouses and partners of sex addicts who are dealing with the same experiences.  This can take the form of group therapy, 12-step programs for partners of sex addicts or co-dependents generally, on online resources for educational information and websites by and for partners of sex addicts.

It is surprising how many couples survive sex addiction and go on to thrive.  The research has indicated that the participation of the spouse or partner in the process of recovery at an appropriate time is key to this success.  Both the addict and the partner need to get the right kind of help and then they need to work together to rebuild their relationship.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Do You Have Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship? Take the Quiz

Boundaries are a necessary part of any intimate relationship and of relationships in general.  They are guiding principles that I have which determine how I behave; what I will do and refrain from doing.  As such they are part of the definition of “me.”  For example setting a boundary that says “I will tell my partner if I have engaged in my addictive sexual behavior or if I have come close to it” defines me as “honest about my sexual behavior.”

Without boundaries I have no solid sense of myself. 

Without a solid foundation to who I am I cannot hope to weather strong emotional upheavals or protect myself from destructive situations.  In this case “me” becomes very vulnerable to what people say and do to me, to the momentary problems that crop up and therefore I cannot regulate my emotions.  I am likely to respond reflexively, unconsciously or on the basis of old “scripts” from my past.  I am a slave to my irrational thoughts and feelings.

Boundaries help keep me emotionally regulated

If I am emotionally dysregulated (meaning that I respond with excessively strong emotions and that I take too long to get back to baseline) then I have diminished self-efficacy.  I will be less effective at getting my needs met in a relationship or in life in general.  I will be vulnerable to the urge to grab hold of anything that offers some way to get back into emotional equilibrium, i.e. my drug of choice.

Boundaries in relationships: the quiz

The lack of boundaries can wreak havoc on relationships.  Boundaries are essential to the ability of the partners to meet their own needs and relate to each other in a calm, open and rational way.  Without boundaries I may become overly combative or overly compliant with my partner. I may allow myself to feel controlled and victimized.  Or I may try to control the other person or “fix” them.

The following will help you look at your own boundaries or lack of them. Granted these items are somewhat arbitrary and there are a lot of different ways to describe the same processes.  See for example David Richo’s Maintaining Personal Boundaries in Relationships (The California Therapist July/August 1990.)  Look at the statements below and check those that apply to you.

  1. I often excuse or try to ignore behavior that is really unacceptable
  2. I go along with what my partner wants to keep the peace
  3. I get obsessed with what my partner is doing wrong
  4. I try to find roundabout ways of getting my partner to change
  5. I feel guilty about claiming my right to privacy and alone time
  6. I do favors I don’t want to do just because I am asked
  7. I don’t know how to avoid drama and blow-ups
  8. I stay in relationships that are probably hopeless
  9. I am afraid of disagreeing or doing something my partner won’t like
  10. My self esteem goes up or down depending on my partner
  11. I try to be perfect and not show vulnerability
  12. I have to feel “needed” in order to be in a relationship

Building better boundaries

If you check any of these statements you may need to think about the need to look at your lack of boundaries and work with someone on building better, healthier boundaries.

Having good boundaries is learned in childhood or is not learned properly.  The process of getting better at setting and keeping healthy boundaries involves looking at your early experiences that may have made us feel unwilling or unable to stick up for ourselves.  For example you may have had a family situation that discouraged or punished you for asking for what you needed or expressing your feelings.  You may have had experiences that left you with abandonment fear and insecurity about whether you can put your needs first.

Why Sex Addiction is an “Intimacy Disorder”

What is an Intimacy Disorder?

Intimacy is the ability to be real with another person.  In its essence, intimacy is the connection between two people who are equals and are genuine and open about what they are feeling in the moment.  In other words the capacity to be intimate involves the ability to take the risk of being known for who you really are.  It is necessarily a willingness to take the risk of getting hurt or rejected.

Addiction and intimacy

Addicts of all kinds, including sex addicts have difficulty being real in their relating to people including a significant other.  They typically have early experiences in their family of origin that failed to produce a secure attachment to their caregivers.  These may take the form of neglect, abuse, abandonment or the absence of an appropriately nurturing caregiver.  Addictions are an adaptation or coping mechanism usually beginning early in life as a way to handle stress and regulate emotion.

Addictive behaviors are a way to adapt that does not depend on another person for comfort or support.  If other people are involved in the addictive behavior, it is because they facilitate or support the addict using a drug or behavior with which to distract, stimulate or soothe themselves.

Addiction is intimacy avoidance

Because of their early life experiences, addicts are afraid of intimacy.  Depending on their early experiences with their caregivers addicts will predictably approach the prospect of being intimate with:

Fear of abandonment

The addict tends to do and say what the other person wants rather than what they really think and feel

Fear of rejection

The addict feels that rejection will be devastating and will reinforce an already insecure self-concept

Fear of engulfment

The addict fears losing their separate identity and becoming totally absorbed into another person

Fear of conflict

The addict fears the other person’s anger and the sense that they cannot stick up for themselves or set boundaries

Addicts prefer to avoid getting close beyond a certain point.  Patrick Carnes states that intimacy is the point in a relationship when there is a deeper attachment and that this requires “profound vulnerability.”  He calls this “the ‘being known fully and staying anyway’ part of relationships.”

Addicts view intimacy as potentially painful.

Addicts often view intimacy as an inherently painful experience.  This may be all they know from experience and all they have ever observed growing up. Many addicts would much prefer physical pain to the emotional pain they might experience in an intimate relationship.  Often they learned early to be careful and self conscious around people.  Addicts will often avoid even close friendships or social situations because they anticipate having to play a role.  And playing a role is much more strenuous than being yourself.

Intimacy requires strength

The strength required for intimacy is a strong sense of self and self worth.  I prefer to use the concept of “self-efficacy” over that of “self-esteem.”  Being intimacy “abled” is not so much having a positive view of yourself as it is having a sense that you should and can act in effective ways to protect yourself and enhance your own life.

This is the strength that neutralizes all the fears that make the addict run from intimacy.  It is not a question of being tough; on the contrary, it is knowing that you may get hurt but that you will not get devastated.

Gaining these skills involves a combination of not only addiction treatment and therapy but assertion training, which involves de-conditioning what is essentially a phobic reaction to being emotionally honest and practice with basic relationship and communication skills.

Learning to be stronger is what allows us to be vulnerable in relationships.  And this vulnerability is a sign of strength.

Recovering Alcoholics Often Have Sex and Intimacy Issues

Sex addiction therapists as well as many in the recovery community believe that a sizable proportion of alcoholics are also sex addicts or move into sexual addiction once they are sober from alcohol.

Intimacy disability is at the heart of all addiction

Alcoholics and drug addicts who are abstinent from drug and alcohol use have most often “worked a program” in which they became aware of their own fears and insecurities.  They have probably learned how to be less self-conscious and more authentic in their every day dealings with people.  They have also been exposed to the idea that recovery means “rigorous honesty.”

However, sobriety from chemical dependency does not necessarily mean delving into the hang-ups that the addict has with regard to intimate relationships.  The recovering addict or alcoholic will have learned to trust a higher power and to accept the help and friendship of other people.  And yet they may still be incapable of being trusting and open in an intimate romantic/sexual relationship.

The alcoholic/addict may have had no experience with “healthy” intimate relationships.  Most if not all addicts have childhoods characterized by problems in their bonding with their parents or caregivers.  These may seem very obvious or more subtle, but these attachment issues produce addiction prone people who have a long-standing mistrust and avoidance of intimate bonding.

Alcoholics and addicts may have worked through their general social avoidance, self-consciousness and discomfort for which alcohol was the medication. But they may not be able to carry those skills over to the more threatening and less familiar area of dating and intimacy.  Often they are aware of the fact that in their alcoholism or drug addiction they did not have healthy relationships.  As they often put it they don’t have relationships, they “take hostages.”

Alcoholics and addicts resist looking at their intimacy issues

A lot of alcoholics/sex addicts will tell you that programs like SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) are “graduate school” compared to AA and the other chemical dependency support groups.

Sex addiction programs look a lot like drug and alcohol programs and they do have a lot in common.  But quitting drinking or drugs is often experienced as a simpler and easier process for many people than confronting sex addiction.  I have heard more than one AA member complain that when it comes to SAA: “the credits don’t transfer.”

Although recovering alcoholics are very well represented in the ranks of recovering sex addicts, there remain a very large number of recovering alcoholics who resist or pooh-pooh the idea of sex addiction recovery.

People recovering from chemical dependency use the same denial mechanisms about sex addiction that they used about drugs or alcohol prior to getting into recovery from chemical dependency.  These denial mechanisms have just changed their content but not their basic form.  They include things like minimizing, rationalizing, intellectualizing, and compartmentalizing.

The role of ego

In all of the above mentioned denial mechanisms, there is an element of ego that has crept back into the alcoholic or addicts thinking.  They can’t imagine what it is to feel safe and contented in an intimate relationship and instead they satisfy themselves with various behaviors such as one night stands, serial seductions, high drama relationships that do not last, or avoidance of intimate relating altogether and so on.

What the recovering addict in denial has failed to see is that other people can and do change and that their sexually addictive tendencies are out of their control.  They have forgotten that step one in 12-step work is admitting powerlessness and admitting that you need help.  The ego has crept in the form of “self-will” about sexuality and relationships.  The addict has forgotten about reaching out and having faith.

Fake Romance: Understanding a Seduction Addict’s Playbook

“What just happened?”

That can be the feeling you get when you’ve encountered a seduction addict. These are the “nice guys” of sex addiction.  But anyone who has ever dated a compulsive seducer can tell you that they are as intimacy disabled as any other sex addict, maybe more so.  They tend to leave a nasty trail of non-relationships behind them and their future looks pretty much like their past.

We’ll look at what to expect in a typical scenario of a person dating a seduction addict, but first let’s look at the essential features of this kind of sex addict.

Characteristics of seduction sex addicts

  • They are addicted to the rush of falling in love, not the sexual act.
  • They are obsessed with being desired sexually and making a romantic connection.
  • They begin to lose sexual desire for a person immediately after the initial conquest.
  • They are not interested in having a real relationship.
  • They cannot sustain interest beyond the initial romance.
  • They are deeply cynical about lasting relationships because they fear them and don’t understand them.
  • They often carry on multiple flirtations to insure a supply for the future.

The stages in a seduction addict’s romantic scenario

(The seduction addict can be male or female.  I am using “he” for convenience only.)

  1. Predatory Flirting.  He  uses any encounter to start a flirtation.  He finds extremely subtle ways to be romantically suggestive.  For example, he might say “Maybe it’s not an accident that we ran into each other.”  Sometimes he will take a strong interest in you, or he may be very protective.  But he keeps it vague and indirect so he always has an “out.”
  2. Romantic Connection.  Assuming you actually connect, there is the initial romance.  Everything is exciting and special.  This beginning stage in an attachment is called “limerence” and it is an altered state.  One seduction addict admitted to me that the high point of a relationship for him was the first kiss.  However, at no point can you expect the addict to take the lead. Instead of making a definite plan for a date he may call or email on some flimsy pretext in order to get you to take the initiative.  Above all he wants to know he is desired.  He will want to feel that you initiated sex.
  3. The Affair of the Century.  The two of you are perfect together.  You are likely to be swept away and to not notice that you don’t know anything about what this guy really wants for the future.  That’s because the future doesn’t exist.  If you ask what his intentions are you will get only vague hints. You never really get past his “story,” that prefab profile of himself that he uses to win people over.  He will resist appearing socially as a couple. Real life would spoil his addictive “high.”
  4. The Exit.  The final phase is one in which the seducer’s “high” wears off. He begins to feel trapped. Often he will hide his waning interest by “doing things” for you; anything from walking your dog to painting your kitchen.  This is partly to avoid a real relationship and partly out of guilt, as he knows he’s getting ready to leave.  He has already begun noticing new targets for seduction.  He will then exit, perhaps explaining that he has neglected his work, or that he’s not ready to make a commitment.

Compulsive seduction is the same as any other sex addiction

In the end, the seduction addict is the same as any other sex addict.  Voyeurs, exhibitionists, pornography addicts; whatever the behavior the addiction is the same.  The addict uses the behavior to avoid intimacy and kill the pain of low self-worth.

Not realizing he needs help, the seduction addict may think he wants a lasting relationship but he will not realize that the problem is him.  He may go on for a very long time without hitting bottom.

Sexual Secrets Make You Physically Sick

“You are only as sick as your secrets” is a common saying among recovering sex addicts and other kinds of addicts as well.  What this implies is that you are keeping something about yourself a secret, like your sexual acting out behavior, because on some level you feel shame and guilt about it.

You believe that what you are doing is reprehensible and that you are unworthy.

In other words, it is accepted that your secrets are a symptom of your psychological sickness, your low self concept.  The more secrets, the more sickness. The implication is that once you quit keeping things secret from others, you will become healthier.

Turns out there is a scientific basis to this idea.

The topic of secrets and brain chemistry was recently discussed on NPR’s Fresh Air via an interview with neuroscientist Dr. David Eagleman.

The battle in the brain

“You have competing populations in the brain — one part that wants to tell something and one part that doesn’t,” he (Eagleman) tells Fresh Air‘s Terry Gross. “And the issue is that we’re always cussing at ourselves or getting angry at ourselves or cajoling ourselves. … What we’re seeing here is that there are different parts of the brain that are battling it out.  And the way that that battle tips, determines your behavior.”

So keeping sexual behavior secret, especially behavior that is as all consuming as that of many sex addicts, means continual struggle with yourself.  The internal dissonance and lack of a sense of personal integrity is draining.

Dr. Eagleman is arguing that this is a real physiological battle going on in the different parts of the brain.

The hormonal consequences of secrets

The struggle involved in keeping a secret is stressful.  This means that your brain will register the fact that there are increased levels of stress hormones going through your bloodstream as a result of this struggle.  Your brain does not enjoy this stress, as Dr. Eagelman points out, and there is pressure from one part of your brain to get rid of it by telling the secret.

Sex addicts live with the stress of keeping a whole section of their life secret from people they see every day and care about.  The fact that their brains are marinated in stress hormones due to keeping secrets (over and above the effects of the compulsive behavior) can cause an impairment in the addict’s ability to stay healthy and function well.

The health benefits of opening up about secrets

Research by James W. Pennebaker at the University of Texas Austin has been using blood tests and EEG’s to measure the results of letting go of secrets.  He has found that whether secrets were confessed to another person out loud or were merely written down privately and destroyed later, there were “tangible health benefits, both physical and mental.”  The research found not only improved relationships, but better sleep and improved immune systems.

The warning label

When is letting go of your secrets harmful?  When you do not consider the effects on another person.  There are a myriad of ways that a sex addict can confess his or her addiction to a partner that are damaging and hurtful to them.  In sex addiction treatment a great deal of care is taken around the issue of disclosure. The disclosure of sex addiction to a loved one should be done with planning and professional help.  There is a “Partner’s Disclosure Worksheet” which the partner may be asked to fill out.  The general idea is that sex addicts should not disclose to a partner something that the partner does not want to know.

Disclosure in general has many aspects which warrant fuller discussion, including what to disclose to children and other family members and what to tell other people you know or work with.  If at all possible, these are matters to discuss fully with a sex addiction specialist before you bare your soul.

Six Things That Help Marriages Survive Sex Addiction

Couples can get through the crisis of sex addiction and recovery and they very often do so, more often in fact than you would think given how traumatic the disclosure of sex addiction is to a relationship.

Part of the reason that couples can get through the upheaval of sex addiction and recovery I think is that the addiction is really not a problem that is a product of the relationship or marriage.  Sex addiction has roots that go way back into childhood attachment issues and involve patterns of coping behavior that existed well before the marriage.

The following are six basic things that couples need to know and do in order to have the best chance of having a good relationship in the future.

  1. Do the work.  Most sex addicts find it impossible to quit on their own.  I have seen couples go for years without confronting the problem and their relationship just continues to deteriorate.  Partners are often the ones who have to provide the motivation for the addict to seek treatment.  Many addicts will only get help after their partner lowers the boom.  Partners must also be in therapy.  Partners are not the cause of the problem but they need a great deal of help and support if the couple is going to make it.
  1. Get some separation from each other in the beginning of treatment.  Many couples make the mistake of trying to confront sex addiction as a couple.  Sex addiction is not that kind of problem.  Couples may have many problems as a couple in terms of openness, communication, and so on, but they can only deal with those after the sex addiction has been treated for a while.  It is actually a good idea to live separately for a while without making a decision about divorce.
  1. Abstain from sex for 6 months.  Abstaining from all sex will likely be a part of the sex addict’s program in the beginning of treatment.  (The reasons for this are described in my Pushing the Pause Button blog.)  This period of abstaining includes abstaining from sex with spouses and partners of the addict.  This may be difficult or easy, or it may seem counter-intuitive but it is part of the process.
  1. Get “pre-marital” counseling later on.  Each person gets help with their own therapist and their own 12-step support group prior to coming together to work on “the relationship.”  In other words, both people are going to undergo a lot of changes in the course of getting healthier through treatment.  In some ways each partner will not be the same person they were before.  It remains to be seen whether these two “new” people want to be together or not.
  1. Be more honest than you ever thought of being.  A healthy intimate relationship demands a level of honesty, commitment and a willingness to share all parts of yourself with your partner.  It also involves letting go of competitiveness and truly being there for your spouse or partner, not only in terms of what they ask of you but in your ability to respond to and support who they are.
  1. Be prepared to continue to work on your relationship.  It is easy to backslide and become complacent.  Old patterns and ways of behaving can creep back in (also see my blog on how sex addiction can resurface in subtle ways.)  Some couples go to couple retreats periodically or go to couple intensive workshops to give themselves a booster shot.  And be supportive of each other’s continued work in individual recovery.

Sex addiction recovery takes a long time; three to five years for substantial recovery to be achieved.  Couples who decide to stick it out together need to take a very long view.  Both addicts and partners tend to panic in the early phase of discovery and often overreact one way or the other.  But keeping a level head and reminding yourselves that it is a long process and that you can get through it will be an invaluable tool.

Why Sex Addicts Seem Sociopathic

To their partners and spouses, many sex addicts will, at some point in their addiction, seem to lack a conscience.  They may lie, cheat, exploit others, think only of themselves and disregard the harm to others.  And they will often be able to do all this while keeping up a façade of social acceptability.

When you’re around a sex addict, it’s easy to see them as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde kind of person; liable to slip into a primitive and depraved state when your back is turned.  Sometimes even the addicts themselves feel that they are two people, one of whom is decidedly anti-social.

The majority of sex addicts (at least those we know about) are not “sociopaths.”  They do not qualify under the diagnostic term of “antisocial personality disorder.”  Their behavior takes on this appearance for some very understandable reasons.

What causes the addict to behave without conscience?

  1. Creeping Denial

Sex addicts try to avoid feeling shame.  They also know on some level that others would disapprove of their addictive behaviors.  In order to keep the feelings of guilt and shame at bay, sex addicts find ways to minimize, rationalize, or justify their behavior.  In so doing they build up a layer of denial.

Over time, this habit of denial can then spread to other areas of the addicts life leading to dishonesty and disregard for risks and consequences in general.

  1. Going it Alone

Along side of their public “normal” life, most sex addicts conduct their sexually addictive life such as anonymous hook-ups, online sex, prostitutes, strip clubs and so on, in secret.  In other words they lead a “double life.”  They are intimacy avoidant and can’t integrate their sex life into their normal life.  This leads to withdrawing from people generally and becoming a closed system, often seeming to lack empathy.

  1. Narcissistic Over-Entitlement

One of the defense mechanisms sex addicts use to justify their behavior is narcissistic over-entitlement.  They come to feel that they are special and that they deserve to act out sexually for one reason or another.  They are important, over-worked, stressed out, and just plain different from everyone else.

This is what sex addiction therapists call being “terminally unique.”  They come to feel that the rules for others don’t apply to them.

With treatment the sex addict can re-connect

The reason we know that most sex addicts we treat are not truly sociopathic is that most of them have the capacity to change the way they live.  With treatment and support they can learn not only to overcome their sexually compulsive behavior, but they can learn to live in honesty and integrity.  They can gain self esteem and drop the narcissistic mask of self importance.  And they can gain intimacy skills and connect with others.  They can experience true empathy.

Are some sex addicts real sociopaths? 

Some sex addicts actually do have a diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder. But because they lack the ability to genuinely connect with other human beings:

(1) They will not feel motivated to seek help, and will not respond to treatment, perhaps even ending up in prison, and

(2) They may not actually be addicts but may simply be as opportunistic and self-serving in their sex life as in life in general.

People with antisocial personality disorder have a poor prognosis in any case.  As you can imagine, it is important for the treating professional to understand what it is they are dealing with, but it may take some assessment to separate out the truly anti-social personality from the addict who has just built up an elaborate wall of defense and denial.

What about other diagnoses?

But you might ask “what about sex addicts having other diagnoses such as depression, bipolar disorder, or ADHD?”  There is reason to believe that sex addicts can have many different kinds of other psychological problems along side their addiction, although these other diagnoses don’t predictably cause sexually addictive behavior.

Addicts who have a co-occurring psychological disorder, such as a mood disorder, can and should get help with their psychological disorder and their sexual addiction for optimal treatment of both.

Discovery of Sex Addiction in a Partner: What to Do First

When you first discover sexually compulsive behavior in a partner, it may be hard to think straight.  Nevertheless, you are in a position of being a “first responder” in a crisis situation that seems to require action of some sort.

You are the “interventionist” for the moment

Very often a spouse or partner of a sex addict is alone in confronting the situation.  An alcoholic or drug addict may have half a dozen friends or family members who are fed up enough that they will band together for a professionally led group intervention to try to get the person to accept help.  Sex addiction is a less public problem and the partner who discovers the secret life of the addict might not have anyone to open up to.

But as a partner of a sex addict, you may be a crucial person in determining whether the addict gets treatment.  What you do or don’t do will have significant effects.  How and in what way should you try to have an impact?  What will you need to know to act effectively? Here are some of the major things to consider.

1.     Confront the sexual behaviors.

It is important for partners and spouses to ask the hard questions.  If you don’t take the issue seriously the sex addict may try to placate you with promises or minimize the problem.  What has the addict been doing? How often?  For how long?  It is not necessary to know all the gory details about specific behaviors.  What matters is to begin to be honest.

2.     Choices to make and choices not to make

You do not have to make a choice about whether to leave the relationship in the middle of the discovery crisis.  But assuming you might stick it out, you do have to make a decision to take the necessary next steps.  Don’t get caught up in definitions of addiction.  The label is not what matters.  What matters is taking action to get help.

3.     Expect some distorted thinking and a mix of strong emotions

The addict at first will be prone to some amount of denial and may not be thinking too clearly.  He or she may react to overwhelming guilt with strong emotions and even anger and accusations.  Don’t be derailed.

4.    You have more power than you think: use it

The partner of a sex addict has a great deal of leverage in the crisis-discovery period.  Most addicts will agree to get help if their partner insists on it, even if they don’t quite understand that they have an addiction.  It is important to know that you may have more influence than the therapist in getting the addict to make the initial commitment to treatment.

5.     Find a sex addiction specialist

Initiate contact with a sex addiction therapist and go in together for an assessment if possible.  Don’t plan on continuing in couple therapy at this point.  Sex addiction is not about issues between you as a couple.  There will be time to deal with that later.  The goal is to get the addict into the proper level of individual treatment for his or her sexually compulsive behavior.

6.     Get help for yourself

It is important that you find a sex addiction therapist who also works with partners and spouses and get individual counseling.  You will also begin to educate yourself about sex addiction and recovery.  This is a time to rely on trusted friends and family for help and support. Your addict partner cannot be your major support system and you must rely on other people as difficult as that may be.

It will only be after both partners have had the appropriate treatment and support over a period of six months to a year that they can then begin to re-evaluate and work on their relationship together.  The initial period is one in which each partner will separately work on their problems.  If you as a spouse or partner have taken a stand and helped make this happen then you will have done the best that you could do.