“Honesty is an Aphrodisiac” – But is This True for Sex Addicts?

I heard the saying “honesty is an aphrodisiac” a long time ago and I felt intuitively that it was true.  But does honesty really set the stage for sexual arousal?  If we are talking about a healthy, committed relationship I think the answer is probably yes.

If honesty in a relationship is being yourself with a partner, being open about who you are and what you are feeling at a given moment then honesty undoubtedly brings you closer.  In fact being vulnerable enough to let a partner know what you feel and what you need is one definition of intimacy.

In sexual terms there is no doubt that communicating honestly about what we feel, what we like and don’t like frees us up to experience what is most arousing to us and can increase our enjoyment of sex.  This suggests that if we share our secret sexual wishes with someone we are letting go of any residual shame that we may feel about those thoughts or urges and are allowing ourselves to become more comfortable with ourselves.

For practicing sex addicts honesty doesn’t work

Comfort and vulnerability are not what sex addicts associate with sexual excitement. Practicing sex addicts find powerful sexual excitement in a world of fantasy.  Whether this fantasy is a scenario on a computer screen, a lap dance, online sexual chat, or a hook-up with a prostitute they are “acting out,” and what they are acting out are their fantasies.  The experience is one of hyper-arousal and in fact sexual arousal is thought to be physiologically connected in some ways to fear.  Fear and risk taking can increase our general level of arousal and can amp up our sexual excitement, as can certain drugs.

If the addict has a spouse or partner but is completely lost in fantasy during sex then they are using their partner to act out their addiction, to use their drug.  And if this is the case they are being dishonest and are closing the door to sexual intimacy with that person.

Honesty works better for the addict in recovery

Recovering sex addicts hope to have a sex life that, while it involves some personal erotic fantasies, also involves a real relationship and an ability to become aroused and to be sexually gratified within a partner.

As addicts progress in their recovery, honesty becomes increasingly meaningful in supporting a healthy sex life.

As the addict recovers he or she gains a stronger and more positive sense of who they are.    Sharing our honest feelings and wants with someone is an act of trust.  It means not only that we trust our partner, but that we trust our new found sense of self, we know that we have nothing to be ashamed of.

Being accepted for who we really are not only makes us feel more trusting it makes us feel that it is possible to be loved.  We feel that we are OK in our core we not longer feel that we have to put up a front or an act in order to be acceptable.  This in turn works wonders for intimacy and for sexual fulfillment.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

How Much Porn Can You Watch Before it’s a Sexual Addiction?

Sexual AddictionThis is a very different question from the standpoint of the person using the porn versus the standpoint of a spouse, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend of the porn user.  Spouses and Partners may be worried about something the person is doing that makes them uncomfortable.  Porn users are worried about whether being a sex addict is something they need to worry about at all.

I know of no hard and fast rule about how much porn viewing makes you an addict.  And it is sometimes confusing because using internet pornography may be the addict’s primary and sometimes even their only behavior, but more often it is part of a pattern or set of behaviors.  Some porn addicts may have other sexually compulsive behaviors like seductiveness, affairs, online sexual hook-ups, use of prostitutes or visiting sexual massage parlors.  Viewing internet porn may exist along side one or more of these as a part of an overall sexual addiction.  Nevertheless is is possible to look at what factors do and don’t make porn an addiction.

It’s not the exact number of hours per week

If a person is a “recreational” porn user and has no other addictive sexual behaviors they may not have any problem at all.  However, this assumes that they can stop if they want to and that they can honor their partner’s feelings if their partner wants them to stop.  It also assumes that they are capable of being honest about what they are doing and are not leading a double life.  Further it assumes that the use of pornography is not interfering with their having a relationship life in the first place.

So searching for an exact number of hours of watching internet porn is difficult.  It is like the question “How many hairs do you have to lose before you are bald?”  But at the extreme end of the scale where the person is watching porn several hours a day or 20 hours a week it is clear that there is some kind of a problem.

It’s not the content

Some people might think that if the content of the pornography being used is especially bizarre or violent or even illegal that this means the person is an addict.  Such people may have problems or fetishes but they may not act them out in an addictive way.  Likewise the fact that a porn addict only looks at “normal” heterosexual scenarios does not mean that he or she is not a sex addict.

It’s how you do it that makes it addiction

  • Addiction has been described as a pathological relationship with a mood altering experience.  The use of porn as an addiction involves the use of sexual arousal and gratification as a way to escape from unpleasant feelings in the same way that using alcohol and other drugs is a way to numb out or escape.
  • Another of the key features of porn as an addiction is that the addict continues to engage in the behavior even though it has negative consequence.  Like a drug addict, a porn addict will take extreme risks such as viewing porn on his work computer even though it may mean losing his job.  And the addict will not stop there but will continue to use porn despite what it costs in terms of the damage it does to his life or livelihood.
  • A distinguishing feature of porn or sex addiction is that it goes against the addict’s basic value system.  If there is no effective intervention the porn or sex addict continues in the addiction regardless of the harm to himself or others he is close to.  The addict does not like what he or she is doing and often feels very bad about it.  The fact that it continues is evidence that an addiction is present.
  • Porn addicts are also people who want to quit at various times and who have every intention of quitting.  Sometimes these are merely cynical ploys but very often they are real intentions.  And yet the fact of doing something despite the intention not to do it is a sign that addiction is present.
  • Lastly, any sex addiction including porn addiction is distinguished by the fact that it involves the avoidance of intimacy.  The addict removes part of himself from the relationship with a significant other and compartmentalizes it in a particular sexual activity.  This is the intimacy “disability” or intimacy avoidance that is present in some form for most sex and porn addicts.

So to sum up:  If the person is not using pornography to medicate anything, is feeling fine about it, is able to be honest and open about it with a partner, is able to maintain an intimate relationship in which he shares all parts of himself, is not taking risks, losing jobs, going into debt or otherwise ruining his life for the sake of porn and is able to make a decision to quit and stick to it when there is good reason to do so then the person is probably not a porn addict.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Sexually Addictive Behavior: Do All Sex Addicts Cheat?

In the strictest sense, the answer is no, not all sex addicts cheat.   For example there is the addict whose sexually addictive behavior involves pornography and who doesn’t have sex with anyone but their partner.  And certainly there are many such sex addicts who lead the typical double life of the addict but who do not have sex with another person.  There are also sex addicts for whom actual cheating is their preferred or only acting out behavior.  They flirt, they hook up with people or they have “serial” affairs with various people outside their primary relationship.  I have previously argued that not all cheaters are sex addicts and that sometimes a cheater is just a cheater.

For many addicts cheating is one of several sexually addictive behaviors

The average sex addict has more than one sexually addictive behavior.  He or she may use internet porn and also engage in sexual chat, or he may go to sexual massage parlors and also see prostitutes.  So the porn addict may also be having affairs but only admitting to the porn as an addiction or a problem.

The addict may not see the actual cheating as being a part of his or her addiction.  The sex addict who has a very obviously compulsive behavior such as watching porn for hours on end several times a week may feel that infidelity does not qualify as part of his or her addiction.  This is almost always a mistake.  In these cases where addiction is clearly present in another form, cheating is

(a) Part of a pattern of sexual duplicity

(b) Used as a way to feel better, i.e. as a drug, and

(c) Used as a form of intimacy avoidance meaning there is no viable relationship involved.

In other words cheating is part of the addiction even when it is seen as “minor” or is intermittent.  When cheating is intermittent it is often easy for the addict and even the partner to think that it is not part of the sex addiction and is not being done as a sexually addictive behavior.  This is because it does not appear to be compulsive or preoccupying in the same way as the addict’s other behaviors might.  After all it’s only once every year or two or three.

The sex addict who is faithful may be cheating in their fantasy life

Consider the married sex addict who watches porn involving sex with several people at once, or with homosexual content, or with violent or sadistic scenarios, to name just a few possibilities.  He may be bringing those addictive fantasies into his sexual experience with his spouse or partner in order to become aroused but without telling her about it.  Or the fantasies may just flood in without the addict consciously thinking about it.

Sexual fantasies often enter into sex with a partner and to a great extent they can be private.  But for sex addicts, the inability to be mentally present becomes a form of separating their sexuality from their real life with a partner.

This is not to say that people should be fantasy-less in sex with a partner, but it is a matter of degree and of the rigidity with which the person is only capable of sexual arousal and gratification when viewing or recalling a set of fantasy scenarios that remove him or her completely from the real life situation.

All addictive sex can be seen as cheating

If a sex addict is in a relationship, then any addictive behavior can and usually will be seen as a form of cheating by the spouse or partner.  One has only to look at the many good blogs and forums by spouses of sex addicts to understand the experience as one of betrayal and disloyalty, not matter what behavior is involved, even if it is solely porn addiction.

The elements of secrecy and intimacy avoidance, i.e. compartmentalizing a part of sexual behavior and leading a double life make it clear that sexually addictive behavior usually has common features and serves a common purpose.  To the addict who says “yes, but when I watch porn I’m not harming anyone, no one else is there” the partners say “you (the addict) are there” meaning you are harming yourself and your relationship with someone you care about.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

3 Wonderful Life Events That Trigger Porn and Sex Addiction Relapse

Any porn addict will tell you how hard it is to stay away from porn.  In recovery the sex addict will work at identifying his or her most treacherous situations, circumstances and ritual behaviors that can be an engraved invitation to relapse.

Obvious triggers

The obvious triggers might include situations like being alone in a hotel room on a business trip.  There the deck is totally stacked against the addict: he is tired, bored, lonely, under pressure, and there is easy access to porn.  Other common life stressors like having your in-laws move in next door, a major illness or losing your job are also obvious stressors that can lead to cravings for an escape and can weaken the addicts defenses.

However, there are positive life events that are as likely, if not more likely, to trigger sexual acting out.  These are so common that the addict may not see them as posing a danger. Also they are generally so positive that no one would really want to escape form them.

Nevertheless, sex addiction therapists know these situations well and they can anecdotally support the fact that these happy circumstances are correlated with episodes of sexual acting out.

Three positive life events that trigger relapse

Each of the following circumstances can trigger relapse in its own way and for its own reasons.

  • Having children, no matter how much an addict welcomes the event, is a major life change.  It places stress on a relationship or marriage in a way that is challenging for an already intimacy-challenged addict.  Addicts fear they will not get their needs met under the best of circumstances and may be seriously stressed when their partner is less available.  Addicts typically experience abandonment fear due to early relational trauma and this may kick in as well.  And addicts are often quite narcissistic, meaning they may not take well to sharing the spotlight with a child.
  • Getting a promotion, getting a raise or otherwise gaining success and recognition add stress to the addict’s life.  Addicts are insecure to begin with and getting promoted may increase the demands and expectations of their work life.  This means increased fear of failure.  And the way addicts typically cope with insecurity is through escape.  Becoming more involved with work means the addict will have less energy for the relationship with a partner or spouse and may literally be gone more.  The resulting stresses for the couple can lessen the level of intimacy in an already intimacy challenged situation.  The addict may even use the new demands of work as a way to escape the interpersonal demands of relating.
  • Dating, or beginning to date again after engaging in sex addiction treatment is very problematic territory for a sex addict.  Very likely, the addict has never been comfortable with beginning and building a real relationship and may lack confidence and experience in conducting a normal courtship.  Addicts in early recovery will most likely bring their old addictive habits and fantasies with them into this new situation.  They may pick the wrong kind of person, someone who feels familiar but who mirrors their old acting out sexual fantasies.  The early relationships in recovery can become addictive in that they can be obsessive, dishonest or lack any firm basis in mutual caring and shared enjoyment.  They may also lack a future.  These old habits mean that a new dating relationship will also bring with it the addict’s same old fears and distorted thoughts an expectations.  This puts the addict back in an addictive mind set and can lead to further acting out and relapse.

The nature of stress

One definition of stress is: “A loss or the threat of a loss.”  Each of these three happy circumstances carries the potential for loss along with their many rewards.  The threat of a loss is inherent in any big change.  Even in a change for the better something will be given up in the process of change.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Intimacy After Sex Addiction Treatment: 5 Frequently Asked Questions

If you are in a relationship with someone who has been in sex addiction treatment you will have a lot of legitimate confusion and uncertainty.   Here are some of the questions I have heard most frequently.

Has he told me everything?

There is a serious chance that a sex addict who is in pretty good recovery may be holding back, some big or little fact about his sex addiction history.  As much as we would like for sex addicts in treatment to disclose everything that is relevant, there may be some information that they feel they simply cannot reveal, or at least not yet.  There is bound to be some residual shame about their addictive behavior and some fear that a particular fact would be a “deal breaker” for you.  If you can be non-judgmental and supportive, the addict will eventually feel safer telling everything.  But if you want to know it all, you should let the addict know that the whole truth is important to you.

Can I trust him not to cheat on me?

If having extra-curricular affairs was one of the addict’s sexually addictive behaviors, and assuming he has committed to avoiding this behavior then you probably can assume that he will not go out and start another affair.  But there is a caveat.  Addicts in recovery often find miniature ways of acting out their old behaviors.  He may flirt excessively, he may contact an old girlfriend online or he may have work relationships with women that are “just friends.”  These are things that are not a good idea for a recovering addict as they are ways of sneaking around the rules to get a “hit,” not to mention they will drive you crazy.  Someone he trusts needs to point this out to the sex addict when it happens because he will be unlikely to see it on his own.

Will he enjoy sex with me?

Your sex life may be perfectly fine.  However, for some addicts it is difficult to adjust to sex with a partner once they have stopped using sex as a “drug”.  The addict may even become sexually avoidant to some degree.  Sex with a partner can initially seem uninteresting to an addict who is used to the adrenaline rush of acting out.  And the addict may have insecurities about whether he or she will be sexually adequate, insecurities which were always there but which were submerged in the addiction.  The addict may be tempted to bring some addictive fantasies into your sex life, familiar thoughts and behaviors and role-playing that the addict found arousing in the past. This can be totally OK (if it’s comfortable for you both) but it can also be slippery territory for the addict; it is a judgment call and it’s important to talk about it together.

What are the signs of relapse?

The signs of possible relapse are many, but one of the most obvious is the addict’s letting go of his or her commitment to their recovery and continued growth.  Lessening of the total devotion to sex addiction treatment may be expected, but if the addict becomes too cavalier about being “cured” he may be at risk.  Another problem area is that of other addictions, which may surface and lead back to the sexual addiction.  Addicts may drink more, get too wrapped up in work or engage in other activities addictively.   If the addict begins using another substance or behavior as a drug this can lead back to sexual acting out.

Will we be able to feel intimate?

Regaining trust and intimacy is a long process.  It is necessary to be very patient and supportive with one another and not to panic.  Sex addiction is often called an “intimacy disorder” and this means that sex addicts have to gradually learn how to express things like nurturance and devotion.  Over the long haul, sex addiction treatment involves learning  how to be honest with a partner and how to feel safe being who you are, with all your imperfections and fears.  This level of honesty will ultimately lead to a closer, safer bond for both of you.  The addict (and you) will come to feel that you are going to be OK even if the relationship should end and that it is necessary to stop hiding and lying even if it means you risk everything.  I like the saying that your love should be unconditional, meaning you don’t have to sit in judgment, but that whether you choose to stay in the relationship is conditional.

Sex Addicts Need Healthy Narcissism

We are all getting pretty good a spotting unhealthy narcissism.  This is the narcissism that is often characteristic of sex addicts and that represents a kind of façade or false self.  The person is grandiose and self absorbed but underneath they feel unworthy and are deeply insecure.

The thing that distinguishes unhealthy narcissism is the lack of an underlying sense of self worth.  The person has a brittle narcissistic defense system which crumbles when the person gets negative feedback or when they are shown up or thwarted.  When the bubble bursts in this way, the narcissistic addict responds either with rage or with an orgy of self hatred, which can even turn suicidal.

The sex addict with a narcissistic defense system feels “I have to be the greatest or it’s all over.”  They are either feeling contempt for everyone else or they are feeling contempt for themselves.  These are two sides of the same coin.

What is healthy narcissism?

Healthy narcissism is not the same as self-esteem.  As I have argued previously, the concept of self-esteem involves judging ourselves, usually from the perspective of what others might think, and often from outward traits and accomplishments.  Self esteem, like unhealthy narcissism, is either high or low.

  • Healthy narcissism has no opposite.  It is an abiding feeling of inherent worthiness and value.  You may succeed or fail, you may do something you regret, and you may even decide to work on your issues and change, but you still feel OK about being you.
  • You feel good in your body and enjoy using your body for activity and pleasure.  You can even enjoy looking good, dressing and decorating your body and can do so without judging yourself or feeling self-conscious.
  • You have the ability to protect yourself from that which is harmful or dangerous to you.  You have an essential sense of your own emotional and physical integrity.  This in turn is a feeling of empowerment and safety in relating to people.
  • You are OK with your successes.  You are neither ashamed of them nor do you let them define you.  You don’t limit yourself from doing as well as you can do and reaching the heights that you can reach in terms of fulfilling your destiny, making money or whatever to try to do.  You don’t feel guilty about getting ahead.

Couples confronting sex addiction need healthy narcissism

Both partners in a couple need be narcissistic in a healthy way.  Particularly when confronting sex addiction, both partners will need to regain their sense of their own value and their own right to feel safe and empowered.  Regaining a basic sense of self worth supports the couple’s recovery.

  • Shame is a key feature of sex addiction for both partners and overcoming shame will involve feeling that although something you did was wrong or something that happened was wrong, you are not wrong.  You are worthwhile and not deserving of shame.
  • Couples in recovery need to learn to maintain boundaries that may never have been there to begin with.  Healthy narcissism means protecting yourself , feeling that you have the right to ask for what you want, and being assertive instead of aggressive.
  • Overcoming sexual addiction means learning to enjoy yourself physically to the fullest.  Caring for your body, enjoying your body and enjoying your sexuality will be growing over time in recovery for both partners.

Sex addicts in recovery will be engaging the world in a more confident way as their negative core beliefs about themselves subside.  This may take many forms but will often involve feeling entitled to fulfill your potential, feeling confident in situations that used to intimidate you and feeling important, not because you are superior but just because you are you.  Oh alright, you can go ahead and pat yourself on the back for all that great progress you’ve made!

Partners Need to Know the Secrets and Lies of Sex Addiction

People generally do not want to disclose their sex addiction to their intimate partner.  And yet in sex addiction treatment we believe that couples cannot begin the process of recovery as long as the addict is still keeping secrets or telling lies.  Hence the saying in treatment circles:

“Tell it all, tell it soon!”

This is not to say that we cannot have a private inner life or that we have to tell our spouse or partner everything we think or do.  But telling the truth about sex addiction is an essential part of recovery.  It is essential for the addict, for the partner and for the relationship.

When disclosure is not necessary

Disclosing the full extent of a sex addiction is not generally advised when the couple are planning to divorce or separate.  Couples in the process of separation and divorce are dealing with a lot of emotional and real life upheaval.  The disclosure of the details of sexual betrayal may be detrimental to the process of separating.  It can fan the fires of resentment and conflict around settlement and custody issues.  Often a partial disclosure has taken place which is part of the reason for the divorce.  Disclosure can add to the traumatization of the partner who already feels betrayed, without serving any useful purpose.

Disclosing to a partner is often partial and disorganized

Partial disclosure, or disclosing in “stages,” is the norm although it is not considered a good idea.  The addict feels the pressure to come clean but wants to hold back some facts about the sex addiction, usually those that are most damaging or shameful.  The addict who has been partially found out is in a crisis state and is most often very afraid of abandonment by a partner.  The feeling is that if the spouse or partner knew everything they would surely leave.  This is not necessarily a true or rational idea.

However, full disclosure sets the stage not only for the addict to begin a new way of living but for the relationship to begin on a new basis of honesty and trust.  Every time another little piece of information about the addict’s past behavior trickles out it makes the partner feel like it is just more than they can take.  This is because the partner feels the dishonesty may have no end.

The commitment to truthfulness going forward

Holding on to secrets is a sign that the addict is not in very good recovery.  “Rigorous honesty” is considered to be at the heart of the 12-step model of addiction recovery.  There is a level of self hate and shame in the addict who feels he cannot be honest.  He is continuing to act on the core belief that if someone really knew him they could never love him.  It is a way to hang onto control but it is unfair.

Dishonesty about who we are sexually is a way to keep ourselves apart from our partner.  It is a fatal barrier to true intimacy, which involves allowing ourselves to be known.  It also gives the addict unequal power.

To the partner, the fact that they do not know what is going on or has gone on means that not only do they not know their addict partner very well but they do not have a view of their life that is based in reality.  Partners cannot find contentment and happiness if their reality is being manipulated by someone else.

What not to disclose

The optimal way to disclose the facts of a sex addiction to a partner is thought to be through a “planned disclosure.”  This is one where the couple prepare separately with their counselors and carry out the disclosure in the presence of a treating professional.

As part of the preparation, the partner or spouse will decide what it is they want to hear.  This is very important.  The addict may want to tell more than the partner wants to know.  The addict will have to take direction from the partner as to what to disclose.  For example, the partner may or may not want to know how many times the addict did a certain thing, or with whom, or what the details of the act were.

Planned full disclosure may be the ideal, but people are human and it is often not that neat.  We need to accept that both people may be afraid and mistrustful.  The addict may try to get away with holding onto a few key pieces of information our of fear, and the partner may resort to spying on the addict’s email in order to deal with the crazy-making feelings of mistrust.

But even if it is not perfect, the disclosure must take place for the relationship to survive and thrive.

Is it Possible to Recover from Sexual Addiction?

The concept of “recovery”

I have seen many sex addicts recover from an unhappy, lonely, self-destructive pattern of behavior in their sexual addiction and go on to not only rebuild their lives but to reach greater heights than they ever imagined.

Yet there is a tradition in the addiction field of viewing addictions as in some ways similar to “chronic” mental illness and chronic medical conditions like diabetes; conditions that require ongoing care and can be managed successfully over time.  This implies that there is no “cure,” that there may be periods of relapse and that there is no end point to recovery.

Current thinking about sexual addiction has moved beyond the earlier more limited concepts.  See a recent review of the history of the concept of recovery in mental health and addiction.

Recovery from sex addiction

Recovery from sex addiction is considered today to involve much more than abstinence from the sexually addictive behavior.  It involves a long term process of years rather than weeks or months in which the addict will make many positive changes in his/her life and functioning and in which abstinence is merely a first step along the way.

Sex addiction is viewed in the larger context of a problem with intimacy in general, usually relating back to a relational trauma of some sort during childhood.  Treatment involves resolving the underlying trauma issues and building up the life competencies that have been compromised.

Sex life in sexual addiction

The sex life of the practicing sex addict looks very different from that of the addict in recovery.  The sex life characteristic of sexual addiction is:

  • Compulsive in that it involves preoccupations, cravings and urges that defy control
  • Compartmentalized in that a chunk of the sexual life of the addict is separate from the addict’s intimate life i.e. the addict leads a double life
  • Secret in that the behavior characteristic of the addicts sexual addiction does not square with the rest of the addict’s life and the face he presents to the world, and
  • Used as a drug in that the hyper-arousal characteristic of the addictive behavior serves to distract, numb or otherwise escape from negative feelings
  • Does not usually involve a real relationship although the addict may fantasize a relationship with a stripper, a masseuse etc.

Sex life in recovery

In recovery the sex addict will be able to integrate his sex life and his “regular” life instead of keeping them separate.  This implies that the recovering addict will be:

  • Less narrow and rigid in sexual preferences and fantasy scenarios
  • Less compulsive about sex, meaning less preoccupied with seeking sex and less obsessed with sexual cravings
  • More relational and less isolated in sexual activity (e.g. sex with a person vs. porn only)
  • Less selfish, in that he will be less focused on himself and his gratification and more able to focus on a partner and
  • Able to give up the “hyper-arousal” of addictive sex in which sexual excitation is used as a drug

Long term benefits in recovery from sex addiction

Not only can the recovering sex addict have a richer, less destructive sex life, but he or she will throughout the time of recovery make many other changes as well.  If recovery continues to be a process of overcoming past fears and insecurities through active participation in treatment, therapy, support groups or a combination of these, the addict can grow in many ways over a period of 3 to 5 years and beyond.

Some of these areas of improved functioning are internal, and some have to do with relationships and general levels of functioning.  The addict in good recovery will show improvement in

  • Empathy for others
  • Less narcissistic attitudes
  • Greater feelings of overall comfort
  • Improved self-care
  • A commitment to honesty
  • Greater ability to be responsible and nurturing as a partner and parent

Addicts in recovery can expect to learn many life skills they never had before, such as the ability to set appropriate limits and boundaries, to stick up for themselves, and to set life goals and achieve them.

So where does it end?

These are pretty hefty promises but I have seen them fulfilled.  You might ask “So why do we keep on talking about ‘recovering’ addicts instead of ‘recovered’ addicts?”  Perhaps addicts feel the need to be vigilant about habits that may still be deeply buried in their “lizard” brains.  Perhaps it is just a leftover tradition from the founders of AA.  For the time being we could just think of it as a way to stay connected to a fellowship and a reminder to us to give back.

Sex Addiction Treatment and Forgotten Childhood Trauma

Many people in sex addiction treatment or recovery programs can remember and talk about their history of abuse or trauma.  But sometimes recovering addicts have all the outward symptoms of having had traumatic childhood experiences but they don’t remember being traumatized or mistreated in any way.

Sometimes  people in sex addiction treatment feel certain that “something must have happened to me” and though they rack their brains they cannot remember anything that they can label as abusive or traumatic.

We who work with sex addicts assume that there is always going to be a history of  some problems in relationships with caregivers which lead to  an insecure, avoidant or disorganized attachment style later in life.  This problem with close relationships relates directly to  sexually addictive behavior and is why we think of sex addiction as an intimacy disorder.

Often addicts will go in for EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) or somatic techniques in an attempt to connect with forgotten memories, and many claim this helps.  And sometimes the abuse happened before the child learned to talk, which means that there is no way to remember it in words.

But just as often the traumatic events are there but are simply not recognized as such by the addict.

Why people can’t see their traumatic childhood

First and foremost, many people have a mistaken notion about what constitutes childhood trauma.  Infants and children need consistent nurturing, closeness, touch, connection and love in order to develop as strong, stable normal adults.  The absence of this kind of closeness and support does not allow the child to develop normally.  So people in sex addiction treatment need to look at the kind of relationship they had with their caregivers and at what was missing in that relationship.

Many addicts were not held enough as infants, were not soothed enough or were left alone or with strangers.  These things are traumatic to the developing child.  As children many addicts experienced abandonment, were sent away, or were devalued or rejected by their caregivers in some way.  All of these things constitute abuse and lead to problems later on.

Most people whether they are sex addicts or not tend to idealize their family and their early life, or at least to minimize the hurt or deprivation they suffered.  Growing up we need to see our parents in a positive light; it is part of what helps us get through childhood.  We want to trust and look up to our parents and it is very threatening for a child to think anything bad about their parents.  This leads to a tendency to idealize our childhood even in the face of evidence of stressful and traumatic experiences.

Add to this the fact that most of us resist seeing ourselves as “damaged.”  If we are survivors, we have come through a lot and we want to see ourselves as basically OK.  This makes it all the harder to understand our early life.

How to connect with childhood trauma

In addition to understanding the biases described above, it is important to understand that people do not have to remember major horrible events in order to connect with their trauma history.  Very often we already know everything we need to know but we have not looked at it closely enough.

Much of the work of uncovering our traumatic past history involves looking at events that took place and reinterpreting what was going on in light of what we now know as adults.  What seemed like our parents having high standards for us may turn out to have been a way they put us down or conveyed negative expectations about us.  What we saw as encouraging self-reliance or being given a lot of freedom may have been a form of neglect.  And what we took for bonding may have been invasive or inappropriate.

It will be important to go back and look at what were vivid memories or recurring themes in childhood and look at them with fresh eyes, critical eyes.

What I hear over and over is “well, they did the best they could!”  People don’t want to blame their parents or caregivers or seem ungrateful.  But it goes without saying that our parents did the best they could.  That does not help us unravel our own issues.  In sex addiction treatment we need to look at what went wrong as much as, or more than, what went right.  This is the real eye opener.   Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

How to Get Your Spouse into Sex Addiction Treatment

As a porn and sex addiction therapist I am often contacted by the spouses looking for sex addiction treatment for their partner.  I will look at the reasons for this and give my views on why the role of the spouse or partner is important in getting treatment for the addiction.

Why partners do the initial reaching out for help

  • The sex addict usually resists treatment for the same reason any addict does—part of them would really like to keep doing what they are doing no matter what the consequences are.  Hence it is easier to let the partner do the leg work of finding help.  At this early crisis stage immediately after disclosure the addict will be inclined to say they want help but will not want to be proactive in seeking out what might actually be an effective intervention.
  • The spouse of partner of the sex addict may be the one who is experiencing more of the distress in the situation.  The addict will surely be feeling shameful and remorseful when the addiction is disclosed, but this is nothing compared to the trauma of the betrayal usually experienced by the partner.  This in turn motivated the partner to go into crisis mode and begin trying to find solutions.
  • The sex addict may resist being the one to reach out for sex addiction treatment because he is too embarrassed to call up and admit to a stranger that he has these problems.  I often hear this discomfort in the voices of addicts who do call me and I hear them groping for a way not to have to state the problem directly.

Why the partner’s role is so important in getting help

Most often a sex addict or porn addict is in the grip of a strong compulsion to “act out” in their addictive behavior, whatever it is; porn, sexual hook-ups, infidelity, prostitutes, online sexual encounters, etc.  They may engage in this behavior frequently or less frequently, but the main point is that they are doing it addictively, meaning they are leading a separate sex life, they cannot stop, it is going to escalate over time, and it will have negative repercussions for their life and relationships.

The untreated sex or porn addict is in a state of denial.  Very often it will take some force from outside to get his attention and to convince him to get some serious treatment.  That force may come in the form of getting in trouble with the law, losing a job, or losing a marriage.  But whatever it is it will exert the necessary pressure on the addict. 

When spouses and partners discover a sex addiction they are in a unique position to use the crisis to force the addict to get help.  Addicts tend to panic at the thought that they will lose their wife and possibly alienate their children.  The spouse needs to recognize that very often they and they alone can lower the boom on the addict and cause an effective intervention.

Spouses should not expect that the therapist, even the most expert therapist, will be able to force treatment on an addict.  In the simplest terms, the therapist has no ammunition compared to the spouse. 

What the spouse needs to do

Spouses and partners seeking sex addiction treatment should be prepared to draw a line in the sand about the need for the addict to get help.  They need to say that they will live with a recovering sex addict but not with a practicing one.  And they need to mean it, in other words they need to be prepared to separate if there is inadequate movement.

Spouses need to be realistic about the kind of help that is required.  Often sex addicts will promise to quit, attend a few 12-step meetings, engage in an online program, install blocking software or get some couple counseling.   Sometimes addicts try to convince their partner that the addiction is really the partner’s fault, which it never is!

These can be ways to diffuse the situation while still having no real motivation to change.   A serious sex addiction requires a serious treatment program, often a one or two week outpatient intensive or a four to six week residential program followed by active12-step participation, and follow up therapy. 

Ultimately the addict will have to become engaged in their own recovery for it to work.  But the initial impetus can often come from the desire to hold on to a partner.  And in the long term, the relationship can get on the right track if both partners are engaged in recovery both separately and as a couple.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource