Porn Addiction in Film: “Don Jon” Gets Intimacy Disorder Right

The new film “Don Jon” starring and written and directed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt (and hopefully its planned sequel “Sin City: A Dame to Kill For”) have the potential to do more to combat the epidemic of sexist porn and sex addiction than all the “feminist porn” movies, books and women’s studies classes put together.  The film is so well done and so entertaining that you might not notice that it is a feminist film or that it deals with intimacy disorder.

In the title role Gordon-Levitt plays a shallow young man whose life is anchored by strong ties to his family, church and male friends.   He is not a sleaze or a loser, he likes to keep his apartment sparkling clean, and he’s a nice guy with a lot of charm and innocent warmth.  It’s just that he inhabits a social world in which the sexual objectification of women and the search for sexual hook-ups are the norm.  He is also a hope-to-die porn addict, which he confesses to his Catholic priest every Sunday but which he fails to identify as a real problem.  He has no idea what intimacy is let alone intimacy disorder.

The story is one of a man whose consciousness is raised through meeting and connecting with Esther (played by Julianne Moore), a totally present and very spiritual survivor of great personal tragedy.  The theme of the film is stated toward the end: that intimacy is losing yourself in someone else not losing yourself in fantasy.

A lot of the film is taken up with the funny and poignant attempt at a relationship with Barbara, a woman he lusts after but who withholds sex.  Scarlett Johansson gives an amazing performance as Barbara, the sexy, gum-cracking, love addict who wants to mold a relationship to match her fairy tale fantasy of the great love.  As this relationship develops we see that both Jon and Barbara are totally intimacy disordered.  Neither one really knows how to get to know another person or how to move forward in a genuine courtship.

In the Julianne Moore character, Jon finds an ancient goddess archetype,  who approaches him in a night class which he is taking to please Barbara (i.e. to get in her pants).  In case there is any doubt that religion and spirituality are not necessarily the same thing.  Jon goes  to church every Sunday with his family and confesses his “sins” of pornography/masturbation and sex out of wedlock with hilarious honesty (“35 times in the last week”) and while he performs all the resulting Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s diligently, he never evolves one inch until he meets his de facto spiritual guide.

Gordon-Levitt, unlike the character he plays in the film, has feminist consciousness in his DNA.  He is the son of non-observant Jewish progressives.  His father was at one time the news director for KPFK and his mother ran for U.S. congress in the 70’s in the Peace and Freedom Party.  Gordon Levitt is quoted as saying:

“My mom brought me up to be a feminist.  She was active in the movement in the 60s and 70s.  The Hollywood movie industry has come a long way since its past.  It certainly has a bad history of sexism, but it ain’t all the way yet.”

When Love Addicts Fall for Sex Addicts

As a therapist I have noticed that partners of sex addicts frequently have characteristics of love addicts.  This is not always the case of course.

Partners of sex addicts may be innocent bystanders.  But I think there are some reasons to suggest an affinity between love addicts and sex addicts.

There are underlying similarities between sex addicts and love addicts in terms of brain chemistry, intimacy issues, abandonment fear and co-dependentence.  Both tend to have early childhood trauma and attachment issues.

However, I think it is the separate, distinct characteristics of each that attract them to each other.

Here are my thoughts on how this pairing might come about and what function  it might serve for the addict and the partner

The allure of the sex addict

What sex addicts do is to behave in certain predictable ways that turn out to be an engraved invitation for the love addict.

  • Superficial intensity

Love addicts have the fantasy of being desired and rescued.  As Pia Mellody puts it

“When these individuals get old enough, they begin to form a fantasy in their head of somebody rescuing them from being so alone, of making them matter. The fantasy usually takes the form of being rescued by – it is like Cinderella — a knight in shining armor or a wonder woman, who will take care of them and help them come out of their dilemma of being too alone and worthless and not knowing what to do.”

Sex addicts are themselves very insecure and narcissistic.  They want to be seen as the hero even if it is a façade.  The love addict would like to be permanently swept away.  But intensity is not the same as intimacy; it is a fantasy that cannot be sustained.

  • Dishonesty

Sex addicts can appear to offer unconditional love and acceptance because they lack the ability to be who they really are in a relationship.  The sex addict is often comfortable with saying what the love addict wants to hear since he or she is invested in a whole other, secret sexual life.

This works for the love addict who needs to feel completed in a relationship.  The love addict does not see through the sex addict’s perfect love but merely projects their own fantasy onto it.  They feel safe.

  • Seductiveness

Sex addicts are seductive.  They can manipulate the love addict into feeling that they are perfect, the fairy princess.   The love addict needs to feel perfect in order to feel safe.  If I am perfect you will never leave me.

  • Lack of intention or commitment

Sex addicts substitute the intensity, superficiality and seductiveness for any real investment in the relationship or in the future.  Lacking intimacy skills they don’t confront the partner about anything, don’t negotiate, and often avoid talking about their needs and wants altogether.

The love addict cannot tolerate the requirements of real intimacy either such as being open to confrontation, being willing to admit to being imperfect or wrong, or allowing the addict to be imperfect.  Since the sex addict lacks the ability to be real and work on a relationship, the basic unavailability of the sex addict a good fit. 

As Patrick Carnes has said:

“Love addicts consciously want intimacy, but can’t tolerate healthy closeness, so they must unconsciously choose a partner who cannot be intimate in a healthy way.”

The love addict partner is unconsciously drawn toward a relationship in which there is intense romanticism (at first) but which cannot lead to a stable grown-up relationship.  In the long run, the love addict will be subjected to disappointment, deception and episodes of abandonment by the person they love.  Yet they will often continue to be “hooked” on the fantasy.

Intimacy and Secrets: Why Sex Addicts Won’t Tell All

Telling a partner their sexual secrets is the last thing that most sex addicts want to do.  Yet it is considered a vital part of sex addiction recovery for the addict and not just for the partner or spouse.

Disclosing everything about the addict’s secret life is important in finding or maintaining intimacy and yet it seldom happens all at once. Despite the fact that sex addiction therapists and sex addiction support groups stress honesty and coming clean with your spouse or partner, addicts fear it like the plague.  (For additional information about the process of disclosure and planned disclosure in therapy see my post “Partners Need to Know the Secrets and Lies of Sex Addiction”.)

Trickling or staggered disclosure

It is normal for sex addicts to want to hold back as much about their addiction as they think they can get away with.  So initially, they are likely to disclose only the minimum they think they need to.  As treatment progresses and the partner or spouse gets more involved, additional sexual behaviors or additional details about the sexual activities may come out or be discovered.  Staggered disclosure is considered by therapists to be the norm (see Corley and Schneider, Disclosing Secrets, 2002).

The resistance to revealing everything

There are a number of reasons why addicts find it so hard to just tell it all; some have to do with overt manipulation and some are more psychological.

  • Wanting to contain the problem and avoid the risk of turmoil or divorce.  Disclosure does cause turmoil but it does not necessarily cause divorce.  Addicts are often justifiably afraid that honesty may result in a break-up.  They have in effect made a bargain: they are giving up the possibility for real intimacy in their relationship in order to maintain the relationship.  This is probably a long-standing bargain so it is hard to see it as such.  It is based on the addict’s insecurity, abandonment fear and negative core beliefs about him/her self.
  • Wanting to “protect” the partner or spouse.  Yes, disclosure is hurtful to spouses and partners of the addict.  But here again the addict is making a trade off: they are saying in effect ‘Hurting my partner by keeping sexual secrets and sacrificing a closer bond is better than hurting my partner by telling the truth.’  Better for who?   In most cases the wish to protect the partner is a rationalization
  • Thinking that certain facts don’t count.  Addicts in early recovery may not really understand the many ways, large and small, that they have acted out their sexual compulsivity.  It is typical in recovery for addicts to add things to the list of sexually addictive behaviors as they gain greater self awareness.  A porn addict may not be thinking that his sporadic affairs were part of an “addiction.”  Another addict may not immediately realize that coming on to a friend’s wife at a party was related to his addiction to extramarital hook-ups.
  • Wanting to be able to continue the undisclosed behavior.  This is not necessarily a conscious wish to be devious.  It may be that the addict stays in denial about a particular behavior, believing it to be innocent or irrelevant because of an unconscious motivation to cling to the behavior and a fear of having to give it up.  Such is the compulsive and deluded nature of addictive behavior.

Honesty, remorse and empathy

Addicts hold the core belief that they are unworthy of love.  They avoid intimacy by losing themselves in their addictive behavior which not only serves to “medicate” anxiety, depression and other negative emotions but also serves to avoid the risk of rejection by an intimate partner.

As addicts recover, they gradually let go of long-standing feelings of shame, fear and inadequacy.  They are more willing to risk real intimacy and let go of their sexual fantasy life.  As they gain a stronger sense of self they become more courageous as well as more genuinely remorseful and empathic.

Honesty with oneself and one’s partner is considered to be an indication of progress in recovery. It is evidence of a new-found ability to connect.  It is both a cause and effect of the healing process.  The addict demonstrates a new more integrated self by being honest with himself and others—even when it’s scary.

In this sense the growing ability to tell our secrets is part of the process of trauma and addiction recovery.  It doesn’t happen all at once.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Adult Children of Sex Addicts: What are the Residual Effects?

Growing up with a sex addict will leave its mark.  These are my thoughts based on my own life experiences and my observations over many decades about the results of having a sex addict for a parent.

As I watched the recently publicized exchange of tweets between Mylie Cyrus and her father I saw a myriad of familiar patterns.  I am not saying that Billie Ray Cyrus is in any way a sex addict.  And I am no doubt reading into the situation, but it seemed to me that there were key elements in their relationship that rang a bell.

There are many different ways for a young person to experience the sex addiction of a parent that are covert and unconscious both on the part of the addict and the child.  My own father was a sex addict (and an actor) and I experienced his addiction indirectly in the subtle objectification of me as well as in his “girlfriend-izing” me and implicitly using me to triangulate with my mother.

Sex addicts place undue emphasis on sex.  Thus sex addicts can communicate the over importance of sex to the child in a myriad of ways. Here are some of the dynamics that play out in such families.

  • Sexualizing the child or young person by making comments about their body or their sexual desirability or even their prospects for sexual relationships later in life.  This can include taking a personal “interest” in the young child’s underwear purchases, “compliments” on their appearance which are sexually toned and so on.
  • Giving added importance to sex by making it totally taboo.  The hiding of sexuality, the refusal to acknowledge it as something to be talked about at all can convey that sex is not only dangerous but more powerful than it really is or needs to be in the young person’s mind.
  • Sexual duplicity is engrained in the child when there is a total denial of whatever is going on sexually and a repressive atmosphere around sex.  The message is that one must lead a double life, compartmentalizing sex and keeping it secret.  This means that the child and family are engaged in a collective form of denial in which there is a façade of normality and “healthiness” with a whole secret life going on.
  • Early exposure to sex either directly or by observation can be traumatic to a child who is not yet developmentally ready to make sense of this information.  At least it can be confusing and troubling and takes away a level of safety that the child needs.
  • Infidelity, whether it is explicitly seen or just going on behind the scenes can place the growing child and adolescent in a number of binds.  The child may be caught in the middle, may be made into a confidante or used as a weapon.  All these things violate the child’s generational boundaries.  The parents are supposed to be the grown-ups who take care of the child, not the other way around.

When I learned of the idea of Mylie and her father “working on” their relationship it reminded me that although this sounds reasonable, the generational boundaries can become blurred in this kind of set-up and lead to serious confusion for the adult child.

I believe the best things that adult children of sex addicts can do are:

  • Realize that your experience growing up was dysfunctional in subtle or overt ways and that this will have an impact on you.  Everyone’s childhood has its own problems, nobody’s early life is flawless.
  • Learn about sex addiction if you want to but don’t become obsessed with your parent’s problems.  If you have insecurities about yourself, your worth, your attractiveness or doubts about ever having a healthy relationship these are things you can work on in your own growth and development.
  • Don’t become over-involved with your parent’s treatment or recovery.  This is their journey and you have your own life to live.  If you get drawn in you are just continuing to re-enact the early inappropriate family patterns.
  • Be open to new models of relationship and intimacy.  What you observed in your parents as a child may have been a distorted role model built to hide, rationalize or adapt to dysfunctional relating.

Notice that your parents may have grown and changed through therapy and treatment.    If your parent seems to have pulled away from you this may just be because they are learning how to play a more appropriate, less enmeshed role with their children.  Understanding this allows you to shuffle the deck in your own life and have some faith that things can work out well for you; that healthy, happy relationships are possible.

Intimacy Disorder: An Addictive Relationship Self-Test

Intimacy disorder and addiction are most often two aspects of the same problem.  While it is true that any addiction can cause relationships to deteriorate, it is also true that sex addicts tend to end up in unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships.

Even sex addicts in good recovery may have many residual problems in approaching intimacy and relationships.  See also my article “Intimacy 101”.

What I am calling addictive relationships are relationships that are usually part of a pattern of negativity, turmoil and alienation.  The majority of the addicts I’ve worked with have grown up in families where their parents were not consistently loving, contented or appropriate with each other or their children.  Often they had addictions of their own.  This dysfunctional model may be all the addict has ever known.

Below is a self-test designed to get you thinking about the intimacy disorder aspect of sex or love addiction.  It is not scientific but it is based on my experience working with addicts.  It is adapted from my recent book Relationships in Recovery: A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over.

  1. My relationships typically start with intense sexual attraction and rapid involvement.
  2. I find it easy to start relationships, but they always get complicated.
  3. I sometimes stay in a relationship because I am afraid of being on my own.
  4. I sometimes placate or manipulate my partner to avoid confronting things.
  5. I find it easy to get into thinking that my partner is to blame.
  6. My partner and I don’t talk about our feelings about the relationship.
  7. Either I feel superior to my partner, or I feel my partner is superior to me.
  8. I am dishonest with my partner at times to avoid upsetting him/her.
  9. When I am in a relationship, my partner and I don’t socialize with friends as a couple very much.
  10. I feel that having a good relationship is hopeless.

You will see that some of these items are characteristic of dysfunctional relationships in general.  But sex addicts will have experienced at least half of them when they have attempted to sustain an intimate bond with a partner.

The intimacy avoidance characteristic of sex and love addicts means that they can’t get close; they are afraid of intimate, honest relating and expect it to bring pain and shame.  They also can’t let go.  They often put up with a bad situation due to their fear of feeling abandoned and inadequate.  Thus addictive relationships are characterized by ambivalence and feeling stuck and hopeless.

The fears, insecurities and low self worth that characterize addicts predictably lead to relationships that are intimacy avoidant.  Addicts growing up did not experience intimate bonds as supportive, validating or safe.

In recovery from sex addiction the addict who is ready to try for a healthier kind of relating will have to do three things:

  • Examine his/her relationship history in detail
  • Come to understand their past relationship style and how it supported the addiction
  • Write a plan for the future which puts rules and boundaries in place for healthier relating

In addition, the recovery from intimacy disorder will involve making an attempt to envision and outline the kind of relationship the sex addict wants for the future.  This vision may be totally new to the addict.  It will involve:

  • Living together in integrity and harmony
  • Giving and providing safety and support
  • Sharing all the parts of oneself including intellectual, social and sexual life
  • Being able to commit and developing a capacity for devotion
  • Willingness to be hurt as part of healthy vulnerability
  • Putting energy into the relationship but being willing to be alone if things don’t work out

In emerging from an intimacy disorder the good news is that relationships can be the most meaningful and enjoyable aspect of your life.  You can continue to grow as you enjoy the fruits of recovery.

When is Cheating a Sexually Addictive Behavior?

As is the case with all sexually addictive behavior, having extramarital affairs can be part of an addiction or not.  Addiction is not defined by the nature of the affair or even necessarily the quantity of affairs.

Sexually addictive behaviors vary widely. But all such behaviors have certain common elements.  These have to do with

  • The way the behavior is conducted
  • The presence of sexual compulsivity in other areas
  • The function it serves in the person’s emotional life,

The way the behavior is conducted

What if one partner in a relationship has a one-time sexual experience while on a business trip?  Let’s suppose this kind of thing has never happened before and the person feels terrible about it.  He or she decides not to do it again (and doesn’t), tells their spouse about it (and whether it was protected sex or not) and does whatever is necessary to reassure the partner or spouse and repair the damage.  In this case the person has done three important things:

  • Has been honest right away
  • Has learned from the experience
  • Has been able to repair his relationship
  • Has made a decision to avoid further betrayal

This is a “pure case” in which the person shows none of the typical responses of the addict.  He knows his priorities and can act on them.  He will be motivated to be honest with his wife about what he wants to do in the future.  For example, he may want the freedom to go to a strip club with his colleagues while on a trip.  If this is OK with his wife then there is no problem.  The same holds true for pornography use; if it is done in moderation, is OK with the spouse, does not harm the relationship etc. then it’s not addictive.

Affairs can be part of a larger set of addictive sexual behaviors

But what if this person in the above example who has the one-time “fling” is also compulsively viewing internet pornography?  What if he is keeping the extent of his porn use from his wife?  Here a clinician would begin to see the affair as part of a larger picture.  Most sex addicts engage in more than one sexually addictive behavior.  If there is a secret sexually compulsive behavior then the affair may be part of the same problem.  And there may be other affairs or behaviors that are hidden.

So the extramarital affair in the context of another sexually addictive behavior or set of behaviors is one way in which it can be categorized as sex addiction.

The function the affair serves

Obviously if the person in a relationship is having repeated affairs and keeping it secret one would suspect that the person is using the affairs as a drug.  Of course some people are just cheaters, people incapable of an intimate commitment or unable to be accountable for their behavior.  These people may be extremely emotionally undeveloped or they may be sociopathic, but they are not sex addicts.

Most sex addicts have a long-standing habit of using their sexually addictive behavior to medicate fears, insecurities, loneliness, or other negative emotions.  You will most likely see that having affairs is being used to:

  • Take the place of vulnerability and openness in a committed relationship
  • Escape self-hate by living out a fantasy role
  • Deal with fears of abandonment by their partner
  • Affirm their worth by proving they are sexually attractive
  • Avoid sex with a real person or a person who is their equal

Low self worth, fear and shame

The common denominators in sexually addictive behavior, including addictive affairs, are low self worth and avoidance of real intimacy.  These things may be especially hard to decipher when the affairs are separated by long periods of time.  Emotional insecurities are also hard to spot in addicts who simply maintain one long affair outside their marriage.

I have seen more than one sex addict who sustained an affair with one person over decades.  In these cases the people qualified as a sex addicts because their affairs represented a deep seated and compulsive need to split off part of themselves from their spouse or partner.

Having secret, separate life strongly suggests that the person is avoiding something threatening or painful in relationships.  The fact that they are long-standing and hidden, strongly suggests that the person feels that this part of his or her life is shameful.

Very likely a thorough professional evaluation will be able to discover whether affairs are part of a larger pattern of addictive behaviors, whether they are being used as a drug to escape from oneself and whether they represent an avoidance of intimate relating with a partner.  Not surprisingly, affair addicts often see that they have a serious problem but fail to identify it as sexual addiction in themselves.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Mistaking Sex for Love: Sex Addiction Symptoms and Relationships

Evaluating people in sexual terms is becoming a more common cultural phenomenon as opposed to just one of the sex addiction symptoms. There are increasingly sexualized imagery appearing across all media.  Cocktail waitresses and centerfolds have always looked sexy, but now our TV news anchor seems to look more and more like a former beauty queen at a singles party. At some point most people can begin to separate love from mere physical lust.  But for sex and love addicts this can be a difficult distinction.  One of the sex addiction symptoms is the avoidance of real intimacy with a partner and the seeking out of an intense “experience” with a fantasy object of some sort. The real relationship in the sex addict’s life, if there is one, is likely to be somewhat alienated, even when there is an apparent feeling of attachment.  This is not universally true of course but often the same addict who says he loves his wife will avidly seek out online encounters with people he barely knows, or build elaborate fantasies around his “relationship” with a sexual masseuse or believe that he will be able to date his favorite stripper.  Many addicts in and out of relationships feel a strong and seemingly delusional pull to connect with people they relate to only sexually and sometimes only in their minds. Sex addiction symptoms and behaviors impact a relationship in that the addict is partly “gone,” and this is what often gives partners and spouses the feeling that something is wrong even when they can’t prove it and the addict denies it. Mistaking sex for love can spread in families Children The culture at large tends to encourage young people to view others (and themselves) increasingly in sexual terms.  Children are exposed to sexually explicit material at younger and younger ages not only in online pornography but also in print media, music videos, movies, TV and gaming.  Hopefully most will grow up to be relatively normal in sexual and relationship terms. What happens to children of sex addicts is that they may be given covert messages about sex that cause confusion.  It does not matter whether the addict is an outwardly puritanical while secretly leading a double life, or whether he is more overtly sexual in his talk and attitudes toward people.  The result is the same for the children.  The message gets through that sex is crucial. In the puritanical message sex is given extreme importance through being seen as too dangerous even to talk openly about. And as Patrick Carnes has pointed out the puritanical façade promotes sexual duplicity as the norm. In the overtly sexual parent there may be much discussion of other people’s looks or sexual attributes or even inappropriate focus on the sexual features or attractiveness of the child or their friends.  This conveys to the growing child or adolescent that they are and will be evaluated and found worthy or not in terms of their sexual appeal. Partners Partners and spouses of sex addicts tend to be lead down the same path in various ways.  If the partner or spouse is a woman she will have experienced the cultural pressure to be sexually “hot” from a very early age.  If a core belief of the addict is that “sex is my most important need” then the woman who is the partner of the addict may internalize the corresponding belief that “sex is the most important sign of love.” Long before discovering the sex addiction, partners of addicts may be conditioned to believe that their value as a woman or spouse is largely in their sexual desirability.   This can be reinforced in many subtle ways by a sex addict. I had a voyeuristic sex and porn addict tell me that he knowingly pointed out attractive men to his wife in order to clear the way for him to fixate on other women.  In this way the addict can normalize his preoccupation with sex both for himself and in his wife’s eyes. Another addict in his 60’s that I worked with fixated on and ogled young girls.  He made frequent comments to his wife about women being old or “long in the tooth,” etc. Sometimes women will begin to be more overt in making sexual comments about other men as a way to restore parity, to get back at the partner, and to defend against her own fear of being sexually evaluated. A word about sexual betrayal Most of the literature on partners of sex addicts emphasizes the fact that of all the sex addiction symptoms the deception, secrecy and breach of trust are seen by partners as the most traumatic aspects of the discovery of betrayal.  But the fact that the betrayal is a seen as a sexual rejection (even if some would say that logically it isn’t) is likely to be experienced as a rejection of the whole relationship. It can and does feel like the end of what is most essential to them and to their bond of love. Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Is “Real” Sex Healthier Than Porn and Cybersex?

Many sex addiction therapists base their thinking on the idea that real or “relational” sex, sex with a real person as opposed to porn, cybersex or masturbation is healthier in some way.  They tend to believe that a preference for non-relational sex is not entirely healthy and that it is often the basis of sexual addiction.

Other clinicians and many people generally feel that it is wrong to place relational sex on a pedestal.

Some think non-relational sex is just as valid a form of sexual expression and feel that the other side is just being moralistic and narrow-minded.  I will look at some of the arguments on either side.

The argument for fantasy sex

  • All sex is about domination fantasies anyway

Experts have argued that all sexual arousal relates in some way to fantasy and that all sexual fantasy has ultimately got something to do with domination and submission.  It doesn’t matter whether you are dominant or submissive, so the argument goes, your arousal relates ultimately to a fantasy involving unequal power.

This argument suggests that there is not so much to choose between the real person and the virtual one if the fantasy content that arouses us sexually is basically the same.

  • All sex can be used for damaging purposes

The pro relational sex folks might argue that relational sex is somehow more humane and less prone to exploitive or criminal behavior.  But the other side would argue that sex with a partner can be just as exploitive and potentially harmful in certain circumstances and that solitary sex such as masturbation to porn or fantasy can be seen as safe and humane.

  • The preference for relational sex is a religious leftover

This argument assumes that if you are not an anything-goes “liberal” then you are a conservative throw-back.  It ignores the fact that there are increasingly arguments coming from the gender justice, humanist and neo-feminist camps that view pornographic fantasies as corrosive on grounds other than traditional ones.  The “liberals” argue that there is nothing wrong with heightening arousal through imagery and fantasies that add an air of mystery or the forbidden and that sexual experimentation is normal and healthy.

The argument for relational sex

  • Deception, secrecy and shame

We don’t blatantly look at pornography in public or engage in cybersex in front of friends and relatives and so there must be something inherently shameful about it.  Although the secrecy may add to the arousal, it can also be construed as promoting a secret life and a splitting off of sexuality from relationships.

Having a secret life is an integral part of sex addiction and so the pro relational sex people might see that what started out as a harmless promoter of fantasy arousal can become a compartmentalized way of life.

  • Cybersex leads to losing track of reality

People who engage in cybersex can present themselves as other than who they really are.  This is based on the problematic belief that no one would want them as they really are.  But this can lead deeper into fantasy life and away from reality.

Sex addicts who engage in behaviors like online relationships, phone sex and even massage parlors and prostitutes can and do become very fantasy ridden about the person they have the make-believe relationship with.  They can become semi-delusional about what is really going on in the “relationship.”

  • Relational sex is more gender equal

A recent article reported that sex in an onging relationship provided more equal satisfaction to both partners in terms of such things as orgasm and equal amounts of giving and receiving of oral sex when compared to having sex with someone you were not dating or just met.

Another line of argument says that sex outside of a real relationship with another person is sexual objectification.  And a host of ill effects of sexual objectification  are talked about; everything from eating disorders to an increase in cosmetic surgery among teens.  See any of the excellent work by professor Robert Jensen like “Pornography is What the End of the World Looks Like.”

There is no question that there are major changes going on in the realm of real and virtual relating as well as changes in the way relationships are established and conducted.  My own feeling is that we are in a period of great turmoil and confusion about where it will all end up.  This in turn breeds overblown fear and polarized attitudes.  But real connecting with another person is a huge part of what makes us human, and I for one believe it’s here to stay.   Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Good Wives? Supporting Your Sex Addict Partner and Yourself

People in the addiction field have long argued that alcoholism, for example, is a “family disease”.  This is often framed in terms of Family Systems Theory  which posits that “This family system is a complex whole that cannot be understood by examining members separately.”  As new forms of compulsive behavior such as sex addiction have been added to the list of addictions, the tendency has been to see these as also being “family diseases”.

But in the field of sex addiction treatment this idea has been challenged of late and the emphasis has shifted away from seeing the partner as part of the same problem to seeing the partner as experiencing serious trauma following the discovery of sex addiction in their significant other.  Many writers and advocates for partners of sex addicts object strenuously to the use of terms like co-dependent or co-addict (see for example).  Some even discourage partners from attending partner 12-step programs (link t) because they may to use the term “co-dependent” and/or encourage examination of the partners’ own role in the problem.

A triple bind

As I see it, many partners of sex addicts are caught in a number of cross-currents.  They want to do what is best for their partner and are often genuinely able to see that the addict is suffering from a “disease” that he or she cannot control.  And yet the spouse is likely to be experiencing a great deal of traumatic stress due to the seriousness of the betrayal and the shattering of their world as they knew it. And in addition, the partner must grapple with how and whether to proceed as a couple (or family).  In other words the partner of a sex addict may be confused about what is best for him (the addict), for me, and for us.

In a nutshell, partners need help and support but they don’t need to be blamed.

How best to support yourself

In my post Discovery of Sex Addiction in a Partner: What to Do First I outlined some of the main steps that partners can take in the initial phase of post discovery crisis.  I think one of the most important points is that the partner is likely to be in a PTSD state and is therefore likely to experiencing strong emotions, confusion and even irrational thinking.  Do not get down on yourself if you do things that seem dumb or crazy in retrospect.

This is to be expected, and it means that getting support and help for yourself will be crucial.  It also means that at this point you may not be a very “good wife” because your focus needs to be on yourself.  Counseling with someone who has expertise in sex addiction, and participation in a partner support group either through a clinic or through a 12-step program is great if you find it works for you.

The pitfalls of any support group are

-that it might make you feel labeled by the term “co-dependent”,

-that it might encourage you to adopt a victim role when that is not what you need, and

-that it could and sometimes does, turn into a gripe session.

On the positive side support groups help you to

-realize you are not alone,

-get validation for what you experience,

-be comforted by others who care about you, and

-pick up a lot of useful information from other partners.

There are a number of websites and blogs specifically for partners and spouses of sex addicts and they are all good and helpful.   Here are just a few of the sites I like are:

Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center

Married to a Sex Addict

Mishka Wife of a Sex Addict

Wife of a Sex Addict

Can you support your partner in a way that is not “co-dependent”?

The answer is clearly “yes”.  Co-dependence can best be thought of as problem solving behaviors that don’t work.  For example, if in the past you sensed there was something wrong in your relationship but didn’t trust your own intuition. You may have decided to avoid a confrontation and accept an explanation that really didn’t hold water.  We do things for all kinds of reasons that may or may not lead to effective action.

I believe the most effective action that partners can take involves using the leverage that they and they alone have to get the addict to accept treatment.  Denial is the norm for sex addicts and they don’t want to give up their addiction.  Spouses and partners are in a unique position to exert the necessary pressure to get the addict to accept help in the first place.  When threats and pleas don’t work, it may mean separating from the relationship for a while.  Whatever gets the addict expert help is a good start.

Additionally, I have seen many sex addicts who have followed through with successful recovery motivated largely by the desire to win back their spouse and rebuild their relationship.  And both partners often find it helpful to work together on recovery once the situation has stabilized.

But ultimately you as a partner need to develop a clear idea of your own boundaries—of what will be acceptable to you in a relationship in the long run and what not.  You do this for yourself but it also benefits your partner.

Dating a Recovering Sex Addict? Bring This Checklist

If you are dating someone who has admitted to a past history of addictive sexual behavior you will need to know what to expect going forward.  If the person you are dating has been in sex addiction treatment for upwards of a year or more, then the chances are that he (or she) will not relapse into the prior behavior.  Or at least will not take up the full-blown version of the compulsive behavior such as cybersex, prostitutes, pornography, anonymous sex, and so on.

Positive signs to look for

You should feel encouraged by signs that the addict is in “good” recovery.  Here are some of the indicators that the person has done the necessary work on himself and is ready for a healthy relationship.

Recovery history: The addict has had some combination of appropriate treatment and self help support programs such as therapy with a certified sex addiction therapist, treatment in a residential or intensive outpatient program if needed, group therapy, 12-step group participation.

Commitment to growth: The addict makes his own recovery a high priority in his life.  He continues to work on himself and to be engaged with other people in recovery.  You feel in your “gut” that you can trust him to be aware of and take responsibility for his own continued growth.

Insight: The addict is aware of what went wrong in his past relationships and understands how he retreated into his addiction, avoided intimacy, and hurt his partner.  He understands that the relationship dynamics of the past are no longer what he wants.

Healthy communication: The addict is open and honest about what he feels and communicates his needs.  He doesn’t heap blame on his past partners or project blame onto you.  He takes responsibility when he is wrong.

Problems to expect

Sex addicts can be expected to have residual intimacy issues.  They come out of the initial stage of recovery vastly changed in many ways, but they will still be fearful of relationships will have imperfect relationship skills.

Bonding problems: Addicts often have had early attachment issues with parents or grown up without ever having any appropriate models of healthy bonding.  They may fear abandonment and feel that commitment is dangerous.  If this is a problem they need to work on it in therapy.

Other addictions: Addicts seldom have just one addiction.  Researchers have found that 83% of sex addicts interviewed had at least one other addictive behavior.

Subtle acting out behaviors: It is not unusual for subtle mini-behaviors to creep in such as contacting an old girlfriend “to catch up,” or looking at “harmless” videos on facebook or ads on craigslist.  These things may not mean anything but sometimes they can be driven by the addiction in unconscious ways.  They may seem eminently “deniable.”

Issues around sex:  The recovering sex addict will often have had little or no experience with healthy sexual relationships.  He may be ambivalent or avoidant about sex.  Sometimes the addict will try to bring addictive behaviors into the relationship in some way.  This may or may not be OK with you.

What to do?

Ask a lot of questions:  Don’t be afraid to pry.  Make sure you get the details of the addicts sexual acting out behavior.  Many times addicts will give people a “sanitized” version of what their lives were like before.  Often they will leave out a whole set of behaviors that they are to embarrassed to talk about.  You need to know these things even if you don’t think you want to.

Don’t be placated:  Addicts have spent many years not talking about things and just saying whatever they think someone wants to hear.  This means they haven’t ever gotten used to talking about their feelings and needs with anyone.  Let your addict know when he is not being open and when he seems to be putting you off.  He needs to practice asking for what he wants.

Be clear about what you want:  Set appropriate boundaries for yourself including what you are OK with sexually.  Protect yourself and decide what your limits are. Likewise be clear about what you want in a relationship and make sure you ask your addict what he is looking for in a relationship.  This is not being pushy, it’s important.

Get connected: Talk to other people or go to one of the many websites that deal with partners of sex addicts and get as much support and information as you can.  Educate yourself about sex addiction, and if the relationship gets serious, feel free to make an appointment wit a certified sex addiction therapist to discuss things.  Getting therapy together at some point is never a bad idea.

Nothing is for sure when it comes to relationships but dating someone in good recovery, particularly if you have done some work on yourself, can be very rewarding.  You may end up in the best relationship ever.  But if so that will be because you too are committed to learning and growing.  One thing is for sure: relationships are to learn from.