Relapses and Slips in Porn and Sex Addiction

It is accepted among those of us who work with porn and sex addiction that there will be relapses or “slips” at some point in the first year or so of recovery.  Internet pornography in particular is notoriously hard to quit.

Sex addiction is  clever and devious.  It wants to find a way to come out and play.  So even when the addict is totally abstinent from his or her “bottom line” behaviors (behaviors that the addict has identified as the ones that need to be out of bounds) the addict may engage in other watered down kinds of behavior to get a “hit.”  For example, the addict who wants to quit internet pornography may find himself watching movies that have a significant amount of sexual content or looking at YouTube or Facebook videos that are suggestive or outright sexual.

But in early recovery addicts are likely to repeat even their bottom line sexually addictive behavior at some point.  So when is this something to be concerned about? When should it be called a slip and when should it be seen as an out-and-out relapse?

When is it just a slip?

What is counted as a slip is doing the addictive behavior (e.g. going to a strip club, watching porn, engaging in cybersex, having a sexual hook-up with a stranger, or getting together with an old affair partner).  It is not doing the things that lead up to the bottom line behavior but it is actually doing something that is what you have decided not to do any more.  (Slips will usually count as sexual acting out and will mean changing your sobriety date.)  What I believe makes it a “slip” rather than a relapse is:

  • You perform the sexually addictive behavior without planning to.  You did not enter the situation consciously intending to do the behavior.  It “just happened” and you may feel a certain shock at finding yourself in the situation.
  • You do the behavior only once.  You realize immediately what you have done and you get out of the situation before you do it again.  You turn off the computer, you hang up the phone, you get rid of the person’s contact information etc.
  • You talk about it with someone like a sponsor, counselor or recovery partner and you describe it in your regular 12-step meeting right away.  You do not attempt to hide it or minimize it.
  • You figure out what you need to learn from the slip. This means that you use the slip to gain a better understanding of the circumstances that can lead up to you slipping.  Do you have to plan your day or evening more carefully? Should you be more aware of slippery situations like business trips?  You will need to anticipate known stressors or other things that constitute your “relapse scenario” as it is called.
  • You may change your recovery plan in response to the slip.  You might decide to put additional behaviors, people or activities, such as browsing singles ads, into your list of bottom line behaviors so that you see them as relevant to your staying abstinent.   You may also consider whether other addictions such as alcohol or drug use have played a role in your slip and consider addressing them more strenuously.  And you may want to consult with a doctor if appropriate when you believe you may have psychological issues or need medication to stay emotionally stable enough.

Avoiding Relapse

If you respond to the incident of sexual acting out in the way described above you will have gone a long way to avoiding a full on relapse in which you continue the acting out behavior.  Often people have a slip and decide that it is a relapse.  They therefore feel “What the heck! I’ve already blown it; I might as well go all the way.”  This is using the slip as an excuse to keep acting out.  But the fact is a slip does not mean that you have blown your program.  It is an opportunity to make your program better and to learn about yourself.  If you use it.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Is Masturbation OK in Recovery From Sexually Addictive Behaviors?

Masturbation  can present a problem for people with sexually addictive behaviors.

I would not encourage anyone to see masturbation as inherently bad or a problem, and yet there are some people who would see any sexual activity outside of marital sex, even masturbation as wrong.  If you hold such a view on religious or other  grounds, then you may see masturbation as wrong no matter what.

But since I do not hold such a view I distinguish between those situations in which masturbation is harmless and those in which it can complicate things for someone attempting to recover from sex addiction.

When is masturbation counter-productive?

In the early months (or maybe years) of recovery I believe it is a good idea for sex addicts to abstain from masturbation, regardless of whether compulsive masturbation is one of their sexually addictive behaviors or not.  Here are some situations where Masturbation can reinforce addictive patterns.

  • Masturbation can itself be a compulsion, meaning that it is being used to excess and as a drug.  For some sex addicts masturbation is their primary sexually addictive behavior.  Often it is done in conjunction with porn use but sometimes it is done using fantasy alone.  Compulsive masturbation often starts early in life and continues into adulthood.  The addict will often develop a pattern of masturbating numerous times per day.  In order to be free of this compulsion and lead a more normal sex and relationship life in recovery, the addict will need to “kick” the habit and allow their brain chemistry to return to normal functioning.  This means total abstinence for a period of time during treatment and recovery.
  • Masturbation can be part of a pattern of other sexually addictive behaviors.  Masturbation often accompanies other sexually addictive behaviors built around fantasy such as compulsive cybersex, sexual chat,  voyeurism, and exhibitionism.  The masturbation may be done at the time of the other behavior or it may be done later using the stimulus of the memory of the event.  In this case the behavior of masturbating is tied to whatever pattern of addictive acting out behavior exists and provides the sexual gratification for which the other behavior is the stimulus.  At least initially, the addict cannot quit one behavior without quitting both.
  • Masturbation in early recovery can prevent the process of withdrawal and lead to relapse.  Since the addict’s “arousal template” as it is called, is one of addictive sexual acting out of one type or another, it is likely that any form of sexual stimulation, at least in the beginning of recovery, can lead back to cravings and urges for the addict’s preferred sexually addictive behaviors.  Even if the addict has never masturbated compulsively, masturbating in recovery can bring on cravings for other behaviors, behaviors like anonymous sex, prostitutes, etc.   I takes a long time in treatment for the unhealthy urges and fantasies to subside or at least be less powerful.  Instead of allowing the addictive pattern to weaken, masturbation may be like taking small amounts of the drug, thus prolonging the process of withdrawal.

When is masturbation a useful part of recovery?

After a sex addict has established a period of abstinence from all sexually addictive behaviors, it is possible that masturbation can be engaged in in a normal way that does not threaten their sexual sobriety.  This is very much a subjective and individual decision to be arrived at by the addict and their sponsor or counselor.

  • Masturbation can become a more healthy activity that is not a compulsion and is not tied to another sexually addictive behavior.   It may be that the addict will find it a useful way to explore and check in with the fantasies that have driven their addiction and the memories or traumatic events that have shaped their sexuality in the past.
  • Sometimes addicts can actively change the content of their masturbation fantasies to experiment with different and healthier mental stimuli.  Some addicts masturbate while thinking about their spouse or partner.
  • Or addicts may simply be able to enjoy occasional masturbation as a positive, private experience that is different from their relational sex but is not part of a compulsion or an addictive pattern.

But many times masturbation loses it’s charm for sex addicts once they have given up their sexually addictive behaviors and no longer crave the hyper-arousal that their addictive fantasies provided.

 

Too Good-Looking, Too Smart, or Too Rich (to give up Sexually Addictive Behaviors)

There is an old recovery saying that you can’t get sober if you are too smart, too rich or too good-looking.   Clinicians working with clients who have sexually addictive behaviors know that these attributes can sometimes present challenges.

I’m not saying that looks brains and money lead to sexually addictive behaviors but I can see some of the ways they might operate to prevent the addict getting better.

Narcissism

There is no longer any doubt that success (fame, money adoration) can cause what is known as “acquired situational narcissism.”  Narcissism is a false sense of self worth which can be bolstered and encouraged by massive amounts of positive feedback from others.  This feedback promotes narcissistic self-centeredness, lack of empathy for others and over-entitlement. (See also my blog Narcissism, Sex, Power and Herman Cain.)

Any sex addict can adopt a narcissistic defense system but the process is magnified if the person is rich, beautiful, etc.  The greater the narcissistic self-importance the greater the sense of being exempt from the ordinary rules that govern behavior.

If this superiority is constantly reinforced then the addict has a hard time getting a grip on reality.  His attitude is “I’m special, I’m allowed; even my flaws aren’t flaws.”

Masking shame

Most addicts feel some level of guilt or shame about their sexually addictive behavior.  After engaging in a behavior like repeated visits to prostitutes or sexual massage parlors or the wasting of hours on internet porn and masturbation most addicts go through a period of feeling let down.  They have engaged in an out of control behavior that they must keep secret and they soothe the feelings of self-loathing in any way they can.  Often they use other drugs to numb the feelings.

The problem for the rich successful or beautiful person is that they can use these assets as tools with which to numb or mask their negative emotions and restore their facade of self worth.  The more easily the addict can dodge the feelings of self-hate, the more easily they can avoid coming face to face with their own double life.

Normalizing sexually addictive behavior

Normalizing is one of the defenses invoked by most sex addicts but with the brilliant, beautiful or rich addict it is particularly useful in certain cases.  Take the guy who engages in repeated seduction, predatory flirting, workplace harassment or serial affairs.  If he is successful or good-looking he can much more easily excuse his behavior by saying “I can’t help it, women just come on to me—what am I supposed to do?”

In this case the special attributes can function to keep the addict in denial.  Special levels of status or achievement can be seen as justifying behavior which would be reprehensible in mere mortals.  “Beauty is life’s Easy Pass,” as a New Yorker cartoon put it.  Or in the words of Henry Kissinger, “Power is an aphrodisiac.”

Never hitting bottom

For the very good-looking, smart or rich addict can to a great extent use their special advantages to avoid or greatly minimize the adverse consequences of their behavior.  These attributes give them power and that power allows them to maintain the status quo.  They may never have to confront the reality of what is wrong with their way of life let alone what they have done to others.

The very smart, successful or powerful addict will have a hard time accepting the basic fact of his or her powerlessness over the addiction.  The very smart addict is used to relying on his ability to think his way out of a problem.  There is nothing he can’t solve.  Therefore he doesn’t need to rely on others, doesn’t need to take direction or work a program.  He’s got the answers, or so he believes.

Those around the addict face a dilemma

Attractive high-achieving people often do have many strengths.  Their intelligence, attractiveness and resources can be used in a positive way to help them overcome sexually addictive behaviors.  But as a therapist—or even as a friend, colleague or partner it is  important to notice when these traits are being used in the service of self-delusion and be prepared to confront the addict directly about it.

Adult Children of Sex Addicts: What are the Residual Effects?

Growing up with a sex addict will leave its mark.  These are my thoughts based on my own life experiences and my observations over many decades about the results of having a sex addict for a parent.

As I watched the recently publicized exchange of tweets between Mylie Cyrus and her father I saw a myriad of familiar patterns.  I am not saying that Billie Ray Cyrus is in any way a sex addict.  And I am no doubt reading into the situation, but it seemed to me that there were key elements in their relationship that rang a bell.

There are many different ways for a young person to experience the sex addiction of a parent that are covert and unconscious both on the part of the addict and the child.  My own father was a sex addict (and an actor) and I experienced his addiction indirectly in the subtle objectification of me as well as in his “girlfriend-izing” me and implicitly using me to triangulate with my mother.

Sex addicts place undue emphasis on sex.  Thus sex addicts can communicate the over importance of sex to the child in a myriad of ways. Here are some of the dynamics that play out in such families.

  • Sexualizing the child or young person by making comments about their body or their sexual desirability or even their prospects for sexual relationships later in life.  This can include taking a personal “interest” in the young child’s underwear purchases, “compliments” on their appearance which are sexually toned and so on.
  • Giving added importance to sex by making it totally taboo.  The hiding of sexuality, the refusal to acknowledge it as something to be talked about at all can convey that sex is not only dangerous but more powerful than it really is or needs to be in the young person’s mind.
  • Sexual duplicity is engrained in the child when there is a total denial of whatever is going on sexually and a repressive atmosphere around sex.  The message is that one must lead a double life, compartmentalizing sex and keeping it secret.  This means that the child and family are engaged in a collective form of denial in which there is a façade of normality and “healthiness” with a whole secret life going on.
  • Early exposure to sex either directly or by observation can be traumatic to a child who is not yet developmentally ready to make sense of this information.  At least it can be confusing and troubling and takes away a level of safety that the child needs.
  • Infidelity, whether it is explicitly seen or just going on behind the scenes can place the growing child and adolescent in a number of binds.  The child may be caught in the middle, may be made into a confidante or used as a weapon.  All these things violate the child’s generational boundaries.  The parents are supposed to be the grown-ups who take care of the child, not the other way around.

When I learned of the idea of Mylie and her father “working on” their relationship it reminded me that although this sounds reasonable, the generational boundaries can become blurred in this kind of set-up and lead to serious confusion for the adult child.

I believe the best things that adult children of sex addicts can do are:

  • Realize that your experience growing up was dysfunctional in subtle or overt ways and that this will have an impact on you.  Everyone’s childhood has its own problems, nobody’s early life is flawless.
  • Learn about sex addiction if you want to but don’t become obsessed with your parent’s problems.  If you have insecurities about yourself, your worth, your attractiveness or doubts about ever having a healthy relationship these are things you can work on in your own growth and development.
  • Don’t become over-involved with your parent’s treatment or recovery.  This is their journey and you have your own life to live.  If you get drawn in you are just continuing to re-enact the early inappropriate family patterns.
  • Be open to new models of relationship and intimacy.  What you observed in your parents as a child may have been a distorted role model built to hide, rationalize or adapt to dysfunctional relating.

Notice that your parents may have grown and changed through therapy and treatment.    If your parent seems to have pulled away from you this may just be because they are learning how to play a more appropriate, less enmeshed role with their children.  Understanding this allows you to shuffle the deck in your own life and have some faith that things can work out well for you; that healthy, happy relationships are possible.

Good Wives? Supporting Your Sex Addict Partner and Yourself

People in the addiction field have long argued that alcoholism, for example, is a “family disease”.  This is often framed in terms of Family Systems Theory  which posits that “This family system is a complex whole that cannot be understood by examining members separately.”  As new forms of compulsive behavior such as sex addiction have been added to the list of addictions, the tendency has been to see these as also being “family diseases”.

But in the field of sex addiction treatment this idea has been challenged of late and the emphasis has shifted away from seeing the partner as part of the same problem to seeing the partner as experiencing serious trauma following the discovery of sex addiction in their significant other.  Many writers and advocates for partners of sex addicts object strenuously to the use of terms like co-dependent or co-addict (see for example).  Some even discourage partners from attending partner 12-step programs (link t) because they may to use the term “co-dependent” and/or encourage examination of the partners’ own role in the problem.

A triple bind

As I see it, many partners of sex addicts are caught in a number of cross-currents.  They want to do what is best for their partner and are often genuinely able to see that the addict is suffering from a “disease” that he or she cannot control.  And yet the spouse is likely to be experiencing a great deal of traumatic stress due to the seriousness of the betrayal and the shattering of their world as they knew it. And in addition, the partner must grapple with how and whether to proceed as a couple (or family).  In other words the partner of a sex addict may be confused about what is best for him (the addict), for me, and for us.

In a nutshell, partners need help and support but they don’t need to be blamed.

How best to support yourself

In my post Discovery of Sex Addiction in a Partner: What to Do First I outlined some of the main steps that partners can take in the initial phase of post discovery crisis.  I think one of the most important points is that the partner is likely to be in a PTSD state and is therefore likely to experiencing strong emotions, confusion and even irrational thinking.  Do not get down on yourself if you do things that seem dumb or crazy in retrospect.

This is to be expected, and it means that getting support and help for yourself will be crucial.  It also means that at this point you may not be a very “good wife” because your focus needs to be on yourself.  Counseling with someone who has expertise in sex addiction, and participation in a partner support group either through a clinic or through a 12-step program is great if you find it works for you.

The pitfalls of any support group are

-that it might make you feel labeled by the term “co-dependent”,

-that it might encourage you to adopt a victim role when that is not what you need, and

-that it could and sometimes does, turn into a gripe session.

On the positive side support groups help you to

-realize you are not alone,

-get validation for what you experience,

-be comforted by others who care about you, and

-pick up a lot of useful information from other partners.

There are a number of websites and blogs specifically for partners and spouses of sex addicts and they are all good and helpful.   Here are just a few of the sites I like are:

Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center

Married to a Sex Addict

Mishka Wife of a Sex Addict

Wife of a Sex Addict

Can you support your partner in a way that is not “co-dependent”?

The answer is clearly “yes”.  Co-dependence can best be thought of as problem solving behaviors that don’t work.  For example, if in the past you sensed there was something wrong in your relationship but didn’t trust your own intuition. You may have decided to avoid a confrontation and accept an explanation that really didn’t hold water.  We do things for all kinds of reasons that may or may not lead to effective action.

I believe the most effective action that partners can take involves using the leverage that they and they alone have to get the addict to accept treatment.  Denial is the norm for sex addicts and they don’t want to give up their addiction.  Spouses and partners are in a unique position to exert the necessary pressure to get the addict to accept help in the first place.  When threats and pleas don’t work, it may mean separating from the relationship for a while.  Whatever gets the addict expert help is a good start.

Additionally, I have seen many sex addicts who have followed through with successful recovery motivated largely by the desire to win back their spouse and rebuild their relationship.  And both partners often find it helpful to work together on recovery once the situation has stabilized.

But ultimately you as a partner need to develop a clear idea of your own boundaries—of what will be acceptable to you in a relationship in the long run and what not.  You do this for yourself but it also benefits your partner.

Dating a Recovering Sex Addict? Bring This Checklist

If you are dating someone who has admitted to a past history of addictive sexual behavior you will need to know what to expect going forward.  If the person you are dating has been in sex addiction treatment for upwards of a year or more, then the chances are that he (or she) will not relapse into the prior behavior.  Or at least will not take up the full-blown version of the compulsive behavior such as cybersex, prostitutes, pornography, anonymous sex, and so on.

Positive signs to look for

You should feel encouraged by signs that the addict is in “good” recovery.  Here are some of the indicators that the person has done the necessary work on himself and is ready for a healthy relationship.

Recovery history: The addict has had some combination of appropriate treatment and self help support programs such as therapy with a certified sex addiction therapist, treatment in a residential or intensive outpatient program if needed, group therapy, 12-step group participation.

Commitment to growth: The addict makes his own recovery a high priority in his life.  He continues to work on himself and to be engaged with other people in recovery.  You feel in your “gut” that you can trust him to be aware of and take responsibility for his own continued growth.

Insight: The addict is aware of what went wrong in his past relationships and understands how he retreated into his addiction, avoided intimacy, and hurt his partner.  He understands that the relationship dynamics of the past are no longer what he wants.

Healthy communication: The addict is open and honest about what he feels and communicates his needs.  He doesn’t heap blame on his past partners or project blame onto you.  He takes responsibility when he is wrong.

Problems to expect

Sex addicts can be expected to have residual intimacy issues.  They come out of the initial stage of recovery vastly changed in many ways, but they will still be fearful of relationships will have imperfect relationship skills.

Bonding problems: Addicts often have had early attachment issues with parents or grown up without ever having any appropriate models of healthy bonding.  They may fear abandonment and feel that commitment is dangerous.  If this is a problem they need to work on it in therapy.

Other addictions: Addicts seldom have just one addiction.  Researchers have found that 83% of sex addicts interviewed had at least one other addictive behavior.

Subtle acting out behaviors: It is not unusual for subtle mini-behaviors to creep in such as contacting an old girlfriend “to catch up,” or looking at “harmless” videos on facebook or ads on craigslist.  These things may not mean anything but sometimes they can be driven by the addiction in unconscious ways.  They may seem eminently “deniable.”

Issues around sex:  The recovering sex addict will often have had little or no experience with healthy sexual relationships.  He may be ambivalent or avoidant about sex.  Sometimes the addict will try to bring addictive behaviors into the relationship in some way.  This may or may not be OK with you.

What to do?

Ask a lot of questions:  Don’t be afraid to pry.  Make sure you get the details of the addicts sexual acting out behavior.  Many times addicts will give people a “sanitized” version of what their lives were like before.  Often they will leave out a whole set of behaviors that they are to embarrassed to talk about.  You need to know these things even if you don’t think you want to.

Don’t be placated:  Addicts have spent many years not talking about things and just saying whatever they think someone wants to hear.  This means they haven’t ever gotten used to talking about their feelings and needs with anyone.  Let your addict know when he is not being open and when he seems to be putting you off.  He needs to practice asking for what he wants.

Be clear about what you want:  Set appropriate boundaries for yourself including what you are OK with sexually.  Protect yourself and decide what your limits are. Likewise be clear about what you want in a relationship and make sure you ask your addict what he is looking for in a relationship.  This is not being pushy, it’s important.

Get connected: Talk to other people or go to one of the many websites that deal with partners of sex addicts and get as much support and information as you can.  Educate yourself about sex addiction, and if the relationship gets serious, feel free to make an appointment wit a certified sex addiction therapist to discuss things.  Getting therapy together at some point is never a bad idea.

Nothing is for sure when it comes to relationships but dating someone in good recovery, particularly if you have done some work on yourself, can be very rewarding.  You may end up in the best relationship ever.  But if so that will be because you too are committed to learning and growing.  One thing is for sure: relationships are to learn from.

Why do Therapists Tell You to “Sit with Your Feelings”?

This is one of those therapy clichés that never worked for me.  Since it refers to negative feelings, it always sounded unreasonable to ask people to sit there feeling angry or sad and not try to do something to feel better.  And yet it is routinely said to our sex addict patients and to patients in general.

If we are going to tell someone to sit with their feelings I think we owe it to them to tell them what this means and why it might help.  Sometimes it’s good to escape from your feelings and sometimes it’s better to delve more deeply into them.

When to escape your feelings

Feeling bad feelings is not helpful in and of itself.  In fact it may be stressful and if it continues could potentially take a toll on your functioning, your sex addiction treatment, your relationships and your heath.

If feeling miserable has become a way of life and you have allowed being unhappy to become part of your identity then there is probably something that needs to change. The same is true for feeling resentful or rebellious all the time.  Negative feelings are not productive if you let them become part of the definition of who you are. In these cases escape means getting help.

On an everyday level feelings are just feelings.  They come and they go and it doesn’t do any good to get alarmed by them or to get down on yourself about them.  By and large you can escape the minor irritations and disappointments that occur by just getting involved with something else or waiting until they pass.  You didn’t get to the phone in time, you burned the toast.  Oh well, you say, and you get on with your day.  Managing the ebb and flow of feelings is part of having good adaptive skills.

If you are saddened by the suffering in the world it may motivate you to become active in a cause.  But if you cannot escape the feelings of despondency and the preoccupation that feeds them you will be harming yourself. You will not be helping others by leading a miserable or unfulfilling life.

When to become more deeply aware of your feelings

One way to think of addictions like drugs,  gambling or sex is that they serve the function of numbing negative feelings.  All addictions start out as ways to avoid or eliminate pain and unpleasant emotions.

When someone is in sex addiction treatment, one of the treatment strategies is to get them to be willing to become aware of the feelings (like fear, resentment, self-loathing) that they are trying to medicate through the addiction.  We do this by getting them to give up the addictive drug or behavior and connecting the dots that will allow them to understand and let go of the feelings.  To do this they need to feel the feeling however painful.

Apart from working through ghosts of the past, this process also allows you to see that feelings won’t kill you and that you can in fact do quite well without medicating them in your usual way.

But there are other good reasons outside of the therapy situation, to allow yourself to fully feel whatever it is that you are feeling.

Knowing what you feel right now, good or bad, is part of knowing who you are at this moment.  It is the most basic way to be mindful, and mindful presence is what allows you to be fully yourself in the moment.

Being honest with yourself is better for you.  Trying to suppress what you really feel involves effort and stress.  Allowing yourself to just experience what you feel whether or not you express it or do anything about it is actually physically more healthful.

Being “in denial” about what you feel is harmful in another way.  Denial is a kind of self delusion and the delusion doesn’t just stop with denying your feelings; it tends to spread to other areas of life and it means that you don’t fully live in reality.

Last but not least, feeling negative feelings allows us to connect not only with ourselves but with other people.  We can connect romantically or intellectually but it is connecting on the level of our deepest feelings that allows us to truly know and be known.  Furthermore it is the basis of empathy.  The closer we get to our feelings the more we are on solid ground as far as our relation to our partner and all of those we care about.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource.

Intimacy After Sex Addiction Treatment: 5 Frequently Asked Questions

If you are in a relationship with someone who has been in sex addiction treatment you will have a lot of legitimate confusion and uncertainty.   Here are some of the questions I have heard most frequently.

Has he told me everything?

There is a serious chance that a sex addict who is in pretty good recovery may be holding back, some big or little fact about his sex addiction history.  As much as we would like for sex addicts in treatment to disclose everything that is relevant, there may be some information that they feel they simply cannot reveal, or at least not yet.  There is bound to be some residual shame about their addictive behavior and some fear that a particular fact would be a “deal breaker” for you.  If you can be non-judgmental and supportive, the addict will eventually feel safer telling everything.  But if you want to know it all, you should let the addict know that the whole truth is important to you.

Can I trust him not to cheat on me?

If having extra-curricular affairs was one of the addict’s sexually addictive behaviors, and assuming he has committed to avoiding this behavior then you probably can assume that he will not go out and start another affair.  But there is a caveat.  Addicts in recovery often find miniature ways of acting out their old behaviors.  He may flirt excessively, he may contact an old girlfriend online or he may have work relationships with women that are “just friends.”  These are things that are not a good idea for a recovering addict as they are ways of sneaking around the rules to get a “hit,” not to mention they will drive you crazy.  Someone he trusts needs to point this out to the sex addict when it happens because he will be unlikely to see it on his own.

Will he enjoy sex with me?

Your sex life may be perfectly fine.  However, for some addicts it is difficult to adjust to sex with a partner once they have stopped using sex as a “drug”.  The addict may even become sexually avoidant to some degree.  Sex with a partner can initially seem uninteresting to an addict who is used to the adrenaline rush of acting out.  And the addict may have insecurities about whether he or she will be sexually adequate, insecurities which were always there but which were submerged in the addiction.  The addict may be tempted to bring some addictive fantasies into your sex life, familiar thoughts and behaviors and role-playing that the addict found arousing in the past. This can be totally OK (if it’s comfortable for you both) but it can also be slippery territory for the addict; it is a judgment call and it’s important to talk about it together.

What are the signs of relapse?

The signs of possible relapse are many, but one of the most obvious is the addict’s letting go of his or her commitment to their recovery and continued growth.  Lessening of the total devotion to sex addiction treatment may be expected, but if the addict becomes too cavalier about being “cured” he may be at risk.  Another problem area is that of other addictions, which may surface and lead back to the sexual addiction.  Addicts may drink more, get too wrapped up in work or engage in other activities addictively.   If the addict begins using another substance or behavior as a drug this can lead back to sexual acting out.

Will we be able to feel intimate?

Regaining trust and intimacy is a long process.  It is necessary to be very patient and supportive with one another and not to panic.  Sex addiction is often called an “intimacy disorder” and this means that sex addicts have to gradually learn how to express things like nurturance and devotion.  Over the long haul, sex addiction treatment involves learning  how to be honest with a partner and how to feel safe being who you are, with all your imperfections and fears.  This level of honesty will ultimately lead to a closer, safer bond for both of you.  The addict (and you) will come to feel that you are going to be OK even if the relationship should end and that it is necessary to stop hiding and lying even if it means you risk everything.  I like the saying that your love should be unconditional, meaning you don’t have to sit in judgment, but that whether you choose to stay in the relationship is conditional.

Sex Addicts Need Healthy Narcissism

We are all getting pretty good a spotting unhealthy narcissism.  This is the narcissism that is often characteristic of sex addicts and that represents a kind of façade or false self.  The person is grandiose and self absorbed but underneath they feel unworthy and are deeply insecure.

The thing that distinguishes unhealthy narcissism is the lack of an underlying sense of self worth.  The person has a brittle narcissistic defense system which crumbles when the person gets negative feedback or when they are shown up or thwarted.  When the bubble bursts in this way, the narcissistic addict responds either with rage or with an orgy of self hatred, which can even turn suicidal.

The sex addict with a narcissistic defense system feels “I have to be the greatest or it’s all over.”  They are either feeling contempt for everyone else or they are feeling contempt for themselves.  These are two sides of the same coin.

What is healthy narcissism?

Healthy narcissism is not the same as self-esteem.  As I have argued previously, the concept of self-esteem involves judging ourselves, usually from the perspective of what others might think, and often from outward traits and accomplishments.  Self esteem, like unhealthy narcissism, is either high or low.

  • Healthy narcissism has no opposite.  It is an abiding feeling of inherent worthiness and value.  You may succeed or fail, you may do something you regret, and you may even decide to work on your issues and change, but you still feel OK about being you.
  • You feel good in your body and enjoy using your body for activity and pleasure.  You can even enjoy looking good, dressing and decorating your body and can do so without judging yourself or feeling self-conscious.
  • You have the ability to protect yourself from that which is harmful or dangerous to you.  You have an essential sense of your own emotional and physical integrity.  This in turn is a feeling of empowerment and safety in relating to people.
  • You are OK with your successes.  You are neither ashamed of them nor do you let them define you.  You don’t limit yourself from doing as well as you can do and reaching the heights that you can reach in terms of fulfilling your destiny, making money or whatever to try to do.  You don’t feel guilty about getting ahead.

Couples confronting sex addiction need healthy narcissism

Both partners in a couple need be narcissistic in a healthy way.  Particularly when confronting sex addiction, both partners will need to regain their sense of their own value and their own right to feel safe and empowered.  Regaining a basic sense of self worth supports the couple’s recovery.

  • Shame is a key feature of sex addiction for both partners and overcoming shame will involve feeling that although something you did was wrong or something that happened was wrong, you are not wrong.  You are worthwhile and not deserving of shame.
  • Couples in recovery need to learn to maintain boundaries that may never have been there to begin with.  Healthy narcissism means protecting yourself , feeling that you have the right to ask for what you want, and being assertive instead of aggressive.
  • Overcoming sexual addiction means learning to enjoy yourself physically to the fullest.  Caring for your body, enjoying your body and enjoying your sexuality will be growing over time in recovery for both partners.

Sex addicts in recovery will be engaging the world in a more confident way as their negative core beliefs about themselves subside.  This may take many forms but will often involve feeling entitled to fulfill your potential, feeling confident in situations that used to intimidate you and feeling important, not because you are superior but just because you are you.  Oh alright, you can go ahead and pat yourself on the back for all that great progress you’ve made!

Partners Need to Know the Secrets and Lies of Sex Addiction

People generally do not want to disclose their sex addiction to their intimate partner.  And yet in sex addiction treatment we believe that couples cannot begin the process of recovery as long as the addict is still keeping secrets or telling lies.  Hence the saying in treatment circles:

“Tell it all, tell it soon!”

This is not to say that we cannot have a private inner life or that we have to tell our spouse or partner everything we think or do.  But telling the truth about sex addiction is an essential part of recovery.  It is essential for the addict, for the partner and for the relationship.

When disclosure is not necessary

Disclosing the full extent of a sex addiction is not generally advised when the couple are planning to divorce or separate.  Couples in the process of separation and divorce are dealing with a lot of emotional and real life upheaval.  The disclosure of the details of sexual betrayal may be detrimental to the process of separating.  It can fan the fires of resentment and conflict around settlement and custody issues.  Often a partial disclosure has taken place which is part of the reason for the divorce.  Disclosure can add to the traumatization of the partner who already feels betrayed, without serving any useful purpose.

Disclosing to a partner is often partial and disorganized

Partial disclosure, or disclosing in “stages,” is the norm although it is not considered a good idea.  The addict feels the pressure to come clean but wants to hold back some facts about the sex addiction, usually those that are most damaging or shameful.  The addict who has been partially found out is in a crisis state and is most often very afraid of abandonment by a partner.  The feeling is that if the spouse or partner knew everything they would surely leave.  This is not necessarily a true or rational idea.

However, full disclosure sets the stage not only for the addict to begin a new way of living but for the relationship to begin on a new basis of honesty and trust.  Every time another little piece of information about the addict’s past behavior trickles out it makes the partner feel like it is just more than they can take.  This is because the partner feels the dishonesty may have no end.

The commitment to truthfulness going forward

Holding on to secrets is a sign that the addict is not in very good recovery.  “Rigorous honesty” is considered to be at the heart of the 12-step model of addiction recovery.  There is a level of self hate and shame in the addict who feels he cannot be honest.  He is continuing to act on the core belief that if someone really knew him they could never love him.  It is a way to hang onto control but it is unfair.

Dishonesty about who we are sexually is a way to keep ourselves apart from our partner.  It is a fatal barrier to true intimacy, which involves allowing ourselves to be known.  It also gives the addict unequal power.

To the partner, the fact that they do not know what is going on or has gone on means that not only do they not know their addict partner very well but they do not have a view of their life that is based in reality.  Partners cannot find contentment and happiness if their reality is being manipulated by someone else.

What not to disclose

The optimal way to disclose the facts of a sex addiction to a partner is thought to be through a “planned disclosure.”  This is one where the couple prepare separately with their counselors and carry out the disclosure in the presence of a treating professional.

As part of the preparation, the partner or spouse will decide what it is they want to hear.  This is very important.  The addict may want to tell more than the partner wants to know.  The addict will have to take direction from the partner as to what to disclose.  For example, the partner may or may not want to know how many times the addict did a certain thing, or with whom, or what the details of the act were.

Planned full disclosure may be the ideal, but people are human and it is often not that neat.  We need to accept that both people may be afraid and mistrustful.  The addict may try to get away with holding onto a few key pieces of information our of fear, and the partner may resort to spying on the addict’s email in order to deal with the crazy-making feelings of mistrust.

But even if it is not perfect, the disclosure must take place for the relationship to survive and thrive.