Intimacy After Sex Addiction Treatment: 5 Frequently Asked Questions

If you are in a relationship with someone who has been in sex addiction treatment you will have a lot of legitimate confusion and uncertainty.   Here are some of the questions I have heard most frequently.

Has he told me everything?

There is a serious chance that a sex addict who is in pretty good recovery may be holding back, some big or little fact about his sex addiction history.  As much as we would like for sex addicts in treatment to disclose everything that is relevant, there may be some information that they feel they simply cannot reveal, or at least not yet.  There is bound to be some residual shame about their addictive behavior and some fear that a particular fact would be a “deal breaker” for you.  If you can be non-judgmental and supportive, the addict will eventually feel safer telling everything.  But if you want to know it all, you should let the addict know that the whole truth is important to you.

Can I trust him not to cheat on me?

If having extra-curricular affairs was one of the addict’s sexually addictive behaviors, and assuming he has committed to avoiding this behavior then you probably can assume that he will not go out and start another affair.  But there is a caveat.  Addicts in recovery often find miniature ways of acting out their old behaviors.  He may flirt excessively, he may contact an old girlfriend online or he may have work relationships with women that are “just friends.”  These are things that are not a good idea for a recovering addict as they are ways of sneaking around the rules to get a “hit,” not to mention they will drive you crazy.  Someone he trusts needs to point this out to the sex addict when it happens because he will be unlikely to see it on his own.

Will he enjoy sex with me?

Your sex life may be perfectly fine.  However, for some addicts it is difficult to adjust to sex with a partner once they have stopped using sex as a “drug”.  The addict may even become sexually avoidant to some degree.  Sex with a partner can initially seem uninteresting to an addict who is used to the adrenaline rush of acting out.  And the addict may have insecurities about whether he or she will be sexually adequate, insecurities which were always there but which were submerged in the addiction.  The addict may be tempted to bring some addictive fantasies into your sex life, familiar thoughts and behaviors and role-playing that the addict found arousing in the past. This can be totally OK (if it’s comfortable for you both) but it can also be slippery territory for the addict; it is a judgment call and it’s important to talk about it together.

What are the signs of relapse?

The signs of possible relapse are many, but one of the most obvious is the addict’s letting go of his or her commitment to their recovery and continued growth.  Lessening of the total devotion to sex addiction treatment may be expected, but if the addict becomes too cavalier about being “cured” he may be at risk.  Another problem area is that of other addictions, which may surface and lead back to the sexual addiction.  Addicts may drink more, get too wrapped up in work or engage in other activities addictively.   If the addict begins using another substance or behavior as a drug this can lead back to sexual acting out.

Will we be able to feel intimate?

Regaining trust and intimacy is a long process.  It is necessary to be very patient and supportive with one another and not to panic.  Sex addiction is often called an “intimacy disorder” and this means that sex addicts have to gradually learn how to express things like nurturance and devotion.  Over the long haul, sex addiction treatment involves learning  how to be honest with a partner and how to feel safe being who you are, with all your imperfections and fears.  This level of honesty will ultimately lead to a closer, safer bond for both of you.  The addict (and you) will come to feel that you are going to be OK even if the relationship should end and that it is necessary to stop hiding and lying even if it means you risk everything.  I like the saying that your love should be unconditional, meaning you don’t have to sit in judgment, but that whether you choose to stay in the relationship is conditional.

Sex Addicts Need Healthy Narcissism

We are all getting pretty good a spotting unhealthy narcissism.  This is the narcissism that is often characteristic of sex addicts and that represents a kind of façade or false self.  The person is grandiose and self absorbed but underneath they feel unworthy and are deeply insecure.

The thing that distinguishes unhealthy narcissism is the lack of an underlying sense of self worth.  The person has a brittle narcissistic defense system which crumbles when the person gets negative feedback or when they are shown up or thwarted.  When the bubble bursts in this way, the narcissistic addict responds either with rage or with an orgy of self hatred, which can even turn suicidal.

The sex addict with a narcissistic defense system feels “I have to be the greatest or it’s all over.”  They are either feeling contempt for everyone else or they are feeling contempt for themselves.  These are two sides of the same coin.

What is healthy narcissism?

Healthy narcissism is not the same as self-esteem.  As I have argued previously, the concept of self-esteem involves judging ourselves, usually from the perspective of what others might think, and often from outward traits and accomplishments.  Self esteem, like unhealthy narcissism, is either high or low.

  • Healthy narcissism has no opposite.  It is an abiding feeling of inherent worthiness and value.  You may succeed or fail, you may do something you regret, and you may even decide to work on your issues and change, but you still feel OK about being you.
  • You feel good in your body and enjoy using your body for activity and pleasure.  You can even enjoy looking good, dressing and decorating your body and can do so without judging yourself or feeling self-conscious.
  • You have the ability to protect yourself from that which is harmful or dangerous to you.  You have an essential sense of your own emotional and physical integrity.  This in turn is a feeling of empowerment and safety in relating to people.
  • You are OK with your successes.  You are neither ashamed of them nor do you let them define you.  You don’t limit yourself from doing as well as you can do and reaching the heights that you can reach in terms of fulfilling your destiny, making money or whatever to try to do.  You don’t feel guilty about getting ahead.

Couples confronting sex addiction need healthy narcissism

Both partners in a couple need be narcissistic in a healthy way.  Particularly when confronting sex addiction, both partners will need to regain their sense of their own value and their own right to feel safe and empowered.  Regaining a basic sense of self worth supports the couple’s recovery.

  • Shame is a key feature of sex addiction for both partners and overcoming shame will involve feeling that although something you did was wrong or something that happened was wrong, you are not wrong.  You are worthwhile and not deserving of shame.
  • Couples in recovery need to learn to maintain boundaries that may never have been there to begin with.  Healthy narcissism means protecting yourself , feeling that you have the right to ask for what you want, and being assertive instead of aggressive.
  • Overcoming sexual addiction means learning to enjoy yourself physically to the fullest.  Caring for your body, enjoying your body and enjoying your sexuality will be growing over time in recovery for both partners.

Sex addicts in recovery will be engaging the world in a more confident way as their negative core beliefs about themselves subside.  This may take many forms but will often involve feeling entitled to fulfill your potential, feeling confident in situations that used to intimidate you and feeling important, not because you are superior but just because you are you.  Oh alright, you can go ahead and pat yourself on the back for all that great progress you’ve made!

Partners Need to Know the Secrets and Lies of Sex Addiction

People generally do not want to disclose their sex addiction to their intimate partner.  And yet in sex addiction treatment we believe that couples cannot begin the process of recovery as long as the addict is still keeping secrets or telling lies.  Hence the saying in treatment circles:

“Tell it all, tell it soon!”

This is not to say that we cannot have a private inner life or that we have to tell our spouse or partner everything we think or do.  But telling the truth about sex addiction is an essential part of recovery.  It is essential for the addict, for the partner and for the relationship.

When disclosure is not necessary

Disclosing the full extent of a sex addiction is not generally advised when the couple are planning to divorce or separate.  Couples in the process of separation and divorce are dealing with a lot of emotional and real life upheaval.  The disclosure of the details of sexual betrayal may be detrimental to the process of separating.  It can fan the fires of resentment and conflict around settlement and custody issues.  Often a partial disclosure has taken place which is part of the reason for the divorce.  Disclosure can add to the traumatization of the partner who already feels betrayed, without serving any useful purpose.

Disclosing to a partner is often partial and disorganized

Partial disclosure, or disclosing in “stages,” is the norm although it is not considered a good idea.  The addict feels the pressure to come clean but wants to hold back some facts about the sex addiction, usually those that are most damaging or shameful.  The addict who has been partially found out is in a crisis state and is most often very afraid of abandonment by a partner.  The feeling is that if the spouse or partner knew everything they would surely leave.  This is not necessarily a true or rational idea.

However, full disclosure sets the stage not only for the addict to begin a new way of living but for the relationship to begin on a new basis of honesty and trust.  Every time another little piece of information about the addict’s past behavior trickles out it makes the partner feel like it is just more than they can take.  This is because the partner feels the dishonesty may have no end.

The commitment to truthfulness going forward

Holding on to secrets is a sign that the addict is not in very good recovery.  “Rigorous honesty” is considered to be at the heart of the 12-step model of addiction recovery.  There is a level of self hate and shame in the addict who feels he cannot be honest.  He is continuing to act on the core belief that if someone really knew him they could never love him.  It is a way to hang onto control but it is unfair.

Dishonesty about who we are sexually is a way to keep ourselves apart from our partner.  It is a fatal barrier to true intimacy, which involves allowing ourselves to be known.  It also gives the addict unequal power.

To the partner, the fact that they do not know what is going on or has gone on means that not only do they not know their addict partner very well but they do not have a view of their life that is based in reality.  Partners cannot find contentment and happiness if their reality is being manipulated by someone else.

What not to disclose

The optimal way to disclose the facts of a sex addiction to a partner is thought to be through a “planned disclosure.”  This is one where the couple prepare separately with their counselors and carry out the disclosure in the presence of a treating professional.

As part of the preparation, the partner or spouse will decide what it is they want to hear.  This is very important.  The addict may want to tell more than the partner wants to know.  The addict will have to take direction from the partner as to what to disclose.  For example, the partner may or may not want to know how many times the addict did a certain thing, or with whom, or what the details of the act were.

Planned full disclosure may be the ideal, but people are human and it is often not that neat.  We need to accept that both people may be afraid and mistrustful.  The addict may try to get away with holding onto a few key pieces of information our of fear, and the partner may resort to spying on the addict’s email in order to deal with the crazy-making feelings of mistrust.

But even if it is not perfect, the disclosure must take place for the relationship to survive and thrive.

Is it Possible to Recover from Sexual Addiction?

The concept of “recovery”

I have seen many sex addicts recover from an unhappy, lonely, self-destructive pattern of behavior in their sexual addiction and go on to not only rebuild their lives but to reach greater heights than they ever imagined.

Yet there is a tradition in the addiction field of viewing addictions as in some ways similar to “chronic” mental illness and chronic medical conditions like diabetes; conditions that require ongoing care and can be managed successfully over time.  This implies that there is no “cure,” that there may be periods of relapse and that there is no end point to recovery.

Current thinking about sexual addiction has moved beyond the earlier more limited concepts.  See a recent review of the history of the concept of recovery in mental health and addiction.

Recovery from sex addiction

Recovery from sex addiction is considered today to involve much more than abstinence from the sexually addictive behavior.  It involves a long term process of years rather than weeks or months in which the addict will make many positive changes in his/her life and functioning and in which abstinence is merely a first step along the way.

Sex addiction is viewed in the larger context of a problem with intimacy in general, usually relating back to a relational trauma of some sort during childhood.  Treatment involves resolving the underlying trauma issues and building up the life competencies that have been compromised.

Sex life in sexual addiction

The sex life of the practicing sex addict looks very different from that of the addict in recovery.  The sex life characteristic of sexual addiction is:

  • Compulsive in that it involves preoccupations, cravings and urges that defy control
  • Compartmentalized in that a chunk of the sexual life of the addict is separate from the addict’s intimate life i.e. the addict leads a double life
  • Secret in that the behavior characteristic of the addicts sexual addiction does not square with the rest of the addict’s life and the face he presents to the world, and
  • Used as a drug in that the hyper-arousal characteristic of the addictive behavior serves to distract, numb or otherwise escape from negative feelings
  • Does not usually involve a real relationship although the addict may fantasize a relationship with a stripper, a masseuse etc.

Sex life in recovery

In recovery the sex addict will be able to integrate his sex life and his “regular” life instead of keeping them separate.  This implies that the recovering addict will be:

  • Less narrow and rigid in sexual preferences and fantasy scenarios
  • Less compulsive about sex, meaning less preoccupied with seeking sex and less obsessed with sexual cravings
  • More relational and less isolated in sexual activity (e.g. sex with a person vs. porn only)
  • Less selfish, in that he will be less focused on himself and his gratification and more able to focus on a partner and
  • Able to give up the “hyper-arousal” of addictive sex in which sexual excitation is used as a drug

Long term benefits in recovery from sex addiction

Not only can the recovering sex addict have a richer, less destructive sex life, but he or she will throughout the time of recovery make many other changes as well.  If recovery continues to be a process of overcoming past fears and insecurities through active participation in treatment, therapy, support groups or a combination of these, the addict can grow in many ways over a period of 3 to 5 years and beyond.

Some of these areas of improved functioning are internal, and some have to do with relationships and general levels of functioning.  The addict in good recovery will show improvement in

  • Empathy for others
  • Less narcissistic attitudes
  • Greater feelings of overall comfort
  • Improved self-care
  • A commitment to honesty
  • Greater ability to be responsible and nurturing as a partner and parent

Addicts in recovery can expect to learn many life skills they never had before, such as the ability to set appropriate limits and boundaries, to stick up for themselves, and to set life goals and achieve them.

So where does it end?

These are pretty hefty promises but I have seen them fulfilled.  You might ask “So why do we keep on talking about ‘recovering’ addicts instead of ‘recovered’ addicts?”  Perhaps addicts feel the need to be vigilant about habits that may still be deeply buried in their “lizard” brains.  Perhaps it is just a leftover tradition from the founders of AA.  For the time being we could just think of it as a way to stay connected to a fellowship and a reminder to us to give back.

Sex Addiction Treatment and Forgotten Childhood Trauma

Many people in sex addiction treatment or recovery programs can remember and talk about their history of abuse or trauma.  But sometimes recovering addicts have all the outward symptoms of having had traumatic childhood experiences but they don’t remember being traumatized or mistreated in any way.

Sometimes  people in sex addiction treatment feel certain that “something must have happened to me” and though they rack their brains they cannot remember anything that they can label as abusive or traumatic.

We who work with sex addicts assume that there is always going to be a history of  some problems in relationships with caregivers which lead to  an insecure, avoidant or disorganized attachment style later in life.  This problem with close relationships relates directly to  sexually addictive behavior and is why we think of sex addiction as an intimacy disorder.

Often addicts will go in for EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) or somatic techniques in an attempt to connect with forgotten memories, and many claim this helps.  And sometimes the abuse happened before the child learned to talk, which means that there is no way to remember it in words.

But just as often the traumatic events are there but are simply not recognized as such by the addict.

Why people can’t see their traumatic childhood

First and foremost, many people have a mistaken notion about what constitutes childhood trauma.  Infants and children need consistent nurturing, closeness, touch, connection and love in order to develop as strong, stable normal adults.  The absence of this kind of closeness and support does not allow the child to develop normally.  So people in sex addiction treatment need to look at the kind of relationship they had with their caregivers and at what was missing in that relationship.

Many addicts were not held enough as infants, were not soothed enough or were left alone or with strangers.  These things are traumatic to the developing child.  As children many addicts experienced abandonment, were sent away, or were devalued or rejected by their caregivers in some way.  All of these things constitute abuse and lead to problems later on.

Most people whether they are sex addicts or not tend to idealize their family and their early life, or at least to minimize the hurt or deprivation they suffered.  Growing up we need to see our parents in a positive light; it is part of what helps us get through childhood.  We want to trust and look up to our parents and it is very threatening for a child to think anything bad about their parents.  This leads to a tendency to idealize our childhood even in the face of evidence of stressful and traumatic experiences.

Add to this the fact that most of us resist seeing ourselves as “damaged.”  If we are survivors, we have come through a lot and we want to see ourselves as basically OK.  This makes it all the harder to understand our early life.

How to connect with childhood trauma

In addition to understanding the biases described above, it is important to understand that people do not have to remember major horrible events in order to connect with their trauma history.  Very often we already know everything we need to know but we have not looked at it closely enough.

Much of the work of uncovering our traumatic past history involves looking at events that took place and reinterpreting what was going on in light of what we now know as adults.  What seemed like our parents having high standards for us may turn out to have been a way they put us down or conveyed negative expectations about us.  What we saw as encouraging self-reliance or being given a lot of freedom may have been a form of neglect.  And what we took for bonding may have been invasive or inappropriate.

It will be important to go back and look at what were vivid memories or recurring themes in childhood and look at them with fresh eyes, critical eyes.

What I hear over and over is “well, they did the best they could!”  People don’t want to blame their parents or caregivers or seem ungrateful.  But it goes without saying that our parents did the best they could.  That does not help us unravel our own issues.  In sex addiction treatment we need to look at what went wrong as much as, or more than, what went right.  This is the real eye opener.   Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Does Sex Addiction Lead to Gay Sexual Experiences?

There is no reason to think that sex addiction is inherently gay vs. straight.  Here are the available estimates to date.  Rob Weiss who writes on sex addiction and gay sex addicts reports that 10% of gay men are sex addicts.  Studies and estimates of the number of straight sex addicts in the U.S. are in the range of 6 to 9%, so a conservative estimate would be about 7%.

Given the available recent data, around 3.5% of the U.S. population are gay. So it seems that of the approximately 250 million adults in the U.S. around 16.9 million are straight sex addicts and around 875,000 are gay sex addicts. (The latter number may be a little off as it assumes lesbians are sex addicts in the same proportion as gay men which may not be the case.)

This set of numbers seems to show that there are an awful lot of straight people in the U.S. who are sex addicts and a relatively smaller number of gay sex addicts.  But proportionally speaking, sex addiction is an equal opportunity affliction.

Although there is no reason to think that sex addiction in and of itself does anything to change a person’s sexual orientation there is occasionally some spill over.  On the basis of my own experience with both straight and gay sex addicts I have concluded that there are some reasons why straight addicts, at some point in their addiction, can have experiences with gay sex and possibly the other way around as well.

Sex addiction is progressive

Untreated sex addicts tend to act out more frequently and to seek out new and more exciting sexual activities.  As with all addictions it takes more of the drug or a stronger drug to keep the high going.  Sex addicts who started out with internet porn and strip clubs may progress to sexual massage parlors and prostitutes.  Sometimes the addict will escalate into risky or illicit behaviors like boundary violations with adults or children or voyeurism.

In the search for a new and different high, I have seen many sex addicts who have had experiences with same sex partners.  This is not to say that they are covertly gay, but in this case it is only that they are looking for the next edgy thing.

Denial can dissolve normal restrains

Sex addiction depends on a sort of delusional state in which boundaries around what is unacceptable behavior become weaker.  Denial allows addicts to let go their inner compass.  And denial too is progressive and spreads to other areas of life.  Secrecy and lack of integrity become the norm.  As the denial and addiction take over the addict more and more ignores the consequences of his behavior regardless of whether he is gay or straight.  He may exploit others or allow himself to be in situations which for him are abnormal.  In other words he may lose the sense of control over his life and be less able to self activate.

Porn as the great accelerator

Internet pornography is so varied and intense it its content that it can present the addict with new and highly charged stimuli which trigger a forgotten experience or trauma from childhood.  If the scenario involves gay sex and if the addict acts on it then it can look like a gay-straight issue when in fact it is unconscious imprinting that does not relate to the addicts underlying sexual orientation.

Recovery and sorting out sexual orientation

In the first year or two of recovery, sex addicts are sorting out who they are.  As they let go of their old way of living and understand the experiences that led to their addiction, they will sort out their sexual orientation, possibly in a new way.

The addict who has been repeating childhood trauma with same sex partners may find that in recovery his more integrated and conscious sexual desires fall in a different direction.  I have seen a gay sex addict come to the realization that he may actually be bisexual and so on.

Sometimes the acting out behavior does represent a true underlying orientation and the person acts it out in secret due to shame.  But first the person needs to be evaluated for and possibly treated for sex addiction and their true orientation can become clear.  See also my prior post Can a Straight Man be Addicted to Gay Sex?

Fighting Porn Addiction: Should Porn be Against the Law?

Even if they do not talk about the problem in terms of porn addiction, many countries are concerned about the mushrooming consumption of porn and are making moves in the direction of criminalizing internet pornography.  A number of countries already have.  The concern is not only about child porn but all hardcore online porn.

Whether governments should ban porn or not is a complicated matter that is debated on many levels.  But there is also a debate about whether it is actually possible to stop the flow of porn onto the internet. 

Let’s look at these two questions separately.

Should countries prohibit hardcore adult porn?

A number of countries are either attempting to enforce existing laws against pornography by blocking internet porn sites and/or by prosecuting those responsible for the porn sites.  A number of other countries are in the process of trying to make online porn content illegal.

Hardcore pornographic content is already being blocked in China, Hong Kong, Singapore, Gaza Strip, Indonesia and Pakistan and there is a complicated regulatory structure in Australia.   (See the Wikipedia catalog of countries and their existing porn laws.)

In other countries there is heated debate and movement toward the banning of internet porn, such as India, Egypt and Iceland.  And in the UK and the US there is controversy about and resistance to making or enforcing laws that criminalize the posting or viewing of hardcore adult pornographic content.

Some of the main arguments for making anti-porn laws (or for enforcing laws that may be on the books) are:

-Porn is socially unjust in that it is oppressive toward women (Iceland),

-Porn is causing violence against women (India)

-Porn is socially and morally corrosive (China, Egypt and others)

-Porn addiction is a problem for many adults (US, UK)

-children can be inadvertently exposed to harmful content (US, UK, Iceland and others)

The arguments against criminalizing adult hardcore porn are mainly that such laws would violate freedom of expression, that porn is personal and is something that should not be controlled by governments and that there are legitimate positive uses for pornographic content.

Is it possible to outlaw internet porn?

A 2011 International Herald Tribune headline states: “Over 1,000 porn sites blocked in Pakistan.”  Although at that time Pakistan was continuing to find and block sites, the article goes on to say that there was a list of over 170,000 websites that might be banned.  The article says:

“Blocking 170,000 sites is not feasible for any operator.  The screening time on a per request basis will essentially slow the internet down to make it unusable.”

The International Business Times last month had an article on China’s anti-porn ban which reported that the creator of China’s biggest porn site was convicted and sentenced to life in prison in 2005, and that movie producers and film studios creating erotic films can potentially lose their licenses to make movies.

But the article goes on to state:

“Still, with constantly developing technology, and the demand for pornography, Internet users are still able to access pornographic material.”

Last month the L.A. Times reported that following anti-porn demonstrations, Egypt now has a plan to implement a court-ordered ban on porn websites.  The plan is to target each individual website and will cost about $4 million.  This is a big and controversial expense for a country that is under pressure economically.  This seems like a never ending if not impossible task for any government to attempt.  And if porn cannot be interdicted at the level of the website or the internet service provider it seems like a hard sell to prosecute individuals for watching the material that is currently flooding the web.

I am convinced that porn addiction is a growing problem and that the epidemic of porn consumption around the globe shows no sign of slowing.  The process of getting the product to the customer via the internet is extremely sophisticated and difficult to regulate.

Yet we do regulate some products that are addictive and/or damaging such as cigarettes, alcohol and even the sexual content of movies.  People need to find a way to agree on some basic ideas about what content should be regulated, especially as regards children.  The problem of implement regulations on internet content, like the problem of combating porn addiction, will probably be a long and difficult process combining the efforts of research, technology, public heath and advocacy.

How to Get Your Spouse into Sex Addiction Treatment

As a porn and sex addiction therapist I am often contacted by the spouses looking for sex addiction treatment for their partner.  I will look at the reasons for this and give my views on why the role of the spouse or partner is important in getting treatment for the addiction.

Why partners do the initial reaching out for help

  • The sex addict usually resists treatment for the same reason any addict does—part of them would really like to keep doing what they are doing no matter what the consequences are.  Hence it is easier to let the partner do the leg work of finding help.  At this early crisis stage immediately after disclosure the addict will be inclined to say they want help but will not want to be proactive in seeking out what might actually be an effective intervention.
  • The spouse of partner of the sex addict may be the one who is experiencing more of the distress in the situation.  The addict will surely be feeling shameful and remorseful when the addiction is disclosed, but this is nothing compared to the trauma of the betrayal usually experienced by the partner.  This in turn motivated the partner to go into crisis mode and begin trying to find solutions.
  • The sex addict may resist being the one to reach out for sex addiction treatment because he is too embarrassed to call up and admit to a stranger that he has these problems.  I often hear this discomfort in the voices of addicts who do call me and I hear them groping for a way not to have to state the problem directly.

Why the partner’s role is so important in getting help

Most often a sex addict or porn addict is in the grip of a strong compulsion to “act out” in their addictive behavior, whatever it is; porn, sexual hook-ups, infidelity, prostitutes, online sexual encounters, etc.  They may engage in this behavior frequently or less frequently, but the main point is that they are doing it addictively, meaning they are leading a separate sex life, they cannot stop, it is going to escalate over time, and it will have negative repercussions for their life and relationships.

The untreated sex or porn addict is in a state of denial.  Very often it will take some force from outside to get his attention and to convince him to get some serious treatment.  That force may come in the form of getting in trouble with the law, losing a job, or losing a marriage.  But whatever it is it will exert the necessary pressure on the addict. 

When spouses and partners discover a sex addiction they are in a unique position to use the crisis to force the addict to get help.  Addicts tend to panic at the thought that they will lose their wife and possibly alienate their children.  The spouse needs to recognize that very often they and they alone can lower the boom on the addict and cause an effective intervention.

Spouses should not expect that the therapist, even the most expert therapist, will be able to force treatment on an addict.  In the simplest terms, the therapist has no ammunition compared to the spouse. 

What the spouse needs to do

Spouses and partners seeking sex addiction treatment should be prepared to draw a line in the sand about the need for the addict to get help.  They need to say that they will live with a recovering sex addict but not with a practicing one.  And they need to mean it, in other words they need to be prepared to separate if there is inadequate movement.

Spouses need to be realistic about the kind of help that is required.  Often sex addicts will promise to quit, attend a few 12-step meetings, engage in an online program, install blocking software or get some couple counseling.   Sometimes addicts try to convince their partner that the addiction is really the partner’s fault, which it never is!

These can be ways to diffuse the situation while still having no real motivation to change.   A serious sex addiction requires a serious treatment program, often a one or two week outpatient intensive or a four to six week residential program followed by active12-step participation, and follow up therapy. 

Ultimately the addict will have to become engaged in their own recovery for it to work.  But the initial impetus can often come from the desire to hold on to a partner.  And in the long term, the relationship can get on the right track if both partners are engaged in recovery both separately and as a couple.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Treatment for Partners of Sex Addicts: The Fallout and the Recovery

When a partner discovers they are in a relationship with a sex addict they are to a greater or lesser degree in a kind of post traumatic state of shock.  This means that they may not be able to sort out what they are feeling very well.

Often the first reflex is to be angry and want to reject the addict.  But I have found that the partner or spouse will usually realize that the addict has a serious problem and begin to do the leg work of finding the right kind of help.

Sometimes the partner will be interested in participating in the addict’s recovery and sometimes not.  Often the partner will be on the fence about whether they will be able to stay in the relationship.  There are many different kinds of responses to this crisis and many different ways of coping.

Some common reactions

Some spouses and partners focus too much on the addict.  They go into an emergency mode in which they concentrate their energy on the addict’s need for help that they neglect their own needs.  The feeling is to get this problem solved as fast as possible and get back to “normal.”  But the treatment for sex addiction will of necessity change the people involved in some profound ways and will therefore mean that the relationship will not go back to exactly the way it was.

Getting help for a sex addict partner is not like helping a partner get through knee surgery.  It involves the addict getting help with problems relating to intimacy.   A relationship that was one of dishonesty and compartmentalization becomes one of openness and trust.  This big picture is usually hard for either partner to discern at the outset.

Some partners feel an urge to explain away the addict’s problem.  They feel very invested in what they may think was a great relationship and don’t quite know how to adjust to the idea that there is a major problem.  One way to attempt to get clarity  is to blame themselves or other circumstances, such as a separation, a pregnancy and so on.  “If such-and-such hadn’t happened then my partner wouldn’t have felt X or Y or Z and he wouldn’t have needed to engage in sexually addictive behavior.”

But the addict does have a problem and the fact that a life stressor caused it to escalate does not mean that it is not there.

Sometimes partners are so angry at their spouse or partner that even though they do not immediately decide to leave the relationship they try to completely shut out the problem.  They say in effect: “I’m fine, you’re messed up and you need to go get fixed.”  Meanwhile, their thinking goes, I will just get on with my life, and if you get better then we’ll be a couple again.

This is also a natural response but the fact is that although the addict’s recovery is not the partner’s responsibility, the partner does have to face up to what has happened to the relationship and to the impact that it has had on them.  Eventually partners of sex addicts need to be able to recognize that the kind of betrayal they have experienced is not a small matter and that it is OK to be vulnerable to being hurt and OK to get support.  We are human and we need to be able to trust those we love.  And because we are human our loved ones can hurt us. This means we deserve help too.

What kind of help do partners and spouses need

The kind of support that partners need and want varies enormously.  I have seen spouses so devastated by sexual betrayal that they wanted and needed a residential treatment program of their own.  Other partners find it useful to get therapy with a sex addiction counselor for themselves.  They need to better understand the nature of sex addiction and the fact that they didn’t cause it and they can’t cure it.  They may need to learn to set boundaries, communicate their feelings more clearly and sort out, bottom line, what they are willing to accept and what they are not.

Most spouses and partners benefit from the support of other spouses and partners of sex addicts who are dealing with the same experiences.  This can take the form of group therapy, 12-step programs for partners of sex addicts or co-dependents generally, on online resources for educational information and websites by and for partners of sex addicts.

It is surprising how many couples survive sex addiction and go on to thrive.  The research has indicated that the participation of the spouse or partner in the process of recovery at an appropriate time is key to this success.  Both the addict and the partner need to get the right kind of help and then they need to work together to rebuild their relationship.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

The One Essential Key to Porn and Sex Addiction Recovery

Some people start recovery for sex addiction at a full gallop and never look back.  But for people who struggle with sex and porn addiction and who have multiple slips or periodic relapses there is one key thing they may be missing.

I’m not talking here about the spiritual enlightenment side of it, the so called “white light moment” or even just the daily spiritual practice.  Those are important elements but there is something much more mundane than that.

A simple idea with big ramifications

It sounds deceptively simple but the thing you need to get your head around in recovery is that your recovery comes first.  Deceptively simple because it is very hard to put this idea into practice.  For one thing although addicts may be selfish and narcissistic, that does not mean that they are any good at getting their priorities straight.

The idea that  recovery literally comes before anything else. 

You might say well what if I am having a heart attack?  Should I go to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting or to the emergency room?  Well of course you need to deal with really life threatening situations first.  But in day-to-day life it is important to take the commandment to put recovery first quite literally.

Why is this so important?  Because addicts find excuses to avoid getting sober.  The need for the “drug” leads to rationalizations for putting other things ahead of the addict’s own need to recover.  This is faulty logic.  And it is part of the “cunning baffling and insidious” nature of the addiction talked about in the 12-step literature.

Isn’t spending time with your kids more important than your own recovery?  My addict clients are surprised when I challenge this idea.  Off the top it seems selfish and harmful to their children to disappoint them and undermine the closeness.  But dropping the ball on your recovery work is more harmful in the long run to everyone concerned.

There is a saying in 12-step circles that “Anything you put ahead of your recovery you will lose”.

This is profound  The reason recovery comes first is that addiction is so destructive.  Over time, the un-sober addict will forfeit everything that ever mattered to him.  He will destroy relationships, jobs, money, health, and lose any chance to fulfill his potential in life.

Many addicts get stuck in a pattern of continual relapse even though they are quite diligent about going to treatment, going to meetings and so on.  Making recovery the center of your life, at least until you are well on your way (usually at least a year or two and often longer) means more than just going through the motions of getting help.

Recovering addicts may enter treatment for any number of reasons other than wanting to get over their addiction.  In fact few actually want to stop using porn or sexually addictive behaviors in the beginning.  Most likely they have come to get help because their spouse or partner threatened to leave them, because they lost their job, because they got in trouble with the law, or some other crisis situation.

The crisis motivates the addict to get into recovery in order to hold onto something else: the wife, the career, their freedom.  And yet in the long run the motivation needs to shift, the addict needs to put those things after his recovery or he will stay an addict.  He will lose the very things he came into recovery to keep.

Putting recovery first is very hard.  As if the siren song of sex addiction weren’t enough, life throws numerous other challenges our way.  We get temporarily derailed from what we need to do to stay sober.  But eventually the basic principle applies: be ruthless in your pursuit of your own need to recover.  If you think in this way nothing and no one can stop you.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource