How Much Porn Can You Watch Before it’s a Sexual Addiction?

Sexual AddictionThis is a very different question from the standpoint of the person using the porn versus the standpoint of a spouse, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend of the porn user.  Spouses and Partners may be worried about something the person is doing that makes them uncomfortable.  Porn users are worried about whether being a sex addict is something they need to worry about at all.

I know of no hard and fast rule about how much porn viewing makes you an addict.  And it is sometimes confusing because using internet pornography may be the addict’s primary and sometimes even their only behavior, but more often it is part of a pattern or set of behaviors.  Some porn addicts may have other sexually compulsive behaviors like seductiveness, affairs, online sexual hook-ups, use of prostitutes or visiting sexual massage parlors.  Viewing internet porn may exist along side one or more of these as a part of an overall sexual addiction.  Nevertheless is is possible to look at what factors do and don’t make porn an addiction.

It’s not the exact number of hours per week

If a person is a “recreational” porn user and has no other addictive sexual behaviors they may not have any problem at all.  However, this assumes that they can stop if they want to and that they can honor their partner’s feelings if their partner wants them to stop.  It also assumes that they are capable of being honest about what they are doing and are not leading a double life.  Further it assumes that the use of pornography is not interfering with their having a relationship life in the first place.

So searching for an exact number of hours of watching internet porn is difficult.  It is like the question “How many hairs do you have to lose before you are bald?”  But at the extreme end of the scale where the person is watching porn several hours a day or 20 hours a week it is clear that there is some kind of a problem.

It’s not the content

Some people might think that if the content of the pornography being used is especially bizarre or violent or even illegal that this means the person is an addict.  Such people may have problems or fetishes but they may not act them out in an addictive way.  Likewise the fact that a porn addict only looks at “normal” heterosexual scenarios does not mean that he or she is not a sex addict.

It’s how you do it that makes it addiction

  • Addiction has been described as a pathological relationship with a mood altering experience.  The use of porn as an addiction involves the use of sexual arousal and gratification as a way to escape from unpleasant feelings in the same way that using alcohol and other drugs is a way to numb out or escape.
  • Another of the key features of porn as an addiction is that the addict continues to engage in the behavior even though it has negative consequence.  Like a drug addict, a porn addict will take extreme risks such as viewing porn on his work computer even though it may mean losing his job.  And the addict will not stop there but will continue to use porn despite what it costs in terms of the damage it does to his life or livelihood.
  • A distinguishing feature of porn or sex addiction is that it goes against the addict’s basic value system.  If there is no effective intervention the porn or sex addict continues in the addiction regardless of the harm to himself or others he is close to.  The addict does not like what he or she is doing and often feels very bad about it.  The fact that it continues is evidence that an addiction is present.
  • Porn addicts are also people who want to quit at various times and who have every intention of quitting.  Sometimes these are merely cynical ploys but very often they are real intentions.  And yet the fact of doing something despite the intention not to do it is a sign that addiction is present.
  • Lastly, any sex addiction including porn addiction is distinguished by the fact that it involves the avoidance of intimacy.  The addict removes part of himself from the relationship with a significant other and compartmentalizes it in a particular sexual activity.  This is the intimacy “disability” or intimacy avoidance that is present in some form for most sex and porn addicts.

So to sum up:  If the person is not using pornography to medicate anything, is feeling fine about it, is able to be honest and open about it with a partner, is able to maintain an intimate relationship in which he shares all parts of himself, is not taking risks, losing jobs, going into debt or otherwise ruining his life for the sake of porn and is able to make a decision to quit and stick to it when there is good reason to do so then the person is probably not a porn addict.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

3 Wonderful Life Events That Trigger Porn and Sex Addiction Relapse

Any porn addict will tell you how hard it is to stay away from porn.  In recovery the sex addict will work at identifying his or her most treacherous situations, circumstances and ritual behaviors that can be an engraved invitation to relapse.

Obvious triggers

The obvious triggers might include situations like being alone in a hotel room on a business trip.  There the deck is totally stacked against the addict: he is tired, bored, lonely, under pressure, and there is easy access to porn.  Other common life stressors like having your in-laws move in next door, a major illness or losing your job are also obvious stressors that can lead to cravings for an escape and can weaken the addicts defenses.

However, there are positive life events that are as likely, if not more likely, to trigger sexual acting out.  These are so common that the addict may not see them as posing a danger. Also they are generally so positive that no one would really want to escape form them.

Nevertheless, sex addiction therapists know these situations well and they can anecdotally support the fact that these happy circumstances are correlated with episodes of sexual acting out.

Three positive life events that trigger relapse

Each of the following circumstances can trigger relapse in its own way and for its own reasons.

  • Having children, no matter how much an addict welcomes the event, is a major life change.  It places stress on a relationship or marriage in a way that is challenging for an already intimacy-challenged addict.  Addicts fear they will not get their needs met under the best of circumstances and may be seriously stressed when their partner is less available.  Addicts typically experience abandonment fear due to early relational trauma and this may kick in as well.  And addicts are often quite narcissistic, meaning they may not take well to sharing the spotlight with a child.
  • Getting a promotion, getting a raise or otherwise gaining success and recognition add stress to the addict’s life.  Addicts are insecure to begin with and getting promoted may increase the demands and expectations of their work life.  This means increased fear of failure.  And the way addicts typically cope with insecurity is through escape.  Becoming more involved with work means the addict will have less energy for the relationship with a partner or spouse and may literally be gone more.  The resulting stresses for the couple can lessen the level of intimacy in an already intimacy challenged situation.  The addict may even use the new demands of work as a way to escape the interpersonal demands of relating.
  • Dating, or beginning to date again after engaging in sex addiction treatment is very problematic territory for a sex addict.  Very likely, the addict has never been comfortable with beginning and building a real relationship and may lack confidence and experience in conducting a normal courtship.  Addicts in early recovery will most likely bring their old addictive habits and fantasies with them into this new situation.  They may pick the wrong kind of person, someone who feels familiar but who mirrors their old acting out sexual fantasies.  The early relationships in recovery can become addictive in that they can be obsessive, dishonest or lack any firm basis in mutual caring and shared enjoyment.  They may also lack a future.  These old habits mean that a new dating relationship will also bring with it the addict’s same old fears and distorted thoughts an expectations.  This puts the addict back in an addictive mind set and can lead to further acting out and relapse.

The nature of stress

One definition of stress is: “A loss or the threat of a loss.”  Each of these three happy circumstances carries the potential for loss along with their many rewards.  The threat of a loss is inherent in any big change.  Even in a change for the better something will be given up in the process of change.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Intimacy After Sex Addiction Treatment: 5 Frequently Asked Questions

If you are in a relationship with someone who has been in sex addiction treatment you will have a lot of legitimate confusion and uncertainty.   Here are some of the questions I have heard most frequently.

Has he told me everything?

There is a serious chance that a sex addict who is in pretty good recovery may be holding back, some big or little fact about his sex addiction history.  As much as we would like for sex addicts in treatment to disclose everything that is relevant, there may be some information that they feel they simply cannot reveal, or at least not yet.  There is bound to be some residual shame about their addictive behavior and some fear that a particular fact would be a “deal breaker” for you.  If you can be non-judgmental and supportive, the addict will eventually feel safer telling everything.  But if you want to know it all, you should let the addict know that the whole truth is important to you.

Can I trust him not to cheat on me?

If having extra-curricular affairs was one of the addict’s sexually addictive behaviors, and assuming he has committed to avoiding this behavior then you probably can assume that he will not go out and start another affair.  But there is a caveat.  Addicts in recovery often find miniature ways of acting out their old behaviors.  He may flirt excessively, he may contact an old girlfriend online or he may have work relationships with women that are “just friends.”  These are things that are not a good idea for a recovering addict as they are ways of sneaking around the rules to get a “hit,” not to mention they will drive you crazy.  Someone he trusts needs to point this out to the sex addict when it happens because he will be unlikely to see it on his own.

Will he enjoy sex with me?

Your sex life may be perfectly fine.  However, for some addicts it is difficult to adjust to sex with a partner once they have stopped using sex as a “drug”.  The addict may even become sexually avoidant to some degree.  Sex with a partner can initially seem uninteresting to an addict who is used to the adrenaline rush of acting out.  And the addict may have insecurities about whether he or she will be sexually adequate, insecurities which were always there but which were submerged in the addiction.  The addict may be tempted to bring some addictive fantasies into your sex life, familiar thoughts and behaviors and role-playing that the addict found arousing in the past. This can be totally OK (if it’s comfortable for you both) but it can also be slippery territory for the addict; it is a judgment call and it’s important to talk about it together.

What are the signs of relapse?

The signs of possible relapse are many, but one of the most obvious is the addict’s letting go of his or her commitment to their recovery and continued growth.  Lessening of the total devotion to sex addiction treatment may be expected, but if the addict becomes too cavalier about being “cured” he may be at risk.  Another problem area is that of other addictions, which may surface and lead back to the sexual addiction.  Addicts may drink more, get too wrapped up in work or engage in other activities addictively.   If the addict begins using another substance or behavior as a drug this can lead back to sexual acting out.

Will we be able to feel intimate?

Regaining trust and intimacy is a long process.  It is necessary to be very patient and supportive with one another and not to panic.  Sex addiction is often called an “intimacy disorder” and this means that sex addicts have to gradually learn how to express things like nurturance and devotion.  Over the long haul, sex addiction treatment involves learning  how to be honest with a partner and how to feel safe being who you are, with all your imperfections and fears.  This level of honesty will ultimately lead to a closer, safer bond for both of you.  The addict (and you) will come to feel that you are going to be OK even if the relationship should end and that it is necessary to stop hiding and lying even if it means you risk everything.  I like the saying that your love should be unconditional, meaning you don’t have to sit in judgment, but that whether you choose to stay in the relationship is conditional.

Sex Addicts Need Healthy Narcissism

We are all getting pretty good a spotting unhealthy narcissism.  This is the narcissism that is often characteristic of sex addicts and that represents a kind of façade or false self.  The person is grandiose and self absorbed but underneath they feel unworthy and are deeply insecure.

The thing that distinguishes unhealthy narcissism is the lack of an underlying sense of self worth.  The person has a brittle narcissistic defense system which crumbles when the person gets negative feedback or when they are shown up or thwarted.  When the bubble bursts in this way, the narcissistic addict responds either with rage or with an orgy of self hatred, which can even turn suicidal.

The sex addict with a narcissistic defense system feels “I have to be the greatest or it’s all over.”  They are either feeling contempt for everyone else or they are feeling contempt for themselves.  These are two sides of the same coin.

What is healthy narcissism?

Healthy narcissism is not the same as self-esteem.  As I have argued previously, the concept of self-esteem involves judging ourselves, usually from the perspective of what others might think, and often from outward traits and accomplishments.  Self esteem, like unhealthy narcissism, is either high or low.

  • Healthy narcissism has no opposite.  It is an abiding feeling of inherent worthiness and value.  You may succeed or fail, you may do something you regret, and you may even decide to work on your issues and change, but you still feel OK about being you.
  • You feel good in your body and enjoy using your body for activity and pleasure.  You can even enjoy looking good, dressing and decorating your body and can do so without judging yourself or feeling self-conscious.
  • You have the ability to protect yourself from that which is harmful or dangerous to you.  You have an essential sense of your own emotional and physical integrity.  This in turn is a feeling of empowerment and safety in relating to people.
  • You are OK with your successes.  You are neither ashamed of them nor do you let them define you.  You don’t limit yourself from doing as well as you can do and reaching the heights that you can reach in terms of fulfilling your destiny, making money or whatever to try to do.  You don’t feel guilty about getting ahead.

Couples confronting sex addiction need healthy narcissism

Both partners in a couple need be narcissistic in a healthy way.  Particularly when confronting sex addiction, both partners will need to regain their sense of their own value and their own right to feel safe and empowered.  Regaining a basic sense of self worth supports the couple’s recovery.

  • Shame is a key feature of sex addiction for both partners and overcoming shame will involve feeling that although something you did was wrong or something that happened was wrong, you are not wrong.  You are worthwhile and not deserving of shame.
  • Couples in recovery need to learn to maintain boundaries that may never have been there to begin with.  Healthy narcissism means protecting yourself , feeling that you have the right to ask for what you want, and being assertive instead of aggressive.
  • Overcoming sexual addiction means learning to enjoy yourself physically to the fullest.  Caring for your body, enjoying your body and enjoying your sexuality will be growing over time in recovery for both partners.

Sex addicts in recovery will be engaging the world in a more confident way as their negative core beliefs about themselves subside.  This may take many forms but will often involve feeling entitled to fulfill your potential, feeling confident in situations that used to intimidate you and feeling important, not because you are superior but just because you are you.  Oh alright, you can go ahead and pat yourself on the back for all that great progress you’ve made!

Predatory Flirting and Intriguing as Sex Addiction Symptoms

When I first heard the term “predatory flirting” in connection with  sex addiction symptoms I was taken aback. Predatory sounds like something criminal, but flirting seemed so normal and harmless. But the term describes a symptom, a behavior, which is characteristic of certain sex addicts.

Who engages in predatory flirting?

One type of sex addict, dubbed the Seduction Role addict by Patrick Carnes, is particularly likely to engage in a lot of flirting.  The seduction addict gets his “fix” by getting women interested in him sexually or romantically.  The seduction is everything.  One seduction sex addict told me that the real high was the first kiss.  After that he would begin to lose interest and start looking for the next conquest.

The related concept in describing sex addiction symptoms is intriguing.”  Like flirting, intriguing is a way to create a feeling of private, personal intensity.  It is a way of establishing through some subtle means such as coded comments, private jokes or pointed eye contact, that you and the other person share a connection that no one else is a part of.

Other sex addicts whose preferred behavior is serial affairs have flirting and intriguing as sex addiction symptoms.  They may use flirtation as a way to line up their sexual supply.  They follow through with the sexual liaison but can only take things so far.  A real relationship is frightening and overwhelming.  The addict will find a way to end things and move on to the next affair.  Many serial seducers are married and are investing most of their sexuality in their secret life.

Sex addicts who are addicted to romantic seduction and affairs are driven by the need to constantly re-establish their attractiveness to the opposite sex.  They are as insecure as most other kinds of sex addicts and often feel that their sexual attractiveness is all they have to offer.  They fear that if they do not hook people sexually then there will be no reason for people to be around them.

What does predatory flirting look like?

Normal flirting is a casual and tentative way of initiating contact that may become romantic.  It is the first step in a possible courtship and lets someone know that we are potentially interested.  It involves saying things that are more personal, intense, suggestive or flattering than we would say to just anyone and then if there is a response, following up with real attempts to get to know the person better.

Smoke and mirrors

When it is predatory, flirting is intense but not sincere.  It is designed to capture the person’s interest and attraction but it is not backed up by any genuine interest.  Rather it is just a habitual way that the addict approaches anyone in a broad category of target people.  It is almost automatic, a default position which represents the addict’s safest way of relating.

Wholesale sexualizing

If you know the seduction sex addict well and you observe them flirting, you will see that they are rather indiscriminate in who they flirt with.  They want to captivate everyone, from the waitress to their mother-in-law.  Also, they will begin flirting right away with someone who is attractive looking even if they don’t know them and will never see them again.

Deniability

Another feature of the seduction addict’s predatory flirting is that it is eminently deniable.  It is throwing out a lure while and the same time pretending that there is no such thing going on.  It is suggestive of something but it is hard to pin down, and this vagueness is frequently a part of predatory flirting.

One type of predatory flirting involves being over-attentive or caring toward a woman.  This suggests that the addict has a real interest in her and also that he is a caring and generally good guy.  This may be a consciously seductive scheme or not.  But often the woman will get interested in this “nice” guy and approach him back only to be told that she has misinterpreted the situation.

Intensity without intention

The predatory flirter will throw out seemingly suggestive comments designed to create a feeling of connection with not other intention than to get the woman’s attention on him. I observed a seduction addict I know run into a woman whom he had seen once before somewhere.  She remarked that it was a coincidence to which he responded: “There are no coincidences.”  It is the initial stage of the empty seduction, the attempt to create a feeling of intensity without intention.

Why is this process predatory?

The addict’s lack of intention or ability to follow through in establishing a relationship with his target women are not just sex addiction symptoms in the abstract.  What the behavior means is that he is being exploitive and insincere.  He is using his ability to hook the woman into thinking he is interested in her when in fact he is using her to get an addictive hit, to make himself feel attractive.

This kind of seductiveness and compulsive flirting is a distortion of what flirting is really for.  It is a symptom of a problem that underlies most sex addiction: deep insecurity and the fear of intimacy.   Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Partners Need to Know the Secrets and Lies of Sex Addiction

People generally do not want to disclose their sex addiction to their intimate partner.  And yet in sex addiction treatment we believe that couples cannot begin the process of recovery as long as the addict is still keeping secrets or telling lies.  Hence the saying in treatment circles:

Tell it all, tell it soon!

This is not to say that we cannot have a private inner life or that we have to tell our spouse or partner everything we think or do.  But telling the truth about sex addiction is an essential part of recovery.  It is essential for the addict, for the partner and for the relationship.

When disclosure is not necessary

Disclosing the full extent of a sex addiction is not generally advised when the couple are planning to divorce or separate.  Couples in the process of separation and divorce are dealing with a lot of emotional and real life upheaval.  The disclosure of the details of sexual betrayal may be detrimental to the process of separating.  It can fan the fires of resentment and conflict around settlement and custody issues.  Often a partial disclosure has taken place which is part of the reason for the divorce.  Disclosure can add to the traumatization of the partner who already feels betrayed, without serving any useful purpose.

Disclosing to a partner is often partial and disorganized

Partial disclosure, or disclosing in “stages,” is the norm although it is not considered a good idea.  The addict feels the pressure to come clean but wants to hold back some facts about the sex addiction, usually those that are most damaging or shameful.  The addict who has been partially found out is in a crisis state and is most often very afraid of abandonment by a partner.  The feeling is that if the spouse or partner knew everything they would surely leave.  This is not necessarily a true or rational idea.

However, full disclosure sets the stage not only for the addict to begin a new way of living but for the relationship to begin on a new basis of honesty and trust.  Every time another little piece of information about the addict’s past behavior trickles out it makes the partner feel like it is just more than they can take.  This is because the partner feels the dishonesty may have no end.

The commitment to truthfulness going forward

Holding on to secrets is a sign that the addict is not in very good recovery.  “Rigorous honesty” is considered to be at the heart of the 12-step model of addiction recovery.  There is a level of self hate and shame in the addict who feels he cannot be honest.  He is continuing to act on the core belief that if someone really knew him they could never love him.  It is a way to hang onto control but it is unfair.

Dishonesty about who we are sexually is a way to keep ourselves apart from our partner.  It is a fatal barrier to true intimacy, which involves allowing ourselves to be known.  It also gives the addict unequal power.

To the partner, the fact that they do not know what is going on or has gone on means that not only do they not know their addict partner very well but they do not have a view of their life that is based in reality.  Partners cannot find contentment and happiness if their reality is being manipulated by someone else.

What not to disclose

The optimal way to disclose the facts of a sex addiction to a partner is thought to be through a “planned disclosure.”  This is one where the couple prepare separately with their counselors and carry out the disclosure in the presence of a treating professional.

As part of the preparation, the partner or spouse will decide what it is they want to hear.  This is very important.  The addict may want to tell more than the partner wants to know.  The addict will have to take direction from the partner as to what to disclose.  For example, the partner may or may not want to know how many times the addict did a certain thing, or with whom, or what the details of the act were.

Planned full disclosure may be the ideal, but people are human and it is often not that neat.  We need to accept that both people may be afraid and mistrustful.  The addict may try to get away with holding onto a few key pieces of information our of fear, and the partner may resort to spying on the addict’s email in order to deal with the crazy-making feelings of mistrust.

But even if it is not perfect, the disclosure must take place for the relationship to survive and thrive.

Does Sex Addiction Lead to Gay Sexual Experiences?

There is no reason to think that sex addiction is inherently gay vs. straight.  Here are the available estimates to date.  Rob Weiss who writes on sex addiction and gay sex addicts reports that 10% of gay men are sex addicts.  Studies and estimates of the number of straight sex addicts in the U.S. are in the range of 6 to 9%, so a conservative estimate would be about 7%.

Given the available recent data, around 3.5% of the U.S. population are gay. So it seems that of the approximately 250 million adults in the U.S. around 16.9 million are straight sex addicts and around 875,000 are gay sex addicts. (The latter number may be a little off as it assumes lesbians are sex addicts in the same proportion as gay men which may not be the case.)

This set of numbers seems to show that there are an awful lot of straight people in the U.S. who are sex addicts and a relatively smaller number of gay sex addicts.  But proportionally speaking, sex addiction is an equal opportunity affliction.

Although there is no reason to think that sex addiction in and of itself does anything to change a person’s sexual orientation there is occasionally some spill over.  On the basis of my own experience with both straight and gay sex addicts I have concluded that there are some reasons why straight addicts, at some point in their addiction, can have experiences with gay sex and possibly the other way around as well.

Sex addiction is progressive

Untreated sex addicts tend to act out more frequently and to seek out new and more exciting sexual activities.  As with all addictions it takes more of the drug or a stronger drug to keep the high going.  Sex addicts who started out with internet porn and strip clubs may progress to sexual massage parlors and prostitutes.  Sometimes the addict will escalate into risky or illicit behaviors like boundary violations with adults or children or voyeurism.

In the search for a new and different high, I have seen many sex addicts who have had experiences with same sex partners.  This is not to say that they are covertly gay, but in this case it is only that they are looking for the next edgy thing.

Denial can dissolve normal restrains

Sex addiction depends on a sort of delusional state in which boundaries around what is unacceptable behavior become weaker.  Denial allows addicts to let go their inner compass.  And denial too is progressive and spreads to other areas of life.  Secrecy and lack of integrity become the norm.  As the denial and addiction take over the addict more and more ignores the consequences of his behavior regardless of whether he is gay or straight.  He may exploit others or allow himself to be in situations which for him are abnormal.  In other words he may lose the sense of control over his life and be less able to self activate.

Porn as the great accelerator

Internet pornography is so varied and intense it its content that it can present the addict with new and highly charged stimuli which trigger a forgotten experience or trauma from childhood.  If the scenario involves gay sex and if the addict acts on it then it can look like a gay-straight issue when in fact it is unconscious imprinting that does not relate to the addicts underlying sexual orientation.

Recovery and sorting out sexual orientation

In the first year or two of recovery, sex addicts are sorting out who they are.  As they let go of their old way of living and understand the experiences that led to their addiction, they will sort out their sexual orientation, possibly in a new way.

The addict who has been repeating childhood trauma with same sex partners may find that in recovery his more integrated and conscious sexual desires fall in a different direction.  I have seen a gay sex addict come to the realization that he may actually be bisexual and so on.

Sometimes the acting out behavior does represent a true underlying orientation and the person acts it out in secret due to shame.  But first the person needs to be evaluated for and possibly treated for sex addiction and their true orientation can become clear.  See also my prior post Can a Straight Man be Addicted to Gay Sex?

Fighting Porn Addiction: Should Porn be Against the Law?

Even if they do not talk about the problem in terms of porn addiction, many countries are concerned about the mushrooming consumption of porn and are making moves in the direction of criminalizing internet pornography.  A number of countries already have.  The concern is not only about child porn but all hardcore online porn.

Whether governments should ban porn or not is a complicated matter that is debated on many levels.  But there is also a debate about whether it is actually possible to stop the flow of porn onto the internet. 

Let’s look at these two questions separately.

Should countries prohibit hardcore adult porn?

A number of countries are either attempting to enforce existing laws against pornography by blocking internet porn sites and/or by prosecuting those responsible for the porn sites.  A number of other countries are in the process of trying to make online porn content illegal.

Hardcore pornographic content is already being blocked in China, Hong Kong, Singapore, Gaza Strip, Indonesia and Pakistan and there is a complicated regulatory structure in Australia.   (See the Wikipedia catalog of countries and their existing porn laws.)

In other countries there is heated debate and movement toward the banning of internet porn, such as India, Egypt and Iceland.  And in the UK and the US there is controversy about and resistance to making or enforcing laws that criminalize the posting or viewing of hardcore adult pornographic content.

Some of the main arguments for making anti-porn laws (or for enforcing laws that may be on the books) are:

-Porn is socially unjust in that it is oppressive toward women (Iceland),

-Porn is causing violence against women (India)

-Porn is socially and morally corrosive (China, Egypt and others)

-Porn addiction is a problem for many adults (US, UK)

-children can be inadvertently exposed to harmful content (US, UK, Iceland and others)

The arguments against criminalizing adult hardcore porn are mainly that such laws would violate freedom of expression, that porn is personal and is something that should not be controlled by governments and that there are legitimate positive uses for pornographic content.

Is it possible to outlaw internet porn?

A 2011 International Herald Tribune headline states: “Over 1,000 porn sites blocked in Pakistan.”  Although at that time Pakistan was continuing to find and block sites, the article goes on to say that there was a list of over 170,000 websites that might be banned.  The article says:

“Blocking 170,000 sites is not feasible for any operator.  The screening time on a per request basis will essentially slow the internet down to make it unusable.”

The International Business Times last month had an article on China’s anti-porn ban which reported that the creator of China’s biggest porn site was convicted and sentenced to life in prison in 2005, and that movie producers and film studios creating erotic films can potentially lose their licenses to make movies.

But the article goes on to state:

“Still, with constantly developing technology, and the demand for pornography, Internet users are still able to access pornographic material.”

Last month the L.A. Times reported that following anti-porn demonstrations, Egypt now has a plan to implement a court-ordered ban on porn websites.  The plan is to target each individual website and will cost about $4 million.  This is a big and controversial expense for a country that is under pressure economically.  This seems like a never ending if not impossible task for any government to attempt.  And if porn cannot be interdicted at the level of the website or the internet service provider it seems like a hard sell to prosecute individuals for watching the material that is currently flooding the web.

I am convinced that porn addiction is a growing problem and that the epidemic of porn consumption around the globe shows no sign of slowing.  The process of getting the product to the customer via the internet is extremely sophisticated and difficult to regulate.

Yet we do regulate some products that are addictive and/or damaging such as cigarettes, alcohol and even the sexual content of movies.  People need to find a way to agree on some basic ideas about what content should be regulated, especially as regards children.  The problem of implement regulations on internet content, like the problem of combating porn addiction, will probably be a long and difficult process combining the efforts of research, technology, public heath and advocacy.

Treatment for Partners of Sex Addicts: The Fallout and the Recovery

When a partner discovers they are in a relationship with a sex addict they are to a greater or lesser degree in a kind of post traumatic state of shock.  This means that they may not be able to sort out what they are feeling very well.

Often the first reflex is to be angry and want to reject the addict.  But I have found that the partner or spouse will usually realize that the addict has a serious problem and begin to do the leg work of finding the right kind of help.

Sometimes the partner will be interested in participating in the addict’s recovery and sometimes not.  Often the partner will be on the fence about whether they will be able to stay in the relationship.  There are many different kinds of responses to this crisis and many different ways of coping.

Some common reactions

Some spouses and partners focus too much on the addict.  They go into an emergency mode in which they concentrate their energy on the addict’s need for help that they neglect their own needs.  The feeling is to get this problem solved as fast as possible and get back to “normal.”  But the treatment for sex addiction will of necessity change the people involved in some profound ways and will therefore mean that the relationship will not go back to exactly the way it was.

Getting help for a sex addict partner is not like helping a partner get through knee surgery.  It involves the addict getting help with problems relating to intimacy.   A relationship that was one of dishonesty and compartmentalization becomes one of openness and trust.  This big picture is usually hard for either partner to discern at the outset.

Some partners feel an urge to explain away the addict’s problem.  They feel very invested in what they may think was a great relationship and don’t quite know how to adjust to the idea that there is a major problem.  One way to attempt to get clarity  is to blame themselves or other circumstances, such as a separation, a pregnancy and so on.  “If such-and-such hadn’t happened then my partner wouldn’t have felt X or Y or Z and he wouldn’t have needed to engage in sexually addictive behavior.”

But the addict does have a problem and the fact that a life stressor caused it to escalate does not mean that it is not there.

Sometimes partners are so angry at their spouse or partner that even though they do not immediately decide to leave the relationship they try to completely shut out the problem.  They say in effect: “I’m fine, you’re messed up and you need to go get fixed.”  Meanwhile, their thinking goes, I will just get on with my life, and if you get better then we’ll be a couple again.

This is also a natural response but the fact is that although the addict’s recovery is not the partner’s responsibility, the partner does have to face up to what has happened to the relationship and to the impact that it has had on them.  Eventually partners of sex addicts need to be able to recognize that the kind of betrayal they have experienced is not a small matter and that it is OK to be vulnerable to being hurt and OK to get support.  We are human and we need to be able to trust those we love.  And because we are human our loved ones can hurt us. This means we deserve help too.

What kind of help do partners and spouses need

The kind of support that partners need and want varies enormously.  I have seen spouses so devastated by sexual betrayal that they wanted and needed a residential treatment program of their own.  Other partners find it useful to get therapy with a sex addiction counselor for themselves.  They need to better understand the nature of sex addiction and the fact that they didn’t cause it and they can’t cure it.  They may need to learn to set boundaries, communicate their feelings more clearly and sort out, bottom line, what they are willing to accept and what they are not.

Most spouses and partners benefit from the support of other spouses and partners of sex addicts who are dealing with the same experiences.  This can take the form of group therapy, 12-step programs for partners of sex addicts or co-dependents generally, on online resources for educational information and websites by and for partners of sex addicts.

It is surprising how many couples survive sex addiction and go on to thrive.  The research has indicated that the participation of the spouse or partner in the process of recovery at an appropriate time is key to this success.  Both the addict and the partner need to get the right kind of help and then they need to work together to rebuild their relationship.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

The One Essential Key to Porn and Sex Addiction Recovery

Some people start recovery for sex addiction at a full gallop and never look back.  But for people who struggle with sex and porn addiction and who have multiple slips or periodic relapses there is one key thing they may be missing.

I’m not talking here about the spiritual enlightenment side of it, the so called “white light moment” or even just the daily spiritual practice.  Those are important elements but there is something much more mundane than that.

A simple idea with big ramifications

It sounds deceptively simple but the thing you need to get your head around in recovery is that your recovery comes first.  Deceptively simple because it is very hard to put this idea into practice.  For one thing although addicts may be selfish and narcissistic, that does not mean that they are any good at getting their priorities straight.

The idea that  recovery literally comes before anything else. 

You might say well what if I am having a heart attack?  Should I go to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting or to the emergency room?  Well of course you need to deal with really life threatening situations first.  But in day-to-day life it is important to take the commandment to put recovery first quite literally.

Why is this so important?  Because addicts find excuses to avoid getting sober.  The need for the “drug” leads to rationalizations for putting other things ahead of the addict’s own need to recover.  This is faulty logic.  And it is part of the “cunning baffling and insidious” nature of the addiction talked about in the 12-step literature.

Isn’t spending time with your kids more important than your own recovery?  My addict clients are surprised when I challenge this idea.  Off the top it seems selfish and harmful to their children to disappoint them and undermine the closeness.  But dropping the ball on your recovery work is more harmful in the long run to everyone concerned.

There is a saying in 12-step circles that “Anything you put ahead of your recovery you will lose”.

This is profound  The reason recovery comes first is that addiction is so destructive.  Over time, the un-sober addict will forfeit everything that ever mattered to him.  He will destroy relationships, jobs, money, health, and lose any chance to fulfill his potential in life.

Many addicts get stuck in a pattern of continual relapse even though they are quite diligent about going to treatment, going to meetings and so on.  Making recovery the center of your life, at least until you are well on your way (usually at least a year or two and often longer) means more than just going through the motions of getting help.

Recovering addicts may enter treatment for any number of reasons other than wanting to get over their addiction.  In fact few actually want to stop using porn or sexually addictive behaviors in the beginning.  Most likely they have come to get help because their spouse or partner threatened to leave them, because they lost their job, because they got in trouble with the law, or some other crisis situation.

The crisis motivates the addict to get into recovery in order to hold onto something else: the wife, the career, their freedom.  And yet in the long run the motivation needs to shift, the addict needs to put those things after his recovery or he will stay an addict.  He will lose the very things he came into recovery to keep.

Putting recovery first is very hard.  As if the siren song of sex addiction weren’t enough, life throws numerous other challenges our way.  We get temporarily derailed from what we need to do to stay sober.  But eventually the basic principle applies: be ruthless in your pursuit of your own need to recover.  If you think in this way nothing and no one can stop you.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource