When is Cheating a Sexually Addictive Behavior?

As is the case with all sexually addictive behavior, having extramarital affairs can be part of an addiction or not.  Addiction is not defined by the nature of the affair or even necessarily the quantity of affairs.

Sexually addictive behaviors vary widely. But all such behaviors have certain common elements.  These have to do with

  • The way the behavior is conducted
  • The presence of sexual compulsivity in other areas
  • The function it serves in the person’s emotional life,

The way the behavior is conducted

What if one partner in a relationship has a one-time sexual experience while on a business trip?  Let’s suppose this kind of thing has never happened before and the person feels terrible about it.  He or she decides not to do it again (and doesn’t), tells their spouse about it (and whether it was protected sex or not) and does whatever is necessary to reassure the partner or spouse and repair the damage.  In this case the person has done three important things:

  • Has been honest right away
  • Has learned from the experience
  • Has been able to repair his relationship
  • Has made a decision to avoid further betrayal

This is a “pure case” in which the person shows none of the typical responses of the addict.  He knows his priorities and can act on them.  He will be motivated to be honest with his wife about what he wants to do in the future.  For example, he may want the freedom to go to a strip club with his colleagues while on a trip.  If this is OK with his wife then there is no problem.  The same holds true for pornography use; if it is done in moderation, is OK with the spouse, does not harm the relationship etc. then it’s not addictive.

Affairs can be part of a larger set of addictive sexual behaviors

But what if this person in the above example who has the one-time “fling” is also compulsively viewing internet pornography?  What if he is keeping the extent of his porn use from his wife?  Here a clinician would begin to see the affair as part of a larger picture.  Most sex addicts engage in more than one sexually addictive behavior.  If there is a secret sexually compulsive behavior then the affair may be part of the same problem.  And there may be other affairs or behaviors that are hidden.

So the extramarital affair in the context of another sexually addictive behavior or set of behaviors is one way in which it can be categorized as sex addiction.

The function the affair serves

Obviously if the person in a relationship is having repeated affairs and keeping it secret one would suspect that the person is using the affairs as a drug.  Of course some people are just cheaters, people incapable of an intimate commitment or unable to be accountable for their behavior.  These people may be extremely emotionally undeveloped or they may be sociopathic, but they are not sex addicts.

Most sex addicts have a long-standing habit of using their sexually addictive behavior to medicate fears, insecurities, loneliness, or other negative emotions.  You will most likely see that having affairs is being used to:

  • Take the place of vulnerability and openness in a committed relationship
  • Escape self-hate by living out a fantasy role
  • Deal with fears of abandonment by their partner
  • Affirm their worth by proving they are sexually attractive
  • Avoid sex with a real person or a person who is their equal

Low self worth, fear and shame

The common denominators in sexually addictive behavior, including addictive affairs, are low self worth and avoidance of real intimacy.  These things may be especially hard to decipher when the affairs are separated by long periods of time.  Emotional insecurities are also hard to spot in addicts who simply maintain one long affair outside their marriage.

I have seen more than one sex addict who sustained an affair with one person over decades.  In these cases the people qualified as a sex addicts because their affairs represented a deep seated and compulsive need to split off part of themselves from their spouse or partner.

Having secret, separate life strongly suggests that the person is avoiding something threatening or painful in relationships.  The fact that they are long-standing and hidden, strongly suggests that the person feels that this part of his or her life is shameful.

Very likely a thorough professional evaluation will be able to discover whether affairs are part of a larger pattern of addictive behaviors, whether they are being used as a drug to escape from oneself and whether they represent an avoidance of intimate relating with a partner.  Not surprisingly, affair addicts often see that they have a serious problem but fail to identify it as sexual addiction in themselves.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Mistaking Sex for Love: Sex Addiction Symptoms and Relationships

Evaluating people in sexual terms is becoming a more common cultural phenomenon as opposed to just one of the sex addiction symptoms. There are increasingly sexualized imagery appearing across all media.  Cocktail waitresses and centerfolds have always looked sexy, but now our TV news anchor seems to look more and more like a former beauty queen at a singles party. At some point most people can begin to separate love from mere physical lust.  But for sex and love addicts this can be a difficult distinction.  One of the sex addiction symptoms is the avoidance of real intimacy with a partner and the seeking out of an intense “experience” with a fantasy object of some sort. The real relationship in the sex addict’s life, if there is one, is likely to be somewhat alienated, even when there is an apparent feeling of attachment.  This is not universally true of course but often the same addict who says he loves his wife will avidly seek out online encounters with people he barely knows, or build elaborate fantasies around his “relationship” with a sexual masseuse or believe that he will be able to date his favorite stripper.  Many addicts in and out of relationships feel a strong and seemingly delusional pull to connect with people they relate to only sexually and sometimes only in their minds. Sex addiction symptoms and behaviors impact a relationship in that the addict is partly “gone,” and this is what often gives partners and spouses the feeling that something is wrong even when they can’t prove it and the addict denies it. Mistaking sex for love can spread in families Children The culture at large tends to encourage young people to view others (and themselves) increasingly in sexual terms.  Children are exposed to sexually explicit material at younger and younger ages not only in online pornography but also in print media, music videos, movies, TV and gaming.  Hopefully most will grow up to be relatively normal in sexual and relationship terms. What happens to children of sex addicts is that they may be given covert messages about sex that cause confusion.  It does not matter whether the addict is an outwardly puritanical while secretly leading a double life, or whether he is more overtly sexual in his talk and attitudes toward people.  The result is the same for the children.  The message gets through that sex is crucial. In the puritanical message sex is given extreme importance through being seen as too dangerous even to talk openly about. And as Patrick Carnes has pointed out the puritanical façade promotes sexual duplicity as the norm. In the overtly sexual parent there may be much discussion of other people’s looks or sexual attributes or even inappropriate focus on the sexual features or attractiveness of the child or their friends.  This conveys to the growing child or adolescent that they are and will be evaluated and found worthy or not in terms of their sexual appeal. Partners Partners and spouses of sex addicts tend to be lead down the same path in various ways.  If the partner or spouse is a woman she will have experienced the cultural pressure to be sexually “hot” from a very early age.  If a core belief of the addict is that “sex is my most important need” then the woman who is the partner of the addict may internalize the corresponding belief that “sex is the most important sign of love.” Long before discovering the sex addiction, partners of addicts may be conditioned to believe that their value as a woman or spouse is largely in their sexual desirability.   This can be reinforced in many subtle ways by a sex addict. I had a voyeuristic sex and porn addict tell me that he knowingly pointed out attractive men to his wife in order to clear the way for him to fixate on other women.  In this way the addict can normalize his preoccupation with sex both for himself and in his wife’s eyes. Another addict in his 60’s that I worked with fixated on and ogled young girls.  He made frequent comments to his wife about women being old or “long in the tooth,” etc. Sometimes women will begin to be more overt in making sexual comments about other men as a way to restore parity, to get back at the partner, and to defend against her own fear of being sexually evaluated. A word about sexual betrayal Most of the literature on partners of sex addicts emphasizes the fact that of all the sex addiction symptoms the deception, secrecy and breach of trust are seen by partners as the most traumatic aspects of the discovery of betrayal.  But the fact that the betrayal is a seen as a sexual rejection (even if some would say that logically it isn’t) is likely to be experienced as a rejection of the whole relationship. It can and does feel like the end of what is most essential to them and to their bond of love. Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Is “Real” Sex Healthier Than Porn and Cybersex?

Many sex addiction therapists base their thinking on the idea that real or “relational” sex, sex with a real person as opposed to porn, cybersex or masturbation is healthier in some way.  They tend to believe that a preference for non-relational sex is not entirely healthy and that it is often the basis of sexual addiction.

Other clinicians and many people generally feel that it is wrong to place relational sex on a pedestal.

Some think non-relational sex is just as valid a form of sexual expression and feel that the other side is just being moralistic and narrow-minded.  I will look at some of the arguments on either side.

The argument for fantasy sex

  • All sex is about domination fantasies anyway

Experts have argued that all sexual arousal relates in some way to fantasy and that all sexual fantasy has ultimately got something to do with domination and submission.  It doesn’t matter whether you are dominant or submissive, so the argument goes, your arousal relates ultimately to a fantasy involving unequal power.

This argument suggests that there is not so much to choose between the real person and the virtual one if the fantasy content that arouses us sexually is basically the same.

  • All sex can be used for damaging purposes

The pro relational sex folks might argue that relational sex is somehow more humane and less prone to exploitive or criminal behavior.  But the other side would argue that sex with a partner can be just as exploitive and potentially harmful in certain circumstances and that solitary sex such as masturbation to porn or fantasy can be seen as safe and humane.

  • The preference for relational sex is a religious leftover

This argument assumes that if you are not an anything-goes “liberal” then you are a conservative throw-back.  It ignores the fact that there are increasingly arguments coming from the gender justice, humanist and neo-feminist camps that view pornographic fantasies as corrosive on grounds other than traditional ones.  The “liberals” argue that there is nothing wrong with heightening arousal through imagery and fantasies that add an air of mystery or the forbidden and that sexual experimentation is normal and healthy.

The argument for relational sex

  • Deception, secrecy and shame

We don’t blatantly look at pornography in public or engage in cybersex in front of friends and relatives and so there must be something inherently shameful about it.  Although the secrecy may add to the arousal, it can also be construed as promoting a secret life and a splitting off of sexuality from relationships.

Having a secret life is an integral part of sex addiction and so the pro relational sex people might see that what started out as a harmless promoter of fantasy arousal can become a compartmentalized way of life.

  • Cybersex leads to losing track of reality

People who engage in cybersex can present themselves as other than who they really are.  This is based on the problematic belief that no one would want them as they really are.  But this can lead deeper into fantasy life and away from reality.

Sex addicts who engage in behaviors like online relationships, phone sex and even massage parlors and prostitutes can and do become very fantasy ridden about the person they have the make-believe relationship with.  They can become semi-delusional about what is really going on in the “relationship.”

  • Relational sex is more gender equal

A recent article reported that sex in an onging relationship provided more equal satisfaction to both partners in terms of such things as orgasm and equal amounts of giving and receiving of oral sex when compared to having sex with someone you were not dating or just met.

Another line of argument says that sex outside of a real relationship with another person is sexual objectification.  And a host of ill effects of sexual objectification  are talked about; everything from eating disorders to an increase in cosmetic surgery among teens.  See any of the excellent work by professor Robert Jensen like “Pornography is What the End of the World Looks Like.”

There is no question that there are major changes going on in the realm of real and virtual relating as well as changes in the way relationships are established and conducted.  My own feeling is that we are in a period of great turmoil and confusion about where it will all end up.  This in turn breeds overblown fear and polarized attitudes.  But real connecting with another person is a huge part of what makes us human, and I for one believe it’s here to stay.   Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Why do Therapists Tell You to “Sit with Your Feelings”?

This is one of those therapy clichés that never worked for me.  Since it refers to negative feelings, it always sounded unreasonable to ask people to sit there feeling angry or sad and not try to do something to feel better.  And yet it is routinely said to our sex addict patients and to patients in general.

If we are going to tell someone to sit with their feelings I think we owe it to them to tell them what this means and why it might help.  Sometimes it’s good to escape from your feelings and sometimes it’s better to delve more deeply into them.

When to escape your feelings

Feeling bad feelings is not helpful in and of itself.  In fact it may be stressful and if it continues could potentially take a toll on your functioning, your sex addiction treatment, your relationships and your heath.

If feeling miserable has become a way of life and you have allowed being unhappy to become part of your identity then there is probably something that needs to change. The same is true for feeling resentful or rebellious all the time.  Negative feelings are not productive if you let them become part of the definition of who you are. In these cases escape means getting help.

On an everyday level feelings are just feelings.  They come and they go and it doesn’t do any good to get alarmed by them or to get down on yourself about them.  By and large you can escape the minor irritations and disappointments that occur by just getting involved with something else or waiting until they pass.  You didn’t get to the phone in time, you burned the toast.  Oh well, you say, and you get on with your day.  Managing the ebb and flow of feelings is part of having good adaptive skills.

If you are saddened by the suffering in the world it may motivate you to become active in a cause.  But if you cannot escape the feelings of despondency and the preoccupation that feeds them you will be harming yourself. You will not be helping others by leading a miserable or unfulfilling life.

When to become more deeply aware of your feelings

One way to think of addictions like drugs,  gambling or sex is that they serve the function of numbing negative feelings.  All addictions start out as ways to avoid or eliminate pain and unpleasant emotions.

When someone is in sex addiction treatment, one of the treatment strategies is to get them to be willing to become aware of the feelings (like fear, resentment, self-loathing) that they are trying to medicate through the addiction.  We do this by getting them to give up the addictive drug or behavior and connecting the dots that will allow them to understand and let go of the feelings.  To do this they need to feel the feeling however painful.

Apart from working through ghosts of the past, this process also allows you to see that feelings won’t kill you and that you can in fact do quite well without medicating them in your usual way.

But there are other good reasons outside of the therapy situation, to allow yourself to fully feel whatever it is that you are feeling.

Knowing what you feel right now, good or bad, is part of knowing who you are at this moment.  It is the most basic way to be mindful, and mindful presence is what allows you to be fully yourself in the moment.

Being honest with yourself is better for you.  Trying to suppress what you really feel involves effort and stress.  Allowing yourself to just experience what you feel whether or not you express it or do anything about it is actually physically more healthful.

Being “in denial” about what you feel is harmful in another way.  Denial is a kind of self delusion and the delusion doesn’t just stop with denying your feelings; it tends to spread to other areas of life and it means that you don’t fully live in reality.

Last but not least, feeling negative feelings allows us to connect not only with ourselves but with other people.  We can connect romantically or intellectually but it is connecting on the level of our deepest feelings that allows us to truly know and be known.  Furthermore it is the basis of empathy.  The closer we get to our feelings the more we are on solid ground as far as our relation to our partner and all of those we care about.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource.

“Honesty is an Aphrodisiac” – But is This True for Sex Addicts?

I heard the saying “honesty is an aphrodisiac” a long time ago and I felt intuitively that it was true.  But does honesty really set the stage for sexual arousal?  If we are talking about a healthy, committed relationship I think the answer is probably yes.

If honesty in a relationship is being yourself with a partner, being open about who you are and what you are feeling at a given moment then honesty undoubtedly brings you closer.  In fact being vulnerable enough to let a partner know what you feel and what you need is one definition of intimacy.

In sexual terms there is no doubt that communicating honestly about what we feel, what we like and don’t like frees us up to experience what is most arousing to us and can increase our enjoyment of sex.  This suggests that if we share our secret sexual wishes with someone we are letting go of any residual shame that we may feel about those thoughts or urges and are allowing ourselves to become more comfortable with ourselves.

For practicing sex addicts honesty doesn’t work

Comfort and vulnerability are not what sex addicts associate with sexual excitement. Practicing sex addicts find powerful sexual excitement in a world of fantasy.  Whether this fantasy is a scenario on a computer screen, a lap dance, online sexual chat, or a hook-up with a prostitute they are “acting out,” and what they are acting out are their fantasies.  The experience is one of hyper-arousal and in fact sexual arousal is thought to be physiologically connected in some ways to fear.  Fear and risk taking can increase our general level of arousal and can amp up our sexual excitement, as can certain drugs.

If the addict has a spouse or partner but is completely lost in fantasy during sex then they are using their partner to act out their addiction, to use their drug.  And if this is the case they are being dishonest and are closing the door to sexual intimacy with that person.

Honesty works better for the addict in recovery

Recovering sex addicts hope to have a sex life that, while it involves some personal erotic fantasies, also involves a real relationship and an ability to become aroused and to be sexually gratified within a partner.

As addicts progress in their recovery, honesty becomes increasingly meaningful in supporting a healthy sex life.

As the addict recovers he or she gains a stronger and more positive sense of who they are.    Sharing our honest feelings and wants with someone is an act of trust.  It means not only that we trust our partner, but that we trust our new found sense of self, we know that we have nothing to be ashamed of.

Being accepted for who we really are not only makes us feel more trusting it makes us feel that it is possible to be loved.  We feel that we are OK in our core we not longer feel that we have to put up a front or an act in order to be acceptable.  This in turn works wonders for intimacy and for sexual fulfillment.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

How Much Porn Can You Watch Before it’s a Sexual Addiction?

Sexual AddictionThis is a very different question from the standpoint of the person using the porn versus the standpoint of a spouse, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend of the porn user.  Spouses and Partners may be worried about something the person is doing that makes them uncomfortable.  Porn users are worried about whether being a sex addict is something they need to worry about at all.

I know of no hard and fast rule about how much porn viewing makes you an addict.  And it is sometimes confusing because using internet pornography may be the addict’s primary and sometimes even their only behavior, but more often it is part of a pattern or set of behaviors.  Some porn addicts may have other sexually compulsive behaviors like seductiveness, affairs, online sexual hook-ups, use of prostitutes or visiting sexual massage parlors.  Viewing internet porn may exist along side one or more of these as a part of an overall sexual addiction.  Nevertheless is is possible to look at what factors do and don’t make porn an addiction.

It’s not the exact number of hours per week

If a person is a “recreational” porn user and has no other addictive sexual behaviors they may not have any problem at all.  However, this assumes that they can stop if they want to and that they can honor their partner’s feelings if their partner wants them to stop.  It also assumes that they are capable of being honest about what they are doing and are not leading a double life.  Further it assumes that the use of pornography is not interfering with their having a relationship life in the first place.

So searching for an exact number of hours of watching internet porn is difficult.  It is like the question “How many hairs do you have to lose before you are bald?”  But at the extreme end of the scale where the person is watching porn several hours a day or 20 hours a week it is clear that there is some kind of a problem.

It’s not the content

Some people might think that if the content of the pornography being used is especially bizarre or violent or even illegal that this means the person is an addict.  Such people may have problems or fetishes but they may not act them out in an addictive way.  Likewise the fact that a porn addict only looks at “normal” heterosexual scenarios does not mean that he or she is not a sex addict.

It’s how you do it that makes it addiction

  • Addiction has been described as a pathological relationship with a mood altering experience.  The use of porn as an addiction involves the use of sexual arousal and gratification as a way to escape from unpleasant feelings in the same way that using alcohol and other drugs is a way to numb out or escape.
  • Another of the key features of porn as an addiction is that the addict continues to engage in the behavior even though it has negative consequence.  Like a drug addict, a porn addict will take extreme risks such as viewing porn on his work computer even though it may mean losing his job.  And the addict will not stop there but will continue to use porn despite what it costs in terms of the damage it does to his life or livelihood.
  • A distinguishing feature of porn or sex addiction is that it goes against the addict’s basic value system.  If there is no effective intervention the porn or sex addict continues in the addiction regardless of the harm to himself or others he is close to.  The addict does not like what he or she is doing and often feels very bad about it.  The fact that it continues is evidence that an addiction is present.
  • Porn addicts are also people who want to quit at various times and who have every intention of quitting.  Sometimes these are merely cynical ploys but very often they are real intentions.  And yet the fact of doing something despite the intention not to do it is a sign that addiction is present.
  • Lastly, any sex addiction including porn addiction is distinguished by the fact that it involves the avoidance of intimacy.  The addict removes part of himself from the relationship with a significant other and compartmentalizes it in a particular sexual activity.  This is the intimacy “disability” or intimacy avoidance that is present in some form for most sex and porn addicts.

So to sum up:  If the person is not using pornography to medicate anything, is feeling fine about it, is able to be honest and open about it with a partner, is able to maintain an intimate relationship in which he shares all parts of himself, is not taking risks, losing jobs, going into debt or otherwise ruining his life for the sake of porn and is able to make a decision to quit and stick to it when there is good reason to do so then the person is probably not a porn addict.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

3 Wonderful Life Events That Trigger Porn and Sex Addiction Relapse

Any porn addict will tell you how hard it is to stay away from porn.  In recovery the sex addict will work at identifying his or her most treacherous situations, circumstances and ritual behaviors that can be an engraved invitation to relapse.

Obvious triggers

The obvious triggers might include situations like being alone in a hotel room on a business trip.  There the deck is totally stacked against the addict: he is tired, bored, lonely, under pressure, and there is easy access to porn.  Other common life stressors like having your in-laws move in next door, a major illness or losing your job are also obvious stressors that can lead to cravings for an escape and can weaken the addicts defenses.

However, there are positive life events that are as likely, if not more likely, to trigger sexual acting out.  These are so common that the addict may not see them as posing a danger. Also they are generally so positive that no one would really want to escape form them.

Nevertheless, sex addiction therapists know these situations well and they can anecdotally support the fact that these happy circumstances are correlated with episodes of sexual acting out.

Three positive life events that trigger relapse

Each of the following circumstances can trigger relapse in its own way and for its own reasons.

  • Having children, no matter how much an addict welcomes the event, is a major life change.  It places stress on a relationship or marriage in a way that is challenging for an already intimacy-challenged addict.  Addicts fear they will not get their needs met under the best of circumstances and may be seriously stressed when their partner is less available.  Addicts typically experience abandonment fear due to early relational trauma and this may kick in as well.  And addicts are often quite narcissistic, meaning they may not take well to sharing the spotlight with a child.
  • Getting a promotion, getting a raise or otherwise gaining success and recognition add stress to the addict’s life.  Addicts are insecure to begin with and getting promoted may increase the demands and expectations of their work life.  This means increased fear of failure.  And the way addicts typically cope with insecurity is through escape.  Becoming more involved with work means the addict will have less energy for the relationship with a partner or spouse and may literally be gone more.  The resulting stresses for the couple can lessen the level of intimacy in an already intimacy challenged situation.  The addict may even use the new demands of work as a way to escape the interpersonal demands of relating.
  • Dating, or beginning to date again after engaging in sex addiction treatment is very problematic territory for a sex addict.  Very likely, the addict has never been comfortable with beginning and building a real relationship and may lack confidence and experience in conducting a normal courtship.  Addicts in early recovery will most likely bring their old addictive habits and fantasies with them into this new situation.  They may pick the wrong kind of person, someone who feels familiar but who mirrors their old acting out sexual fantasies.  The early relationships in recovery can become addictive in that they can be obsessive, dishonest or lack any firm basis in mutual caring and shared enjoyment.  They may also lack a future.  These old habits mean that a new dating relationship will also bring with it the addict’s same old fears and distorted thoughts an expectations.  This puts the addict back in an addictive mind set and can lead to further acting out and relapse.

The nature of stress

One definition of stress is: “A loss or the threat of a loss.”  Each of these three happy circumstances carries the potential for loss along with their many rewards.  The threat of a loss is inherent in any big change.  Even in a change for the better something will be given up in the process of change.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource

Intimacy After Sex Addiction Treatment: 5 Frequently Asked Questions

If you are in a relationship with someone who has been in sex addiction treatment you will have a lot of legitimate confusion and uncertainty.   Here are some of the questions I have heard most frequently.

Has he told me everything?

There is a serious chance that a sex addict who is in pretty good recovery may be holding back, some big or little fact about his sex addiction history.  As much as we would like for sex addicts in treatment to disclose everything that is relevant, there may be some information that they feel they simply cannot reveal, or at least not yet.  There is bound to be some residual shame about their addictive behavior and some fear that a particular fact would be a “deal breaker” for you.  If you can be non-judgmental and supportive, the addict will eventually feel safer telling everything.  But if you want to know it all, you should let the addict know that the whole truth is important to you.

Can I trust him not to cheat on me?

If having extra-curricular affairs was one of the addict’s sexually addictive behaviors, and assuming he has committed to avoiding this behavior then you probably can assume that he will not go out and start another affair.  But there is a caveat.  Addicts in recovery often find miniature ways of acting out their old behaviors.  He may flirt excessively, he may contact an old girlfriend online or he may have work relationships with women that are “just friends.”  These are things that are not a good idea for a recovering addict as they are ways of sneaking around the rules to get a “hit,” not to mention they will drive you crazy.  Someone he trusts needs to point this out to the sex addict when it happens because he will be unlikely to see it on his own.

Will he enjoy sex with me?

Your sex life may be perfectly fine.  However, for some addicts it is difficult to adjust to sex with a partner once they have stopped using sex as a “drug”.  The addict may even become sexually avoidant to some degree.  Sex with a partner can initially seem uninteresting to an addict who is used to the adrenaline rush of acting out.  And the addict may have insecurities about whether he or she will be sexually adequate, insecurities which were always there but which were submerged in the addiction.  The addict may be tempted to bring some addictive fantasies into your sex life, familiar thoughts and behaviors and role-playing that the addict found arousing in the past. This can be totally OK (if it’s comfortable for you both) but it can also be slippery territory for the addict; it is a judgment call and it’s important to talk about it together.

What are the signs of relapse?

The signs of possible relapse are many, but one of the most obvious is the addict’s letting go of his or her commitment to their recovery and continued growth.  Lessening of the total devotion to sex addiction treatment may be expected, but if the addict becomes too cavalier about being “cured” he may be at risk.  Another problem area is that of other addictions, which may surface and lead back to the sexual addiction.  Addicts may drink more, get too wrapped up in work or engage in other activities addictively.   If the addict begins using another substance or behavior as a drug this can lead back to sexual acting out.

Will we be able to feel intimate?

Regaining trust and intimacy is a long process.  It is necessary to be very patient and supportive with one another and not to panic.  Sex addiction is often called an “intimacy disorder” and this means that sex addicts have to gradually learn how to express things like nurturance and devotion.  Over the long haul, sex addiction treatment involves learning  how to be honest with a partner and how to feel safe being who you are, with all your imperfections and fears.  This level of honesty will ultimately lead to a closer, safer bond for both of you.  The addict (and you) will come to feel that you are going to be OK even if the relationship should end and that it is necessary to stop hiding and lying even if it means you risk everything.  I like the saying that your love should be unconditional, meaning you don’t have to sit in judgment, but that whether you choose to stay in the relationship is conditional.

Sex Addicts Need Healthy Narcissism

We are all getting pretty good a spotting unhealthy narcissism.  This is the narcissism that is often characteristic of sex addicts and that represents a kind of façade or false self.  The person is grandiose and self absorbed but underneath they feel unworthy and are deeply insecure.

The thing that distinguishes unhealthy narcissism is the lack of an underlying sense of self worth.  The person has a brittle narcissistic defense system which crumbles when the person gets negative feedback or when they are shown up or thwarted.  When the bubble bursts in this way, the narcissistic addict responds either with rage or with an orgy of self hatred, which can even turn suicidal.

The sex addict with a narcissistic defense system feels “I have to be the greatest or it’s all over.”  They are either feeling contempt for everyone else or they are feeling contempt for themselves.  These are two sides of the same coin.

What is healthy narcissism?

Healthy narcissism is not the same as self-esteem.  As I have argued previously, the concept of self-esteem involves judging ourselves, usually from the perspective of what others might think, and often from outward traits and accomplishments.  Self esteem, like unhealthy narcissism, is either high or low.

  • Healthy narcissism has no opposite.  It is an abiding feeling of inherent worthiness and value.  You may succeed or fail, you may do something you regret, and you may even decide to work on your issues and change, but you still feel OK about being you.
  • You feel good in your body and enjoy using your body for activity and pleasure.  You can even enjoy looking good, dressing and decorating your body and can do so without judging yourself or feeling self-conscious.
  • You have the ability to protect yourself from that which is harmful or dangerous to you.  You have an essential sense of your own emotional and physical integrity.  This in turn is a feeling of empowerment and safety in relating to people.
  • You are OK with your successes.  You are neither ashamed of them nor do you let them define you.  You don’t limit yourself from doing as well as you can do and reaching the heights that you can reach in terms of fulfilling your destiny, making money or whatever to try to do.  You don’t feel guilty about getting ahead.

Couples confronting sex addiction need healthy narcissism

Both partners in a couple need be narcissistic in a healthy way.  Particularly when confronting sex addiction, both partners will need to regain their sense of their own value and their own right to feel safe and empowered.  Regaining a basic sense of self worth supports the couple’s recovery.

  • Shame is a key feature of sex addiction for both partners and overcoming shame will involve feeling that although something you did was wrong or something that happened was wrong, you are not wrong.  You are worthwhile and not deserving of shame.
  • Couples in recovery need to learn to maintain boundaries that may never have been there to begin with.  Healthy narcissism means protecting yourself , feeling that you have the right to ask for what you want, and being assertive instead of aggressive.
  • Overcoming sexual addiction means learning to enjoy yourself physically to the fullest.  Caring for your body, enjoying your body and enjoying your sexuality will be growing over time in recovery for both partners.

Sex addicts in recovery will be engaging the world in a more confident way as their negative core beliefs about themselves subside.  This may take many forms but will often involve feeling entitled to fulfill your potential, feeling confident in situations that used to intimidate you and feeling important, not because you are superior but just because you are you.  Oh alright, you can go ahead and pat yourself on the back for all that great progress you’ve made!

Partners Need to Know the Secrets and Lies of Sex Addiction

People generally do not want to disclose their sex addiction to their intimate partner.  And yet in sex addiction treatment we believe that couples cannot begin the process of recovery as long as the addict is still keeping secrets or telling lies.  Hence the saying in treatment circles:

“Tell it all, tell it soon!”

This is not to say that we cannot have a private inner life or that we have to tell our spouse or partner everything we think or do.  But telling the truth about sex addiction is an essential part of recovery.  It is essential for the addict, for the partner and for the relationship.

When disclosure is not necessary

Disclosing the full extent of a sex addiction is not generally advised when the couple are planning to divorce or separate.  Couples in the process of separation and divorce are dealing with a lot of emotional and real life upheaval.  The disclosure of the details of sexual betrayal may be detrimental to the process of separating.  It can fan the fires of resentment and conflict around settlement and custody issues.  Often a partial disclosure has taken place which is part of the reason for the divorce.  Disclosure can add to the traumatization of the partner who already feels betrayed, without serving any useful purpose.

Disclosing to a partner is often partial and disorganized

Partial disclosure, or disclosing in “stages,” is the norm although it is not considered a good idea.  The addict feels the pressure to come clean but wants to hold back some facts about the sex addiction, usually those that are most damaging or shameful.  The addict who has been partially found out is in a crisis state and is most often very afraid of abandonment by a partner.  The feeling is that if the spouse or partner knew everything they would surely leave.  This is not necessarily a true or rational idea.

However, full disclosure sets the stage not only for the addict to begin a new way of living but for the relationship to begin on a new basis of honesty and trust.  Every time another little piece of information about the addict’s past behavior trickles out it makes the partner feel like it is just more than they can take.  This is because the partner feels the dishonesty may have no end.

The commitment to truthfulness going forward

Holding on to secrets is a sign that the addict is not in very good recovery.  “Rigorous honesty” is considered to be at the heart of the 12-step model of addiction recovery.  There is a level of self hate and shame in the addict who feels he cannot be honest.  He is continuing to act on the core belief that if someone really knew him they could never love him.  It is a way to hang onto control but it is unfair.

Dishonesty about who we are sexually is a way to keep ourselves apart from our partner.  It is a fatal barrier to true intimacy, which involves allowing ourselves to be known.  It also gives the addict unequal power.

To the partner, the fact that they do not know what is going on or has gone on means that not only do they not know their addict partner very well but they do not have a view of their life that is based in reality.  Partners cannot find contentment and happiness if their reality is being manipulated by someone else.

What not to disclose

The optimal way to disclose the facts of a sex addiction to a partner is thought to be through a “planned disclosure.”  This is one where the couple prepare separately with their counselors and carry out the disclosure in the presence of a treating professional.

As part of the preparation, the partner or spouse will decide what it is they want to hear.  This is very important.  The addict may want to tell more than the partner wants to know.  The addict will have to take direction from the partner as to what to disclose.  For example, the partner may or may not want to know how many times the addict did a certain thing, or with whom, or what the details of the act were.

Planned full disclosure may be the ideal, but people are human and it is often not that neat.  We need to accept that both people may be afraid and mistrustful.  The addict may try to get away with holding onto a few key pieces of information our of fear, and the partner may resort to spying on the addict’s email in order to deal with the crazy-making feelings of mistrust.

But even if it is not perfect, the disclosure must take place for the relationship to survive and thrive.